how to handle when he gets quiet?

[Carenza LaRue]

My SO is the quiet type himself. But lately he seems a bit depressed and I have no clue how to deal with it.

It seems we argue a lot, make it up, straight things out and move on.

But lately, he has been very quiet. It's not that I feel he is withdrawing from what we have. I still feel a connection and we are okay. It's just that something seems to occupy his mind and he is avoiding whatever question I ask by asking questions himself or change the subject.

We have contact every day by chat or skype and from the outside it seems like everything is okay but still, I feel something has changed.

Now I read almost all the selfhelp books on this matter, like mars and venus from John Gray and so on, so I am inclined to believe he is currently in his man cave and he needs time to think about things. There are many things that happened to us and I feel all has been a bit overwhelming for him. I asked him about it, but as said, he seems to avoid every conversation leading to heavy talks and perhaps arguments.

I gave this a good thought and I decided to give him all the space he needs. Hard as it is, I leave every start for a new conversation up to him. He talks about common, every day things but not about how he feels, what his needs are or even that he is missing me. No lovey dovey things, so to speak.
Still, he gets upset every time I talk about mutual friends and he suggests that they are poking me on FB because they want more of me, you know, hinting that I might feel attracted to other men and that he is not worth.

now, I told him on every occasion that I am committed to him and what we have and that I am aware that these are only words, but words are all I can give him at this point. I told him he needs to trust me. this subject returns in almost every conversation we have, hence the arguments.
I feel that there is nothing I can do on my part, to give him his trust in me and what we have, this kind of conduct is thanks to his ex partner.

Whatever I do leads to heavy conversations and it seems that lately all the fun and care free conversations have been lost. I tried to turn it around again but to no good so far. So I was wondering how to act myself. I wished I could fax or email myself to him and have this heart to heart conversation with him and show him I am genuine and that he can trust me. But at the same time I feel it's not really my responsibility that he feels that way.

I know he loves me, and I know we will be allright but I really have no clue how to deal with this. Is giving him space a good idea? Or should I just keep talking about the positive things we have and ignore his depression? I don't want to risk him thinking I do not care about his depression by taking it all light hearted.
I don't want to risk him thinking I do not care about what we have when I give him space.

How do you peeps handle this?

[x0kimberly]

My SO is the same! He doesn't like talking about his feelings often, occasionally he'll bring up cute lovey conversations, but its usually me. I can tell when he's sad, so I just try my best to be happy. I turn to one of my teachers whenever I need advice, and once I went to her about this and she told me "Just be the light in his life." So that's what I'm going to tell you! Be the girl he loves, be the one he wants to turn to all the time to make him happy. If something's bothering him and he's not talking about it, it's probably something he doesn't want to bother you with. Just remind him occasionally that you do love him and you will always be there for him, and that he can talk to you about anything. Maybe that reassurance will lead him to opening up! Hope it all works out

[Haley53]

First, throw out the book. You're reading a book based on exaggerated stereotypes with no scientific backing and a man who has a PhD he got from an online, unaccredited (meaning it does not have to live up to the standards of the American Psychological Association) school that no longer exists because it got shut down. There is absolutely no evidence for John Gray's "theories" and in fact, there's plain evidence against it, not to mention that a lot of what's in John Gray's book has been found to be precursors to breaking up and divorce.

Secondly, you need to allow him to come to you in his own time. I'm not going to sit here and tell you all about the stereotyped gender differences until I see research proving they exist, but I would say that you trying to force the situation by constantly reassuring him he can come to you about whatever and that he needs to trust you is more of a problem than some fabricated idea of a "man cave." No one likes to be pushed into something they're not ready for, and while you may very well be someone he can trust and be open with, you're not going to get there by reminding him of it on a daily basis or by trying to coax him into something he's not ready for. Backing off and letting him know you won't push him, but you're there if you need him, can do great, great things for a relationship, whether it's for a man or a woman. It's saying "hey, I'm here for you," but it's giving them control over where they're at, and he needs to have it if depression is what he's going through and pushing him has resulted in nothing but his withdrawing.

Thirdly, have you ever asked him straight? :/ Have you ever communicated with him to say, "I know that you've been depressed lately and I'm struggling with how to handle it. I want to be there for you, but I don't want to push you. I also don't want to make you feel like I'm taking it lightly, because I can see how much it's effecting you. So I could really use your help. I want to know what you want from me? Do you need me to push, leave you alone, try and lighten the mood? What do you want from me because I want to be the best partner I can be." People so often get caught up in trying to do the right thing that they forget that it's okay to ask what the right thing is. If you're struggling this much with how to cope with his depression, and methods you've tried haven't worked, I would honestly be flat with him and ask him what he needs from you. That shows care, but it's also doing something even more important than talking: listening. That's one thing John Gray neglected to highlight as being important. Men need it too.

ETA: I also want to add that you should somewhat ignore his comments about other people, and it's possibly something you should confront him with as well. While it may be a product of his depression, if you reward it with reassurances every single time, it's not going to stop even when he's no longer depressed. My advice on that one would be to confront him about it and tell him that he can trust you and there's nothing more to it and that it's upsetting when he presses for that there may be more going on and you would like him to stop. However, if this is a result of you not being lovey dovey due to John Gray's advice, well, there's a prime example for why Gray doesn't work.

We actually watched a Saturday Night Live skit where a woman took Gray's advice and gave her husband things he didn't want; all he wanted was to spend time with her, and here she followed the advice that men need their own space and time to play hunter and warrior, essentially, away from the woman. Although that's exaggerated, it's a key example for why applying stereotypes to unique and individualised situations doesn't work. In all of this, though, I think it comes back to sitting down and actually having a talk with him about what his needs are. You'd be surprised at what listening can do for the both of you.

[Carenza LaRue]

we had a good talk today.

turns out he gets a bit shy with all the attention I give him. He doesn't know how to react and just keeps his silence. He thought I would understand.

thanks for the support, it was really valuable to me.