It's been a while, LFAD. [I could use some advice]

[luna_banana]

I originally joined LFAD several years ago due to a long-distance relationship across the country. We broke up January '11 and since then I've begun dating someone who attends the same college as me. However, we are both from different states, so during the 4-month long summer break we are separated, and I'm once again experiencing the all-too-familiar feeling of a LDR.

Unfortunately, my SO is a very un-talkative guy. Things were fine when we were together because we'd have stuff to do like watch a movie or cuddle, but now when we talk on the phone, skype, or text, it's becoming somewhat unbearable. I've gotten so many one-word text replies like "oh", "haha", and "cool" that make me want to throw my phone at the wall. I've talked to him about it and he said he'd try to be more interesting, but there wasn't really any change. So now I just try not to text him unless it's necessary. It's not that anything is his fault, he's just not a very talkative person and I suppose doesn't really know the kind of communication it takes to make an LDR work.

Has anyone else experienced a problem similar to this? How do I get my SO to be more interesting without being rude and just flat out saying "you bore me to tears"? I don't want to force him to be fake-enthusiastic about things just because he feels like her needs to entertain me, but frankly I'm starting to question my desire to stay in a relationship with someone who can't even hold a conversation. I really like this guy, and he is by far the nicest and sweetest guy I've ever dated, but now I'm starting to question if I should even stay in the relationship, or if we should break up for the summer and get back together in the fall.

I know I haven't been on here in a while, and it's debatable whether my relationship counts as "long distance", but I know you guys are always very nice and helpful and I feel like other LDR couples could relate to my situation. So please offer any advice you'd like to give, and thanks for reading

[marentora]

I think, I know how you feel. I'm a humanist and I always expected for the guy long conversations and text messages. Long conversations make you feel better and you can feel the presence of your love, despite the fact, that it's far from your place. Before I met my actual boyfriend, I've searched somebody interesting near to my place, but it never worked, because of one-word messages. I felt ignored - it was a very uncomfortable feeling. I thought, I never date with somebody who can only replies me with 'ok' or 'cool. Then my actual boyfriend wrote to me on last.fm and everything started, because he was the first guy I ever met, who was writing so long messages and I felt commitment in this. Fortunately he's a humanist too and he loves to write
Remember, that not every person likes long conversations. Maybe your boyfriend doesn't like it or hasn't so much time to make it work. I think, you should talk with him again. He should know about your requirements and fears. If he really loves you, he'll understand you and try to make you happy May, try to expand a conversation by yourself and 'teach him to talk' You can't to talk with him of coercion and feel so confused and embarrassed. It's a wrong way! Remember, that in the relationship you must be happy So, you should do everything to show him that you need to talk with him, that you need long conversations with sense and lot of feelings in words.

[Romeo s Juliet]

i can understand what you mean, it is very very very uncomfortable and crazy when you feel you are doing everythhing you can to carry on a conversation and the other person is just not respecting or appreciating the effort you put in and is respoding so irresponsibly. :/
but something you need to understand is not everyone is the same. sometimes guys need touch, presence of their SO to be actively participating in a relationship. it is nothing that is wrong with them. its just the way they are hardwired sometimes. you said that when you guys are togther he is loving caring and you consider him the sweetest guy you know. it could be that it is hard for him to develop strong feelings for you and activelt take part in conversations with you when you are far away. just something like he is not a person who can handle a LD relationship. but its not a bad thing. you guys can come up with remedies to overcome it.

in your post, you mentioned what you truly feel "he bores you to tears" and it is difficult and frustrating and also making u sad at the same time.
I think you should be very straightforward to him in here. what you need is him to get involved in meaningful deep conversations with you. because such conversations make you feel great, it gives you reassurance about the relationship, and it helps to grow feelings towards your partner with time.
there fore you need to tell him directly. you can say something like, i love you so much, i love spending time with you when i m with you, but when we are LD i feel we both need to make some effort to carry on meaningful deep conversations at least once in a while. it makes me feel reassured, we re LD i cant touch, feel you i cant cuddle you, so we have to do with words, i feel from the moment we became LD you are not putting as much effort in carrying meaningful conversations with me. i feel i need such conversations to make me feel reassured about our relationship. i want to make this distance a better experience for both of us. do you think we can talk about this and come to a solution? then you can talk with him openly, and tell him exactly how his short replies make you feel. i m sure he would understand and try to make you feel better, and engage in more meaningful conversations. just talk openly to him. and make sure you have that talk with him when you are completely calm and relaxed.
good luck

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Ok, I completely understand that texting/skyping whatever can limit the qualityof conversation. But something you said stood out to me:

"Things were fine when we were together because we'd have stuff to do like watch a movie or cuddle, but now when we talk on the phone, skype, or text, it's becoming somewhat unbearable...How do I get my SO to be more interesting without being rude and just flat out saying "you bore me to tears"?"

To me, it sounds like actually, in terms of communication, your conversations with him aren't interesting to you regardless of whether it's on the phone or not. It sounds like when you're in person, you're replacing what you lack in terms of conversation with physical contact. I could be completely wrong, but this is how your message is coming across. My concern is that that kind of relationship doesn't really translate well to LDR. You said yourself, LDRs take a lot of communication and effort and keeping things interesting, and if he's not doing that to you face-to-face, which you claim not to need because you can cuddle instead, he's unlikely to change what he's comfortable with. In terms of getting him to be more interesting... you can't really. This is just how he is.

I think the only things you can do, in terms of making this work LDR is keep up the communication on your end. You might be lucky, and once he realises that the only way you two can make it work is for you to both keep the communication up, he may start putting in the effort. It might even work to have a conversation with him about your experience of an LDR and what it takes to make it work, and stress the points that you think are most important. He may step up to the plate on this one, with your support and reassurance, but I think these are things you need to sort out before you start your LDR.

[luna_banana]

He’s just always been very un-talkative. When we first met, I just chalked it up to him being shy around me (he secretly liked me for a long time so he was understandably kind of nervous), but we’ve been dating for 3 months now and so I’m beginning to accept that he might just be a boring person.

To me, it sounds like actually, in terms of communication, your conversations with him aren't interesting to you regardless of whether it's on the phone or not. It sounds like when you're in person, you're replacing what you lack in terms of conversation with physical contact.

So yes, this is definitely more of a personality conflict between us rather than a LDR problem, but I think the LDR has brought the problem to light because we no longer have the opportunity to hide behind the physical aspect of the relationship. I do not find him to be a very interesting person. But he doesn’t know this, because I don’t want to just flat out say “you bore me,” I think that would hurt his feelings and would make things worse. …

…Yeah, he’s kind of sensitive. I don’t even want to bring up the topic of my past LDR, because whenever I bring up anything about a past relationship (even something as trivial as “my senior year was fun because I got to attend 2 different proms”) he goes stone-cold silent, gives a noncommittal shrug, and won’t even give a verbal response. Usually he at least gives me a “yeah” or something. I’m starting to learn how to read him better but it’s still kind of frustrating.

I know he is not “the one”, because he is very calm, soft-spoken, and complacent, while I constantly crave adventure and excitement. I feel like I will eventually belong with someone who is as passionate, motivated, and rebellious as I am. However, my search for guys with that interesting/exciting quality has usually led me to very disappointing relationships to guys with drug problems, or college drop outs that have no motivation to be successful in life but just want to have fun. My SO is really the only arguably “normal” guy I’ve dated, and while I’m currently bored out of my mind with him, I do have to admit that maybe it is best for me to date someone nice like him, who really cares about me and treats me very well, and never tries to boss me around. So I don't know if I should keep seeing him or break it off and try to find someone with whom I have more in common. Or, I could always ask to break up for the summer, and we can get back together when we're both at school. Thoughts?

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

This is my personal opinion, but I think when you've already decided there's no future with someone, you shouldn't continue to date them. It's almost like saying "I know we'll break up in the future, but I am going to continue this anyway". It's a bit pointless. And what if he thinks that you're 'the one', whereas this whole time, you've known he's not the one for you?
I'm not saying that you have to be 100% sure about a future with someone, but if you already know there's no possibility that the relationship you're in will lead to anything bigger, it becomes redundant.
And if he does believe you're the one for him, you're only prolonging his inevitable pain.
I just don't see the point in dating someone you definitely know you don't want to be with in the future.

[luna_banana]

It's true, but at the same time I don't know if I ever will find "the one" for me. I know a lot of people on this site are currently dating the person they want to be with for the rest of their life (and with good reason, if you love someone enough to stay in an LDR with them). But I personally don't want to get married, and I think part of the problem is I have such high standards that I don't think I could ever find someone I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life with. Not that I've given up hope for myself, each person I date is always promising to start out with, but there's always something that I could not be happy with in a life-long relationship. So for me, dating is more of a "journey, not a destination" sort of thing. I do realize that it could be a bad choice not to break up with him if I'm having these feelings, though. I don't want to break his heart, especially if he might see marriage in the future ( we haven't dated that long, though). I've decided to try talking to him about all of this today. Hopefully I can get more than just a one-word response :P

[Haley53]

You don't have to feel ready to settle down and marry. I'm not, and while I would love for that one to be my SO, I can't say, with logical assurance, that at 20, I have already found that. I am certainly much more willing to explore that possibility (in the future) than I have been with other relationships, but even then, I'm nowhere near ready to settle down and get married or even engaged, like some girls are already at 21. You're still in school, yes? So I'm going to assume you're at the very least in your 20s. You don't have to have it all figured out and you don't have to date someone for the sake of finding the one, but in this case it sounds like you're dating someone because they're nice company, different to what you usually date, and are getting a bit bored by it. Finding someone who's saucy and fun doesn't mean finding some rebellious college drop-out anymore than finding someone nice and respectful doesn't mean being stuck with someone boring. It's all about balance, and this balance is easier to find the older you get. There's no need to worry about "the one" now. You have plenty of time for that.

[LeilaniJoi]

Quiet does not always relate to boring. My guy is very quiet but he is also very intelligent and one of the deepest people i know. I had to come to terms with this and it was difficult on me but it is something i accept as part of who he is as a person. Because i love him i accept this just like he accepts my chattetbox nature.

I agree that if this is that important to you kind a relationship and you know he isn't the one, what is the point in dragging it out?