EX LDR contacts me. Wants her things back.

[Biscous]

I didn't read the replies, just the OP.

Seriously, just give her stuff back. I know you want closure, but you wont get that - or anything else - out of holding onto her stuff and making this more messy than it already is. From the sounds of it, she doesn't want to go over the break up with you, because she feels she has explained herself and you have not listened, and from what I can gather from reading your posts, you're over-the-top clingy and controling, you DO use having money against her, and frankly, I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with you either.

Give her stuff back, then try and learn something from all this.

While I think that yes she should pay you back the $200 - Visits are not just for her, they are for you too. You didn't spend that money FOR HER, it was equally for yourself, and you need to realise that too. There is always a risk someone wont get on a flight for you, for whatever reason.

I'm not over the top, clingy or over controlling. I'm sorry you feel that way. She came up to me with options to move out here, not I. She is finding reasons to make me the bad guy. If she broke up and explained to me correctly. I cannot say I did anything wrong to her. She stated that it was hard for her to make me jealous, that I didn't call as much, etc. Several things. Now I get here and I'm clingy and controlling. Hilarious honestly. You do not know the intricacies of the relationship.

I understood if she didn't want to move out and I have no hard feelings towards her and enjoy our experiences. There are things about her that relate to her past relationships that are patterns here with men (related to the ex that contacted me about her). I am not contacting her and have not since then.

[Haley53]

I also want to add that I don't think she's in the right either. I'd be telling her the same damn thing if it was her who posted. If someone said, "my boyfriend is witholding x from me because I won't give him y," I'd tell her to give him y because games aren't worth it and to let it go. The thing is, though, that you can't control others' behaviour. You can only control your own. And you're perpetuating the very things you're criticising in her for doing what you're doing. I also know for a fact that many of us here would say the same thing to a woman in the situation. Just because we're giving you an opinion you don't want to hear doesn't mean we're siding with your girlfriend.

Also, you have control over contact. Giving her her things gives her less reason to contact you. If she holds your things over your head? Then tell her she can give them back to you or not but you don't want to hear from her. I've never understood why anyone complains about their exes contacting them/using x as a way to make contact when they have control over cutting their ex out completely. It's difficult, but this is why remaining friends immediately after the break-up rarely works out.

[Biscous]

I agree with the others.

My ex broke up with me within the same week I spent 800.00 non-refundable dollars on a plane ticket. He said he wanted to see me one more time, talk it out. I asked him why would I pay $800 for him to essentially break-up with me when I could at least apply the credit somewhere else? He offered to pay it back to me while I was there. I was stupid, or perhaps blinded by my want to travel, and believed it'd happen. He paid back less than half through the things we did, but he got his in person break-up. Sometimes it happens, and you have to deal with it. Cut it as a loss, and move on.

I agree with Zephii and the others (Dizubika, snow_girl, etc.). This is passive aggressive, manipulative, and you are holding money over her head. Though I can't say that you've done it to her before, it's played a heavy part in your threads in the past, so I'm not going to assume she's saying things so she doesn't have to suffer blame or guilt for breaking up with you because your life paths simply weren't coming together anymore. There's nothing wrong that they didn't. She got an internship. You weren't supportive of it. You don't have to be explicitly condescending and unsupportive to be unsupportive of it; it comes out in other ways. I get that you were hurt by it, but you would have seen her three months later, less than three months!, as as I understood it, you were planning on seeing her August anyway. However, in the end, she chose her life path, which is where she needs to be at 22, because it scraped so much against yours.

I don't think you're doing any good by withholding her locket from her. It's childish and game playing. It obviously means something to her, and while I want to say you shouldn't give anything up in a relationship, or leave it around, that you're prepared to lose, I think it's ridiculous to withhold it from her until she gives you x, y, and z back. My father claimed, in the court, that my mother put his belongings in a box and threw them out to the curb for him to pick-up. I laughed, because I was there with her as she hand-packed everything in tissue paper because it meant something to him and hand-delivered it on one of the nights we were mandated to see him. She handled it with grace, because the court did not tell her to make sure his stuff arrived safely or even to put it away nicely; the court simply said what was his was his and what was hers was hers. It's immature to hold the locket out of her reach by holding money over her head. You're not doing either of you a favour and you're prolonging the drama, and quite frankly, I would not be surprised if this behaviour surfaced at points in the relationship, because it tends to. My opinion is give her the locket and stop using what you have of her to torture her because she made a decision. You claim to be the settled adult here, so act it.

Just to clarify, I am not holding it back from her. We only talked a few moments before I asked her could she please send me my things first then she attacks me about money and things. I never said in any of my posts that I was holding on to it. I simply asked was it wrong for me to ask her for her to return my things first? Apparently there are double standards here. I did not attack her personally or anything.

Regarding the internship I have been supportive. I was supportive by looking at her resume and several things. Again, please don't make assumptions and I am not holding the money over her head as claimed. I asked for her to return it to me and THEN it was a problem to her.

---------- Post added at 09:32 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:29 AM ----------

I also want to add that I don't think she's in the right either. I'd be telling her the same damn thing if it was her who posted. If someone said, "my boyfriend is witholding x from me because I won't give him y," I'd tell her to give him y because games aren't worth it and to let it go. The thing is, though, that you can't control others' behaviour. You can only control your own. And you're perpetuating the very things you're criticising in her for doing what you're doing. I also know for a fact that many of us here would say the same thing to a woman in the situation. Just because we're giving you an opinion you don't want to hear doesn't mean we're siding with your girlfriend.

Also, you have control over contact. Giving her her things gives her less reason to contact you. If she holds your things over your head? Then tell her she can give them back to you or not but you don't want to hear from her. I've never understood why anyone complains about their exes contacting them/using x as a way to make contact when they have control over cutting their ex out completely. It's difficult, but this is why remaining friends immediately after the break-up rarely works out.

Completely understandable. I just don't like the personal attacks. I realize that is the best thing to move on. I was just asking was it wrong for me to ask for my things returned.

[Haley53]

To me, asking for your things/money first is holding it over her head, and I would say that to a woman too. You don't have to believe me, but if the roles were reversed, I'd be telling her the same thing and have. I don't play the game of "I will, but only if...", which is essentially what you did, and I don't believe it belongs in relationships. My opinion is simply that you're prolonging the break-up and perpetuating the drama and acting as sore and immaturely as she is by asking for your things back first. While she's not in the right for attacking you, it's understandable that she reacted that way, same as it's understandable you're reacting to the way that she reacted. Break-ups are not about holding on. They're about letting go. I would give her her things and work towards moving on, and maybe you'll get your things back ,maybe you won't, but that's unfortunately not something anyone control. What can be controlled is the way you choose to handle the situation.

[redapple]

Simply send her her stuff and presume that she will be honest enough to send you yours.

Realistically what are your other options- not send her her stuff and somehow virtually force her to package your stuff and send it? Be the adult and just maturely send her her locket and you might just find she returns the favour.

Then it's finished and you can both move on from what sounds like a nasty breakup. Also bear in mind the person who actually ends the relationship rarely is the only one to blame, sometimes people just arent meant to be together. The fact she ended it doesn't mean she's the bad guy.

[marbear31]

I've read all the replies, and I really think this is a hard one to comment on. I can see both sides: you feel you want your money back, because it could have been used somewhere else; she wants her belonging back as well, and both of you are holding out on each other until one of you caves in.

I don't know her side of the situation, and I don't believe it is my place to cast judgment on your relationship. I have rad several of your posts, and honestly, they definitely come off as controlling, but text only can create an illusory perception of reality, so I don't want to cast judgment on you or her.

Regarding this situation, though, I think it would be much more mature of you to return her locket than to hold it over her. I'm not saying she shouldn't return your things (unless they were gifts--I agree with the others on this point, and if the locket was a gift from her to you, then that's a different situation as well), but I don't think it is worth the potential rupture of memories of good times in your relationship to keep holidng these things over each other.

Maybe the best way to look at this is the Golden Rule--who knows, she may return things once you've taken the first step.

Regarding the money, it seems to have been an issue interwoven into your relationship. Again, I don't know all the details of the situation, but you bought the tickets as a gift. I would want my money back, too, for practical purposes alone, but at the time, you can't really do anything about it, short of suing her. :P You might have to take one for the team this time.

I'm glad you don't have any hard feelings against her; I hope you can work things out.

[Biscous]

Simply send her her stuff and presume that she will be honest enough to send you yours.

Realistically what are your other options- not send her her stuff and somehow virtually force her to package your stuff and send it? Be the adult and just maturely send her her locket and you might just find she returns the favour.

Then it's finished and you can both move on from what sounds like a nasty breakup. Also bear in mind the person who actually ends the relationship rarely is the only one to blame, sometimes people just arent meant to be together. The fact she ended it doesn't mean she's the bad guy.

Yeah LDRs aren't meant for everyone. I enjoyed our time together and we truly did love each other. I think she got cold feet and was hesitant about moving, which is understandable. She hasn't been outside of Georgia nor away from her family. Also as stated in another thread I also believe other things factored in, such as family, us being an interracial couple, etc. I tried several times to meet her father but he never was able to meet me.

[Biscous]

I've read all the replies, and I really think this is a hard one to comment on. I can see both sides: you feel you want your money back, because it could have been used somewhere else; she wants her belonging back as well, and both of you are holding out on each other until one of you caves in.

I don't know her side of the situation, and I don't believe it is my place to cast judgment on your relationship. I have rad several of your posts, and honestly, they definitely come off as controlling, but text only can create an illusory perception of reality, so I don't want to cast judgment on you or her.

Regarding this situation, though, I think it would be much more mature of you to return her locket than to hold it over her. I'm not saying she shouldn't return your things (unless they were gifts--I agree with the others on this point, and if the locket was a gift from her to you, then that's a different situation as well), but I don't think it is worth the potential rupture of memories of good times in your relationship to keep holidng these things over each other.

Maybe the best way to look at this is the Golden Rule--who knows, she may return things once you've taken the first step.

Regarding the money, it seems to have been an issue interwoven into your relationship. Again, I don't know all the details of the situation, but you bought the tickets as a gift. I would want my money back, too, for practical purposes alone, but at the time, you can't really do anything about it, short of suing her. :P You might have to take one for the team this time.

I'm glad you don't have any hard feelings against her; I hope you can work things out.

Thanks man! Right, on here I do definitely write more of my inner thoughts and feelings on here. More of a deeper level of introspection. We communicated every day, I told her how proud I was for getting the internship and applying for jobs. I offered to help her in any way. She told me the internship would start in June and in April she looked at me one time and said "Biscous, when am I going to see you again?" so I was trying to make it possible that we would see one another.

Eh...the tickets weren't really a gift. She told me to buy the tickets so she could pay for a moving truck for her to move out here, so instead of splitting the cost on that she asked me to buy the tickets. I was going to pay for half of the ticket but she later convinced me, for the above reason, to pay for it fully.

I don't think I was ever trying to control her or anything. I just wanted us to spend ample time with one another. We saw each other nearly every 6-8 weeks, sometimes less. I thought she wanted to come move with me. We talked about this since November so all of this did not come out of the blue here and if she didn't want to start a LDR with me she could have ended it much earlier with me before all of this.


EDIT: Also regarding controlling, I never once told her to not hang out with her friends, stay at home, or control her life in that way. I haven't even been jealous when she had guy friends. I trusted her in what she said. Really she has wondered if she was 'enough' for me. I just cared and invested for us and realized how tough a LDR is on her being so far apart.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I clearly see your situation here and i think no matter whats right or wrong, you should just do what your heart says. If you want the money back, it was rightyou to have asked it back, there s nothing to be saved now, the relationship is over.
money matters are very sensitive, and you needed the money back,and you asked for it. simple. whether its the right thing to do or not, well it depends on how each person sees it.
however regarding her stuff. just return it, whether she resturns ur things or not.

[BabyDimples]

I don't think that it's wrong, but I don't exactly think that it's right either. The tickets were for you as well in a way, and it is understandable that you would want that money back. You should send her the locket back though, and hope that she will send you your money back, only if she can. I think that if you make a big deal out of it, then it will just make it worse. Good luck I guess.

[Brieasaurus]

Just like everyone else said, give her her locket back and move on with your life. To me, it doesn't sound like she contacted you to "drag things out" or anything, just that she wanted her stuff back (which I think is extremely rude of you to continue to hold onto them regardless if she has your rock or book). I also read your other threads, and I just wanted to say that I think it's ridiculous how you come here for advice and then have an excuse anytime someone answers and it's not what you want to hear. You guys have broken up, so just man up, mail her stuff back and move on.

[Biscous]

Just like everyone else said, give her her locket back and move on with your life. To me, it doesn't sound like she contacted you to "drag things out" or anything, just that she wanted her stuff back (which I think is extremely rude of you to continue to hold onto them regardless if she has your rock or book). I also read your other threads, and I just wanted to say that I think it's ridiculous how you come here for advice and then have an excuse anytime someone answers and it's not what you want to hear. You guys have broken up, so just man up, mail her stuff back and move on.

I just don't like the personal attacks stating I'm controlling or anything like that. That is not an excuse. I never told her what to do and I have not personally insulted anyone on here either, but I see a line of double standards in my interactions on here. I am expected to 'man up' but she is not expected to return my stuff. Those things are just as important to me as her possessions. And that is fair.

She has contacted me several times after our break up trying to see what I was doing. She also got informed I was out of town and she said she didn't want to hear about me partying or enjoying myself being 'I'm not happy I don't want you to be either' after I cut contact from her.

She could have easily asked for her things prior to this, but conveniently forgot when she was breaking up with me through Facebook. I really have no obligation to even contact her with her requests to get her things back. I simply want my things back including my money back as well. That is only fair.

[lala]

I understand you.. I guess some people here interpreted things that you said and made you look bad here... I don't know much about your relationship, only you know- so do the things that are the right for you.. you got some advice and it's up to you to decide what you want to do.
And I agree with you that some here are offensive..

[Biscous]

I understand you.. I guess some people here interpreted things that you said and made you look bad here... I don't know much about your relationship, only you know- so do the things that are the right for you.. you got some advice and it's up to you to decide what you want to do.
And I agree with you that some here are offensive..

I just want the decency of that. I was called needy and selfish when I was hurt that she said she had to extend our long distance relationship when all I wanted was to feel that my efforts were appreciated by her. Controlling when she didn't communicate things to me fully. Someone stated that they wouldn't want to be with me either when they do not know half the things about us. I just don't appreciate that and I don't do that to anyone on here when I express some of my inner thoughts that I don't always disclose and mention it on here in a community meant to help one another in the same struggle.

I don't regret our relationship one bit and enjoy the times together. I am not bitter and trying to hold anything over her head. I just want my possessions back as well. Despite what happens to me I wish everyone else success with their relationships and BELIEVE they do in fact work.

[ChibiFelicia]

i cant speak for anyone else but when i say jsut send her stuff back and forget about your own stuff its because you'll be dragging this out. Its not to say your stuff isnt important but you cant control someone elses actions. She isnt the one on here seeking advice/comfort and if she was i'd tell her to send your stuff back.

For me i just dont see what you'l gain by saying it's only fair that she sends your stuff back before you send her stuff back. From my p.o.v when and if you get your stuff back you'll regret acting like this because seriously...possessions are really not worth all this. If you keep pushing the issue you will eventually become bitter. Just remember the happy times, eventually when you have gotten over this you dont wanna look back and think of her in this bad light.