why!?!?!?

[alesitag]

Hi there... this is me... again... just thought i should give you a little update on how are things going...

So after bleeding my heart out the days following our break up, i started feeling better... I cut all kind of contact with him, he tried to block me one day because in his own words he "couldn't stand watching my status updates". He unblocked me shortly after but we still didn't talked to each other.

I had to go through all kind of emotions, bursting into tears at random hours of the day, sometimes at work, sometimes at home... thinking every single day if he's ok, if he's been drinking... then, I started thinking about me... and what I need.

When I started dating Pat, I broke up with my boyfriend ("A") for 5.5-years. As I'm sure I have said before, Pat wasn't the reason why I left "A"; we had many issues going on that even though I tried to address, "A" wouldn't recognize as a problem and wouldn't take responsibility for them. After Pat broke up with me, me and "A" got back in touch. We started talking and texting, and in the end we agreed to start seeing each other again, taking it slow just to see where it leads us to.

We both put our cards on the table and TALKED (something I learned thanks to this forum) about our mistakes and what we want in life. So far, it's been pretty good, we have lots of fun, we laugh a lot, "A" has been super sweet and caring, something I complained about when we were together, he compliments me every time we go out (again, another of my complains), he's focused on me, on what I want and need, he asks for my opinion instead of making decisions by himself... I could say he's more mature now, but still, I cannot let my guard down completely because I'm afraid he'll be back to his old self anytime, and I'll have to walk away.

So, just now when I'm starting to move on, and to feel happy and enjoy this part of my life... just now when I'm thinking maybe IT was for the better and things are going great with "A", Pat messaged me a few of nights ago... and here's pretty much what he said,

first message:

00:18:33 pat if i could ever say i did one good thing with my life... it would be saving you from being hurt and miserable by my actions alejandra


then later, the rest of the messages

00:52:51 pat im sorry i havent been able to come up with the words
00:53:03 pat and i dont want to confuse you more than i already have
00:53:12 pat i do still love you, very much so
00:53:23 pat maybe even more if that was possible
00:53:52 pat and its not that i dont want to be with you
00:53:54 pat thats not it
00:57:34 pat i dont know if i made the right decision at all
00:57:37 pat you know that
01:00:32 pat i really should have just talked to you about maybe looking at things differently
01:00:36 pat or taking it slow
01:00:44 pat making sense of things
01:17:58 pat goodnight sweet angel

I replied to some of his messages, I just didn't post my part because it was pretty much short answers, but I must confess my heart skipped a beat with every line I read. He never said he wants to get back together, and TBH, I don't think I could go back to him, simply because I couldn't stand another change of heart from him.

I still love him, and care about him... damn I sometimes find myself daydreaming about showing up at his place one day and never coming back home... but I won't do it, and I just don't know what to do. He also messaged me two days ago telling me he thinks about me a lot and asking if I was ok... he even tried to send me a song but I had to leave as I was at the office, so I asked him to send it when i got home. I messaged him when I got there and he never replied again... He also asked me if I got back with "A", I said no, but also told him he is back in the picture.

I feel he's hurt and so am I. He crushed my heart. I tried to talk to him when he made the decision to call it quits... but he wouldn't listen and now, all the things I tried to say and I couldn't, have come to his mind on their own, but I can't help feeling it's a tad too late.

I'm sorry, I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this, I guess i just wanted to get it off my chest...

Thanks for reading!

[Zephii]

*Wraps you up in hugs and feeds you hot chocolate* I've got nothing, but I read it all, and I hope that getting it off your chest was benificial. Sometimes when things get messy I just tell myself "things always work out alright in the end" and I just ride the wave and see where it gets me Don't know if that would work for you though.
Peace, Hugs, Carrots!

[Romeo s Juliet]

i read what you typed. i m so sorry. i think you shoud follow your heart no matter what you feel at the moment, take things slow and see ow it goes
"hugs"

[alesitag]

I can't stop thinking right now i'd be waiting for my visa to be issued... or probably i would have already booked my trip, and I'd be shopping for my week and a half in London, ON.

Today it'd be our 4 months anniversary... all our dreams, our plans... along with my heart are now shattered.

Today he told me again he misses everything about me and the only thing he regrets is hurting me and he feels like crap.

This is so hard...

[Haley53]

I don't mean to sound horrible, and I do sympathise completely with your situation, by why are you still in contact with him? :/ Staying in contact with someone who claims to have all these feelings for you yet they still don't want you can only break your heart. I have been there, and I honestly wish I'd have listened to what people were telling me at the time; cutting contact would have made it an easier, and cleaner, break. You're seeing it happen to you now. Why put yourself through it? :/

[marbear31]

I think it might be beneficial to take some time for yourself. Having your heart ripped open, then lightly stitched up, and now, with the potential for those seams to tear open, even deeper, once more, I think you really should take time to explore who you are first, and most importantly, who and what you want. You have two exes in the picture; it seems they both want you. I'm SO sorry you're going through this--it's never easy being torn, yet alone being torn and not knowing what you want, even vaguely. Just take this day by day, DON'T rush yourself emotionally (or physically). and simply listen to your heart and stay true to yourself.

Wishing you the best of luck, and hugs, and so glad you got this out!

Much love!

[alesitag]

Im sorry i didnt replied earlier but my internet was down at home and i got really busy at work.

First i must say, i tried not contacting Pat as we had agreed. Once or twice i only messaged him wishing him a nice day and thats it. I stopped it because i realized maybe it was hurting him more and it wasnt good for me either.

We hadnt spoke since we broke up and i planned to keep it that way, until i was feeling better. It was him who started messaging me. I even told him even though i didnt understand his decision completely i respected it, and that i could have begged him to take me back, but i didnt because i dont deserve being put in that position and i didnt want to put any more stress or pressure on him, since when we broke up he actually said thinking about the distance made him want to drink even more. I never encouraged him to think i want to get back together.

About my other ex, "A", well, we're having fun, Theres no need to rush things and im now making my own decisions regarding my life. Im living the moment, taking care of me and discovering what i like, what i love, what i want and what to do to get it. He understands i hate being controlled and controlling others. I find easier now to put myself first when needed and not to compromise/give up all the time just to please others.

Pat has not messaged me since yesterday morning and im not dying inside and i think thats great... Once again, im taking it one day at a time.

Thanks guys!!