I'm not sure if this is for me

[HoldMeImAFermata]

Hey LFD forums users lol. So I've been in a Long Distance Relationship with a girl whose three years younger and I know that probably sounds bad since Im 19 but in the long run it wouldn't matter. We really get each other and our personalities mesh really well she enjoys my quirky corny sense of humor and treat her with respect which a lot of guys today don't do. I'm physically disabled and she is really caring about and we've talked a lot about it and it doesn't bother her at all which Im glad about because its hard to find someone like that in my situation. Its the first time in my life I really feel I can say I'm truly in love and she feels the same. At the same time as much as I care for her I still haven't met her in person in the 2 months we've been "together" if you can call it that. She wanted to wait until she is done with school for the year which is in another two weeks before I came for a visit so she wasn't stressed which I respect. But she also still hasn't told her parents about our relationship when I told mine. She made it clear that she will before I come but its getting close to the time when Im gonna start planning and I feel like she should tell them now so the news can sink in. I don't know why she's so afraid to tell them because she already told them I exist just stretched the truth a bit and said that she met me through one of her friends on Facebook and Im 17 a little younger than I really am and they were okay with that. I hope they don't make a big deal. I'm going to at least give it a try because I have really strong feelings for her and I wanna see where it goes. But I feel like its not going to last at least at this moment. I am still a young guy and I don't know how easy its going to be to deal with not being able to physically touch her everyday hugging kissing etc in the long run. I'm probably always going to love her but do you all think that maybe I'm too young for this kind of a relationship? Truthfully this is the first girlfriend I've ever had and because of that I'm really anxious to just get to hold her and kiss her and see her. I don't know maybe I'm over thinking things because she is very special. Anyone have advice on what you think I should do?

[redapple]

Firstly youre young and in the early stages of your relationship try not to put additional pressures on yourself. There's no point thinking about how you might or might not be able to close the distance in the future before youve even met! However that said, if you have worries about being in a LDR or even starting a LDR (you seem unsure of your status together) then i think its only fair to be completely honest to yourself about whether your really committed to giving it a go. Shes young, heartbreak REALLY hurts when youre young, its not fair to let her get more attached if youre not into it.

However if you do want to give a LDR a go, accepting that you wont be able to touch her often and will not have the physical side to your relationship (perhaps for years, you need to be really honest with yourself in this situation about practicalities, think with your head and heart!) then she needs to be honest with her parents. I'll be honest in my opinion it was a mistake to lie initially, if your going to work then she needs to have support from her family.

This isnt my best written post so ill do a little summary- Work out in your own head whether you are ready for a LDR and that its the right thing for both of you. Dont put additional pressure on your relationship, let it develop and deal with hurdles as you get to them. She need to be honest with her parents.

I wish you the best, relationships are hard work regardless of whether youre close distance or long distance, best of luck!

[Zephii]

First advice is - always break your post into short paragraphs because other wise it's hard to read, and people might pass your threads by.

Secondly - You'll be fine. You're not too young at all, and you can make it work. Also, it's alright if her parents think you're just friends to start out with, lots of relationships start that way. Heck, I'd known my SO for FOUR YEARS, we'd been exclusive for a while (but not official) and I flew internationally to meet him - and he still didn't tell his parents we were dating! But it all turned out alright in the end, it never really mattered.

So yeah, stress less. Just enjoy the ride!

[Romeo s Juliet]

I dont think you are too young to be in a relationship or to be in love, but this is just the early stages of the relationship. its still been two months so take it slow. i see that you take this very seriously and you are making plans to go see her, and that she hasnt told about it to her parents is bothering you
but listen, it takes time. its true that you guys are in a relationshp and you want her to tell her parents before you go there. but think from her perspective. she knows how her parents would react when she tells them about her dating you while u are living so far away and having met online and 3 years older. at the beginning stages of a relationships sometimes truth has to be kept under wraps from parents, and elders till the relationship matures, depending on the situation.
its not a bad thing that she twisted the trusth a bit and told them that you are a friend. she surely wants her parents to welcome you and see how things go and surely a bit too scared at this momnent tp break the fact to them that you two are a couple. belive me she will tell them sooner or later. you just have to be patient.

With my SO, i flew to see him internationally at the beginning of our relationship, and we met and he told his family that we re friends. it took us one year to officially tell our parents. so dont stress. it will be ok. you are still at the beginning stages. take it slow. more than making it official you need to concentrate on strengthening the foundation of your relationship.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm pretty sure you'll understand what I mean when I say that the younger you are, the more significant an age gap can be.

Although three years isn't actually that large of an age gap, when you put it in terms of "she's 16", it seems bigger.

I think that YOU are ready for this relationship, but I have doubts about her. Think about it from her parents perspective. She's a very young girl, who's planning to meet a stranger from the Internet who she believes she's in love with, and she's already lied about his age, and he's 19, not 17. I'm sorry, but I think now she's made a pretty fundemental mistake here that means her parents are now much less likely to trust her. In her parents eyes, not only has she intentionally lied to them to save her own skin, shes demonstrated that shes not mature enough to tell them the full truth an suffer the consequences. I think that even if you go to visit, they may not actually let her meet you until she's older, for her protection. Or, they'll let you meet, but with supervision. And as her parents, that's their right. They don't know you personally, and parents don't trust strangers with their children. It's easy for people 18+ to go off and meet people, because they're legally adults. People under that age are under their parents/guardians protection.

Of course, all she can do is talk to them. Wait to plan a trip to see her until you know that seeing her is an actual possibility.

In terms of being ready for and LDR... They're hard. Everything you said about not being able to hold them and kiss them... It's frustrating. It comes down to a question of whether or not the time you do get to spend with that person is worth the frustration and hurt of being without them on a daily basis. You are young, but I'm only 20, and being in an LDR has taught me a lot. The significance of communication and honesty, for one. I don't think LDRs are about age, but frame of mind. And although I think you might be ok in an LDR, the fact that your SO is under 18, and has lied to her parents are obstacles I'm not sure she'll be able to get past until shes older.

[Sora1101]

I understand where your SO is coming from I was 15 when I started dating my SO who was 20 at the time and 16 by time we met for the first time and I still have yet to tell my parents about him almost 3 years later, maybe her parents just wouldn't understand and would prevent her from seeing you if she told them the whole truth, I mean what parents would honestly be okay with their 16 year old daughter meeting an older dude off the internet? Not to be totally sexist or anything but meeting someone they met from online has a lot stronger connotation to girls than it does for guys, the whole dateline shit ya know.

Also I don't think you're too young I mean like I said I was 15 when I started dating my SO :P but you might want to look up the age of consent for the state in which you will be meeting up I know in a lot of states the age of consent is 17 or 18 and so you wouldn't be able to do anything remotely sexual with her because if someone found out you'll be hauled off to prison and made to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life even if 3 years isn't a huge difference and won't matter later until she reaches the right age you're at risk, especially if you do anything with her and her parents find out and decide to press charges, even if she agreed to it it doesn't matter her parents have the right to get you arrested so I'd definitely look into that.

[HoldMeImAFermata]

First off thank you all for the advice it really helped me put everything in perspective which I really needed today since me and my LD girlfriend were having a debate about her telling her parents about us. But she's still unsure about telling them because like a couple of you said she's afraid they'll keep us apart. So I guess you're right maybe they should think were friends for now. I just feel like it would be better to not tell two lies since they already are of the impression that Im 17 right now which is fine with me a little white doesn't hurt anyone (yea I wasn't expecting her to tell them I'm 19) and just say were dating since we know were in love.

Also this comment is directed to Sora1101 you have a point that internet dating has a stronger connotation for girl then guys. But once her parents meet me and see that I'm physically disabled and don't have the ability take physical advantage of her then they aren't going to worry once they know we're dating. Thank you for the advice though. I think I'll tell her wait until at least after my first visit though that sounds smarter actually. I did think a lot about the last few days though and I'm going to try really hard to make it work cause she means a lot to me.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

First off thank you all for the advice it really helped me put everything in perspective which I really needed today since me and my LD girlfriend were having a debate about her telling her parents about us. But she's still unsure about telling them because like a couple of you said she's afraid they'll keep us apart. So I guess you're right maybe they should think were friends for now. I just feel like it would be better to not tell two lies since they already are of the impression that Im 17 right now which is fine with me a little white doesn't hurt anyone (yea I wasn't expecting her to tell them I'm 19) and just say were dating since we know were in love.

Also this comment is directed to Sora1101 you have a point that internet dating has a stronger connotation for girl then guys. But once her parents meet me and see that I'm physically disabled and don't have the ability take physical advantage of her then they aren't going to worry once they know we're dating. Thank you for the advice though. I think I'll tell her wait until at least after my first visit though that sounds smarter actually. I did think a lot about the last few days though and I'm going to try really hard to make it work cause she means a lot to me.

Just wanted to make two points - although I'm glad you agree that lying to her parents is not good, lying about your age to them is not a white lie. In order for them to trust the two of you, you HAVE to be honest about everything. Even things that seem like 'white lies', if they have the power to change a persons' judgement of a situation, aren't white lies. By telling them you are younger than you are, it is changing their perception and understanding of the situation. Think about it. How angry will her parents be of they are nice to you and accepting of you and then find out you both lied to them? This ties in with my second point. Regardless of your physical disability, you have influence over their child, emotionally. If you don't encourage her to tell them the truth, they are going to doubt whether or not you are a good influence on her, because they will see your behaviour as wilfully misleading them so that you can gain access to their child.
I say child, because legally, she is, and to them, she will always be their child. If you really want this relationship to work, at least for the next two years, you want to keep her parents sweet. They can ultimately control what access you have to her, how much access you have to her, and if they dont think you're trustworthy, they will not trust you with their daughter.
I think you guys should suck it up and come completely clean with her parents. Even if they are angry at first, (which, as they've been lied to, they have every reason to be) the sooner you set things straight with them the more trust and respect you will win from them.

[HoldMeImAFermata]

Hey peoples I need more advice if you wouldn't mind giving me some. So my long distance girlfriend did finally confess to her Mom that I'm actually 19 and wanted to come meet her but didn't say were dating. And her Mom agreed and we made plans and I just visited her this past Thursday! She didn't tell her Dad because they don't have a good relationship and he is a bit abusive emotionally so she doesn't really want him to know because he'd probably prevent me from seeing her but they don't really talk anyway. Anyway I had great time with her we kissed each other a few times and held hands it was an awesome experience. But now that I'm back home I'm really missing her bad and I'm starting to think maybe we should just be friends for now. I really love her and I want to be with her and probably won't meet another girl who's as sensitive and caring as she is for a while. But at the same time it doesn't seem like she's gonna be able to visit me at least for another year when she gets her drivers license but until then I doubt her Mom will take her to come visit me. I don't know I could be wrong she kinda surprised both of us by letting me a guy who's 4 years older come see her so maybe she'd surprise us both again and let her. My SO is kind of nervous about asking these sort of questions of her Mom for fear of not getting to see me again. When I asked her if she thought that could be a possibility she said I don't know. I'm also kind of getting tired of it being a secret that were in a relationship because even though we may only see each other once a month we are a couple. I realize some of you said it might be better for them to think we're friends for now but I also feel its not good to be lying. I think her Mom is already on to the fact that were dating anyway she brought her daughter to meet me at a mall near her and didn't follow us around while we hung out. My SO told me that after on the way home her Mom was like "he's a very nice young man but he's going to need a caring girl"(because of my disability). Do you think that means she knows about us? I don't know how if I can make it a full 2 years without closing the distance. But on the other hand I've never met a girl like her and nobody else ever gave me a chance so if we broke up for now it would probably just make me more depressed :/ So I guess my biggest question is how have some of you coped with not seeing each other on a regular basis? Or do you think I should not try and stick it out and wait a few years for her to get out of HS? Ugh idk what to do sorry if this was a jumbled message with my thoughts not organized great. Thanks in advance!

[Sora1101]

It's all up to you what you want to do, remain friends or keep dating. That said, and this may sound harsh, but suck it up. A lot of people on this forum myself included only get to see their SO's once or twice a year, we'd kill for the chance to see each other once a month. Also if her mom is hinting at the fact that she probably knows you guys are dating then obviously she isn't mad about it because she didn't react badly, and who said you can't tell her you're dating? You could easily tell her the truth now that she has met you and knows you aren't some obvious creeper.

My advice is don't dump her unless you no longer want to be with her, who says she'd wait around for you just so you don't have to be lonely a couple of years? There are tons of threads on here talking about ways to cope with the separation and I can guarantee you only feel this bad because you've just left after your first visit. It's a heart wrenching experience and you're too depressed about not being with her right now that the wait to close the distance seems extremely far away, it's not, you just have to get back into the routine of an LDR that's all.