Ultimatums between best friend?

[Tommybat]

A little back story: I dated my current girlfriend about two-three years ago for about a year and four months. We broke up because she cheated on me a few times :/ which really sucked because I really loved her.

now, fast forward two-three years, we're back together. I spent about 6 months talking to her and trying to get a feel for things. I've seen that she has matured a lot since then, and she apologized a lot for what she did, I did a lot of thinking, and well, after some time of putting off asking her out and sorting things in my head; I decided to ask her out again. and so far, things are going pretty well. It took me a moment to get over the I guess "awkward insecure thing", where you wonder if they're cheating on you, but I've overcome that and I trust her.

Now, we get to the confusing part. A dear friend of mine, is really upset and disappointed in me for going back out with her, which I guess, I can understand. It also turns out that my girlfriend does not like my best friend at all and is jealous of our very close relationship. My best friend also confessed that she loves me and I really hurt her by me going out with my current girlfriend. My best friend has given me an ultimatum that it is either our friendship or my relationship, but she will not do both.

I am also worried that my girlfriend and her may throttle each other as they will be at the same location this summer for a festival that they both attend every year, separately.

I can understand how my friend feels and I anticipated the being upset. The fact that she has feelings for me really took me off guard, I feel terrible haha.

Can anyone offer some advice ?

[Haley53]

When one of my best friends gave me an ultimatum, I simply told her that I'm not going to choose. I said that she can choose whether or not she's able to still be friends with me, that of course that's what I'd prefer, but that if she can't, I understand she needs time to heal. Still, I told her, I'm not going to be the one to make that sort of decision. It's up to you, what you want to do.

That's honestly what I would do, is give her the choice but telling her that you aren't going to be the one to make it. It's unfair of her to ask it of you, and you should never be put in a position to choose, frankly. Whether or not they'll throttle each other is at this point none of your concern. Right now I would simply tell your best friend that you're sorry she feels the way she does, but if anyone makes that kind of decision, it's going to be her, not you, and you'll understand her whichever choice she makes.

[katylynnlee]

Well, I know a lot of people may feel that getting back together with someone who has cheated on you before is a bad idea, BUT I am here to say otherwise. Yes, some people never change but you can't stereotype and say that "everyone who cheats will always cheat and never change" because some people are able to learn from their mistakes, feel bad about them and want to change themselves for the better. For example, I kind of cheated on my SO when I was drunk at the beginning of our relationship over two years ago, which was my fault entirely. However, I am not the kind of person who can continue with that behaviour and hurt the one I love the most. I beat myself up about it a lot and I still don't feel great about it, but like you, my SO accepted it and moved on. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, but I made a mistake. It's strong for you to be able to overlook what your current girlfriend did and learn from it together.

As for your bestfriend, it's extremely unfair for her to even give you an ultimatum. If she wants to be your friend, she should continue to be your friend, even if she doesn't approve, she should support you. I have friends who will tell me their opinion of certain situations in my life, but they ALWAYS tell me that they will respect my decision because it is MY life. If she wants to be your girlfriend on the other hand, then yes, this is completely appropriate behaviour because she's obviously very jealous. But that's not being a good best friend. That's looking out for her own interests and wanting you for herself, instead of considering what you want. I don't know this girl, so I won't say too much, but I think telling someone what to do and threatening to not be their friend if they don't do it, is wrong. It doesn't matter how hurt you are by it, you should be respectful.

[DemonxOisin]

Eclaire hit the nail on the head. Itīs not YOU that has been given an ultimatum, she is making one for herself. By dating your girlfriend, you are NOT choosing to abandon your friend :S Itīs HER choice to leave you. And in my own personal opinion, it might be healthier for her if she has feelings for you. Think about it - Do you really want to date your best friend? If the answer is no, itīs going to hurt her, no matter how nicely you say it. Itīs something she needs to get over by herself, and maybe taking some time to be away from you is how she needs to get over you. I think itīs literally just jealousy on her part in this case, and thatīs why sheīs being so, well, mean to you, for lack of a better word. We are not always the best people when we are losing something we love. So let her know exactly how you feel about her, and donīt sugar coat it. She will come to her own decision, one that is best for her own mental health.

Iīve been in both her position, AND your position before. And neither one is a pleasant position to be in AT ALL. Feelings are going to be hurt no matter what happens, so just try to be as nice as you possibly can about everything, and in the future when the dust settles down, it will be better for everyone, and hopefully everyone will remember that you did the best you could in that situation. Iīm not really on good speaking terms with my best friend right now, because he just confessed his feelings for me, and knew that me and him will never be. So we are taking some space apart from each other in the hopes that it will be easier for him to move one.

[Zephii]

I really feel for your friend in this. I mean, I know everyone hates ultimatums but think how painful it would be for her to see you (in the flesh) with this girl who hurt you so bad last time, when she loves you herself and wants to protect you.
Yeah, she did the wrong thing by waiting until you were dating to tell you how she felt, kind of shot herself in the foot there... but I still feel for her.

I also think that your girlfriend is jealous of the close relationship because she sees it as a threat to her relationship with you. Also, if she has any lingering doubts about her ability to remain faithful she might be projecting those fears onto you.

I'm all for giving people another chance. People grow up and change. So good on you.

Perhaps your friend will come round once she sees that you're not interested in giving up on either girl. I dunno. It's a messy situation, and I wish you all the best.