I guess you could call this an update

[yayagrl]

So in my last post I mentioned that my S/O and I were going on a 3 week communication break because he needed space. Well we only went like a week before he decided to text me and ask how I was. it was a short conversation and then I didn't hear from him for like 4 days. So he messaged me on facebook early Thursday morning with a confession. He's really a smoker. Now I'd asked him way back in the beginning of our relationship if he was a smoker because that was a quality I didn't want in someone that I was interested in romantically. He told me no at the time and all this time I believed him. When he first told me I didn't feel much of anything. I was just shocked that he even messaged me because the way I was seeing things going wasn't very well. The more I thought about it the more I felt hurt, pissed, betrayed. I felt like it was a blatant disrespect of not only our relationship, but our friendship as well. It was also a complete disregard to my feelings. When I asked him why he waited so long to tell me he said that he hid it because he knew that I hated it. I feel like he should've answered the question from the beginning with a "yeah I do smoke, but I'm trying to quit" or whatever. Anything would've been better than a lie. The fate of our relationship is ??? Because all my trust in him has been broken and I'm starting to wonder if all this drama and heartache is even worth it. I haven't had a chance to talk to him about how I feel yet because I told him that I didn't want to do it over facebook and as per usual his phone is MIA. I kind of feel like we should just work everything out, but at the same time I don't know. After knowing him for so long I can't even picture him as a smoker, but what if everything is a lie? UGH!!! Confused big time. The only way I'd be willing to go through with continuing the relationship is if he agrees to quit. Otherwise there is no point

[temporaryuser]

he fessed up because he was feeling guilty about it. With the two of you taking a break, it gave him time to step back and look at how the relationship was going. it was something he needed to get off his chest. I too would not be involved with a smoker, so i understandyour feelings.
Talk to him about it, but dont be accusatory about the fact that he lied. That is in the past and cant be changed. if you dwell on that, you wont overcome it and move forward. Reitterate the fact that you have no desire to be involved with a smoker.
Me and my s/o went to hs together. Then didnt see each other for over 2o years. The first time we saw each other (before becoming a couple), he was a dipped snuff. I guess I made a terrible face when I saw him do it. Before I came back the next time he made it a point to tell me that he quit just because of the face that I made.

[LeilaniJoi]

I can understand the disappointment and feelings of betrayal at work here, but honestly... that is a small thing. It's very possible that it was hidden from you because he knew how you felt about it and didn't want to lose you.. hence why he came out with it and admitted the habit. The fact is he did tell you, probably because he wanted to be perfectly honest with you and not be haunted by the omission. It sounds like one of those things that people talk about and embellish before they realize that the relationship is going to get so serious. Then once the relationship starts to get serious, they don't really know how to go back and fix it so it just continues until they get the courage to come forward with it.

Reading your post, it almost feels like there is more at work here. Could his admission be another reason in a list of things that is being built preparatory to breaking it off? Worry about his health yes, worry about his omission yes... but smokers can become quitters if they sincerely want to. There are things that would have been a deal breaker for me as well (ie. refusing to hold a job, physical or mental abuse, cheating etc) but smoking, in the grand scheme, is small change.

I think you are right in examining your feelings and taking a break, but take the time to truly analyze all reasons for doing so. Unless you are (or were) close to closing the distance, where this would be a much bigger problem, smoking in and of itself isn't that big of a deal. I was a non-smoker for a long time and truthfully, the fact that my husband at the time smoked did not bother me. He took it outside, did not smoke in the house and for the most part kept it away from me so it was a non-issue. Even though it was something I didn't like, you accept little things about someone that you love as part of them, work with them to help them quit if they want to but understand it is something they have to want to do for themselves.

Breaking up with someone because they smoke, or because they omitted this fact when they were far away from you really isn't a good reason to break it off with someone you profess to love. Love is about compromise and helping those you love, not about damning someone because they happened to have picked up a bad habit over the years.

My guy told me he was taller than he really is I'm 5'8" and he's 5'6" and when I found out I could have blown it out of proportion and been all hurt. Truthfully I've never been attracted to short men but with him, because I loved him it wouldn't have mattered if he'd been a dwarf and the height factor is soooo not an issue. He's masculine, strong and takes good care of me and when he told me, at first I kind of took a step back but in thinking about it I realized that he cared enough to come forward and admit his mistake which meant a lot... and we moved forward from there. (I just don't wear heels which is fine as I never really liked them anyway lol)

I hope you find the peace you are looking for and can come to some resolution with your situation. Honestly though, seriously look at ALL the reasons for the break... there has to be more than just that.

[Haley53]

I can understand the disappointment and feelings of betrayal at work here, but honestly... that is a small thing. It's very possible that it was hidden from you because he knew how you felt about it and didn't want to lose you.. hence why he came out with it and admitted the habit. The fact is he did tell you, probably because he wanted to be perfectly honest with you and not be haunted by the omission. It sounds like one of those things that people talk about and embellish before they realize that the relationship is going to get so serious. Then once the relationship starts to get serious, they don't really know how to go back and fix it so it just continues until they get the courage to come forward with it.

Reading your post, it almost feels like there is more at work here. Could his admission be another reason in a list of things that is being built preparatory to breaking it off? Worry about his health yes, worry about his omission yes... but smokers can become quitters if they sincerely want to. There are things that would have been a deal breaker for me as well (ie. refusing to hold a job, physical or mental abuse, cheating etc) but smoking, in the grand scheme, is small change.

I think you are right in examining your feelings and taking a break, but take the time to truly analyze all reasons for doing so. Unless you are (or were) close to closing the distance, where this would be a much bigger problem, smoking in and of itself isn't that big of a deal. I was a non-smoker for a long time and truthfully, the fact that my husband at the time smoked did not bother me. He took it outside, did not smoke in the house and for the most part kept it away from me so it was a non-issue. Even though it was something I didn't like, you accept little things about someone that you love as part of them, work with them to help them quit if they want to but understand it is something they have to want to do for themselves.

Breaking up with someone because they smoke, or because they omitted this fact when they were far away from you really isn't a good reason to break it off with someone you profess to love. Love is about compromise and helping those you love, not about damning someone because they happened to have picked up a bad habit over the years.

My guy told me he was taller than he really is I'm 5'8" and he's 5'6" and when I found out I could have blown it out of proportion and been all hurt. Truthfully I've never been attracted to short men but with him, because I loved him it wouldn't have mattered if he'd been a dwarf and the height factor is soooo not an issue. He's masculine, strong and takes good care of me and when he told me, at first I kind of took a step back but in thinking about it I realized that he cared enough to come forward and admit his mistake which meant a lot... and we moved forward from there. (I just don't wear heels which is fine as I never really liked them anyway lol)

I hope you find the peace you are looking for and can come to some resolution with your situation. Honestly though, seriously look at ALL the reasons for the break... there has to be more than just that.

I agree with 99% of this.

The only thing I don't agree with is what's bolded. I could not be with someone who smoked. It does not matter where someone smokes or whether or not they smoke in the house. It is still something I can smell on their clothes and their breath, both of which are enough to trigger migraines. I also watched my grandmother deteriorate, miserably, from lung cancer, from diagnosis to complete delirium, and while I'm aware cancer can still be contracted in non-smokers, I cannot watch smoking kill my lover the way I watched it eat away at my grandmother or what I can see it doing to my mother. It's simply not something I want to be around or would want my children to be around, regardless of whether or not they exposed me directly to it, because of the effect that it has on one's body and general state of mind. So though the OP has not outlined her reasons, I feel it's unfair to decide that calling off a relationship due to finding out that their partner is a smoker is not good enough of a reason. Some people believe that partners will cheat at least once in their lifetime and that it's stupid to get married to someone if you can't work past it, so it's really subjective as far as what is and isn't a good reason. :/ I simply wanted to speak out in defense of the OP because it'd be a dealbreaker for me, too, even if I already felt "in too deep."

Other than that, I agree with what's said here, especially the bit about analysing the reasons for taking a break. My partner and I took a break after his mother passed away and I still don't advocate them; as my experience clearly outlined, there are always, always underlying reasons that are, more often than not, intense and something worth being looked at. While I don't want to discount the fact that smoking might be a big dealbreaker for you, and while I still whole-heartedly back what I said previously, I also want to add that it might be important to look at the underlying reasons for the break in terms of why this came as such a shock and betrayal to you. Perhaps there are links that can be broken down and this can be worked through, or perhaps this really is something you're not willing to compromise on, in which case you need to look at the fact he's a smoker, and the terms of the break, and weigh your pros and cons.

[yayagrl]

OK to clarify about the break. We were on a communication break from BEFORE he confessed about the smoking. My reasons for not liking smoking are the same reasons that Eclaire stated, minus the loved one with cancer and migraines. I have asthma and allergies and the smell of smoke on someone is so strong and powerful that it literally makes me nauseous. Even if he went outside and smoked I'd still be able to smell it. I just can't stand it. My mom used to be a smoker and majority of my cousins that I grew up around were smokers so I've been around it long enough to know that I abhor the habit. Of course I know he can quit and has to want to really quit for it to work. I can honestly say that had he told me that he was a smoker when I first asked, I would've been ok with it. The feelings that I mentioned are what I felt about his confession, not the break. I, in a way, was a bit relieved that it hadn't been a confession of "there is someone else" or "I cheated", but to me smoking isn't a small change thing. I can't stand kissing anyone that smokes or being around them. They smell and taste like it and it's just really gross to me. However, the fact that I care about him as much as I do is enough for me to want to stick around. Had he told me before my feelings would be the same. He's a nice guy otherwise, he's never been verbally abusive, he takes care of his kid by himself, he has A LOT of qualities that I admire about him. His reason for hiding it in the beginning was because he knew how much I hated it. Also he told me that he needed the break because he was feeling crowded in his life. I can understand that. And since we still haven't had a chance to discuss the smoking issue I don't know where we're going with the relationship, but I still stand by what I said. If he doesn't want to quit then I can't stick around because I can't live around a habit like that. He has a slew of other health issues and I'm pretty sure smoking doesn't help any of it.

[LeilaniJoi]

I had a big long reply written out and my phone ate it.. ggrr. Let me address a few points. First off, paragraphs are your friend and make posts a lot easier to read and respond to. Secondly, when you post on a forum for opinions, that is what you are going to get ... opinions. So please take that as it is given because ultimately my thoughts are just my opinions and what has been right for me. It doesn't mean they will be right for everyone so there is no need to get upset or defensive about your position Thirdly, there was an important part completely missed in my reply that I will re-address.

Worry about his health yes, worry about his omission yes... but smokers can become quitters if they sincerely want to. There are things that would have been a deal breaker for me as well (ie. refusing to hold a job, physical or mental abuse, cheating etc) but smoking, in the grand scheme, is small change.

I think you are right in examining your feelings and taking a break, but take the time to truly analyze all reasons for doing so. Unless you are (or were) close to closing the distance, where this would be a much bigger problem, smoking in and of itself isn't that big of a deal.

Going simply with what was posted in the original post yes, smoking is not that big of a deal. If you were living together then it could be a much much bigger deal if there are health issues on your part to be considered. However, smokers can and do quit every day. Breaking up with someone simply because they smoke is kind of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater based on what might happen down the road healthwise if they choose to not quit smoking.

I still feel there is more at work here than just his omission about a bad habit. Analyze your true reasons for the break and all factors involved before you point at one single thing and say "That's why we are on a break". Just saying

On another point, for me a serious health problem would not stop me from being with someone I love. My guy has some serious health problems that should have killed him 10 years ago. He's had some amazing medical care which saved his life and prolonged it but there is a good chance that he won't be around in another 10, 15 or 20 years. When I found this out I could have said "I don't want to deal with this" but the fact of the matter is, I fell in love. The problems he has are just part of the equation, and I will be here for him until the bitter end... hopefully in another 40 or 50 years. Stressful? yes. Does it worry me? Yes. At the end of the day though I love him and I pledged myself to him and we are partners... through whatever that leads us through.

Saying all that, please do analyze carefully your reasons for being in the relationship to begin with and your reasons for the break you have taken. Add his omission to the list if it's another factor but to me smoking is a small issue when you are still hundreds if not thousands of miles apart. That's fixable. Now, whether he wants to fix it and stop smoking is a whole other issue. I guess that will depend on how badly he wants to be with you knowing how you feel about it.

Again, just my opinion
Blessed Be

[mofet]

I agree with a lot of what the other posters have said. I can add one thing.
I never thought I'd ever want to date a smoker, but it's honestly not a terrible thing.
Many smokers can also be positively influenced by someone who doesn't smoke, and you can even help him choose a healthier lifestyle.
As far as the confessing goes, plenty of people lie to strangers, because they don't want to jeopardize their chances. While I do not condone lying, I don't think you should be too mad at him. He probably didn't have a bad intention and maybe was hoping that after meeting him, you may be more open minded.

[kirbycat]

I also want to speak out in the OP's defense here, for pretty much the same reasons as Eclaire. I would never choose to date a smoker, not because of migraines, asthma, etc., but because I simply cannot tolerate the smell, even just lingering on someone's clothes. Yes, I understand that for a lot of people, it's not a big deal and it's something they can live with. But some of us can't. I also watched my mother die from lung cancer - and she wasn't even a smoker. So for me, it's hard to accept a habit that could lead to such a tragedy, when it can already happen to someone who's in perfect health.

That said, to the OP: It sounds a bit to me like this lying about smoking is being used as the tipping point in a list of other issues related to your taking a break - and if things are already a bit strained between you guys, this is understandable. However, you don't have to let this be a dealbreaker. Yeah, it sucks that he lied to you, and I'd be a little pissed off too. But the fact that he was brave enough to confess the truth - especially when he knows how you feel about smoking - is a good thing. It means he has enough respect for you and your relationship to fill in those holes in the foundation. If he wanted to end the relationship, he could easily find a way to do so without exposing himself as a liar. Instead, he chose to come clean. I'd say there's also a good chance he's feeling much more willing to work on quitting now - assuming he really wants to do it for himself, and not just to keep you from leaving. Your patience and support in that can only help.

I assume there's a lot more that you're attracted to in your SO than just the fact that he was (as you thought) a non-smoker. As big or small an issue as smoking might be, does it really outweigh all the good qualities? Or, if you are seriously considering breaking up with him, then make sure it's for real reasons, and not just excuses. No, the smoking issue doesn't help anything - but it doesn't have to hurt things any more than you choose to let it. I think he's still deserving of a bit more of your time. After all, he thought you deserved the truth.

[yayagrl]

I'm sorry that you felt I was angry in my reply Leilani as that was not the case. I was simply stating facts, but I almost feel as if your reply was showing anger towards me and that I don't like. I'm sorry you have an issue with the way I post things, but that's just how I post things as I'm not entirely thinking about being grammatically correct or even about separating things into paragraphs when I'm stressed out so I feel the first bit of your response is a bit condescending. I wasn't completely looking for advice, more just a venting. I do, however, thank you for your opinion. Smoking is a big thing to me, but because I care about him I know that he can quit and we can work past it, but only if he wants to.

As far as my SO's health issues are concerned they are serious, but I have stuck around from when he told me about them. He recently got a blood clot in his leg, he's on blood thinners for it. He has gastroenteritis, Addison's disease and Osteoporosis. He also fractured 2 of his vertebrae in February of last year. I've stuck around through all of that. I wouldn't leave him over health issues. Those are things he can't help. I'm just pretty sure that his smoking habit doesn't help with the dozens of meds he's on.
I can't really stress enough the fact that the break happened BEFORE his confession. I'm not analyzing that. He told me himself that he needed space. Of course there may be other issues that he may be going through in his life other than the fact that he feels crowded, but I will leave that up to him to tell me when he is ready to share whatever it is.

I do thank all of you for your replies, and yes even you Leilani even though you thought I seemed angry and I apologize again for coming across that way.

As for the relationship. I'm just giving him his space for now. After going through every emotion about the confession I do realize it must have been hard on him to keep such a thing a secret for such a long time and I'm glad that he decided to be honest about it. I'm willing to work through it, as long as he is. If he isn't then there isn't much that I can do obviously. And yes, @kirbycat, there are a lot of things that I admire about him. I love the guy, I honestly do. We have loads in common. *insert lots of other good stuffs here* Thanks again for the replies guys.

[LeilaniJoi]

I apologize if you thought I sounded condescending as that was not my point at all. Many, many posters in the forum type with no paragraphs. To a large degree those get skipped over because they are simply hard to read and process in that format. On the same idea, I guess I felt you sounded defensive... so I guess we are in the same boat there in that a mistake was made in reading a "tone" into a post. Always online, the reader infers the tone of the post so I was mistaken there as well.

I guess I don't post many times because at 40+ years old, my outlook on life in general is a lot different than someone of 20 or so. If I post what I truly think then it's taken wrong. As a parent, as a partner to an SO and as a LD crash victim (in the past) and now LD survivor I do have some ideas and thoughts on things. I guess I would be better served to lurk in the "old peoples" forum and just leave these kinds of posts alone from now on.

Venting is all fine and good... I do it often on my blog. If I really need to vent though and go to a forum then I'm inviting opinions and you know what they say about those, everyone has one... some bigger than others. I tend to be a bit abrupt in my thoughts and I speak very directly. If I read a post and have an answer for it, I say what I'm thinking. I'm not going to sugar coat it a lot just to make someone feel good. LD relationships are hard and some people need to hear the hard truth to help them see an issue rather than what they want to hear for a feel good warm fuzzy. Trust me, I've been nailed here before and got my feelings hurt when I posted something and I got an honest reply *shrug* part of life, but it also made me think in another direction and helped me come to a conclusion and decision on the subject.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.