Dirty Laundry - Rehab

[lala]

I know that you are pissed!!and you have every right to be so.. but maybe try to think that you are in his position..being addicted and depressed, would you have told it him? I just try to change the perspective and if I do I can understand him a bit.. of course it would have been better íf he told you.. well let's just wait and see what he is going to say.

[Manoek]

I just talked to his dad, they are going to visit him in about a hour. I ask his dad to tell him that I love him. Showing my support I guess, even though I'm still pissed! Anyway, I'm gonna call his dad when I get up for work so he can tell me how it went..

I actually just started to pack my suitcase..

[Manoek]

So I talked to his parents and they told me he is doing good and he asked about me. I told them that its nice that he says that, but how can I trust him?

So anyway... I'm leaving tomorrow to go to the US for 25 days and his mom is picking me up. His mom told me that their whole family wants time with me hahaha!

HIs mom want to take me to California (to The Ranch of her sister that passed away 4 years ago and where I met their family). Davids brother want to take me go rock climbing, his sister wants to bring me to a concert, and his niece want to go camping and horseback riding!

I love his family!! Even though the conditions are weird, I'm still excited to go! I'm even excited for the flight! I looooooooooooove flying!!

Only 2 more hours of work and then its time to finish up my cleaning & packing...

[snow_girl]

Thats great his family like you and want to spend time with you. I can only imagine how awkward it would be to spend a month there while he isn't there and without anyone to make the time worth it.

[Manoek]

So I arrived! Flights went great! When I arrived I saw my mother in law in orange (Dutch colour)! Was so cool!! She told me she had a surprise, i asked her what it was but she said, you'll see. So when I walked up to get my luggage, my SO poked me! I looked up, and saw his handsome face. I just saw his handsomeness! I hugged him and kissed him.. And after that I pushed him, but I was so happy to see him that I didn't want to hit him anymore :P

After I looked past his handsomeness I could notice his drug addict like body..

Anyway, yesterday we finally had some time to talk.. It was actually at first a horrible conversation.. I cried and yelled, he just yelled.. We were both selfish.. I actually thought I was going home single in 3 weeks. Later on he talked to his dad, and we talked some more after that, after we got rid of our frustrations. We went to bed and cuddled.. It was nice, how it's supposed to be..

So the situation is this: he has been sober for 12 days. He wanted to spend time with me, so He got out with permission, and as soon as there is a spot open again he want to go back for 6 weeks.

We both came to a agreement that we can't do this another 7 months. So after those six weeks his mom wants to send him to holland for awhile. But we'll see what happens...

I'm really proud of him doing this, but I can't help but being selfish. I read some stuff about dealing with people in rehab, and it all said: screw your feelings, the only thing that matters is his recovery..

And I don't know if I can deal with that.. I really don't.. So I just take it one day at the time.. Try to enjoy myself (and of course I do). But it is really hard..

[Haley53]

I'm really proud of him doing this, but I can't help but being selfish. I read some stuff about dealing with people in rehab, and it all said: screw your feelings, the only thing that matters is his recovery..

And I don't know if I can deal with that.. I really don't.. So I just take it one day at the time.. Try to enjoy myself (and of course I do). But it is really hard..

There's a difference between "screwing your feelings" and realising that you have to be the one to carry the relationship right now, and you have to be the one tending to your own feelings.

Sometimes your SO can't be there for you. In the same way when you're at your most shattered, your energy is limited to expend to other people (you may still listen and do your best, but you won't be on top of your game if you have your own needs that aren't being met and paid mind to), that's where your SO is at currently. His energy and focus needs to be in rehab. It needs to be in healing from his addiction and on working through the reasons he turned to drug addiction in the first place. He is going to have good days, he's going to have bad ones, and he's going to have miserable ones, and these are likely to continue even after the six weeks, even if they get fewer and far between. It's not going to be an easy road, and that's why his energy needs to be on getting through it. It's a matter of whether or not you can sit and wait for him while he does.

That doesn't mean you have to completely ignore your feelings, but it means you have to be slightly more patient, slightly more forgiving, and slightly less demanding with them. You have to try and understand life from his perspective. I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to be with someone with a drug addiction or to be with someone going through recovery, and I only vaguely remember one of my friend's struggles to get clean (she never successfully did), but I do understand what it's like to have to put your feelings on the backburner, to have to deal with moods you're probably never going to understand, to have to deal with coming second to their healing, and it is extremely difficult, but it's not impossible. I actually genuinely feel it's provided me with a lot more tools for self-sufficiency than I was ever aware that I could tap into, simply because it involved my paying attention to my needs and learning what I needed to do to remain balanced and stable. And that's what I mean by don't ignore your feelings.

Realising that they may not be able to listen to you every time you're hurt or that they may not be able to be there for you in the way you need, sometimes temporarily and sometimes for a while, does not mean you can't work on getting supports in place. If it helps you having someone to talk to, consider seeing a therapist. If it helps you to engage in physical activity, in addition to your running, maybe find a new work-out or a class that you really enjoy? I know I found kickboxing to be immensely helpful for relieving stress, anxiety, etc. If it helps you to take time to relax, make a reading list for x-number of months, make it a point to have a you-night once a week with a bubble bath, a good movie, and ice cream. Meet new people, reconnect with old friends, or hang out with the ones that you have. Find what you need to do to help you get through it. Learn how to pamper and take care of yourself because while he may normally be able to help, he needs to focus on himself currently.

[lala]

I agree 100% to Eclaire!!
plus if you really love him and want him for your future you have to be there for him. I can understand that it's hard and it pains you a lot, but he is down and he needs people who love him!I'm sure he needs you. so don't give up, fight for your love and isn't it great for him coming to holland? I think that's great!and all this will make you two just stronger and if you survive this you will deffinetely survive everything!! so keep fighting sweety!

[Manoek]

Thanks Eclaire & lala..

We went hiking today in Bryce Canyon (big Utah tourist canyon ) and we got in to a fight while we were going down (total of 3 or 4 mile hike). He talks about it all the time, and I'm happy that he does that. But sometimes I can't help myself and have to give my opinion.. So after he said for the 15 time that day that he is going to change his life, I said: that's also what you said 6 months ago (when he got arrested). He got pissed off because, I told him he should talk about it, and he feels that when he does, and I don't like what he says I say something like that and I shut him down. It wasn't ment like I want to punch him in the ground. I'm a good listener, but he said it a couple of times already, and that is really how I feel, he said it before.. So why trust him now. But he says things are different now.. But how can I know that.

Anyway, once we were down we had to get up (didn't spoke to each other like half of the hike). So he said something about that we needed to talk when we were back, my response was, why not right now (even though the canyon was full off tourist). So we started yelling at each other in the canyon. About everything! And he did what a lot of recovering addicts do: try to break up with me because it would be better for me.. So we yelled some more, and I cried.. And started walking up the canyon really fast

Then half way up he was breathing really hard (as was I) so I asked him if he was ok, he said yes and said that he was just trying to keep up (with a grin on his face) so I said: yeah I keep trying to run away from you. So we laughed, and it's was good. So when I almost passed out (that hike is no joke!) we sat down and had a really good conversation!!

We are so much happier with each other right now, it's kinda weird hahaha. I guess we had to get it out or something. But at one point I really thought I was going to leave that canyon single..

Later on that day when we were all happy and everything again, of course some guy asked us when we are getting married.. Oh Utah, you crack me up. I can't believe people just ask you that, for the record, I have no rings on my finger. I was caught of guard, but David had a good answer ^_^

We are going to spend a couple of days away from each other because I'm gonna spend some time with his family. Going to Def Leppard tonight, and camping this weekend. He is going to a techno show with some friends (that don't do drugs). So fine by me :P

[TwoThree]

Def Leppard are gods.

Good luck with everything.

[alesitag]

And he did what a lot of recovering addicts do: try to break up with me because it would be better for me.. So we yelled some more, and I cried.. And started walking up the canyon really fast

I understand what you're going through and all I can say is I know how heartbreaking it can be to hear those words, because no matter how imperfect he might be, you are able to see the real man behind all his flaws... and in the end, deciding what's better for you and if he's good enough to be with you it's your call, not his. At least you both had the chance to let it all out and came to your senses. It'll be hard to rebuild the trust you had in him, but it's not impossible if you both really want to work on it.

I'm wishing you success and much much love!!!

[Manoek]

A little update, so I have been back in Holland for over a week now. I miss him a lot, even though we fought every day.. It almost looks like we are better off long distance then closed distance.

But any way, the plan was that he was going back to rehab as soon as I went back to Holland, but he is still at B & C their house, even though he told me he was going back and he couldn't wait to go back, because there were people that understand him. And when he would come out of rehab his mom would buy his ticket to holland. So it's frustrating that he is not back in there. I actually have no idea why he is still not in there.. -__-

So it's not that I gave him a ultimatum, but I did tell him, and he actually told me the same, that we can't do this again for 6 or 7 months. So I don't have any money anymore, so he has to come to holland this year. So if he won't come this year, we really have to see if we want to continue this. Because I kinda have a problem with his 'effort' in this relationship. I think he can do more, even though he is in a hard place right now, the 'effort' thing was a problem before his addiction. And he actually doesnt have a excuse not to come if his mom wants to pay for his ticket!

So we will see what happens.

I'm not on LFAD a lot anymore, because I'm not in a happy place right now with my relationship. I don't feel like talking about it anymore, or work on it a lot anymore, because the ball is in his court.