Man this long distance thing is ROUGH!

[boopei]

Alrighty, so since I'm new here, here's a little back story

I'm 31 and my SO and I met last October, have been together ever since then and things have been going pretty great. There was an instant connection/attraction right from the beginning. It's only been a relatively short period of time, but I know myself well enough that I know I DO love him, and he thinks/treats me like I'm a goddess (even though I'm not used to being treated that well). I had been single for a year and a half before I met him online (my friends had a LONG fight to get me to do the online thing, lol), and I was very confident when I was single after I had taken the time to heal from the previous very bad breakup.

He's a divorced, single dad of 2 adorable kids (5 and 8, he has sole custody), lives an hour away, and works full time (he actually just started a brand new job that's WAY better for him and the kiddos). My parents live in another province, and he surprised me a few weeks ago by taking me home for a weekend. We stayed at my parents place, and they really like him, also a new thing for me (they hated all previous men in my life.. rightfully so since I've been screwed over pretty bad before).

So I'm not new to being in a relationship with a guy who has children. That's no biggie. He took his time (6 months) before I met the kids, not because he wasn't sure about me, but he wanted to make sure his kids were getting along ok after his divorce (his oldest was having a few issues because his ex-wife was emotionally abusive to the kids - physically towards him) and that I could handle it. I met the kids and that went fantastic. I only get to see him on the weekends, which is when they go with their mother, so I've only got to spend time with the kids 3 or 4 times, which isn't much.

Very early on in the relationship he made it clear that he knew I was the perfect person for him and he was going to marry me someday. I was skeptical at that point, scared that I was a rebound or that he was just sweet talking me to get what he wanted from me (like the others).. but I did a pretty good job of giving him the benefit of a doubt, even tho my own self-protection mode was in high gear.

Just before Christmas he was having some rough times financially (ex wasn't paying child support like she should etc), so I loaned him a pretty substantial amount of money from my bonus at work, to help him buy a second-hand car to have for him and the kids (he had a company car during the week). That was perfectly fine, I was glad to help out because I knew he'd be true to his word and pay me back. Christmas was hard, I went home with my parents, but still missed him a lot. My holiday sucked because my mother especially seen me even dating as rushing into things etc, and assumed I was getting into a mess again.

So when January rolled around and I got back home to go to work, I was more timid and a little more paranoid/scared. It took well into February for me to get that under control, but I did finally.

I have the kind of personality that I crave touch. I hug my friends all the time and I miss when I don't. I found that over the winter the distance started wearing on me more and more. I felt myself feeling very lonely during the week, and over the weekends when something happened with the ex and he had the kids and couldn't get down, I was just short of heartbroken to not be able to spend time with him (this is before I met them). I've met the kids and we're now 8 months into the relationship. But I find even tho he calls me in the mornings to say good morning and normally calls me (or we skype) at night, I'm still missing him being around, and although I was hoping it would be getting easier, I don't find it is yet. It's almost a year and I find I'm asking myself if I was mental to take on this challenge. Most people take on the challenge of dealing with someone with children... OR a long distance relationship.. but I seem to have taken on both haha. Although I know he's absolutely worth it, I find it harder and harder to manage the distance. I work out almost every evening, and now I started going to the gym to lift weights with my best friends on my lunch break. I even play hockey with the guys in the evenings, because well the exercise is great for the body and mind, and I find it helps distract me.

He's mentioned me moving in with him (because he's got the room for sure), but I find I'm not letting myself entertain the idea. Firstly because in every situation before (yes I know past is past), but I was ALWAYS the one, to pick up and move and do whatever it took for things to work out. I find myself thinking although I love him, if he cares as much as he says.. he'll find a way for it to work without it adversely affecting him or the kids. Secondly with my work and workout schedule (I'm in the middle of losing another 100lbs on top of the 80 I already lost)... if I moved in with him, I'd have to be up at 6am in the morning and not getting back home til 9pm or later at night. Thirdly my car has been in 2 car accidents in the last 7 months and although driveable I'm scared to drive it very far, and unfortunately don't have the money right now to fix it up or get a new one. So that's the cons, the pros would be I'd get to spend much more time with him and the kids (although after being on my own for so long that scares me too!), and I'd save a lot of money in rent and living expenses.

All this time he said he really can't live without me and definitely is trying to figure things out, but last night he told me that he can't see anything working out any time soon because of his oldest son. He doesn't want to take him away from all of his friends in school again (they moved a LOT when him and his ex were together). It makes me feel like I'm being unfair to expect him to come to me, but it also makes me feel kind of like I'm being punished because of his past. I'm trying to be very rational and patient, but I spent so long hoping and wishing for someone in my life who would be amazing (everything he IS), but part of me is sad because I wanted someone all to myself for a little while (which I get on the weekends). Yes I knew what I was getting into with someone with kids because the kids will always be #1, but its still not easy to not feel like that once and a while, doesn't mean that I'm completely heartless or anything.

Anyways sorry for the rambling rant. I'm sure if I can work on my patience things will work out... just that seeing someone you love so much only 3-4 days a month is really hard! I have no idea how military wives and people in similar situations manage. If anyone has any advice it'd be great!

[Kristin91]

I don't have any advice, but welcome to LFAD

[Haley53]

Has he paid back the money for the car? If it was enough to afford a second-hand car, then I'm guessing it's at least substantial enough to go towards repairs.

That being said, I think you have to realise that when you're dating someone who has children, the children come first, no questions asked. You're not being "punished" as a result of his past. You're being asked to settle in to a lifestyle that was his before you came along. :/ In the end, he's the sole charge of his children, a single father who's acting as the protector, the provider, and as the one who understands what's best for his children. It sounds like they've already been through a lot and he doesn't want to upset them further by packing them up and moving them somewhere else for someone else. That's not selfish. That's not punishing you or you having to suffer because of his past and life before you. That's simply the way things are, and in a relationship where children are involved, you have to make more sacrifices than most people would have to normally.

In the end, I can understand your trepidation. You haven't been together a year yet. You've been screwed over in the past. The idea of closing the distance so soon, by way of anyone moving to anyone, would terrify me too! But it also has to be understood that LDRs can't work without compromise and his children, unfortunately, limit the compromises that your SO can make. Any situation with children is delicate, but he's decided what's best for his children, especially his oldest son, and given what they've been through, I'm going to assume he's probably right. I doubt it's any excuse that he doesn't want to pack up and move, simply that he has two other lives to think about that come before doing what he wants. With that said, that all means that the one who's likely to have to make the big move/sacrifice here is you. :/ And I think determining whether or not you can handle that is as important as deciding whether or not it's worth it to pursue a LDR in the first place.

[boopei]

Nope he hasn't been able to pay back the money for the car yet. The new job he got is 3x what his salary was at his old job, so I'm pretty confident that that will be soon. Probably a good thing, because I have a lot of trust issues, and that will help ME feel a little better for sure.

I think that's why an emotional part of me is kind of all over the place. I know sacrifices need to be made when with a guy with kids, that's a no brainer really. But when we are together.. its always just the 2 of us because of the way things are... but when we can't have that precious time together.... its generally because of the ex or something to do with the kids, so it brings up some odd feelings, which I of course realize I need to ask myself if I can handle those sorts of things.. and so far, I have.

He's an amazing man, and wonderful father. We tell each other everything, and are very honest which is great because I don't like any beating around the bush. I know he's worth my time investment in the relationship, its just my own fear that's crippling sometimes. I was in a car accident in January and had to be taken by ambulance, and he couldn't be there for me because of the kids... As much as I really do understand that, part of me got REALLY scared from then on out, wondering if he will be able to be there when I need him most (emergencies, etc).

So if there was an easy fix to get rid of fear, I'd be all set I think. But I'm sure I'm not the only one who is scared of being taken advantage of again (after past relationship disasters). It's not fair to hold him accountable for others actions (which I'm trying HARD not to do), but its awfully hard to let go of that fear.

Hopefully it'll be ok to vent on here once and a while just to get stuff off my chest, sometimes it helps to just get the emotions out of my head I think if I have the patience to wait it out, things will work out. We'll find a spot together (meet in the middle type deal) and it won't be something that will traumatize the kids and it'll be the compromise that will work great for everyone!

Thanks everyone!

[Haley53]

Again, there has to be the understanding that the children come first. My SO's visitation to me and even our entire process as far as where we're going with our relationship has changed exponentially since he became the legal guardian of his brother. It's not always the ideal situation. I would love for him to be able to come out and spend a summer in America. He simply can't, and I have to accept that this is his responsibility currently. When it comes to emergencies, maybe if in the same place, he would be better able to be there for you and assist you, but there are likely still going to be times something happens with the kids that cuts into your time together or that cuts into his ability to be a husband. People oftentimes have this assumption that your spouse comes first; while that may be true, it changes when one has kids. You brought a life into this world and are therefore responsible for it, meaning your wants and needs have to often be put aside for your children's. Until you both married, if you reached that point, there might be situations where you have to hold your own, scary as it might seem. There's a reason it's not easy dating when kids get thrown in the mix.

That said, I do hope that you find what you're looking for here and that venting to this community helps. Another thing you could consider is seeing a therapist, or an intern (they're cheaper and often more affordable), to start working through some of these issues that you're facing. While it's normal for us to bring baggage from our past relationships into our new relationships, there is a limit and point to which it can become unnecessary and a bit extreme. When you start holding your current SO accountable for what's been done to you by past SOs, that's a sign that there's "stuff" there that needs to be worked on before you can become fully engaged in a stable relationship. Also, if you find that there are similar patterns amongst your SOs, that often indicates something within you that you need to work on recognising/correcting so that you don't continue to attract the same type of partner repeatedly.

Welcome to LFAD.

[boopei]

Thanks! Already been down the therapy route. Was dismissed after 2 sessions because I was told that I didn't need to see one.... apparently I didn't have THAT much baggage haha

[Haley53]

I'm not sure how to interpret your tone, but I so did not mean seeing a therapist as a bad thing! I have spent time in therapy and still occasionally drop in when I feel it's necessary and I have found it extremely helpful in keeping things separate from my relationship in the past. It's the only reason that I suggested it. I'm not sure I agree with the therapist, however. When you're unable to separate your SO from your past SOs to the point of complete distress (maybe I'm misinterpreting that tone as well) over certain situations, then I do think those points of distress need some working through. I didn't mean baggage as a bad thing, necessarily, simply something to take care of! I apologise if it came off wrong. Best of luck!

[boopei]

Oh no worries! I realized you didn't mean it as a bad thing. I whole heartedly believe in therapists as a means to help work through things as well. I didn't agree with her either for the record! hehe

Luckily I am able to separate my current SO from the past ones most days. I tend to fall into distress when stress builds up (work, health, etc), I suppose that's a somewhat human response for sure. Nothing came off wrong at all, so no worries I appreciate your honest opinions. It's great to just hear outside opinions instead of my own meandering internal monologue

[Kiyama]

It sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I can understand your frustration with the distance. I guess everybody on here has such feelings now and then or more often than not. I had a time when I thought I couldn't take it anymore. I felt lonelier than I ever did in my life and I started obessing over it and a lot of other things. I went through a really hard time but ie come to realize that it's important not to dwell on things too much.
Yes it sucks you can't be together but things are as they are. He has his children who come first as Eclaire has alredady pointed out so I don't have anymore to say than she has already. So try and make the best out of it.try and focus on the positives rather than the negatives. Appreciate what the life you have because being frustrated because of the distance all the time will not help you. I fact, it makes things worse. It stresses you out and thus, puts stress on your relationship. I know it's easier said than done but I think ultimately you will profit from it

[Zephii]

Welcome to the forums It's a tough situation to be in, but it will be worth it!

One thing I notice is that you say when he doesn't want to move and disturb his kid, that you feel like you're being punished for his past.... yet, you don't want to move because of your past. So, you're doing the same thing to each other, more or less. I just thought I'd point that out - we can't hold it against our partners if we're doing the same thing

Congrats on how well you're doing with your workouts too! Man I wish I had that discipline >.>

You'll get there. It's still early days for the relationship, you're still learning about each other and how you fit together. Try and keep what you have now full of laughter and fun, and the distance wont have such a keen edge.

[boopei]

Welcome to the forums It's a tough situation to be in, but it will be worth it!

One thing I notice is that you say when he doesn't want to move and disturb his kid, that you feel like you're being punished for his past.... yet, you don't want to move because of your past. So, you're doing the same thing to each other, more or less. I just thought I'd point that out - we can't hold it against our partners if we're doing the same thing

Yeah we realized that too, both of us did.

Turns out he doesn't want to uproot the kids and take them away from their friends again because his ex was the one who moved the kids all over the place (5 schools in 2 years). So we're both guilty of trying to not repeat things from the past. But at least we both realize it, so its just a matter of patience and working together to make things work for the best.

Ever since we met (even through my weird insecurities/trust issues), he's quickly becoming my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and nothing phases him anymore. For all my over-emotional quirks, he's very patient, stable and caring. We balance each other well, and both have the desire to be completely honest and upfront with everything.

We had a LONG chat last night. It's just a matter of time really before things work out. It's probably as hard if not harder on him being apart from me, so I'm not the only one. He hates feeling helpless, and he knows he's got an obligation to the kids first and foremost, but he told me that he NEVER wants me to think that I'm inferior on the priority list to the kids. He wants to think of us as being on an even playing field, but understands that because the kids are with him combined with the distance, that it can feel like I'm the odd one out.

His ex is stirring up more trouble for him and did a lot of things yesterday again, so it just made me realize just how much I have to be grateful for with the situation. Yes its stressful for me but its WAY more stressful for him with the myriad of things his ex is doing. Right now at least we know one thing, we have each other.

He just called me again to say good morning and ask how I was feeling today, and just from having a long conversation with him last night my heart feels lighter.

He's got a camping trip with his oldest on Friday night, but is coming to visit on Saturday after the little ones go with their mother, and he said we'll spend some quality time just the 2 of us.. I'm good with that. I just can't wait to get a hug