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**kteire** · June 14, 2012, 08:35 AM

You're both having issues communicating by the sounds of it. Ignoring him when he's ignoring you is just playing games, and I think you both need to be more upfront about how you're feeling. Like if he's ignoring you, you can just say that you want his attention or skype when he's willing to give it. It's reasonable for you to ask for his undivided attention for a while. I used to get frustrated with my SO for playing halo or poker while we were talking, and it didn't get better until I stopped playing games and said, that's not ok.

As for getting angry at you for lots of little things, I understand what you mean. I've had a lot of people in my family with depression (and have had it myself) and sometimes you're just irrationally angry and don't know why... I don't really know how to help in dealing with that, but is he talking to someone about his depression? I know talking to my social worker helped me learn how to realise when my anger or irritation was the depression speaking, and not me. I'm sorry to hear it though, I know how frustrating it is to deal with all of it.

**BabyDimples** · June 14, 2012, 08:35 AM

I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time at the moment

My boyfriend has depression, and has done since before we even started going out. We've been together for almost eleven months, and been together for almost ten, and I only found out that he had a few months ago! Maybe your SO has depression, but has kept it well hidden from you? That's what happened with us, and then he would start getting like what you have described. I hope that you find out why your SO has been so down lately, and that he starts to cheer up soon! It's difficult, but I'm sure that you two will manage!

Sorry! I missed that first sentance where you said that you both have depression

I've never really been around people with depression before (that I know of), and Thomas has had really bad depression before, and I think that it is/was still really bad lately. So I guess that I've gone from never dealing with it, to having a boyfriend who suffers from it greatly. (I'm not complaining!) I guess I'm just getting a bit used to it now, I get what you mean with short tempered though. I'm still trying to get my head aronud it all, but he does seem to be getting a ltitle bit happier bits at a time lately. Try talking to him and telling him how you are feeling, and ask him how he is feeling? I hope that you can work it out

**Haley53** · June 14, 2012, 09:45 AM

In addition to what the other two have said:

I told him that I'm sorry he had a bad night and that he felt ignored, that I just wanted to help him feel better and hate seeing him in pain, that we can continue our conversation later when he's calm and ready, and that I love him. All he said was "Right. Alright."

What happens after that exchange? When you say it, you need to be willing to mean it, and you need to be able to do it without expecting him to beg you to stay online or without expecting much of a response. After my SO's mother passed away, I struggled with his anger and depression because he did have an issue lashing out at me. I used a similar method that you did here. I detached with love, because as much as I wanted to be there for him, I did not deserve his anger. Once I did that, I went and did something for myself, and he I resumed talking later or the next day, and things were fine, and after a while the method was no longer necessary.

One other thing, too, is that you can't expect him to be fully present if he's having a bad or an off night. You simply can't. Even if you communicate it, when someone is that depressed, you... well, can't. So you need to decide if you can handle sitting on Skype with him, at which point you can talk to him about what he would rather do on bad nights. "I know you aren't very talkative when you're having a bad night, and I can respect that, but I don't want to upset you again by watching TV. However, I don't want to feel upset when I'm the only one looking at the camera, either. Should we not Skype on those nights? Should we Skype and do our own thing? I love Skyping with you, but I'm not sure what to do. What do you think?" Give him some control in the situation. See if you can both work out a compromise. Maybe it turns out you both don't want to Skype on his worse nights, and that's okay, or maybe you both go and do your own thing knowing the other is on webcam. Thing is, if he struggles with depression, he's going to have nights like this, and I think it's important to learn what you can do from them.

Ask him what he would like you to do because you want to be the best support you can be. Don't point out that you tried to make him feel better and couldn't. Don't point out the ways in which you've tried to make him feel better. Simply ask him what he needs you to do when he's having a particularly rocky night because you want to be a better support, and accept the answer and try to put it into practice.

**sewbama** · June 14, 2012, 10:30 AM

Well, you really don't want to blame him, first off. I'm sure he's trying not to be neglectful. So don't think that way. But understand that he's having a hard time. You might want to have a talk with him (not when you are mad or working on anything else) about how you feel abandoned or like he can take out his anger on you sometimes. He may honestly not realize he does it, and bringing it up could help prevent it in the future. But if you do talk to him, don't accuse him of being bad, or talk about how mad you get. Just talk about how his actions can affect you in ways he may not know. Try not to bring up specific examples unless he asks, and then try not to start that fight over. It might also be worth mentioning that you feel he's getting frustrated more easily these days and ask if there is something larger going on, like a big stress he's been dealing with, or if he thinks maybe he needs to get some help to help him get out of this rut.

But yea, if he's upset because he was talking to someone else, so you watched tv, you guys need to set some skype groundrules so these kinds of misunderstandings don't happen. Either you are ok with doing other things on skype or not. It may have been easier if you just ended the call when he started talking to someone else, and he called when he could talk. Just understand what you both want out of your conversations and try to compromise so you get it.

**mofet** · June 14, 2012, 11:54 AM

I'm totally with sewbama about the skype rules. No one likes to be ignored, and it's just not polite to go do something else when you're skyping. if you're going to do something that will take more than a moment, then tell the person on the other line.
I'm also assuming that you went to watch tv because you didn't feel like just waiting for him til he was done.
Have you considered online streaming? So that you can still keep the skype window open and be aware when he logs back on?
I can understand if he's going through a tough time, but there are better ways of dealing with issues than just pulling yourself away from the person you love.
It's also very frustrating that he replies with short words, rather than opening up his feelings.
This isn't your fault, and he's just being immature.
Get a skype date going and address all of these issues before they get worse.

**staystrong12** · June 14, 2012, 01:00 PM

Yeah I get what y'all are saying. And I wasn't ignoring him at all. I knew he was talking to someone else, so I just watched tv (still right in front of the webcam) 'til he replied. I mean I had tried to get his attention a few times, but it seemed like he was ignoring me, so I watched tv from right where I was and waited. He is constantly playing video games and watching netflix when videochatting with me, rather than paying attention to me. So idk I just felt like he wasn't one to talk...especially when my efforts were completely ignored. And I will bring it up with him later, but I'm just scared 'cause he gets so defensive about things...even the smallest confrontation (no matter how innocent) turns into an argument a lot of the time, and I never try to sound like I'm accusing him at all. But that's just how he takes any confrontation. I just feel like I can't win with him...I always end up being the one to apologize even when I'M the one who's hurt...and I have a feeling that's what'll happen here...I'll just end up being the one who has to apologize, again.
Another thing that hurt is that the last thing I said to him last night (other than goodnight) is that I love him...but like I said, his reply to my whole message (well whole 2 messages) was "Right. Alright." It just hurt that he didn't even bother to say it back...he's never done that before

idk maybe I'm looking too far into things, but it just would've been nice to hear it before I went to bed... I personally feel that even when a couple is fighting, if they have to go to bed and continue the talk later, they should still say "I love you." Just to keep things in perspective, you know? Helps me at least, to calm down. Just remind yourself and each other that you still care for each other and still love each other, and you're just in the middle of a disagreement at the moment...that's all.

**staystrong12** · June 14, 2012, 05:03 PM

We finally worked it out...we still don't agree on what happened exactly (who was ignoring whom and so forth), but we agreed that it was all a misunderstanding, 'cause we both interpreted last night differently. But I did find out that after I went to bed, he almost killed himself...I am a complete mess right now. He took a gun and went on a walk, but his best friend talked him out of it...I just wish I had known what was going on, I would've called him...I'm just such a mess right now. His "going for a walk" status on Facebook last night was gonna be his last...it was his goodbye and I didn't know...no one knew. I'm just so glad he's still here and alive and well...I almost lost him, and I just...I'm sorry y'all, I'm just an absolute wreck right now..

**Softy** · June 14, 2012, 05:26 PM

I'm glad to hear it's going a bit better.
Just be there for each other, leave some 'space' when needed.
And keep strong until you can close the distance.

I think a LDR is a hell of a ride, but as my bf says:'I know it will be worth it'

cheer up

**Haley53** · June 14, 2012, 05:39 PM

I am sorry to hear that. What is his relationship with his parents? Is there anyone that you could call, even the police, to inform them of what happened? Is he not interested in seeking help on his own?

**staystrong12** · June 14, 2012, 06:01 PM

He's not really able to get help right now...and his dad has no idea how serious his issues are, but idk if it's my place to tell him...I just hate being in this position...and his mom died last year...which is partly what's causing all this..

**Haley53** · June 14, 2012, 06:06 PM

My SO's mother passed away also. If you need someone to talk about it with, who's been there (who is there), feel free to PM. <3 I know you feel that it's not your place to say anything, but honestly, if it's at the point where he went walking with a gun... It's serious. :/ It goes beyond suicidal depression that he's managing to push through. It was an actual potential attempt that was intercepted, and if he's really at risk to his well being, if he's really at that much risk of committing suicide, then he needs to get help, and he needs help from someone trained to deal with it and handle it. Is there a reason he's not able to get it? If it comes down to his father, then yes, I'd be hesitant about saying anything, but if his father is generally supportive, then I'd consider it. While he's likely to be angry at you, and I'm sorry but that's often part of it, you could very well be saving his life and it's probably the best thing you can do (assuming the father is not abusive/a terrible example of a father figure) from 1800 miles away, at this point. Listening is typically what I suggest is the best medicine, but if he's going out with a gun with the intention of ending it, then that's beyond a point that listening from loved ones can help. He needs help, and if telling his father is a way to get him that help, I would honestly risk it for his sake.

**Katelyn313** · June 14, 2012, 06:34 PM

I agree with Eclaire.... one of my rules as a friend (not even an SO) is that I will keep anything you want in confidence, unless you mean to do harm to yourself or others. Then I will tell. And even if he's mad for a little while, at least he'll be alive, which is the important thing.

My mother had a plan for her own suicide when I was 7 (right after her grandmother died) and she has recieved treatment for her depression and bipolar ever since. She's medicated and goes to therapy and she probably will have to do both of those things for the rest of her life. Some people don't need that much help. But it's important he get it now.

We're all here for you if you need to talk.

**staystrong12** · June 14, 2012, 07:06 PM

Originally posted by Eclaire View Post

My SO's mother passed away also. If you need someone to talk about it with, who's been there (who is there), feel free to PM. <3 I know you feel that it's not your place to say anything, but honestly, if it's at the point where he went walking with a gun... It's serious. :/ It goes beyond suicidal depression that he's managing to push through. It was an actual potential attempt that was intercepted, and if he's really at risk to his well being, if he's really at that much risk of committing suicide, then he needs to get help, and he needs help from someone trained to deal with it and handle it. Is there a reason he's not able to get it? If it comes down to his father, then yes, I'd be hesitant about saying anything, but if his father is generally supportive, then I'd consider it. While he's likely to be angry at you, and I'm sorry but that's often part of it, you could very well be saving his life and it's probably the best thing you can do (assuming the father is not abusive/a terrible example of a father figure) from 1800 miles away, at this point. Listening is typically what I suggest is the best medicine, but if he's going out with a gun with the intention of ending it, then that's beyond a point that listening from loved ones can help. He needs help, and if telling his father is a way to get him that help, I would honestly risk it for his sake.

I know you're right...and his father isn't abusive in any way, he's just in denial...my babe has tried talkin to him many times about his issues and his dad said that he'd get him help, but he never goes through with it...idk maybe if he knew how serious it is now, he'd do something for him...I just don't know how I'd bring somethin like that up, I mean I've only met his dad once :/

**Haley53** · June 14, 2012, 07:15 PM

Originally posted by staystrong12 View Post

I know you're right...and his father isn't abusive in any way, he's just in denial...my babe has tried talkin to him many times about his issues and his dad said that he'd get him help, but he never goes through with it...idk maybe if he knew how serious it is now, he'd do something for him...I just don't know how I'd bring somethin like that up, I mean I've only met his dad once :/

I think what has to be understood is that his father suffered a great loss as well. The loss of someone that important... Well, it can cause a lot of people to end up turning to denial simply because they're so overwhelmed with the storm that's raging on within their own selves. It's likely easier to deny his son's grief, his own, to constantly swallow it further and further back in the hopes that it might somehow become non-existent. I think loss is genuinely the most deeply felt of human emotions, because the flipside of the coin, love (and connection), is also one of the most deeply felt and cherished.

Do you have his father's phone number or e-mail address? You could possibly consider writing a letter. Sum up your anxieties/nerves in a sentence, and then briefly describe the situation? "I don't want this to come across as inappropriate, and I have only met you once, and so this feels awkward, but I'm really worried about -your SO's name here-. The other night, he posted a status on Facebook saying he was going out for a walk, and I only learned today that he took a gun along with him. His best friend talked him out of doing anything, but I am seriously concerned that his depression has reached a point of needing professional help. I'm not trying to make decisions for you, but I'm reaching out to you because it's the best thing for -SO's name here- that I can think to do. I feel powerless from so far away." Something like that, with your own personal touch and taste, could potentially work.

The other thing to consider is that sometimes there are free support groups or interns that offer therapy at cheaper rates, and this is potentially an option your SO could look into until his dad gets on board, assuming that he does.

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