He doesn't take anything seriously

[Jezah]

I know I know, all I do lately is log on and complain it seems, and then I get accused of needing everyone here to 'validate' my relationship...but until I start seeing my new therapist this forum is all I have when I need advice

HBB doesn't take me, or our relationship seriously. I knew when I met him he was a joker, always the one to have a witty retort to everything. Yet...its now an issue. I just had minor surgery on Monday to remove a mass in my belly button, and when I txted him after with "Ow" his response was "Done being sliced and diced? :P". I know I shouldn't be so sensitive, but I was in pain and he just seemed so unconcerned. He even said he wasn't concerned, because even though I was going under general for a hour procedure and was in the big hospital because of bleeding concerns (I am anemic) he just took it so lightly. He said "Heart replacement yea, I would worry...this? Nope". It just bothered me. This is coupled with the fact that his friend and friends girlfriend have twice now attacked me on FB, calling me psycho and nuts among other things and HBB hasn't done anything. Same thing when some kid I friended on FB randomly trolled my status essentially calling me fat and insane...I had to defend myself and so did my friends because HBB just let it go. He made one comment about this kid being the "Most idiotic american he has met" but thats it. I expected more I guess, like a real defense?

The worst part of all this is...its making me act nuts. I mean, I have now broken up with HBB 3 times only to get back together less than 24 hours later. Why? Because in my driving need to have him take something, anything serious I resorted to breaking up to do it. It is a teenager dumb tactic and I know it, but I just got so frustrated and at wits end that I did the only thing I knew would POSSIBLY make him take my concerns seriously. I hate myself, its so immature and stupid...but I do not know what else to do. I love him so much, but how do I make him take things more seriously?

P.S. Also, I finally had to stick up for myself and wrote a scathing message to his friend who attacked me. So now that is awkward since HBB's BFF since grade school now really dislikes me....and his girlfriend flat out hates me.

[Haley53]

Have you discussed it with him? If so, how does he respond? It's possible that this is simply his way of dealing with things. I have met people with such qualities, who sent me funny videos or pictures with the intention of cheering me up when all I needed was someone to listen, and I never really appreciated it. I can take a joke, but I think it needs to be timed, i.e. making a joke coming right out of surgery probably is not the best timing for it. However, whereas I know you've mentioned that you're both stubborn, I feel like this might call for some compromise. Maybe you need to work on taking things less sensitively and he needs to work on taking things less lightly. Perhaps you two can discuss this and find a medium in which you're both happy? Have you ever outlined types of situations where you need x-response from him, as opposed to his usual humour?

[sewbama]

Like Eclaire said, you HAVE to tell him. It might just be his way of coping. You should tell him that sometimes you need something from him other than his normal humor. Tell him his attitude can sometimes make you feel like he doesn't care for you, even though you know that isn't true.

And, as you stated, breaking up with him without the intent of carrying through with it is childish and not the solution to your problem. So quit it. Talk about the real issue. If you need him to be serious, tell him. That's the only way to really solve the problem.

[lucybelle]

I am just awful at comforting people. I never know what to say or how to act, so I usually end up making a joke. It's the only thing I know how to do! I have a feeling that's why he's acting the way he is- he doesn't know what else to do.

After having been through lots of surgeries, I know that no surgery is "minor". Surgery is invasive no matter how common the procedure is. Just let him know you need a little more empathy.

[BlueCat]

My SO is a bit of a joker, not quite to the extent that yours is I don't think, but sometimes I say something that means a lot to me, and he'll come back with a joke. Yes it does bother me, but I know he's not making fun of me and he does respect me and if it's something that I do need to talk about, I just tell him how important it is to me. I don't agree with your breaking up tactic. By this point, after 3 times, it's probably worn off anyway, since he probably figures you'll come back to him within 24 hours like you have done anyway.

[rubydissolution]

I agree with everyone else, just talk to him and tell him it bothers you when he takes a serious situation lightly. Then again, you said yourself it was minor surgery (but surgery is surgery I get that). I probably woulda laughed at the joke, but I have a sick sense of humor. I find sarcasm and bad jokes is totally a coping mechanism like someone mentioned. Instead of facing the situation its easier to make light of it. Depending on the person, making a joke about a terrible situation can lighten the mood as well.

As for facebook, i've said this before....its facebook. Its a social media site where hearts get broken, people get insulted, and all that fun stuff. I had a similar situation happen to me a year ago where my cousin went on the rampage attacking me and my friends jumped to my defense and I flat out ignored it all because I wasn't dragging myself into it. It's like dragging yourself into an already seriously immature situation. Don't let that stuff bother you.

[AABRCL05]

My SO is the exact same way...he jokes about everything and takes nothing seriously. He has finally figured out when he is joking with me when it makes me mad and he will back off. But you have to talk to him about it, if you don't he will continue to take nothing seriously. When you want to have a serious conversation with him, then tell him we need to have a serious talk and hopefully that will help him to focus and not joke around as much. Don't let it bother you because the more it bothers you the more he will catch on and continue to joke with you! So talk to him about it...it will def help

[Shepard-Fowkes]

My SO is kind of similar, not knowing when to make a joke and when to be serious. So, I just tell him, "Babe, I need you to be serious right now." or "This is something that's really hurt my feelings, I don't want jokes right now." He always feels so guilty because that's just his way of cheering me up. Of course, a lot of the time joking around does cheer me up if it's just a little issue or if I'm being a bit too sensitive or if it's a problem that can go away on its own. But sometimes I need him to be serious and I'm not afraid of asking him to be a little more serious. Have you tried doing the same?

[Kiyama]

Mine is like that too. He knows it as people have told him before that they felt he wouldn't take things seriously. But he told me from the start and said that even if it appeared that way, it didn't mean he didn't care. We've had situations in which I felt he didn't take something seriously and I felt offended but I just tell him that I need him to be serious now and he does. This hasn't even happened for a while. We know each other a lot better now and he usually knows when something is up and asks about it. It still happens he gets side tracked and/or makes a joke about something but he comes back to the topic quickly so I let him be.
So what I'm trying to say is, find a compromise. You won't be able to change him but you can meet in the middle. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't care.

[Zephii]

Like everyone said, talk to him.

But, I also think you need to learn to pick your battles better, and choose what kind of things you're just going to shrug off. I mean, honestly, if all you sent after surgery was "ow" how in God's name is that poor boy supposed to know he needs to put his supportive face on? You need to give him something to work with. Next time try "Oww. I'm feeling sorry for myself, love me!" or something. Being clear about what you need will help him respond.

When some random you added (who by the sounds of it you don't really know) on your Facebook attacks you, that's your place to fix that. It's not his place to step in and defend you. There is a report feature and a block feature. It's great having support and seeing our guys get all manly and defensive and such, but on the flip side it's also nice for them to be able to think "She's so strong and independent". It's also possible that he doesn't understand why the comments of some random who means nothing to you would have such an effect; but thought he had made an effort to defend you.
It helps a lot in a relationship if you focus on what they did do for you, rather than what they didn't.

His family and friends though? Yeah, that's worth a talking-to! But don't expect that to change overnight. It's not easy to stand between two people you care about and defuse a situation. It might take a few years for him to not only recognise when someone's insulting you, but to have the guts to step up and defend you. I'm still working on this with Obi, and after 3 years I'm starting to see progress So yeah, patience is key.

I'm wondering why you think he doesn't take the relationship seriously (Granted, I don't read every thread). I'm also wondering if perhaps you might just be taking everything too seriously, and so it appears that he doesn't care. Just some thoughts.
I hope things start improving for you soon.

[Honeypie]

If after surgery all you texted was "OW" ... I'm wondering what kind of a response you were looking for. If you had texted him & told him something like "I'm out, surgery went well but I'm in alot of pain, wish you were here to take care of me & help me feel better" I bet you would have gotten a better response from him.

I guess I don't understand why people add people to facebook that they don't know & are thgen suprised when a stranger says or does something to upset them .... you don't know them so why do you care what they have to say & it sounds to me that your SO did defend you, but you need to stand up for yourself.

The family & friend thing needs to be worked out ... everyone needs to be involved & all the issues need to be heard and sorted out.

The key is to talk .... don't breakup with him & get back togething hours later & expect him to take it seriously. That is not how you get someone {anyone} to listen to you .... you need to be able to voice you concerns & be prepaired to listen to the other side too.

[Malaga]

I agree with everything Honeypie said.

Based on your threads it seems to me like you two have a major communication issue which is why you have to fight whenever things don't go smoothly. Neither of you is ready to open up to what the other person is saying, you both feel like the other person should have more understanding and you both want to prove you're right and the other person is wrong. You don't seem to have a couple bubble, when you're in a good mood you're the best of lovers, when the going gets tough you're enemies. As long as you guys have that kind of attitude issues will not get solved.

The problem is amplified by the fact your SO seems to have a weak personality. My ex was just like that too. He had a real problem with every authority figure in his life and constantly felt hard done by them, but he never stood up to them, attempted to negotiate, attempted to work on his flaws or anything like that. He took it out on our relationship where he felt he was safe to vent out frustration and transfer his pent up anger on me. We were constantly on the rocks, on and off. I was constantly in a state of spasm, and my stomach still clenches when I think of that time.

[Irina_Linn]

as for me,i support your BF.i guess you are really sensitive type and he knows it 100% and with these comments he tries to make you smile.like really,does he have to defend u on FB from some idiot? its not even worth remembering and attention and you managed to make a conflict out of it.relationship is not only adjusting to each other,its also changing to each other.why not tryng be less sensitive for you?make a deal with him: you are less sensitive and hes more serious.guess he'll be happy to see you change a bit

[Carenza LaRue]

this is how I see it:

you can't make him change.... if he jokes around, it's in his genes and he jokes around. period.

but you can change your reactions. and I think that is what you should do.
if you don't like him not defending you, or taking you serious... just wait for a quiet moment when there is no stress and ask him in a polite way why he hasn't defended you or why he makes a joke out of everything.

ask whatever you want or need to know, but do it in a quiet way...

from my experience, most people who make jokes about everything are almost always in one way or another insecure about something. you can start a conversation about this and try to find out if this is the case.
it's hard when your SO doesn't respond in a way you want him to respond.... I know... but you simply cannot change him. accept that and find out for yourself what's most bothering you and what you can do about it yourself.
if you change.... he can only change with you.... if he truly loves you that is....

if he doesn't.... well..... then you know you people aren't meant for each other....

but let's not jump to conclusions here.... first things first...... change yourself.

we are here for you to guide you...

best of luck

[Haley53]

this is how I see it:

you can't make him change.... if he jokes around, it's in his genes and he jokes around. period.

but you can change your reactions. and I think that is what you should do.
if you don't like him not defending you, or taking you serious... just wait for a quiet moment when there is no stress and ask him in a polite way why he hasn't defended you or why he makes a joke out of everything.

ask whatever you want or need to know, but do it in a quiet way...

from my experience, most people who make jokes about everything are almost always in one way or another insecure about something. you can start a conversation about this and try to find out if this is the case.
it's hard when your SO doesn't respond in a way you want him to respond.... I know... but you simply cannot change him. accept that and find out for yourself what's most bothering you and what you can do about it yourself.
if you change.... he can only change with you.... if he truly loves you that is....

if he doesn't.... well..... then you know you people aren't meant for each other....

but let's not jump to conclusions here.... first things first...... change yourself.

we are here for you to guide you...

best of luck

I disagree with this to an extent. If he shouldn't have to change because it's who he is, why should she have to change because it's who she is? While being involved with someone does not mean changing who you are at the core, it does mean growing as a person or at least learning to work together with one another as a couple. Say your SO likes to make weight jokes, for example, and you didn't like them; are you supposed to lighten up and let him make fun of your weight simply because that's who he is and he shouldn't have to change? You shouldn't have to compromise your happiness for them any more than they should have to compromise their happiness for you. As far as I'm understanding it, she's not saying she wants to stop him from joking around; she's saying she doesn't want him joking around at what she feels are inappropriate times and I don't think there's anything wrong with this. Communicating to him when she needs him to be serious for her is expressing a need she's entitled to, and he's not changing himself to put the joking aside long enough to be there for her and support her in the way she needs. Communication and compromise are about learning how to work with one another as a team, not about changing yourself fundamentally. As I said, Jezah could likely benefit from not taking certain things so sensitively, but that doesn't mean that HBB can't learn to be serious and supportive in the way that Jezah needs. Growing together often involves change and compromise from both halves of the relationship. It does not fall on one person's shoulders, and I don't think it's fair to claim her boyfriend is her boyfriend and he shouldn't have to change for her, but she should have to change to fit her boyfriend's style. :/