For those of you who have closed the distance...

[MissVampyxo]

How many times do you personally think a couple should meet/ be together in person BEFORE deciding to close the distance? And when did you and your SO close the distance? (How far along were you in the relationship?)

Me and the SO have met 2 times so far, both him coming to me. I'm going to be visiting him the 20th for the first time. It has brought a lot of doubts and thoughts into my mind. Whenever I think of him and I closing the distance I get scared and think that if something happens.. He's HERE and isn't leaving. If I get sick of him or we get into a fight.. he doesn't have a 'deadline' to when he gets on his plane and goes back home... So I've obviously been told before that we might not be as strong or just comfortable with each other for me to close the distance.

So what do you think? How many visits do you think one should have before deciding to close the distance?
I personally have been feeling just so scared and doubtful that I don't know if I could last anymore in a LDR.
We've been together a year and eight months so far!

[LeilaniJoi]

I feel it depends greatly on the couple. If you have any doubts... don't do it.

We met about 4 times and I moved about 4 months after we met online. We are not typical but in our case it worked.

[lucybelle]

Meeting before moving in with each other? DUH. I guess some people do it other ways, but that is a crazy risk I wouldn't take.

My SO moved in with me after only having visited me (and the USA) one time. We met in his country and then I visited him once. When he moved in, we had only spent about 2 or 3 weeks in person together. I was freaked out of my mind and had a whole bunch of back up plans. I think the fact that I had these back up plans (what if we don't work out? where would he live? would he go back home? how would I get him home? etc) I was a little more calm. It worked out fine in the end, but it's certainly frightening!!!

[Kristin91]

I don't think there's really a "time limit". When the couple feels comfortable and wants to close the distance, that's the right time. Their comfort level might depend on their financial situation, or how well they know their SO, or something else... but if they believe it's the right time then it is. My SO and I are closing the distance this fall! I'm transferring up to his school (for reasons besides him being there) and I couldn't be more excited! Of course I'm worried about how this will change our relationship, but I know that it's a great thing for us and that eventually we want to close the distance and live together, so this can kind of be a test-drive to see if we can still be a great couple close-distance.

[Haley53]

We haven't closed the distance, but we plan on temporarily closing it next year, and while I have to say that our meeting two more times before then, bringing our total to four, will be of comfort, it was something we genuinely considered after the first visit and after what happened with his mother (originally, he had potential work prospects in the U.S. that would have brought him here/closer to me). My honest opinion is that it depends on the couple and it depends on the length of the visits. For me, it might be different if I could only have short visits with my SO as opposed to the longer ones that I get to.

But I also think that there's a difference between doubts and anxieties. There's also a difference in the types of anxieties. If you're worrying about who's going to move, what happens once they're there, what things are going to change, etc. - the things you can't be prepared for - then I would say that that's normal. It's a massive change and for most people, change is at least a little bit terrifying. However, if you're actually doubting whether or not you're ready, if you're concerned that you're ready, if you're looking to define your relationship by a particular timeline, then I would say you're probably not ready. It's also concerning that the worries focus on not having deadlines to go back, especially when it comes to arguing. When you move in together, you are going to argue or at least disagree. You are going to have to figure out how to get along while living together, which is an entirely different dynamic than being together but being long-distance. You can't avoid ever having an argument or disagreement with your SO. You simply can't. You need to learn how to cope with it when it happens.

From the information you've posted here and from a lot of what else you've been recently sharing, it seems like there might be issues that need to be worked out. Closing the distance isn't magically going to solve the doubts that you're having when the doubts don't necessarily all come down to the distance. It may be because this is your first time going to see him, and so your anxiety is through the roof, but it's at the very least worth noting and paying attention to. Depending on what happens before, during, and after this visit, you may come out with a refreshed view of your relationship or you may find out that it's simply not working for you anymore. However, I think before you think about closing the distance, you both need to get through this visit and evaluate where your relationship actually is. Having so many doubts not only about closing the distance but about him/the relationship will honestly make the transition rockier than it needs to be.

[MissButterfly]

We met in his country, started dating shortly after I got back home. He visited me twice, for a total of five weeks. Now I'll be visiting him and his family for the first time, so I'm kind of in the same boat as you are! We're flying back together and closing the distance after my 3 week visit. We're not moving in with each other though, and maybe that's something to look at for you too if you're not too sure about living together yet? Of course I get worried sometimes, about what will change in our relationship if I can see him every day instead of twice a year, but I'm generally okay with the idea now and totally ready. We'll see how it works out. The only thing I have to say is that you have to plan things very well, and talk it through. That way, you'll become more at ease with the idea and you might feel more ready. But if you're generally feeling uncomfortable, I'd say don't do it yet. It would be a shame if things go wrong because of that! Keep in mind that worrying a bit is healthy, but freaking out is not

[limegreen]

It completely depends on the couple. SO and I met online March 1, 2011 and then sent texts/facebook messages/phone calls as friends until November when we finally went for it. She flew to me Feb 15, 2012...stayed for 16 days and then my son and I flew to her for a 3 week visit starting on March 13, 2012 after that I flew back home just to tie up loose ends while my son finished 1st grade.
We just knew we were meant to be together. We just fit. However, with that being said...I never would have moved without visiting here first. I wanted to check out the area, SO's family, the living situation, etc.

If you have any reservations I wouldn't do it. LD sucks, but it's much cheaper trying to figure everything out that way then moving just to realize you hate your SO's area or worse...living with him.

[CandiCandi]

I have known my fiancé for two years. We finally met this February and had a week visit. The second visit was in April. The way I looked at it was in February, it was to make sure the attraction was still there (boy, was it ever) and the second visit was to make sure I liked his area and it was the type of place I'd want to live in. I fell in love instantly with La Crosse. When we got into this relationship, we actually had plans for closing the distance sooner than we have instead of now. Yet, this time, our plans were pushed to earlier, due to both of our families' telling us to get the hell out and hey, we want to be together, any-damn-way. However, that said, every relationship is different and that whole "no deadlines" thing is a bit alarming. It's alarming to me that you are in a relationship where you -want- a deadline. I couldn't hold back tears at the bus station or at home when my fiancé left Texas and the only reason I didn't cry on my way home was because I knew we would close the distance soon and the reason we're doing it, is because we're so sure it will work out. There are other people on here who closed the distance after just a few visits, but I think like I said, it's because it wasn't as rocky as a situation. You need to double check that this is what you want and it seems that even you know that.

[Zephii]

I don't think there's a magic number. I knew my SO online for well over four years before we met in person, so that meet was really more about confirming that everything I thought was true, actually existed, and it did. Our first visit was 7 weeks long and I stayed with him the whole time. During that trip we made our closing the distance plan. (Well, we made a five-year plan, and closing the distance was part of that).

We'd planned to have just one more "visit" before we closed the distance - He would come to my country for two months, and then I'd go home with him.

In the end, we couldn't actually hack the full year of distance before being together again, so I took a 20 day holiday to stay with him again mid-year (09) and instead of working when he got out of college he came straight to Australia and stayed four months rather than two. So, going from our original plan, I think 4 months of solid "in person" time is enough to tell if it's a risk worth taking - after an extensive friendship.

It's important to talk about "wtf are we going to do if our relationship falls apart?". For us, the person who'd moved would simply go home (I'd have borrowed the money from my sister, but at that stage I knew she was keeping a couple of grand aside just in case.) For the first year we kept everything separate, excepting for one joint savings account - money that I was willing to lose if it came down to it - I still saved privately as well and sent money home. Also I had quite a bit of stuff in storage (in my sister's care) so before I left I knew 1) I could be bailed out at any time and only hurt my pride 2) I'd have somewhere to stay and wouldn't have to start from scratch when I got on my feet. 3) All I'd really lose would be time.
It also helped that I had experience living out of home. I haven't lived with my mum since I was 15 so I didn't have any "big scary world" stress. I already knew how to handle myself as an adult. I'd lived with flatmates and I'd lived alone. I could budget, and I knew what going without food was like too. That made it easier.

Have yous had a long period of time in the same house? Like more than a month? I think that's important. No matter how much you love a man, sometimes you just can't live with them.

Honestly, I just can't see a risk in closing the distance, especially if it's in the same country. I mean, if you had NO other way, you could hitch-hike home/to a family member or friend and most likely live. I always ask myself "what's the worst that could happen?" then I think up a plan for what I'd do if I got in that situation and suddenly it's just not scary any more. You know in your heart if you're ready for this or not.

[sarahrosestevey]

We started dating when I lived in the same city, but I got a really good job opportunity so I moved across the country. We have been together 8 months, and see each other once every three weeks to a month.

I am moving back home in a month due to job turning out to be horrible and also family things. So in 18 days we will be together, no more LDR.

As exciting as it is, it's still scary. What if we get sick of each other, fight a lot and things don't work out? These questions have crossed our minds and are ones I am sure many couples closing the distance have. If it doesn't work out it just wasn't meant to be. We have made a promise to not rush things ( I am moving back to my family home so not immediately
Moving with him ), and have said we will ease ourselves into it - as tempting as it will be to spend every waking moment together, we aren't going to. We slowly got used to not seeing each other much, and now we will have to get used to seeing each other often. Easy as that. If something isn't working, we will fix it.

I think you just know when you are ready. Your anxiety is probably heightened due to the fact you are worried about your first trip to see him. Have a discussion with him if this is bothering you too much - you are not alone in this worry and making plans/decisions about your future. You are in a relationship, so it is two people going through the motions together. If you don't feel ready, or anxious for the future, let him know - because chances are he might feel exactly the same

[MissVampyxo]

Both of the times he visited me it was about 2-3 weeks long so technically we've been together a month - but not straight. Me visiting him though, I haven't even bought a ticket home and if i like it, I'll obviously stay a month if not more. I'm not PLANNING on closing the distance since obviously all of my feelings and I know somethings wrong.. but I was just asking what other's opinions are. I feel that I'm honestly not ready to close the distance and also KNOW neither of us are stable enough to do so. I'm just wondering what in the world has made me pretty much bipolar about this relationship! But thanks for the feedback, you always give such good advice!

---------- Post added at 10:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:05 PM ----------

Thanks for the feedback, and yeah I do let him know everything but honestly it just upsets him. He is older than me and he's more 'mature' in a sense. He knows what he wants and wants to be with me forever... which I felt that way too. There's so many things that are adding to my anxiety and these emotions, and honestly I'm just so tired of all of it! I'm just hoping the visit goes fine and I make sense of everything and finally know if it's a yes- this is all worth waiting for and I know I want to be with him. Or a no.

[BlueCat]

Haven't closed the distance, but our next time together will be. My SO and I have had 7 visits for a total of 2 years and 2 months spent together. So possibly more than most couples, but we've been together for more than 6 years. We were both still in Uni, both of us needed to earn money just to visit, so it wasn't really possible or feasible until now. It wouldn't have worked for us closing the distance sooner because we wouldn't have had our own place and I can't live with his family for too long, they stress me out too much.

It really is dependent on the couple and their situation.

[sewbama]

My SO and I are a bit different because our initial distance was so small -- about 60 miles. But with busy schedules and one car between us (and not a lot of money) we got together just on the weekends. I think it was our second visit, maybe a week into the relationship, that we talked about living together. We actually moved in together after six months (and still live together). I would have felt comfortable doing it after our get-to-know-each-other phase, which probably lasted about two months. But then again, we said I love you pretty much right when we met (we'd exchanged emails a few times).

In a previous longer-distance relationship (1000 miles or so), we talked online for a month and a half before our first visit, which was about a week. After that, he moved to where I lived (supposedly for school) about two months later. He never did apply to school. It was basically a terrible relationship, but I don't think closing the distance was the reason. If opportunities align, closing the distance can be great. However, from your posts, it does seem like you need to take some time for yourself and just figure out where you are, who you are, and what you want. If it turns out this guy is in that picture, then shut out all that doubt. It's just nerves, which are normal.

[aeiouna]

We closed the distance about a year and a half into our relationship, and after one visit. However, we're atypical because we were CD for six months before going LD and knew each other for over half our lives before getting together.

[nicole]

We were together CD before I left, and whilst I was there, I was living with him for about 2 months, once CD, I came and had another 1 month visit, he came and stayed with me for 2 2-week trips too, so we knew what it was like living together. I moved in after I got my visa, and we'd been dating 2 years 3 months.

I don't think It's really down to visits, it's more where you are in the relationship. I do highly recommend a longer-ish visit, just so you know what it is like to "live" together. Closing the distance doesn't necessarily mean living together either, if you're not ready to move in together, there may be an option to move nearby, if finances allow it. Again, it's where you are in your relationship, and how far you want to take things at each step.