Unsupportive Parents at a Transitional Age

[inez]

I'll try to be brief, but some background is necessary:

This is my second LDR, and in both relationships I met the guys online. First LDR with "Eric" was unsuccessful when we proved to be incompatible after meeting a couple times, but I think it really prepared me for my current relationship. My parents were mostly uncomfortable about my relationship with Eric, although they did allow us to meet- which I right away did not like very much. It was incredibly awkward for everyone. He stayed for a week, and every minute of it made me a bit squeamish.

When Alex and I got together, I was living in a dorm at school. It was easy for me to fly to meet him without my parents being involved, and we clicked immediately. We were able to visit on weekends or during breaks- his parents were incredibly happy about us and helped the trips. Unfortunately, my family was first introduced to the relationship via a hickey on my neck. They did not (and will not) know about the trips, but assumed he came to my city to visit friends. When he officially met my sister, she immediately approved. He met my mom very briefly, but she gathered he was nice enough.

Living at home for the Summer, I have to ask for permission for him to visit (and meet my dad in the process). 2 months have gone by without a straight-forward answer and constant pestering from me. Finally my dad tells me that he doesn't want to encourage this because he does not think it is a real relationship, and he thinks I should be more focused on my relationships with the people immediately around me and dating people who live locally.

This brings me to my questions:
How do you handle unsupportive people, family in particular?
Is there anything I can do to show my parents meeting people online and having a long distance relationship isn't just some kind of fantasy that can never be fulfilled?

And finally, how do I start to get on my feet and out on my own at 19? I know it may seem unrelated, but the more independent I am from them, the more free I am to make my own choices without them interfering.

[CKJS]

I don't think it's an easy thing for parents to understand. I mean my parents only dated people who went to their school and church. People in the next town were too far for them. So I don't think they quite understand. I don't know about you but the whole just making friends online is very new to my parents lol. But it drives me crazy sometimes! I haven't met my SO (YET!) They always say things like my SO could be in jail and a drug dealer, his "little brother" could be a little person. Sometimes you never know but seeing him on camera and talking to his family on video i'm pretty sure i'm safe haha.

Anyways, at first they HATED him. I hid it, which I would never recommend. My mom found out and she was so angry we got in a huge fight and she started blaming all my problems on the fact that I was with him. So it was really hard for a really long time. My SO said something about talking to my mom and that was an amazing idea. They started talking on facebook, to talking on skype when we were on, and even on the phone. Now if i'm talking to him there isn't ever a time my mom doesn't yell to tell him she said hi lol. So I would very strongly suggest to try to get them to talk in the least on facebook. Maybe tell him a bit about what's good to say and what's bad. With my SO he was very respectful and kind to them. He explained how much he cared about me. He offered to answer any questions and offered to let them get to know him better. It worked really well. He's now talked to my dad on facebook as well and my dad pretty much just wants to put a trailer for him to live in, in the back yard lol. So by him being very sweet and reaching out to them to talk helped a lot. My mom is still excepting things to fail when we meet in september. But like I said it's new to them so the fact that she's being as nice as she is is pretty awesome!

As for getting on your own feet. I'm 19 as well and working on that lol. I'm looking in to trade schools and once I get money saved for a car it will be a lot easier.

Good luck<3

[temporaryuser]

Unfortunately, at 19, and living under your parents roof, they have every right to not want some strange guy staying there. But, being in college, most people you meet are not going to necessarily be from where you live. Your best bet is to be as mature as possible about the whole situation. Try to get him to talk to them on the phone or webcam. Parents are always going to be overprotective. So its up to the two of you to show that your not just kids having some fling.

[Haley53]

How do you handle unsupportive people, family in particular?
I'll admit, I have never had a completely unsupportive family. My grandfather (he's currently unaware of my SO, however), maybe, but my mother? Even if she doesn't like the idea of a LDR, and even if she had an experience with her own LDR that made it hard for her to trust mine initially, she tried to be open-minded, and she was willing to meet and talk to my SO and treat him with the same respect as if I'd met and been dating him here. However, I honestly feel what opened her up to him was being able to talk with him. We had a couple times where he and I were on Skype and she'd come in and give us brain teasers or simply interact with the both of us in a way that I was there as a buffer, but she could also meet, see, and talk to my SO, even from afar. I think it helped make him a little more real to her and made her feel more involved. It also helped her feel more comfortable when she finally met him in person. I think it also soothed her mother bear moments, having spoken with him, because she saw him on cam and interacted with him in a way that made him "real."

As for how he and I deal with unsupportive people, well, we've honestly found that by changing our reactions, we can change the types of responses we receive. We treat the relationship as though it's normal, no different than a CDR, and so we get treated like we have a normal relationship. Unsupportive people are generally shrugged off with "Well, we make it work, and that's the important thing." There's not really much anyone can say to that, because you've separated them from your situation. If you argue, you give them something to debate. If you feed in to their backhanded comments or jabs, you also give them something to debate. By separating your situation from theirs, and choosing not to respond to any jeering comments, you take away any power they might have over insulting your situation.
Is there anything I can do to show my parents meeting people online and having a long distance relationship isn't just some kind of fantasy that can never be fulfilled?
Honestly, talk to them about it. Be respectful of their opinions. Let them express theirs. Understand where they're coming from and tell them that you do, but that that's not the way your plan happened to work out. Explain your side of the situation and why you feel it's worth it, and if you have receptive parents, then tell them that you respect their opinions but you'd appreciate it if they'd respect yours. Let them know that you know this could all turn out to be one big mistake, but you're sure they had to learn from their own mistakes sometimes too, and that this is simply a decision you're making with the knowledge of what could happen but it's worth it to you. Demonstrate that you're not handling this like some naive teenager but that you're aware of the consequences and making this decision anyway. Usually demonstrating mature, conscious knowledge, as opposed to lashing out or fighting back or keeping secrets, can help make an impact on the way parents see things, especially if your first LDR didn't turn out so well.
How do I start to get on my feet and out on my own at 19?
First question, are you working?

[kittyo9]

I think the most helpful thing I can do is tell you about my experiences.

I was in an LDR when I was in 10th grade and I didn't tell my parents about him for a year. My parents (mostly my mom-- I lived with my mom and stepfather, my father was deceased by then) were really against us meeting if it meant he had to stay with us, as opposed to at a hotel (which he couldn't afford), or if I had to go to him. My boyfriend's parents at the time were totally okay with us meeting in whatever way, but my mom simply wouldn't budge. We ended up breaking up after a year and 7 months because we were arguing a lot and we felt like we were never going to see each other.

Then I went away to college and was staying in a dorm for most of the year, and I had one long-distance relationship that didn't pan out because he was really awful to me and walked all over me. For the summers after my freshman and sophomore years, I would come back home and work as a camp counselor, and I'd use that money during the school year to pay for books and food. Through a lot of scholarships and some money my parents had set aside for college when I was younger, we were able to pay for college without any loans. Then, in the summer after my junior year, I received a stipend to do research for the summer, so I stayed up at school and only came home to visit. My mom also decided that instead of her driving me back and forth from school that I should just take our oldest car, so I pay for gas and any work the car needs (such as oil changes) while she still covers insurance and other car-affiliated fees. This summer, I moved into an apartment, and I'm pursuing my masters degree through the "fifth year free" program here, which basically means I don't pay any tuition but I still go to school and do research. My parents, since they usually covered my room and board costs when I was living in the dorms, are giving me an agreed-upon amount each month ($500) to cover rent and some food, and I'm paying for utilities on my own. This is my "transition" step, really, and I would have made it last year had I not been awarded housing as part of my summer stipend. Once I'm out of school and I have an actual job that covers my expenses, I will be on my own.

I met my current boyfriend at the start of my junior year of college. I didn't tell my parents about him for a while, then casually let it slip into conversation. My mom was, again, quite resistant to us meeting up, and insisted that it had to be him making the trip first. Well, we tried, and we tried some more, but we just couldn't make it happen, so the only option left was for me to go there, which my mom was NOT happy about, because it meant I would be travelling to a developing country by myself. I ended up just booking a ticket anyway when I found a really cheap one after months of going back and forth about it-- disappoint my mom or finally meet my lover?-- and kind of dove right into it. My mom is really worried about the trip, but I've tried to make her more comfortable by having her interact more with my boyfriend (sending her letters, communicating a little on facebook), and she seems to have taken steps in the right direction to accept our situation. I know it's really hard for her to let go, but I'm not 16 any more. I'm an adult, I have my own place, and I worked for my money and I have every right to spend it and go where I want. I'm doing everything I can to make sure all her concerns are addressed and that she knows I've thought this through.

Sorry I don't have more "advice," per se... just experience!