Should I stay in this relationship?

[alymar9890]

I dated my boyfriend for 5 years and he proposed January this year. We are engaged because I of course said yes at the time because we were both very happy. Then a month later out of no where he tells me he is moving to New Hampshire (5 hours away) to live with his half brother and go to school to start a new program, which is at least 4 years. He didn't discuss this with me, we never talked about it because he does not like to express his feelings. I begged him not to move away and to stay here with me but he didn't want to hear it. His mind was made up without even asking me what I thought or what I wanted. Am I crazy for feeling like I was just shoved aside? We didn't compromise this at all he just left. He says that I can either move to New Hampshire which is completely not a possibility right now because I'm 21 years old, I can be okay with a long distance relationship for that long or I can leave. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. He apologized for not including me in the decision but he says we can "grow" from them and have a long distance relationship.

We have been in a long distance relationship before for 6 months and it was the worst 6 months ever I swore I'd never do it again and he knew that. Before he left I said to him that I do not believe in long distance, I do not want long distance and I didn't want him to go but that didn't matter. Currently we have been almost 5 months now in long distance again and it's going terrible. He always spends time with his half brother, he never makes time for me, we always argue. He tells his brother things before he tells me, he does whatever he wants whenever he wants. His mom and half brother (his parents are divorced) do not like me so they have completely supported his move. His half brother says things about me how I don't support him, how I'm dragging him down, how it's better for him to live in New Hampshire to get his degree and many other things.

I don't know whether or not I should stay in this relationship or call it quits. I am very unhappy and he is very happy, I just don't see how this is fair to me when we are supposed to be a team-since we are engaged, right?

[Rugger]

Not everyone can do the long-distance thing. No one here won't tell you how much it sucks to be away from your SO. You aren't a bad person for not being able to do it. I don't judge anyone for it because sometimes I wonder how long I can keep it up for.

Only you can decide whether distance is a deal breaker. You are the one that'll live with it. That being said, Why does 21 mean you can't move? You are legally an adult, you can do anything you want.

Although I don't think he went about it the right way, I think your boyfriend has every right to want to move. It's his life. Yes, he should have discussed it with you, because you are engaged, but that doesn't mean that he still wouldn't have gone. You don't get to decide every step of his life just because you are a couple. My boyfriend has mentioned moving severla times and He discusses it with me, but ultimately it's his choice, not mine. If he really wants to move, there is nothing you can do that is going to stop him. I'm sorry.

You are the only one who can decide. If you don't like it, break up with him.

[Haley53]

Surprisingly, this is one of the times I actually agree with the OPer in this situation. It would be one thing if you were dating, getting your lives together, with no intention of marriage, but it's something entirely different when you're engaged and starting to plan and build your lives around one another.

While I can understand that he may have taken this opportunity based on what was best for him, you don't simply propose only to up and move a month later, without even discussing the issue with your fiance. I have to wonder, though, did he find out about his acceptance into the program before or after the enagement? If before, I'm wondering if he proposed strategically? I'm speculating, but I'd almost wonder if he didn't propose with the intention of showing you that he's serious even though he's taken this opportunity for his program, simply because of your feelings about LDRs. Maybe he feels you'd be more willing to move to be with him or pursue a LDR with a ring on your finger? If he found out about after, I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't have discussed it with you, though it's possible he didn't want to face the idea that the LDR would be over. His comments on it sound rather warily guarded as well. "Take it, deal with it, or leave it" seems to be a pretty guarded and defensive response.

I'm not sure what to say on this one. On the one hand, I want to ask why, other than the fact you're 21, wouldn't you consider moving? Is it because you have school? Work? Ties there? Or is it simply because you're scared? Fear is normal, for anyone of any age, simply page through LFAD and you'll see people of all ages freaking out about moving to be with their SOs. It's a massive step, especially since it involves leaving something you know so well behind. However, if it's because you have things tying you to where you are, school or work or even family, then I would honestly consider broaching the issue with him again. You have to do so with the realisation that he's not willing to compromise by not moving to New Hampshire, but maybe there's another compromise you can both figure out by laying out all your options, the black and white ones and everything in between. I'm aware he's not been open to discussing it, however, I'm curious as to how you've brought it up? You mention begging, which implies upset, so it's possible you came at him with a harsh enough start up that he panicked and shut down. Have you tried approaching him since? How have you approached him about it?

[pretty ll vacant]

It is really all up to you .. but I see it as if you really love someone, you'll support them in whatever they choose to do. From an experience I had with an ex, I missed out on A LOT of opportunities because he didn't want me to leave, or because he thought i'd be too far ..etc, etc. He was stifling my abilities and ruining our relationship at the same time. Needless to say, it didn't work out because of how selfish he was. Recently, I got an opportunity to live in Italy for awhile and when I told my current SO he was excited for me and telling me I better take the opportunity and that he would DEFINITELY come and see me for sure. Totally the opposite of my ex. Anyway, what I'm getting at is you have to look at it from his point of view .. ultimately he is doing this so you guys can have a happier future, obviously going to school will increase his chances of giving the two of you a better life. I think you should totally change your approach to all this and support him. Yeah it sucks being away from the one you love, but that's the thing .. if you really love the person you'll wait a frickin' lifetime just to be with them again. From an outsiders point of view, it seems like things have gone bad between the two of you because you don't agree with his move .. thus giving the half brother and the stepmom more fuel to add to their fire because it only proves them right and makes you look bad. Man, prove everybody wrong. You love him, support him .. I bet he would have done the same for you.

[alymar9890]

thanks everyone, its very hard. but your advice SINCERELY helps! and i am the oldest of 4 siblings, my youngest brother is 8 years old so it's really hard to leave all my family behind to go to a state where I have no family except my fiancee. Also I can't afford to move out of my parent's house and am also attending school in the Fall here so it's not just because of my age. I was just stating my age so that people wouldn't think I was 30 and not wanting to move out. My family and I are extremely close. Also I have tried many times approaching him and nothing ever gets solved because we never come up with an equal solution to our situation. He always says he's not having the same conversation over and over because we constantly argue about it. Also he applied to school after we got engaged and that's when his life completely changed without including me at all. but thank you for all your advice it really helps

[Haley53]

Hm, I see, but would it be possible, without getting too personal, to give me an honest sample of the types of conversation you have? Even if you PM it to me? The reason I ask is because it's a touchy issue, so communication errors are not unreasonable to consider as being the root of the arguments. If you're arguing about it over and over, then there's a blip in communication, and typically those outside of a situation can help you word something better sometimes, simply because we might see where something can be taken wrong where you or he might not, because you're directly involved in it.