How do you guys stay strong during a break?

[Haley53]

While sometimes things can be classed as emotional abuse, I think sometimes certain circumstances lead to there being exceptions. Have you ever been in a pissy mood and snapped? Well, you have, with your SO. You say you were in a stressful place and couldn't handle the overwhelming stress and said some things to your SO that you didn't entirely mean; some things precluded a break-up even if you didn't mean to suggest that a break-up was on your mind. Those things aren't healthy to be said. They aren't fair. But you said them because you're human, because you felt overwhelmed and reacted.

I'm guessing that your mother is still alive. I'm guessing the people in your family saying these things have not lost their mothers. Until you lose a mother, I'm not sure you quite know what it is to completely and entirely lose yourself as well. You don't have to be close to her to feel the devestating effect. Until you lose your mother, I don't think you know what it's like to go through a crisis that rattles you straight through to the bone and that shakes you into becoming a different person entirely because you lose your sole identity. I think one of the other posters on your threads put the experience of losing a mother perfectly. No, your SO has not lost her, but cancer is so terrifying that he's not going to be "himself" for a while.

The other thing, too, is that I know you said this workaholism happened before you went LD and before he lost anyone or experienced any additional stressors, well, if his defensiveness etc. started before then too, then maybe your family is right and you shouldn't be in this relationship. I think "emotional abuse" is an incredibly harsh term and is being thrown around by biased people way too lightly, especially with what's going on now, but you talk as if you've never been happy except when you were close distance and even then, you say these things were going on? Quite frankly, I'm going to suggest the same thing as your family. You will get over it, you will find someone else, and you're making yourself miserable simply by waiting. No one here is going to sit and say you're 100% right and no one here is going to sit and say your SO is 100% right. You both have things you could have done differently. The problem is that he's not in the position right now to hear that or to make those changes. He's not in the position to be a boyfriend to you, as much as it hurts, and you can either accept it and wait or move on.

Have you considered keeping a journal? Or utilising the blog feature?

[Jessipoo]

Oh ya. My journal has been filling up a LOT lately.

Well his job wasn't as demanding before, we always found time for each other. To destress we'd hang out but now to destress he does other things, that do not involve me. He wasn't quite that defensive but I know when stress did pile on a bit he would get a bit short and we'd fight more, but when I get stressed out a bit too I get sensitive and it happens. Obviously it's a lot easier to resolve in person.

Honestly I didn't want him to go but I didn't want to be the girl that pulled him back, plus his company here wasn't doing well and is slowly going bankrupt and our talks and plans reassured me (but that all changed instantly).

And yes, thank you for reminding me about the difficulties he's under, I guess it's just hard to see his DJ persona writing and diddling around like nothing is wrong and that he will focus on music instead of his relationship.. I know if I see a song uploaded, which takes time to work on, that I will flip out because that means that he really does not care about me anymore... and not even extend the courtesy of letting me know our relationship status. Or am I wrong to jump to this conclusion considering everything?

[Haley53]

I think you're wrong to be honest. And you wanna know why? Because I think he's focused on himself. Maybe he is working on music, but music is something... I'll use myself, as an example. I love kickboxing. I find it cathartic. It's non-stop cardio for 45 minutes and then we get 30 minutes punching the bags and adding cardio into that. It's exhausting, and you can hit/kick the bags as hard as you like, you can sweat as much as you like, and it's encouraged, not frowned upon. When I'm stressed as all get out, yes, I talk to my SO, but instead of playing a game with him or turning on Skype, my choice is to go beat up on some bags. When I don't have kickboxing available, I go out for a walk or a run. I don't do it because I want to omggetaway from my SO. I don't do it because I don't care about him in that moment or because I care about exercise more. I do it because it's what's good for me. I do it because I find it cathartic. Or you, you keep a journal. You may not share it word for word with your SO, and sometimes you might need to take a break from the conversation to write in it. You may write in it after. This doesn't mean that you don't care about him. This doesn't mean that you two can't resolve conflict. This doesn't mean that your journal > your boyfriend. You do it because it's your private time that allows you to unwind after a difficult day/moment, same as kickboxing helps me destress. That might be what music is to your SO. It might be something he turns to when he needs his own quiet, private time to relax and unwind. We all need that downtime. We can't always turn to our SOs 100% for everything. Maybe music is simply his thing, his journal, and you need to respect that.

I know I say this a lot, but I honestly think you're taking this situation way too personally. I'm not sure if it's because you're listening to your family or if it's your own anxiety and insecurity (trust me, I had it too), but you have to realise, this isn't about you. Right now, you don't even really factor into the equation. You aren't part of his headspace enough to not care about. He simply cannot be the boyfriend that you need him to be or that he wants to be. He cannot devote that time and energy to you and your relationship because he's focused on healing. It's not about how much he cares about you or whether or not he still loves you or even if he still wants to be in a relationship. It's not about you, period. It's about him and what he needs, because his life is crumbling, work is a source of stress so even his workaholism isn't helping (other than maybe offering a distraction), and he needs to think about what he needs to heal. Simple as. Sometimes people cannot be actively involved in a relationship and still do the healing work they need to do. Your SO might be one of them. The thing is that you're looking at this like all of it has to do with you, and you need to start getting to a place where you realise that, well, it really doesn't have anything to do with you at all, yanno?

[Jessipoo]

well I partially feel it is about me because of the fight, the cut communication just after the fight. If it happened out of nowhere I guess I'd feel more relieved but in the fight I mentioned how I was contemplating breaking up a lot more recently and if our situation didn't improve that I don't think I could go on but I still loved him etc. In the phone call after those texts, we did say we still loved each other, but angrily. In my apology email and texts after all that, I made it clear that I am not giving up and I do love him and I'm sorry and would continue to be positive.

But I've said things like that in the last few months (only LDR) out of impulsiveness so I feel he's fed up, despite him saying that he still does love me.. THAT's why I am taking it personally.

Thanks Eclaire, you have really good insight and valuable advice, I wish I had your strength right now, I really do appreciate it greatly. I think I will be re-reading them to help me get through this, every minute feels like a day. Every day feels like a week.

Eclaire, don't know if this makes a difference or not but when he used to work on music CD and I wasn't at his place, we'd msn or Skype. Considering we're not on speaking terms now, I'm not sure how I should take that.

[MadMolly]

I really think this is his way of ending the relationship. To not contact you in so long isn't something your partner should be doing. It's a really rough way to end it but I think that's what he's trying to do here. As heart wrenching it is, I think it's time you focus on yourself right now and start thinking about moving on. This guy isn't in a position to be in a relationship with anyone by the sounds of it, let alone a long distance one.