We were CD for 7 months, everything was perfect. We decided together that he take this amazing opportunity across the continent in the USA. I encouraged him. LDR for 3 months, everything is down the drain...
He jumped into the job, after about 3 weeks it got really crazy, high production.
No adjustment period, followed by more problems, visited family before job and told me would get better once he was in Seattle, but only got worse.
At beginning we fought a lot about that and meeting half way was different for the both of us and we had a lot of misunderstandings like he'd say "text you throughout the night" which meant like 1 text in a few hours (unlike what we used to do, and if I didn't answer him in 15 minutes when I was with friends he'd often do the "... hello?" bit to me or he'd say he'd respond to my texts and then something would come up and I'd get one reason after another, mostly valid but still frustrating because I know it's not impossible to talk (email..).
Then it became I work with awesome people, love my job and less and less we are awesome, I love you. Maybe I took it too personally but his actions showed I wasn't his top priority and I did bring it up with him.
When he works, he focuses on one thing at a time, puts ALL his energy into finishing that, but that means pushing me aside (never really felt it in CD because I'd still be physically with him and have dinner with him and have weekends to us so I'd keep busy and was fine). Maybe his intention is to deal with work so that we can have our time afterwards (it'd be nice to communicate that even if he feels he doesn't have to), but I feel a balance should be made. Never seen this side to him. Stress would elevate, things at work became “red alert” and broken and deadline pushed = longer weeks. He didn't reassure me things would be better maybe because... they wouldn't.
This would affect us and him, so I pushed, he pushed back. There was some effort but it was never consistent and not what we had discussed prior to the move (Skype everyday, monthly visits and "I'm only a phone call away" - I got over it eventually but not calling me or picking up was hurtful). Our worse case scenario was too optimistic given how things played out. He said we'd do it for a year but his job isn't a contract job and eventually his words changed to he'll try after a year to transfer... so it made me more anxious to fix the now sooner rather than later).
He never mentally prepared me for this side of his job and I never thought I'd be pushed aside to this degree (maybe if it was CD it'd be different, the one time he stayed late when we were CD he asked me to come out so we could at least have dinner together). He mentioned in the past he'd live at work for weeks 7/7 days but I figured if we were together and we loved each other the way we do, that he'd make the time to at least call for 5 minutes or say goodnight. Work would not get in the way because we wouldn't LET it.
Work all week until 12-2am then weekend conferences. My patience lessened, my frustration grew, I went from speaking calmly to being more and more aggressive because nothing would change, only worsen plus he'd respond more to my aggressivity rather than me bringing up a topic or problem calmly, mostly the same conversations because nothing would change on his end so ya it was annoying for both of us. Even if we're not in control of a situation, we're in control of our emotion and we handle things. We both didn't do well in that department. Towards the end, I'd say it was more my fault than his but it took 2 to get to that point. I'm not the one that made those promises and then broke them.
Talking, new expectations and lower standards to meet halfway would always be broken and inconsistent. He eventually said I was becoming the least understanding person he knew but as soon as he'd have time he'd dedicate it to something else instead of us, something that could be postponed but I guess for him it was immediate - fine, I eventually got over that.
Our conversation quantity and quality would lessen. Most of his conversation was negative, and he'd only really respond if I asked how his day was or how work was and selectively ignored the rest (with time). He stopped asking or caring how my day was, which was hurtful and I did bring it up via text since that was our only means of communication (ignoring my calls at some point, because of work) and it was read but disregarded. He said he wasn't ignoring me or rejecting me, read what I wrote, but yet he wouldn't respond (this mostly happened recently).
It's like his job is a dungeon, I understand being professional but telling your coworkers give me a second to make a call, especially when you are there day and night isn't a crime.
At the beginning he would call and stuff because I’d have mature talks about making time and then he would respond. But it was never kept up so as time went on, I would get more and more upset at every missed opportunity, especially since a few of those times, he would go out with coworkers but I wouldn't get a nice message or email from him to make up for it, not even a semblance of feeling bad about it.
The city is full of workaholics (Washington state), horrible company culture which he disagrees, perhaps he is “brainwashed”? It's one thing that many people on glassdoor.com mention that they are underemployed, overworked with no work-life balance, it's another as an individual, make it work. He told me most people there write because they are jaded, but the more I read the reviews, the more I realize it's not the case. People there are smart and mature and their reviews are accurate, they have good pros and valid cons. I understand there is an adjustment period, but communicating the feelings that you will find a way is important, and then following it up with action.
He thanked me once for making time for him (before he moved, we were CD) because I was doing school full time with a job and would manage to have weekends for us. But at other times he was slightly condescending saying that I'd never had a full time job so I didn't know how it was and maybe now I'd appreciate how hard he worked (and I never said otherwise, I was always encouraging and proud of him stroking his ego at times, this was even before he was in this job).
Dealing with the new job, the stresses and the unpredictable family illness’ and friend’s death is hard enough CD. But LDR and moving into a new country (with all its accompanying documents and headaches) only worsens things and takes away from patience and time from both parties. Of course, this happened towards the "end" (I say the end because we had a fight, talked for 2 days and then he just disappeared for the last 2 weeks).
Had I been more patient, more understanding, compromised my needs more, maybe we wouldn't be here. But I don't see how it's fair for one person to compromise like this. He said I took out my stress on him at times but I never let it affect the relationship to this degree and most certainly never ignored him. It felt one way and like I was the only one wanting to find a solution. Perhaps not in the first month but most definitely after that. I'd offer a new solution and try to set up a routine and he'd say ya good idea, I may not be able to pick up though sometimes work trumps all, and after a few tries I realized he wasn't even trying to pick up, not asking me to call back either.
He'd ask me for things here and there (like a video I'd send him to cheer him up) and I'd just ask for 5 minutes on the phone and he'd never give it to me or respond to me asking it saying that's all I needed from him to keep going so I can stay positive for him.
So it went from absolutely the most perfect relationship with him talking to me about moving in and marriage to this (and neither of us are impulsive when it comes to our hearts and important matters like this).
How do you guys deal? Is it fair for one person to constantly compromise in order to be "understanding"?
He jumped into the job, after about 3 weeks it got really crazy, high production.
No adjustment period, followed by more problems, visited family before job and told me would get better once he was in Seattle, but only got worse.
At beginning we fought a lot about that and meeting half way was different for the both of us and we had a lot of misunderstandings like he'd say "text you throughout the night" which meant like 1 text in a few hours (unlike what we used to do, and if I didn't answer him in 15 minutes when I was with friends he'd often do the "... hello?" bit to me or he'd say he'd respond to my texts and then something would come up and I'd get one reason after another, mostly valid but still frustrating because I know it's not impossible to talk (email..).
Then it became I work with awesome people, love my job and less and less we are awesome, I love you. Maybe I took it too personally but his actions showed I wasn't his top priority and I did bring it up with him.
When he works, he focuses on one thing at a time, puts ALL his energy into finishing that, but that means pushing me aside (never really felt it in CD because I'd still be physically with him and have dinner with him and have weekends to us so I'd keep busy and was fine). Maybe his intention is to deal with work so that we can have our time afterwards (it'd be nice to communicate that even if he feels he doesn't have to), but I feel a balance should be made. Never seen this side to him. Stress would elevate, things at work became “red alert” and broken and deadline pushed = longer weeks. He didn't reassure me things would be better maybe because... they wouldn't.
This would affect us and him, so I pushed, he pushed back. There was some effort but it was never consistent and not what we had discussed prior to the move (Skype everyday, monthly visits and "I'm only a phone call away" - I got over it eventually but not calling me or picking up was hurtful). Our worse case scenario was too optimistic given how things played out. He said we'd do it for a year but his job isn't a contract job and eventually his words changed to he'll try after a year to transfer... so it made me more anxious to fix the now sooner rather than later).
He never mentally prepared me for this side of his job and I never thought I'd be pushed aside to this degree (maybe if it was CD it'd be different, the one time he stayed late when we were CD he asked me to come out so we could at least have dinner together). He mentioned in the past he'd live at work for weeks 7/7 days but I figured if we were together and we loved each other the way we do, that he'd make the time to at least call for 5 minutes or say goodnight. Work would not get in the way because we wouldn't LET it.
Work all week until 12-2am then weekend conferences. My patience lessened, my frustration grew, I went from speaking calmly to being more and more aggressive because nothing would change, only worsen plus he'd respond more to my aggressivity rather than me bringing up a topic or problem calmly, mostly the same conversations because nothing would change on his end so ya it was annoying for both of us. Even if we're not in control of a situation, we're in control of our emotion and we handle things. We both didn't do well in that department. Towards the end, I'd say it was more my fault than his but it took 2 to get to that point. I'm not the one that made those promises and then broke them.
Talking, new expectations and lower standards to meet halfway would always be broken and inconsistent. He eventually said I was becoming the least understanding person he knew but as soon as he'd have time he'd dedicate it to something else instead of us, something that could be postponed but I guess for him it was immediate - fine, I eventually got over that.
Our conversation quantity and quality would lessen. Most of his conversation was negative, and he'd only really respond if I asked how his day was or how work was and selectively ignored the rest (with time). He stopped asking or caring how my day was, which was hurtful and I did bring it up via text since that was our only means of communication (ignoring my calls at some point, because of work) and it was read but disregarded. He said he wasn't ignoring me or rejecting me, read what I wrote, but yet he wouldn't respond (this mostly happened recently).
It's like his job is a dungeon, I understand being professional but telling your coworkers give me a second to make a call, especially when you are there day and night isn't a crime.
At the beginning he would call and stuff because I’d have mature talks about making time and then he would respond. But it was never kept up so as time went on, I would get more and more upset at every missed opportunity, especially since a few of those times, he would go out with coworkers but I wouldn't get a nice message or email from him to make up for it, not even a semblance of feeling bad about it.
The city is full of workaholics (Washington state), horrible company culture which he disagrees, perhaps he is “brainwashed”? It's one thing that many people on glassdoor.com mention that they are underemployed, overworked with no work-life balance, it's another as an individual, make it work. He told me most people there write because they are jaded, but the more I read the reviews, the more I realize it's not the case. People there are smart and mature and their reviews are accurate, they have good pros and valid cons. I understand there is an adjustment period, but communicating the feelings that you will find a way is important, and then following it up with action.
He thanked me once for making time for him (before he moved, we were CD) because I was doing school full time with a job and would manage to have weekends for us. But at other times he was slightly condescending saying that I'd never had a full time job so I didn't know how it was and maybe now I'd appreciate how hard he worked (and I never said otherwise, I was always encouraging and proud of him stroking his ego at times, this was even before he was in this job).
Dealing with the new job, the stresses and the unpredictable family illness’ and friend’s death is hard enough CD. But LDR and moving into a new country (with all its accompanying documents and headaches) only worsens things and takes away from patience and time from both parties. Of course, this happened towards the "end" (I say the end because we had a fight, talked for 2 days and then he just disappeared for the last 2 weeks).
Had I been more patient, more understanding, compromised my needs more, maybe we wouldn't be here. But I don't see how it's fair for one person to compromise like this. He said I took out my stress on him at times but I never let it affect the relationship to this degree and most certainly never ignored him. It felt one way and like I was the only one wanting to find a solution. Perhaps not in the first month but most definitely after that. I'd offer a new solution and try to set up a routine and he'd say ya good idea, I may not be able to pick up though sometimes work trumps all, and after a few tries I realized he wasn't even trying to pick up, not asking me to call back either.
He'd ask me for things here and there (like a video I'd send him to cheer him up) and I'd just ask for 5 minutes on the phone and he'd never give it to me or respond to me asking it saying that's all I needed from him to keep going so I can stay positive for him.
So it went from absolutely the most perfect relationship with him talking to me about moving in and marriage to this (and neither of us are impulsive when it comes to our hearts and important matters like this).
How do you guys deal? Is it fair for one person to constantly compromise in order to be "understanding"?
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