Depression, PTSD, ECT...I may forget him.

[Jezah]

So, as some of you may know from rummaging through my year or so of posting here...I have depression caused by PTSD. What I am sure most of you don't know is how bad it is.

I have what is termed, loosely (since it doesn't have a DSM listing as it is rare) multi-episodic PTSD. Essentially, I wasn't seriously traumatized once or even twice...but around 3 times give or take one. This started when I was seven, my neighbor was stabbed 17 times as I watched and the stabber escaped. He was hiding somewhere in our neighborhood for 2 weeks, and in those two weeks I cried myself to sleep sure he would sneak in and murder me and my family. This continued past the 2 weeks since my parents never told me he was caught, thinking wrongly that I was a child and it was better to just let me forget. I never ever did, even at 25 I cannot sleep with the lights off unless HBB is next to me. Quite a few other horrible things happened, numbering in the double digits but only 2 others made the PTSD guideline of "Felt life was in imminent danger". I won't get into them since they are deeply personal and hard to speak about.

That said, my PTSD has caused me to have dysthymia (essentially depression that never ever goes away) and has made my life hell. I am 25 and can honestly say I have never been normal, had normal friendships or even relationships. I have never been more then one more traumatizing event away from suicide my ENTIRE life. Essentially I go through life like someone who doesn't get the joke. Everyone else is happy, has friends, sleeps 8 hours not 12, leaves the house for more than shopping and work and just in general seems to be in on something I do not, and cannot 'get'. It is no life for anyone, it is miserable, so it sometimes makes me cling to the small things in life that make me deliriously happy. HBB is that for me, just talking to him everyday makes my miserable life bareable, even sometimes blissful. So yes when we fight I have the normal human female response of "Hrmph! I deserve better than how he treats me!" and I want to/act like I am going to leave...and then I remember that without him I have nothing but days and day of monotonous misery with no happiness to break it up. So I stay with him, I hold on because he is the only thing that makes me happy.

This leads to the end topic. I am going to be having ECT A.K.A Electro shock therapy. There is a 100% chance I will have memory loss, however we do not know how much. I could lose a week, a month or years. I could completely forget HBB and our relationship, I could wake up thinking it is 2011 and still miserable living with my hell of an ex. Worse part of that would be forgetting HBB and forgetting that my 2 beloved babies Pooka and Cricketa were dead. However there is also a 90% chance this will CURE me, completely and totally. Me and HBB discussed it and it is not even a question, the chance that I could be happy outweighs the risk of forgetting him in both our minds. It does not mean that I am not scared, that I worry that I will lose the one thing that makes me so happy I want to go around singing love songs at the top of my lungs. Before you ask "Have you tried less radical treatments?" I will let you know I have. I am super sensitive to drug side effects, and I become tolerant to meds very rapidly (meaning they stop working). My file is half a foot thick with medicines I have tried, retried and all the horrible side effects. I am overweight because of a med I was put on at puberty that forever damaged my metabolism. So we have exhausted all the medical approaches, the brand new newest of the new SSRI med I was put on 5 months ago has now stopped working as usual and I am back to being miserable. So me and my doctor decided ECT was a reasonable risk to take, since I could go back and retry some med I already took twice before and hope this time it doesn't make me shake uncontrollably or crave carbs like an italian on a diet, but I am tired of it all. Best case scenario with that is it works for 6 months until I become immune and we have to start over again.

So that is my novel. Insight into what is going on with me and HBB right now, and it sucks beyond the telling of it.

[Sora1101]

Have you ever seen the movie 50 first dates? Your situation somewhat reminds me of that, the leading actress suffers from losing her memory every day and the leading actor falls in love with her by the end of the movie they found out a way to help her remember. He makes her a video of everything about all the time they've shared together, how they met, how they fell in love, etc.

You could try doing something like that, that way if it erases your memories of HBB you can watch it and hopefully it will trigger something or at least let you know that someone out there loves you and that you love him. I know it's not much but it'd be worth a shot.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Are you sure that it's likely that your memory loss would be that dramatic? From what I've read about ECT, it's common to lose memories of events leading up to and after the treatments, but not enough to completely forget important people in your life. At least, it would have be absurdly rare for that to happen, or else I don't think ECT would be offered up as a viable treatment option.

In any case, facing any sort of memory loss is a really daunting and scary thing, and I hope you can find a solution that works for you and that you're at peace with.

[Spriteling]

I've had ECT and the memory loss is nowhere near that severe. I lost a few memories of the time leading up to my ECT, but nothing more. The worst that happened was that my short term memory was seriously affected by the ECT; I don't remember very much of the time when I was getting ECT, and the first six or so months afterwards. There's really no chance you'll totally forget HBB, so don't worry too much about that.

[Honeypie]

The memory loss your are speaking of could happen however it is very rare .... some memory loss usually does happen.

In another post I've said I suffer from mental illness & I'm willing to talk about it with you if you want to PM me.

[Yaaamiii]

I wish there was something I could say, but I'm just not sure what. I hope everything works out for you in the end, however. Best of luck and sending hugs your way.

[Jezah]

There is a 100% chance I will have memory loss, however we do not know how much. I could lose a week, a month or years.

I know losing all my memory for years or even months would be rare, but all the doctor said, they will be focusing on my memory centers of my brain since I have PTSD as the cause of my depression. Also, my memory center is already damaged by the PTSD in the sense that I have horrible memory already, I do not remember my childhood at all already due to trauma so my hippocampus is already damaged. It just means that the ECT could cause it to reset and 'drop' memories easier.

Also, it looks like with delays HBB may be here when I am having it...so if I do forget him he can remind me

[Honeypie]

Best of luck .....

[Haley53]

Did you ever try therapy with a good, qualified therapist for your PTSD? PTSD does not damage the memory centers of your brain, unless you suffered from head trauma that simultaneously caused PTSD. Memory loss from PTSD lies in repression, defense mechanisms, that any qualified therapist can help you recover and come to terms with in a safe environment so that you can recover from the PTSD. I simply wanted to point out that PTSD is not a condition that biologically damages or inebriates any part of your brain, but rather it's a complex disorder that often goes hand in hand with memory loss due to the functions of repression, suppression, etc., not by somehow managing to damage your hippocampus. I simply wanted to point that out because it sounds like somewhere along the line, you received inaccurate information.

I'm not sure it will change your mind about this any, but before turning to something so drastic as ECT, I would honestly consider working with a therapist in an intensive environment. Not being responsive to medications for very long could be a sign of that your body responds oddly to medication, or it could be a sign of that your depression isn't chemical, therefore it's more a product of the environment you were grown up in and the traumas you experienced in your childhood, which have led you to following the patterns of thought and emotion that you do today. I would honestly consider genuinely working with a therapist (I know you've mentioned you refuse to trust them, other than the one therapist who pushed past your walls, and you also mentioned seeing a therapist again... Does this therapist condone this while knowing very little about you?) as opposed to resisting it and seeing where that gets you, though you have to want to change. Modern medicine can only go so far if the want to change isn't there.

If you do decide to go forward with this, I wish you the best of luck and I hope it turns out in your favour, but out of everything you mentioned, you never mentioned really giving a therapist a proper shot because you've decided it doesn't work for you because they don't push you in the way you need... I honestly think you'd see therapy differently if you actually gave it an honest shot and were honest about your walls and wanting to break them down to begin with. I simply feel that ECT is a dramatic leap for someone who has never even given therapy a fair go. Modern medicine is only going to get you so far, as I said, so I hope that even if you do go forward with ECT, you continue to see a therapist to work through the issues that are likely to exist even with medical treatment. I admit I don't know much about ECT, but I'm guessing it's not so extreme that it would change thought patterns, behaviour, etc. to some significant degree, same as how memory loss to The Vow style extreme is rare; they won't let prisons shock willing paedophiles, so they're certainly not going to approve a treatment that dramatically alters someone the way, say, lobotomies used to. A lot of the time with depression and anxiety, that's why CBT is so effective: it tackles the thought processes and patterns of behaviour that perpetuate the depression and anxiety. As far as I'm aware, ECT and medicine don't do that alone, so I do hope you continue with therapy even after this treatment takes place.

[Sierra]

I have PTSD too and the same kind f depression for much of my teenage years. I know how horrible it can really be. You can always talk to me if you need to talk.

That being said, I know someone who has been receiving EST for her depression. She hasn't had any memory loss and it has REALLY helped her. She says it's like her depression resets when she as it and while she does still have cycles of serious depression, when she reaches the lowest point,she actually looks forward to the relief the EST provides er.

I'm sorry if ths is so disjointed, there's so much I want to say but on my iPad which makes it hard to type. PTSD controlled/controls my life too much but I can seriously say I'm better than I've ever been. If this is what you need to do to get relief, try not to fear about what may be but with the relief you'll get from tens horrible disease. I believe that the heart wants what the heart wants and your heart can't forget.

[Honeypie]

PTSD does not damage the memory centers of your brain, unless you suffered from head trauma that simultaneously caused PTSD. Memory loss from PTSD lies in repression, defense mechanisms, that any qualified therapist can help you recover and come to terms with in a safe environment so that you can recover from the PTSD. I simply wanted to point out that PTSD is not a condition that biologically damages or inebriates any part of your brain, but rather it's a complex disorder that often goes hand in hand with memory loss due to the functions of repression, suppression, etc., not by somehow managing to damage your hippocampus.

Modern medicine can only go so far if the want to change isn't there.

This is all true information ...... there is a HUGE difference between Brain Damage & Mental Illness ..... I've had very close contact with both

[LittleVari]

I know losing all my memory for years or even months would be rare, but all the doctor said, they will be focusing on my memory centers of my brain since I have PTSD as the cause of my depression. Also, my memory center is already damaged by the PTSD in the sense that I have horrible memory already, I do not remember my childhood at all already due to trauma so my hippocampus is already damaged. It just means that the ECT could cause it to reset and 'drop' memories easier.

Also, it looks like with delays HBB may be here when I am having it...so if I do forget him he can remind me

I'm new and I'm a lurker and I REALLY don't want to make waves here, but as someone who has PTSD and who has a friend who underwent ECT a couple of years ago, the above sounds likes BS (so does the original post). It reads like someone who did a little research about PTSD and ECT online and is now trying to pass off things she half understood to a forum of caring people.

PTSD does NOT cause brain damage, and I find it hard to believe that a new therapist would be pushing ECT (didn't OP say just a couple of days ago she was going to be seeing a new therapist?). ECT is a last resort treatment, and even if the OP had personally tried and failed with a lot of medications in the past, I find it REALLY hard to believe a therapist would just offer up ECT without getting to know the OP better first.

I'm no expert, but OP probably has borderline personality disorder and/or munchausen's. And to be fair, BPD could be considered a form of PTSD and is its own hell. But I doubt just about everything else. I know I'm playing armchair therapist and I shouldn't, because I only know what I know from my own experiences and having a friend with her own experience, but SO much of what this poster says comes off as over-the-top and phony and attention seeking. I'm sorry she feels she needs to act this way to get love/attention she wants, but when people co-opt the real-life struggles of others in order to make themselves the centre of attention, it ticks me off. This posting board has a lot of caring people on it, and I get the feeling there's a con going on.

OP, if by chance I'm wrong (and of course I could be because I'm an idiot sometimes), my friend who had ECT was helped greatly by it and lost very little. She was a bit spacey for a couple of weeks and sometimes got confused because there were minor things she forgot in the short-term, but most of her memories came back and she didn't forget anything important. She knows she will probably have to do it again, and she's OK with that (as I understand it, ECT isn't necessarily a cure, but a treatment). She has bipolar and was very suicidal though, so I don't know how well it helps with PTSD (my therapist has never mentioned ECT for me).

I don't want to stir up too much shit, so I'll go back to lurking now.

[Haley53]

I'm no expert, but OP probably has borderline personality disorder and/or munchausen's. And to be fair, BPD could be considered a form of PTSD and is its own hell. But I doubt just about everything else. I know I'm playing armchair therapist and I shouldn't, because I only know what I know from my own experiences and having a friend with her own experience, but SO much of what this poster says comes off as over-the-top and phony and attention seeking. I'm sorry she feels she needs to act this way to get love/attention she wants, but when people co-opt the real-life struggles of others in order to make themselves the centre of attention, it ticks me off. This posting board has a lot of caring people on it, and I get the feeling there's a con going on.

While I agree with some of your post, I have to say that with she does not fit the textbook criteria for either of the two disorders you mentioned, and especially Borderline is a hefty one to throw around (even what you included in that paragraph does not necessarily fit either of the two disorders, as the OP is lacking some crucial and central criteria for both that you mentioned). Munchausen's is rare enough in regards to creating and perpetuating physical illness and there's really no current research supporting the idea that it applies to those who use mental illness in the same way to the same degree (if there is, I would really like to read it, because I have a situation with a friend who becomes every disorder that's suggested to her by textbook definition; that's the only reason I'm aware of the current, very limited knowledge about Munchausen's). While I agree with many of your other points, and made them in my own post (especially about the new therapist), I don't really feel it's fair to be throwing around names of disorders that really don't fit the case of the OP.

I realise I'll probably have a reputation for arguing certain things (probably already do) by posting this, but it simply irks me when the names of disorders are thrown around when they're used as incorrectly as the OP saying PTSD causes physiological damage to one's brain.

[garnet]

I'm new and I'm a lurker and I REALLY don't want to make waves here, but as someone who has PTSD and who has a friend who underwent ECT a couple of years ago, the above sounds likes BS (so does the original post). It reads like someone who did a little research about PTSD and ECT online and is now trying to pass off things she half understood to a forum of caring people.

...

I don't want to stir up too much shit, so I'll go back to lurking now.

I rather think that's exactly what you wanted to do. It's really not cool to make accusations about the OP, or whatever you were doing. It doesn't help anyone. If the OP needs support, let her have it. Since you admit to not being an expert, why not just let it be?

[kteire]

While I agree with some of your post, I have to say that with she does not fit the textbook criteria for either of the two disorders you mentioned, and especially Borderline is a hefty one to throw around (even what you included in that paragraph does not necessarily fit either of the two disorders, as the OP is lacking some crucial and central criteria for both that you mentioned). Munchausen's is rare enough in regards to creating and perpetuating physical illness and there's really no current research supporting the idea that it applies to those who use mental illness in the same way to the same degree (if there is, I would really like to read it, because I have a situation with a friend who becomes every disorder that's suggested to her by textbook definition; that's the only reason I'm aware of the current, very limited knowledge about Munchausen's). While I agree with many of your other points, and made them in my own post (especially about the new therapist), I don't really feel it's fair to be throwing around names of disorders that really don't fit the case of the OP.

I realise I'll probably have a reputation for arguing certain things (probably already do) by posting this, but it simply irks me when the names of disorders are thrown around when they're used as incorrectly as the OP saying PTSD causes physiological damage to one's brain.

This. There's far too much medical misinformation on the web, so the only people who should be diagnosing are medical professionals.

And that being said, I know a lot of people with diagnosed BPD, and the OP does not sound a thing like them.

Jezah, I know how horrible it is to deal with PTSD, I struggled with it for years. I was able to mostly work through it with medication and one absolutely amazing social worker, who I completely credit with saving my life. I still have symptoms of it, but it's much more manageable now. I'm a bit surprised that a physician would recommend ECT, but that I have known people who benefited from it immensely. Only one person I know suffered more memory loss than is normal, and most off her memory returned to normal after a few years. If that's the course of action you decide to take, I wish you luck for it, and I hope that the side effects are minimal.