What do you do when you and your SO have different opinions on some matter of intimacy? I'm not talking about sex, but other intimate actions.
Here's my situation: My SO is coming to visit me next week. I recently moved cross-country, and this will be our first visit that we're not staying with family or friends. I'm temporarily living by myself in a four-bedroom apartment, with one twin-size bed in each room. I also have a queen-size air mattress. Anyway, the issue is: I want to sleep with my SO. I mean that in the simplest way possible--sleep on the same mattress, and wake up next to each other (we haven't had sex yet; that's not a step either of us is ready for at this point). My reasoning is pretty straightforward. A) He's my boyfriend, I want to be close to him. B) We see each other once a month at most, and he's traveling halfway across the country to see me. It just seems silly to go through all that effort only to sleep in separate bedrooms.
My SO, however, is...not more conservative, I would say--but more reserved about these kinds of things. He'd never even seriously considered the idea of us sharing a bed until it came up once while planning for a visit a couple months ago, and then it ended up not being an option anyway, so we never fully discussed it (and we've actually never had an option of sharing a bed in any past visits, so this is the first time we'll have to address it in person). I know he's not hung up on the idea of us sleeping next to each other--we've dozed off and taken naps together plenty of times. But I suspect the idea of intentionally sleeping together through the night, with all the little intimacies and implications that go along with that, is a different level for him.
I think it has a lot to do with our personal backgrounds and families. I'm very open and casual about sleeping arrangements; I share beds with friends all the time, and am not shy about sleeping next to people I don't know as well. I also have a lot of siblings and a big family, so I'm used to having people in my nighttime space. My SO comes from a smaller, more physically reserved family, who are more "proper" about privacy. For example--when I vacationed with his family last month, we all stayed in a small 2-bedroom cabin. I ended up having a queen-size bed in one bedroom all to myself because his sister wasn't comfortable sharing a room with someone she'd just met (she slept on a pull-out couch in the living room instead, with her fiance and my SO on the floor). Naturally I felt guilty about this, but it was fine with her and everyone else.
Anyway, all this to ask: how would you/how have you approached this issue, or similar issues, in your relationships? I do realize it's not a huge problem, and of course I'm not going to push it if he's not comfortable with it yet. But like I said, it just feels silly to me to be sleeping in separate rooms when we have a whole apartment to ourselves and an air mattress that can easily hold two people (even though the only place the air mattress would fit is the kitchen/living room space, which isn't an ideal sleeping location...but if it means sleeping next to him, that's fine with me!).
I'm also trying to figure out the best way to discuss this without unintentionally implying that he's a prude--which I don't think at all!
Thoughts?
Here's my situation: My SO is coming to visit me next week. I recently moved cross-country, and this will be our first visit that we're not staying with family or friends. I'm temporarily living by myself in a four-bedroom apartment, with one twin-size bed in each room. I also have a queen-size air mattress. Anyway, the issue is: I want to sleep with my SO. I mean that in the simplest way possible--sleep on the same mattress, and wake up next to each other (we haven't had sex yet; that's not a step either of us is ready for at this point). My reasoning is pretty straightforward. A) He's my boyfriend, I want to be close to him. B) We see each other once a month at most, and he's traveling halfway across the country to see me. It just seems silly to go through all that effort only to sleep in separate bedrooms.
My SO, however, is...not more conservative, I would say--but more reserved about these kinds of things. He'd never even seriously considered the idea of us sharing a bed until it came up once while planning for a visit a couple months ago, and then it ended up not being an option anyway, so we never fully discussed it (and we've actually never had an option of sharing a bed in any past visits, so this is the first time we'll have to address it in person). I know he's not hung up on the idea of us sleeping next to each other--we've dozed off and taken naps together plenty of times. But I suspect the idea of intentionally sleeping together through the night, with all the little intimacies and implications that go along with that, is a different level for him.
I think it has a lot to do with our personal backgrounds and families. I'm very open and casual about sleeping arrangements; I share beds with friends all the time, and am not shy about sleeping next to people I don't know as well. I also have a lot of siblings and a big family, so I'm used to having people in my nighttime space. My SO comes from a smaller, more physically reserved family, who are more "proper" about privacy. For example--when I vacationed with his family last month, we all stayed in a small 2-bedroom cabin. I ended up having a queen-size bed in one bedroom all to myself because his sister wasn't comfortable sharing a room with someone she'd just met (she slept on a pull-out couch in the living room instead, with her fiance and my SO on the floor). Naturally I felt guilty about this, but it was fine with her and everyone else.
Anyway, all this to ask: how would you/how have you approached this issue, or similar issues, in your relationships? I do realize it's not a huge problem, and of course I'm not going to push it if he's not comfortable with it yet. But like I said, it just feels silly to me to be sleeping in separate rooms when we have a whole apartment to ourselves and an air mattress that can easily hold two people (even though the only place the air mattress would fit is the kitchen/living room space, which isn't an ideal sleeping location...but if it means sleeping next to him, that's fine with me!).
I'm also trying to figure out the best way to discuss this without unintentionally implying that he's a prude--which I don't think at all!
Thoughts?
It might be nice to be able to sleep next to each other. Even though it's only sleeping, I would love being able to hold you for that much longer. What do you think about sharing a bed?" and see where he stands on it (this is assuming you haven't already; I was a bit confused as to if you have or have not). I think by slipping in that you think it would still be nice to spend that intimate time with him, even though it's only sleeping, it makes it clear that you're not planning on taking it further (perhaps he's worried about temptation?) and simply want to snuggle up next to him without anything more than that; it also does not imply that he's a prude. If he says he doesn't like the idea, ask him why, and then you get your turn to explain your reasoning. Understanding why your reasons are the way they are can often allow two people to have more perspective, respect, and overall sensitivity for the other's opinion. I would go from there.
Comment