How to keep going?

If you haven't yet... please read my introduction and shortcut to some little details about me and my LDR in the Introduction threads, subject: Love.Giggles.N.Cupcakes (unable to post links yet since I'm new )

I am writing this with a very heavy heart and awful feeling in my gut after a (another) visit turning out unsuccessful...

Ty was on his way to visit me this afternoon, for what looked like our second successful attempt in being together in 8 months... today, he pulled into a gas station for a bathroom break, and when he returned to the car and went to back out, a fast driving lunatic swiped the back end of the car, making it unable to drive and keep going forward to his distance... me. He's fine and unhurt thankfully! The car however, not doing so good, and this is a borrowed car of his father's no less! He was quite angry at the man who caused the accident and swiped him and tried getting in his face and jumping until some nearby people separated them and local police were called.

He called me soon after being told to go back into his vehicle to calm down and to keep him away from the douche who caused the accident. He was still a bit frantic, still trying to calm down as I told him to listen to my voice and breath and as I told him how glad I was that he was okay! Even as serious as the accident was, as angry and edgy he was, I could tell he felt comfort listening to me as he told me he was listening to a song that reminded him of me as the car got hit and he yelped for me, somehow, thinking I was in the car with him and thankful I wasn't. <3

He was still in Greater Sudbury city limits and so a tow truck was called as well as the GS police. He is currently at the police station to provide them with his very detailed statement (I know this, because he is a security guard for a living and details are a must and he's good at it) and as the car is being towed back home... and hopefully VERY soon, will be getting a ride back home from the GS police.

Of course I'm glad that Ty is okay, but I have mixed feelings from this happening. No, not that I think he's making up this story, I know he wouldn't do such a thing, we're both bad liars, are too honest for our own good, and don't think the trouble of making them up is worth it.

****My issue is, we've had a lot of failed visits for one reason or another. At the beginning, it was mostly because he didn't have a job, his own car, much money, and a couple of times, his family (mother & step-dad) interfered... 2 or 3 times, it was okay for him to borrow his mom's car and then she would change her mind. So since he couldn't come here, in March, I went to him to spend an extremely short but blessed 3 day weekend with him (bit more about that in my introduction). We had a visit planned for the very next weekend which was fine and dandy and supported by he and his family until the very last minute where his family said it wasn't a convenient time and his step-dad said he had family coming from out of town unannounced and I'd have nowhere to sleep.

Things started progressing once he got his security guard license, he got hired by a reliable and prominent worldwide security company... which meant money to travel and see each other. Nearly 2 months ago, he got the use of his father's car to travel to/from work, etc. His father, who has fully supported our relationship, knows about our hardships, and though Ty did need a car of his own to travel to work instead of relying on his mom for rides, or borrowing his mom's car or step-father's truck, his dad also wanted him to borrow his car fully allowing him to travel out of town to come visit me and bring me to their family cottage with the use of the car. We've been trying for a couple months to plan visits since ultimately, it seemed much more feasible to be able to do so at at a more regular pace, but Ty has also been experiencing health issues, mostly, with his heart. Through the first 5 months of our relationship, he did have to go to the hospital once a month or so... in the least, he'd see his doctor to check up on prescriptions and dosage and such... but in the last 3 months, he's been in the hospital 9/10 on his days/time off, once had to finish his shift early to go to the hospital, and last week, he went right after his shift ended. All through these last 3 months, we've made multiple plans for him to come visit since it's less costly for him, and we don't have to put up with his family's last minute bullshit which has ended in keeping us apart and canceled plans multiple times because of their selfishness and not wanting their own son's happiness. *shakes head*

Ty and I have had a lot of struggles through our entire relationship... (yes, I'm aware, we ALL have them), it wasn't for the lack of us trying, but something/someone has always kept us apart -- often I've felt like we don't even have the keys to our relationship, we don't have the control -- obviously, we've made steps to prevent them from happening, especially where his family is involved, he's made is clear to them that he's got the control and they ought to keep their noses out of it. His family honestly hasn't been the issue for a few months now, thankfully, but I'm obviously still hurt and effected by the hurt they've caused to our relationship, that instead of helping us and making it possible for their son to be happy, they've done the opposite. Anyhow... I'm getting off track.

For the past couple months, I can't help but feel like something bigger than us doesn't want us to be together, and I'll be honest, I've had more occasions than I am willing to share where I have talked it over with Ty and was ready to submit and come to terms that maybe we're simply not meant together, break-up and remain friends (remaining friends because I can't see my life without him), because EVERY time we try, something happens... And today, having him being involved in an accident, where he could have potentially gotten hurt, scares me!! Now that the car is out of commission, and, though I'm just assuming, but I'm sure it'll be a while before even wants to TRY to come visit again because his incident has shaken him up... Hell... I'm even SCARED that if he tries again, something even worse will happen!!

I love him, I don't want any body but HIM. He's my best friend, he's the love of my life and he's the one I see a future with, I can't see myself being with anyone else, nobody else could ever compare to him or be better than him... We Are So Good Together, we both KNOW this..... but what IF it's not just a coincidence that shit keeps happening to prevent us from leading a happy life together.... what if we really aren't meant to be together?? What if something bigger than us really is doing all of this?!

I don't want to give up, though I admit, I'm often on the border these days more than I thought I'd ever have the strength to endure... but every moment of failure and disappointment, makes me weaker and weaker. If it wasn't for Ty's determination in loving me no matter what and not wanting to let me go, I'd probably have let go months ago because I hate that my heart gets broken so often!

I'm not a person that can just love half way, I love with my entire heart or not at all, and being without him even LONGER than we have to pains me. Every time something happens, I don't think I can endure the struggle... but SOMEHOW, I keep gathering more strength, hope and love... but at the same time, I'm always weary of things that MIGHT go wrong... and at this point, it's really sad for me to admit, but I almost expect SOMETHING to go wrong. I know I need to think more positively, and shouldn't think this way, but it's so hard getting knocked down over and over and barely having the energy to get back up and feeling numb from all the pain all the time.

I guess I'm looking for some strength, faith, guidance....... How do you cope when there are disappointments and cancellations that keep you apart??

*******

[Haley53]

The way I see it is that you can make of it what you want of it. If you're intent on looking for reasons you're not meant to be together, because something happens when you try to make plans with one another, than that's ultimately what you're going to bring to your relationship. In the end, like you said, we all have our issues and complications. We all go through our trials as couples. Sometimes those trials involve us being apart from our SOs and as much as we'd like to, it's not something that we can change. What is within our control, what we do have the power to change, however, is our perspective, the way we choose to look at a situation. You can either choose to look at the obstacles and happenings and see reasons you're not meant to be together, or you can choose to accept the fact that sometimes life happens and not everything is a message or some greater omen.

I have never had to deal with cancellations. The worst I've had to deal with, visit-wise, is not being sure of when we'd be able to see one another, and that was easy enough to deal with because the reasons for it were enough of a distraction. However, as much as I hate to say it, I think I dealt with it by dealing with it. Even now, I see my partner only around two times a year (the summer and spring) and it's extremely difficult for me, especially being in college and surrounded by people who get to hold hands and take classes with one another and meet up at the dining halls etc. But I do it, put simply, because I have to. While yes, I would love to have my SO in my arms for now and all time, the alternative to putting up with the distance is not having him. :/ It's dating other people, moving on, and while I'm sure it would happen, it's not something I want to happen, so I deal with the distance because I don't like the alternative.

Frankly, in your situation, it wouldn't make sense to remain friends with one another. For one, if you broke up and remained friends, you wouldn't be 100% available. You would both still have feelings for one another and as a result, you would either surpass opportunities to see/meet other people or you would take the opportunities but not be fully present or available for them, neither of which are going to get rid of the feelings of loneliness, anxiety, missing him, craving his presence, etc. If anything, they might amplify those feelings. For another, if you're both going to remain somewhat involved, on the basis of your feelings, and you both still choose to wait and see what happens, how is that any different than being in a LDR other than you haven't committed to trying to make it work?

In the end, I feel like you have to make a decision. You decide to commit to this, or you move on from it. Being friends is only going to be a detriment to both your situations, in my opinion, because somewhere along the line, someone, or both of you, is going to get hurt. The thing about LDRs is that you really do have to decide whether or not it's worth it. They are possible. With love, hard work, commitment, and dedication, and the willingness to compromise and make sacrifices, you can pull through a LDR, and a 3 hour gap within the same country is fairly more doable than two people in different countries, having to go through an entire visa process to be together; if they can make it work for years, and get through their visa process, you two can make this work. You do have to be honest though. Some people really aren't cut out for LDRs and that's okay, but then being friends with him is only going to be a disservice to the both of you, now and in the future.

I think to tackle this situation, he could consider using the money from work to rent a car, even, or to save up for his own car, put a little bit of each paycheque into that fund. There are ways to get around it. It might do you both some good to sit down and realistically discuss it. Seeing as you're 30, I would guess he's certainly old enough to be making his own decisions and not letting his mother and father influence him to the point he can't have a mature, adult relationship with you. There are ways to make it work. I think you both simply need to decide if it's worth it. Coming up with a game plan would help you deal with the disappointment. You could consider meeting halfway, even, if that helped either one of you, but I do think you need to stop looking at the cancellations as omens and look at them more as that things happen sometimes and you deal with them the best you can.