Close calls?

[Captivated]

Being that I'm a little over 2 months away from getting married, it got me thinking. This whole relationship could have easily fallen through the cracks. Two huge moments come to mind. Here's one of them...

I remember very early on, before we decided to give this LDR a go, he had mentioned how he wanted to be my bf, jokingly but serious at the same time. This was after I'd told him I was casually seeing other guys. And once he told me that, I was a bit put off. Firstly because I was not interested in a LDR and secondly, I wasn't even sure how I really felt about him. So I told him I was no good in relationships and apologized if he thought he saw something more with me than I could really give. He got a bit upset, saying he was confused where this was all going (since he was already thinking about coming out to see me sometime in the near future). He told me he had a bit too much self respect to spend loads of money to fly out to me if I was still going to continue seeing other guys.

In a way, I was impressed and intrigued with this guy. I told him that I didn't think we should limit ourselves since we weren't really sure if the chemistry would translate in person. I've been known to sabotage relationships...this wasn't an exception. But what he told me was rather shocking. He agreed with me to a point and stated that he could easily find a woman near him if he wanted to. But that he was really interested in me. So he wouldn't be pursuing anyone else and that if I wanted to see other guys, I could but that I just shouldn't tell him. Well of course I didn't want to see other guys. And he booked the ticket to see me...and the rest is, well, history.

If he hadn't been persistent...I wouldn't be here, in this forum, counting down the days until we were closing the distance. If I had continued my old ways of sabotaging good things in my life, I would still be the miserable self I was turning into. We've come a long way. And it's just interesting when I look back on our relationship, how much I've learned about myself (and healthy relationships in general).

Have you had any close calls? Any moments in your relationship when you were sure things were going to end?

[Haley53]

Probably after his mother passed away. I'll spare the whole story (especially since it can be found around LFAD, both in my posts and in bits and pieces of using it as an example), but he ended up breaking up with me over it, and I'll admit it, I struggled for a while. He begged me not to leave him, said that he needed me, yet I really wanted to withdraw from what was an incredibly painful situation for me. I didn't want to abandon him to go through the death of his mother alone, where he'd succeeded in pushing people away, but I also didn't want to have the raw wound of being broken up rubbed in my face until he decided he was done using me to lean on (of course, his intention wasn't to use me, but I'll admit that's the way it felt) and would go on to date/fall in love with someone else. Ultimately I decided to stay, because I don't think I'd ever have allowed myself to abandon anyone going through the crisis he was, but I wanted to know where we stood or if what we were on was a break or a break-up. His answer was something like "I guess it's permanent for the time being." That made a whole lotta sense.

Well, a month later, we ended up reinstating the titles (nothing had changed in our dynamic other than the titles during the break) and I had thought that things would get better. I stupidly believed that his mind clearing enough to know he wanted me as his girlfriend meant we could get through the relationship together and we would face adversity with fingers locked. I knew he was in for a massive amount of grieving and I was determined to be there with him through it. I really did not understand why so many of his friends left until I realised the way that he was handling the situation. It was more than grief. It was pure desperation and hopelessness, having become a surrogate father, having lost his home and mother in one, having to deal with his abusive father trying to snuffle in for the life insurance money, kicking them both out of their house and home, changing the locks, etc. And he was lashing out, swinging left and right, and hitting everything he could.

I dealt with it for as long as I could, worked on figuring out what he needed, changed my communicative styles because I was the only one capable of changing, and managed to barely hold my head above water as I held him, almost at arm's length, struggling before me. I lost a lot of friends. My best friend turned against me completely, tore into my throat to the point I couldn't handle speaking with her much anymore. I had tried my best to support her when she was in a destructive relationship, a relationship by two mentally sound people who made conscious decisions to destroy one another, and I was hurt she wasn't there for me when my relationship was being battered by external circumstances. I had another friend who tried to be there for me the best she could, the only one who tried, but I withdrew from her, too, not wanting to burden her with the weight of my SO's experience. And then I had people on LFAD, who were there for me and supported me and comforted me, but I still felt alone. The isolation and the verbal abuse my SO hurled at me without thought for a few months' time, almost 5, really, was enough to make me reconsider it completely.

I think the 6 month mark was when I told him one more thing and I simply couldn't do it, I was not strong enough to keep going the way we had, and he had a lot of repairing and damage control to do when he was able, because this experience had tested me to the brink of my limits and I was simply done if he was going to test me any further. We had a rocky time of re-coordinating our boundaries, figuring things out, but since then, the storm has gradually slowed to a simmer. I still deal with his testy moods on holidays and I imagine I will on his mother's death's anniversary (I plan to lay low on that one), but things have improved a lot and I can genuinely say our relationship has come out stronger for it. Our communication is better, there is more clarity, we're more confident and feel more solidified in our foundation, etc. I would say it was definitely a close call for us, though.

[Captivated]

Wow - I can't even imagine how I'd handle being in that situation. We talk about how he'd deal going back home if something happened to his parents...being that now he'll be thousands of miles away. I try to reassure him that we'd drop everything to go and I'd be there for him. But thinking something will happen one way and having to actually experience it are two different things.

And then I think what I'd do if I lost one of my parents...how I'd react to that. I know I'd lose it...but I just don't know how I'd treat my fiance. I'd like to think I'd let him be there for me. But I'm not so sure.

That's a great story, Eclaire. You two are truly an inspiration to couples (long distance or not).

[Tanja]

Well we're going through something like that right now. I have no idea how things will turn out to be but I'm determined to be happy, one way or another!

[Haley53]

Being honest, I'm not sure I could have handled it if I hadn't seen my mother go through it. Potentially if we were older or if our relationship was older (we'd been friends for ages but were only in a relationship for 6 months at the time), but I genuinely don't know if I would have stayed in a relationship, only 6 months in, if I didn't have my mother's behaviour when she lost her mother to reference.

I also feel like his age was a part of it, as well. He lost her when he was 18. While I feel like losing a mother is one of the most trying and difficult experiences anyone will face - in many cases, at least - I suppose I feel that it might have been handled differently had he been even 30-years-old, on his own, and established in a career, as opposed to being a dependent, living at home, still trying to figure things out. :/ It's such an upheaval of an experience when you have a foundation, let alone when you don't.

I appreciate your words, though. I tend not to see what other people see when I look at my own situation? But I appreciate the sentiment and it does mean a lot. LFAD was probably the most present source for me during that time and I am eternally grateful. I imagine you and your SO would be to get through it if ever it happened, however, no matter what that meant. It sounds like you're both very dedicated and like he knew you were the one before you did. Funny how that happens sometimes. But I have to say, I'm a sucker for stories like yours. I've learned men like him are keepers, and I wish you all the happiness in the world! I hope we'll all get to see wedding pictures?

[Sora1101]

We came close once, I had gotten into a really bad state of mind, all my friends were starting to drift away and he was getting more and more busy and I had to stop and think to myself. I was young and had 2 years left of high school where I could find a boyfriend close by to go to all those dances and parties and school functions with, we could hang out and double date with my friends. But then I realized that throughout picturing all of that I kept imagining doing it with my SO, not some random guy, I wanted to do all those things with him because I love him. After I realized that I never looked back, I know in my heart that he's the one I want to be with and I'll fight tooth and nail to make it happen, I won't give up just because I'm lonely.

[Zephii]

I'm not sure...

I mean, the first few years of our something-more-than-friendship was messed up. We wanted to get out of each others lives and let go. We didn't want an international relationship. I was in a relationship. He was searching hard for someone he could love more than me in his own country. But, we just kept failing.

I think the closest call we've had was early 2010. I was living with him in Canada and hating it. He wasn't treating me right. One of his old bed buddies was still flirting with him and I felt threatened. We knew I'd have to come back to Australia to sort out stuff with the house, maybe a year, but after that we were to settle in Canada for the rest of our lives.

I remember being in the bathroom with him. I'd gotten out of the shower and was drying off, watching him through the curtain, my heart falling to pieces. I had to make one final decision - my man or my country - and stick to it because the life I was living was destroying me.

We talked of course, and he cried and said he wasn't strong enough to do for me what he had been asking of me. And I cried and told him I'm not strong enough to do what he was asking. We would compromise, or "we" would fail. Evidently, we chose compromise

I think that's the only time when there was ever a doubt in my mind that we'd make it.


* Sending loves to Tanja because she's awesome *

[prinzeza87]

I have no idea how things will turn out to be but I'm determined to be happy, one way or another!

<---- like that

Have you had any close calls? Any moments in your relationship when you were sure things were going to end?
many times , but at the end somehow we stay together n we still ....

[BlueCat]

We've certainly had our fair share of close calls, from both sides in terms of who would've ended it at those times.

[Honeypie]

We had a close call a few months ago when he said something that I kinda misunderstood but not really LOL ..... he told me I could have sex with another man if I "had" to cause he wasn't around .... I got offended & also thought that he was telling me that so he could have sex with someone else ..... turns out he didn't want to but was worried I did & wanted to give me the option {I didn't want that option} .... we sorted it all out on the phone

[lademoiselle]

Now that I think about it we did have one close call. My SO was in his final year of studies and we hadn't been together for very long; he had to decide what to do after graduation, and had been thinking for a long time about living in South America for at least a year. We talked about it at length and eventually decided that if he went we couldn't stay together. I swore I'd wait for him but he told me not to. I was crushed, and after that I kind of shut down my emotions, not wanting to let my feelings deepen lest my SO's departure break my heart. A short while later though, he chose to stay. That he picked me over a lifelong dream (of his own accord, mind!) is something which I've never forgotten. One day I hope to have the money to fund a surprise trip to Argentina - it's the least I can do for my SO, haha

[heathergro]

We had a close call about a month ago, when he told me that he wasn't happy with our relationship right now, that the distance was really getting to him, and he was lonely and depressed without me there. Even though I was freaking out inside, I managed to keep calm and talk about it with him, talk about where we went off track and how he felt, what we both thought we needed to improve, and rebuild things to the way they were. It's still a little shaky because we're in that rebuild mode and it feels like he's keeping me at arms' length sometimes, but I'm trying to be patient and work things out because I really love him and want us to be together.

[princessmeg1328]

I can think of three different points in our relationship where it could have gone either way. The first one was about two months into our relationship where he actually did break up with me. I already knew at that point that I wanted to be with him forever so I fought for him, and we decided to give our relationship a one month trial. We still talked and were boyfriend/girlfriend, but we just took things a little bit slower.
The next time was in January this year. We had been talking about getting engaged and one day I brought up just getting married while he was visiting. I knew my mom would be disappointed if I got married without telling her so I told him to tell his parents. Things did not go well when he told them. They kept making it all about them and how much they wanted to be there. I remember telling him that I wasn't excited about him coming to visit anymore and that I wasn't even sure if I wanted him to.
The last one I can think of again involves his parents. The UK recently changed their visa rules, and they're going to affect us. Once we learned the new rules, we knew that we wouldn't be able to qualify under them. We talked about it a lot and tried to think of every single option we could. The only one we could think of was to get married in November instead of May like we originally planned. Once he told his parents that, his mom said that she saw no point in coming in May (we're still going to have the big wedding like originally planned) since we would already be married. That pushed me over the edge, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a part of his family any longer.
We're still planning on getting married in November. Only 138 days to go!

[kirbycat]

Our relationship almost ended before it even began.

The reason we got together and became a couple, after not seeing each other for two years, was because I decided to make the journey from my home in Michigan to meet him in St. Louis. While I'd been thinking about making that trip for a couple months, the reason it actually happened is that I already had a trip planned to Chicago for a reunion with some friends I'd worked with overseas. One of those friends happens to live in St. Louis, and since Chicago is already 1/3 of the way there from where I lived in Michigan, I decided to go the rest of the distance, travel down and stay with my friend. It also worked out that my SO just happened to be free that weekend to come into St. Louis from his home in western Missouri. We only had 2 1/2 days together, but it was that visit that solidified our feelings for each other.

It was such a perfect alignment of schedules and opportunities, that I'm still amazed it actually worked out. I still wonder sometimes what my life would be like now if I hadn't made the bold decision to travel across three states to see him. I asked him once what he would've done if I hadn't decided to go to St. Louis - I'd come up with the idea entirely on my own, with no prompting from him. We'd been doing a lot of skyping and chatting in the couple months before that trip, and he said that if I hadn't decided to visit, he probably would've cut off contact before too long. I'd already turned him down once three years ago, so he wasn't going to make any more advances without my first expressing a real interest. If I hadn't put forward the idea of meeting in St. Louis - which I wouldn't have done if that reunion with friends hadn't been in Chicago - we never would've gotten together. Crazy how things turn out, isn't it?