What do you do when your SO stops working at the relationship?

[inez]

Every relationship goes through this process, the point where you are so used to the person that you forget to go out of your way for them the way you used to. It's just so much more difficult in an LDR because you can't have them there physically, it's not like I can just knock on his door and be like, "Hey, pay attention to me, please?" So what are you supposed to do about this stage in an LDR?

I remember the days when he would text me every second he got, and call me whenever there was a chance. It's not that I expect to always have that, obviously, but hearing from him MAYBE once a week doesn't feel like a relationship to me.

[dglynn77]

This sounds simple, so maybe you've already done it, but have you talked to him about it?
Not in a whiny, nagging way, but a factual, I'd like to talk to you more, way.
Many times I think we wait for the other person to act first. We want them to be spontaneous and just know what we need without talking.
Maybe that happens for some couples, but at least in my relationship, we HAVE to talk in order to figure things out.
Let your SO know that you would like to talk to them more, and that while you understand that talking every moment may not be practical, you would at least like to hear from them once a day/whatever works best for you! Let them know that you love talking to them, and that talking to them makes you feel more loved and secure in the relationship, and that it is the highlight of your day when you get to talk to them. Hopefully that helps!!!
Best of luck!!!

[MeeshaLenee]

I don't really have any advice for you, though I'm sure other people do. XD But I did want to say that I know how you feel. My best friend of nearly 3 years lives in a different state (and for the record, I love him and am hoping we can have a relationship someday), and we're at the point where it seems like he wouldn't talk to me at all if I didn't initiate contact. I'm trying to work with him so he understands that he can't just...not talk to me...and expect us to still be best friends, since we can't do anything together in person, but I'm not sure how far I'm getting.

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? I mean, part of being committed to a relationship is doing the things you need to do, even if you don't FEEL like doing them all the time. So I guess if he doesn't feel like talking to you as often but still wants to be your SO, he does need to understand that he's going to have to put in more effort to make it work.

---------- Post added at 09:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:02 PM ----------

Haha, ninja sneak-attack by dglynn. XD

[moondust]

I feel ya Inez about what your going through, as I seem to have the same thing. I rarely hear from my SO lately, well I been really depress for the couple of days esp. now when its almost 5 days since the last time I received a message from him. Its hard... when you think about how it was before when your SO makes an effort to just let you know how are things and yeah... its not even the conversation or so that you do long for, just to remember that hey someone is waiting and worrying how you were so atleast give them a courtesy reply or so. Idk. Its heartbreaking at some point, but what can you do? But wait and accept matters, hmmm I know this reply is not helping at all I think, I just let wanna let you know that your not alone in having to experience such matters.

[Haley53]

I feel like there are two things going on here: a need for communication, and choosing your battles.

When you say you're hearing from him around once a week, is that him contacting you? Does it include the times you've put an effort to contact him in? If so, then I think this is where you need to work on communicating your needs. Don't go into it saying you feel neglected or that you feel he's gotten lazy. Don't go into it bemoaning about this stage that "every relationship goes through at some point" to lighten it up. Go into it with that you miss him and since your relationship is limited to talk only, you feel like you want to come up with a way that you can talk more than once a week, even if the compromise is phone calls once or twice a week and e-mails every other morning and evening. Talk to him about your want for more contact, but also listen to his reasons for why he's only contacting you once a week. Try to keep an open mind. Once those two things have been put out there, then you can work on finding a compromise that works for the both of you.

That said, if he's only initiating contact once a week, and you're the one initiating contact every other time, but he still makes an effort to talk to you when you do, then I think you need to pick your battles. It's real easy to feel like an annoyance or like they don't want to talk to you if you're always the one initiating conversation, but at the same time, isn't the point of talking to one another having a conversation together to begin with? When it's the conversation that matters, does it matter who starts it? 99% of the time, I'm the one initiating the conversation with my boyfriend. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love or care about me. What it means is he knows I'm going to be the one to IM him when I hop online or when I get the notification that he's signed on. Sure, I could back off. Sure, I could talk to him. But I also have to weigh the worth of it. The thing is, if I worry about why he's not messaging me first, that's my issue/insecurity, not his. To feel like he's gotten lazy or that he no longer cares as much as I do is a projection of my own worries and lack of self-esteem surrounding it. Because it's my issue, my focus is more on that we're having a conversation and the quality of it, not who messages who first.

But if the case is that you only hear from him once a week even when you attempt contacting him, then my advice would be to communicate, communicate, communicate.

[inez]

Thanks everybody. It is good to hear I'm not alone, because it's been such smooth sailing so far, I guess it is hard not to worry once things get the tiniest bit rocky. It hard to talk about it because I don't want whatever I say to imply I'm expecting things that I'm not. Obviously I don't want his world to revolve around me, I'd just like it if he could include me in his world. Like dglynn and meeshalee were saying, it's good to hear what happened- even if it's just a sentence- in his life on a day to day basis. (I think I just realized what it was like for my parent's to never hear feedback when they asked how my day at school was.)

I know it's what I accepted by agreeing to an LDR, but it's not that hard to even send a sentence long text at the end of the day saying how their day was.

And to answer some of your questions Eclaire- thanks for the long thought out response, by the way- it's just been an entire lack of communication on his end. As in me sending 5 texts and receiving a one word response in return. It is easy to feel like an annoyance this way, but I've given everything to him, so how can I not feel insecure? I never say anything when he chooses to hang out with his friends all day without a word to me, or when he chooses to browse the Internet until 5am instead of calling me, but this is like, him leaving in the middle of a Skype conversation without a word, me texting him "Where did you go?" after an hour, and him responding with nothing more than, "Golf."

[Haley53]

Hm, in that case, I would consider talking to him about setting aside some nights where it's about you two and you two alone. Even if it's a couple nights a week where you both have an hour or an hour and a half to sit down and talk. Some people aren't texters, and sometimes you have to be okay with that, but asking him for a couple date nights a week, in addition to asking him to let you know when he's going out as opposed to leaving you hanging (with the golf thing, for example; it could even be phrased, "hey, I don't want to stop you from playing golf, but do you think you could let me know when you leave? That way I can go find something to occupy my time until you're back and we can chat!"), isn't entirely unfair, especially when he's expecting you to live off one-word responses and not making time for you otherwise.

It can be easy to separate the two worlds, sometimes a little too easy, and it can be hard for some people, especially those who are more active/extroverted, to find a balance between their relationship, which consists primarily of the online and technological world, and their world there, with their friends, school, etc. It's possible he hasn't even recognised he's doing it! But that doesn't mean it's okay to continue. I don't think sitting down with him and asking to set aside a date night or two, or communicating your want to, as his girlfriend, be more involved in his life, means you're laying out expectations or asking him to revolve around you and you alone. You could even say something like, "of course I want you to hang out with your friends and go do something like golf when you want to, but I simply think we need to make some time for us, too, because I miss you and I feel like I want to continue connecting with you in the way I know we can" and go from there. Phrasing it in terms of what you want because of positive reasons (want to continue deepening the relationship, want to connect with him, want to be involved, etc.) as opposed to negative (feel like he's lazy, feel like he doesn't care as much, etc.) should make him more receptive to the request, and it's not an unreasonable one. When you're in a relationship, you have to make certain accomodations. If you were there in person, he wouldn't constantly be blowing you off, and it's the same here. A LDR can still be deep, meaningful, and entertaining, you simply have to experiment and figure out what makes the relationship meaningful for you two.

But to start, I would definitely talk to him about it.

[Honeypie]

Talk to him about it & explain how you're feeling .... that's all you can really do.

[Softy]

When that happens, I text or call him or message him and i let him know.
Yes it happens that i feel hes away or busy and i need a lil attention, its normal.
In that case I just simply let him know and I want him to do the same.
Because that`s how you keep a LDR rollin until you close the distance

[XxFranticLovexX]

I can relate in a way, but my situation isn't really the same. My so contacts me when he can, he just has limited ways to do so atm. I had gotten used to talking(at least an hour + ) with him daily, and now.. I may get a day every week/ every other week where we have the chance to do that, but it's usually just a quick message daily, if that. It has been almost two days since I've heard from him now. I know it's not his fault though, I know what's going on with him and we've talked about it. I know that he tries and does his best to talk to me when he can. I just miss him sometimes and miss when we spent all of our time talking and sharing things together.

I doubt that this is helpful at all, but my advice is to talk to him. You may both need to compromise(not just one or the other), but something should be done, or at least talked out, so that you, nor him, feel forgotten or hurt.

[laura95]

I can easily go nearly a week without hearing from my boyfriend when I deliberately leave it up to him to get in touch with me first. But if it were down to me, I'd leave him a few texts every day & at least 1 phone call a week. I don't talk to him as much as I'd like to cause I just feel like he doesn't want to do the same in return, & I feel like I'm talking to him too much (although in my opinion I'm talking to him just the right amount). Sometimes I play the hard to get game, & wait for him to get in touch with me first. But it doesn't work, since he just doesn't bother. We're fine together in person, but when apart it's like we're strangers (or at least it is when I leave it to him to initiate the contact, which I usually do cause I hate feeling like I'm constantly chasing him). It's a bareable situation for us since we see each other every 2-3 weeks, although I can see how it's a big problem for couples who see each other less frequently. It does cause issues though, especially when there's other problems between us & I just feel like he doesn't care, or I'm having a particularly bad time etc. Hey ho, I'm coping with it, even though it's not ideal. I know that's just how he is, he doesn't mean any harm. But it still doesn't make up for the fact that it makes me feel pretty lonely sometimes & that he doesn't miss me or isn't thinking about me the same way I do. I deal with it, I can't change him - at least permanently anyway.

[Jgui]

I had this problem with my ex boyfriend.. He would always contact me during the beginning of the relationship then it slows down to few little to no text a day, and it eventually went to no communication for days...

It's tough being on the other end of the line and seeing the other person stop trying. I've tried to tell him in a very innocent way that I miss how we were before.

I think communicating to your SO about how you feel is important but don't come off as demanding. Let him know how you're feeling and that it's important for you to feel and know he's still in the relationship. Being LD it's tough enough, to go days without any form of communication doesn't make it easier.