What do you do when you had a argument

[jhoy0320]

My so and i had a bit of argument lastnight.here it goes we had set plans to talk like all day & night yesterday its like a make up talk since we didnt get to talk the day before that but he said he need to drop off his brother first to their parents house before we talk its take hours before he message m again that he will just have lunch at his parents then he will be home in two hours to talk to me.then he took like 5 hrs delayed saying he jusy got home.il say to hom ok and he just let me know when he wanted to see me online then he asked if i was grumpy?then i say that "i just want to know why he took so long.he reply saying "whats with that attitude he get busy and he got held up" he was mad at me.i asked him "what does he mean bout that coz was just asking coz i got worried.he started get mad & end up not talking to me.when i did look forward to talk to him coz i did miss him but he said "he doesnt want to be asked like a child and he was in bad mood dont want to talk.I insist on talking to him saying il wait for him coz i cant let the night passed knowing he"s mad at me he said he doesnt want to talk & he wont get online so why wont i just listen to him.i got really hurt wen he said that it feels like he"s pushingme away.so i didnt end replying him coz i was hurt this was the third time he react like that so i decided not to contact him till now and he wasnt sending me message till now as well.what should i do?im tempted to message him coz i miss him but i was a bit in pain of how he react.and feels like ive been pushed away.

[Haley53]

First, don't message him. I can tell you now, by smothering him when he's clearly asked for (through words and actions) space, you're only going to push him further away or escalate the situation by worsening the argument. I understand that it can be difficult when your partner is angry at you and I understand what it's like to have restless and sometimes downright sleepless nights because you and your SO ended on a sour note, but pushing at him is likely to result in one of two situations: a) withdrawing or b) becoming combative. You need to do what you need to do to calm down, relax, breathe, but you need to figure out what you need to do alone. Go punch some pillows, throw some stuffed animals around, go for a sprint, or do something more relaxing, like sketching or scribbling and listening to some loud music, reading a book, taking a hot shower or bath and screaming or singing or doing whatever you need to do to alleviate your emotions. Write in a journal or write an entry in a blog using the LFAD blog feature or even put it on MS Word. If you can't get your SO out of your mind, write a letter that you're not going to send. Do something, but don't bother him a fourth time.

Second, I can understand why he's upset. While he reacted with hostility, I do understand the feeling of defensiveness when your partner questions you incessantly. The thing is that family things often become extended. Even when I say I'm going to go help my mother for probably half hour or so, it can sometimes become even longer because my mother and I will get caught up talking or she'll need help on more than the one thing she said she did originally or she might ask if I want to go grab lunch (which warrants letting my SO know) or some sodas, and so on and so forth... The thing is that it happens, and it's real easy to get caught up with your family (I do feel getting caught up with family is different to, say, getting caught up with friends) and it's real easy for simply dropping someone to become an all day thing, at least as far as I know from my family and my friends' families (and even my SO's, on a couple occasions).

Third, I do understand your hurt as well, because he did promise that you would get the time to talk. However, while I can understand your upset, perhaps it would have been better expressed once he got home, and not through "what took you so long?" but maybe, "I'm a little bit grumpy because you took longer than I thought you would, and it worried me a bit, but you're here now and I'm starting to feel better. " That way, you're getting your feelings across, but you're also taking ownership of them. It's possible he got insulted because he took the time to let you know where he was and what he was doing, and sure, he got the times wrong, but here he made an effort to at least let you know and you questioned him about where he was. There was one occasion my SO asked where I was because it took longer than I'd originally thought, and it made me bristle a bit because I felt like he didn't understand that sometimes people get caught up and I'm no exception. Perhaps your SO is the same?

Lastly, I would leave it for now. Let him come to you, and I would apologise for asking him why he took so long and explain that you hadn't meant to make him feel like a child. Tell him you had simply been looking forward to your time with him and so you were in a bit of a foul mood and you're sorry for it (assuming you'd mean it). Then, if it'd make you feel better, ask him what he would rather you do in future situations and be honest, say that you know he took the time to text you and you appreciate him letting you know what was up, but you know sometimes you're going to worry, so what would he rather you do instead of asking him, immediately, what took him so long? Then once it's talked out, I would ask him if you could set up another day for you two to Skype. Really I feel like there was a miscommunication here, and what it sounds like is he felt cornered and questioned "like a child" when in his mind, he'd already told you where he was and what he was up to. Hopefully in the morning, things will have cooled down and you'll both be able to talk about it.

[jhoy0320]

Thanks a lot eclaire.your advice really made me realized thngs more and understand him more.yeah ur right its just miscommunocation between us.i would definitely take your advice.i really appreciate it..made my mind clear out things.thanks.

[jhoy0320]

Just addition to what i did post earlier before i end up not replying his last message yesterday is "he said he love & miss me to but its really hard that sometimes he handle better if we dont talk.he admit he is mad at me but he will over it he said he was just not in badmood and will just end up grumpy if i insist talking to him.so i receive that yesterday i just decided not to reply him back and give him what he want coz receiving the message he send me this make me hurt more and in pain.and until now i havent message him is it still better if i just let him come to me?Or should i message him?

[Moon]

You know what? Sometimes people get held up. Life happens. You have to understand that, and be a little more forgiving about such things in an LDR. LDR's can be tough when you're stuck to a computer all of the time, when you still need to get things done, and take care of your social obligations. Give the guy a bit of a break and some space when he needs it, and do the same yourself. Talking all day and night just isn't feasible a lot of the time, especially as the relationship progresses and you've gotta get back to those things you've been neglecting because of it. I think many of us go through this to some degree, and it can feel like he's pushing you away, but really you're just getting into the next, more comfortable, phase of your relationship, it can take a little getting used to though. It's completely normal.

If you message him, honestly I think you should apologize, it seems as though you overreacted here. Talk about what kind of time you both need to maintain life and your relationship effectively, and realize sometimes things happen and as long as it's only occasional, it's OK. You'll appreciate it when the same thing happens to you, because it will Good luck.

[Haley53]

I agree with Moon. If you message him, apologise.

It sounds like he has an issue with you pushing at him. "Insist" is a pushy word. You insisted on knowing where he was, and now he's saying he'd be cranky if you insisted on talking to him. Perhaps you could come to him with an apology and say you're his girlfriend, of course you don't want to be the source of his bad mood, and then ask him what he'd rather you do? And be prepared to accept honesty. I would also honestly reflect on your own behaviour. Do you tend to be a bit pushy? Is that your vice (we all have them)? If so, then maybe it's something you could consider working on. It sounds like he's feeling a little bit pushed into the corner about things, if anything, and that can usually be fixed by backing off and staying backed off. It can be tricky, but it can also lead to an evolution in your relationship that follows the natural evolution of becoming more comfortable.

[jhoy0320]

Thank you so much guys.your advice really made me realized things.i feel a lot much better reading ur comments and since ur completely relate to my situation.so thank you.keep them coming.il definitely work on my relationship lot more..thanks.

[Softy]

to answer your question: `What do you do when you had a argument?'

Well i think it depends on the person, but for me I'm like hot soup.
When its boiling too much, i need to cool down.
So when i have arguments with a lover, i ask for a pause (few minutes,hours,days) depends on the situation.
When I feel calm (and i know my partner is also receptive) then we talk things out.

That's what I do personally