.. in my case it broke it.
I was in a (near perfect) CDR with my bf for 7 months until an amazing job opportunity came along in a different country and on the opposite side of the continent and I encouraged him to take it because I didn’t want to be selfish. We were basically living together, talked all day via msn and text and saw each other daily. For the last 3 months CDR I was basically living at his place and would go to my apt to replenish on stock.
Our worst case scenario was we’ll do it for a year, but we’ll Skype every day and visit monthly (that is what he told me). As soon as he left our communication was beginning to dwindle but he was spending 3 weeks with family (in another province) before going to work. I didn’t realize it at the time but he is a workaholic – he kept mentioning how much he wants to go back to work and I would tell him to just enjoy his time with family and relax. Before we happened, he’d spend weekends and vacation Djing instead of "relaxing". He would write me a daily morning email so I would wake up to a nice message
He told me he had all these ideas for LDR.
When he got to his new home, there was a stack load of problems to deal with (moving to a new country has its stresses, on top of unresolved business at his old home). Our communication was lessened already because he was starting a new job. He was beginning to not respond as much or as often and our constant exchanges during the day of random emails and texts dwindled a lot. I admit I did not adapt too well to this but I was used to 7 months of constant communication I probably took a lot of it too personally but I wasn’t used to him not being responsive. He'd ask me to send him things for interview or from my project because he wanted to see but then never looked at it or responded.
I visited after his first week there, everything seemed wonderful but stress had already begun to take a toll on him – he’d sigh when he’d get home and was a lot more serious than before but everything felt good. He was on call so he would pick up the phone and check emails while we were together but I didn’t say a word because I didn’t care, I was with him. I’d say in his second week there he started staying late (and I mean 12-2am every night). He gave his availabilities for weekend conferences and they filled him up completely every weekend for 2 months. I was upset that he hadn’t given less availability for us to visit but he said he was doing what he had to for his job, though I doubt other people in his office were traveling to this extent - he even said he was getting a bonus because he was travelling so much which makes me think that he was doing more than he had to. He also wouldn't always tell me which city he was going to until he landed there which was kind of stressful because I wouldn't know if he was safe or not.
We Skyped and had date night maybe 3 times in that whole month. He moved to his new place and didn’t have internet for a while and even when he did he wasn’t home for us to Skype. So I would call in the morning while he walked to work but that lasted a week until he got a weird phone bill. Now he makes 6 figures and I had no job at the time but I still offered to split the bill so we could keep communicating but he refused. This disappointed me a lot. He said twice he’d get it fixed that he missed me and wanted to talk to me but once again, work picked up and that never happened. I didn’t hold it against him. I was compromising my needs a lot at that point and though he'd make an effort, it was sporadic and never enough (looking back now I wish I was more patient but it was hard because there was no routine).
I would send videos and photos on Whatsapp but he never sent me one despite my requests so I didn't see his face for over a month. Basically, there is always a way. At some point, he would only respond to my questions of how are you and how’s work, one line text a day. I tried a few times to maturely have conversations with him about how this was affecting us and such but nothing changed. Work was his new mistress and I was jealous. I told him that I was rethinking moving there because he had no time for me but he didn’t really reassure me much like he used to (also, he failed to tell me his job included 57% traveling and being on call during weekends before we made the decision together). So eventually I did explode and get more aggressive, understandably so.
Eventually more outside stressors got in the way (family illness, friend’s death) and I was also having a rough time and it got worse. He would also only pick up my phone calls once every 1.5 weeks and he wasn't acknowledging my calls or my nice texts and emails where I would cheer him on. I sent him a package that he never made time to pick up from the building manager's office. I know he was massively busy with work but I have a hard time seeing how someone can’t make it up with a nice email or something considering he has access to a computer and internet all the time or just push back a little on work and at least have mornings to us before spending 15 hours at work. I tried to establish a routine a few times but it never worked. His deadline was pushed back even further because everything at work was "broken" and red alert and when I would tell him it's okay it'll get better and one day we'll be able to Skype every day he ignored it but he was ignoring me a lot at that point. He said he wasn't that he was reading what I wrote but he never answered me...
I thought okay maybe this is temporary things will have to settle down eventually but it didn't feel like it was going to, I kept feeling like this is what his new job was going to be like and likely permanently. I did some reading recently and reviews from glassdoor.com and other websites mention how work/life balance is just awful. I mentioned this to him but he got defensive about his job and told me to stop analysing his job, which was hard since he wasn't being responsive. I told him it's up to the individual to balance work-life not the job. I don't think he got the message.
Eventually a big fight happened and I found out he was holding a grudge and said I was aggressive since he left and made him feel guilty about spending time with family and work (which is somewhat inaccurate because I expected what he told me, like I’ll skype you tonight but he wouldn’t) and he got very defensive about his money despite his generous statements about spending this or that to bridge the distance gap between us. We spoke for 2 days normally and then he disappeared (that was his way of breaking up, which I still can’t believe) then deleted me from his life (from Skype even before the fight, from DropBox, etc). Also, I wasn’t happy that he was telling me he had no time to talk but he made time to update things online and he made time to do his DJing stuff. Actions always speak louder than words, he’d tell me he loved me but would not make time to pick up phone calls, he told me 3 times that work trumps all sometimes and that I shouldn’t freak out about it, his new priorities were clear and I was at the bottom of it.
All the talks we had about making it work and how he’d fight for us and how he wanted to marry me, went down the drain in a quick few months – about 3.
All this to say that if you are going from CDR to LDR, make sure you establish serious rules, have MANY back up plans. In our case, luck and timing was against us, anything and everything that could go wrong.. did. He claims he couldn’t bring his personal laptop on work trips nor get Skype on his work computer (although someone else at that company told me you can but they work in different departments) and the cell phone provider he’s with blocks Skype on the phone. Meeting half way never worked, even when I would drop my expectations and needs.
I jump back and forth between regret and I should've done this or that and we weren’t meant to be but it’s hard to accept either.
I was in a (near perfect) CDR with my bf for 7 months until an amazing job opportunity came along in a different country and on the opposite side of the continent and I encouraged him to take it because I didn’t want to be selfish. We were basically living together, talked all day via msn and text and saw each other daily. For the last 3 months CDR I was basically living at his place and would go to my apt to replenish on stock.
Our worst case scenario was we’ll do it for a year, but we’ll Skype every day and visit monthly (that is what he told me). As soon as he left our communication was beginning to dwindle but he was spending 3 weeks with family (in another province) before going to work. I didn’t realize it at the time but he is a workaholic – he kept mentioning how much he wants to go back to work and I would tell him to just enjoy his time with family and relax. Before we happened, he’d spend weekends and vacation Djing instead of "relaxing". He would write me a daily morning email so I would wake up to a nice message
He told me he had all these ideas for LDR.When he got to his new home, there was a stack load of problems to deal with (moving to a new country has its stresses, on top of unresolved business at his old home). Our communication was lessened already because he was starting a new job. He was beginning to not respond as much or as often and our constant exchanges during the day of random emails and texts dwindled a lot. I admit I did not adapt too well to this but I was used to 7 months of constant communication I probably took a lot of it too personally but I wasn’t used to him not being responsive. He'd ask me to send him things for interview or from my project because he wanted to see but then never looked at it or responded.
I visited after his first week there, everything seemed wonderful but stress had already begun to take a toll on him – he’d sigh when he’d get home and was a lot more serious than before but everything felt good. He was on call so he would pick up the phone and check emails while we were together but I didn’t say a word because I didn’t care, I was with him. I’d say in his second week there he started staying late (and I mean 12-2am every night). He gave his availabilities for weekend conferences and they filled him up completely every weekend for 2 months. I was upset that he hadn’t given less availability for us to visit but he said he was doing what he had to for his job, though I doubt other people in his office were traveling to this extent - he even said he was getting a bonus because he was travelling so much which makes me think that he was doing more than he had to. He also wouldn't always tell me which city he was going to until he landed there which was kind of stressful because I wouldn't know if he was safe or not.
We Skyped and had date night maybe 3 times in that whole month. He moved to his new place and didn’t have internet for a while and even when he did he wasn’t home for us to Skype. So I would call in the morning while he walked to work but that lasted a week until he got a weird phone bill. Now he makes 6 figures and I had no job at the time but I still offered to split the bill so we could keep communicating but he refused. This disappointed me a lot. He said twice he’d get it fixed that he missed me and wanted to talk to me but once again, work picked up and that never happened. I didn’t hold it against him. I was compromising my needs a lot at that point and though he'd make an effort, it was sporadic and never enough (looking back now I wish I was more patient but it was hard because there was no routine).
I would send videos and photos on Whatsapp but he never sent me one despite my requests so I didn't see his face for over a month. Basically, there is always a way. At some point, he would only respond to my questions of how are you and how’s work, one line text a day. I tried a few times to maturely have conversations with him about how this was affecting us and such but nothing changed. Work was his new mistress and I was jealous. I told him that I was rethinking moving there because he had no time for me but he didn’t really reassure me much like he used to (also, he failed to tell me his job included 57% traveling and being on call during weekends before we made the decision together). So eventually I did explode and get more aggressive, understandably so.
Eventually more outside stressors got in the way (family illness, friend’s death) and I was also having a rough time and it got worse. He would also only pick up my phone calls once every 1.5 weeks and he wasn't acknowledging my calls or my nice texts and emails where I would cheer him on. I sent him a package that he never made time to pick up from the building manager's office. I know he was massively busy with work but I have a hard time seeing how someone can’t make it up with a nice email or something considering he has access to a computer and internet all the time or just push back a little on work and at least have mornings to us before spending 15 hours at work. I tried to establish a routine a few times but it never worked. His deadline was pushed back even further because everything at work was "broken" and red alert and when I would tell him it's okay it'll get better and one day we'll be able to Skype every day he ignored it but he was ignoring me a lot at that point. He said he wasn't that he was reading what I wrote but he never answered me...
I thought okay maybe this is temporary things will have to settle down eventually but it didn't feel like it was going to, I kept feeling like this is what his new job was going to be like and likely permanently. I did some reading recently and reviews from glassdoor.com and other websites mention how work/life balance is just awful. I mentioned this to him but he got defensive about his job and told me to stop analysing his job, which was hard since he wasn't being responsive. I told him it's up to the individual to balance work-life not the job. I don't think he got the message.
Eventually a big fight happened and I found out he was holding a grudge and said I was aggressive since he left and made him feel guilty about spending time with family and work (which is somewhat inaccurate because I expected what he told me, like I’ll skype you tonight but he wouldn’t) and he got very defensive about his money despite his generous statements about spending this or that to bridge the distance gap between us. We spoke for 2 days normally and then he disappeared (that was his way of breaking up, which I still can’t believe) then deleted me from his life (from Skype even before the fight, from DropBox, etc). Also, I wasn’t happy that he was telling me he had no time to talk but he made time to update things online and he made time to do his DJing stuff. Actions always speak louder than words, he’d tell me he loved me but would not make time to pick up phone calls, he told me 3 times that work trumps all sometimes and that I shouldn’t freak out about it, his new priorities were clear and I was at the bottom of it.
All the talks we had about making it work and how he’d fight for us and how he wanted to marry me, went down the drain in a quick few months – about 3.
All this to say that if you are going from CDR to LDR, make sure you establish serious rules, have MANY back up plans. In our case, luck and timing was against us, anything and everything that could go wrong.. did. He claims he couldn’t bring his personal laptop on work trips nor get Skype on his work computer (although someone else at that company told me you can but they work in different departments) and the cell phone provider he’s with blocks Skype on the phone. Meeting half way never worked, even when I would drop my expectations and needs.
I jump back and forth between regret and I should've done this or that and we weren’t meant to be but it’s hard to accept either.
Hope I worded this correctly. Sending hugs your way.
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