Date nights and spending time with friends

[Kiyama]

Is wasn't sure how to title this thread but my SO and I have been discussing this issue and we're kind of stuck so I'm looking for some advice here.

For those who don't know. We have a nine hour time difference and we both work full time so talk time during the week is limited. There are weeks we get to talk quite a bit but then weeks we hardly get a few minutes. We have a weekly date night, for me Sunday nights, for him Sunday morning, on which we cook together and play games or do other fun stuff. I feel like this is super important to give our relationship some normality and the chance to grow. There were rare occasions it didn't happen like once he was away for work or when him or me were ill and not able to talk for too long. That's fine because I know sometimes it can't be helped.

So my SO has a very stressful job and he doesn't get to go out much because of that. Neither during the week and more then often nor at weekends because of work emergencies. He was now been invited to go to Napa to visit a couple's family he's friends with next weekend. That could mean we wouldn't be able to have our date because he wouldn't be home Sunday morning. Now I'm torn. Of course I want him to be able to spend time with friends and we also get to see each other four days after that for real ( ).

On the other hand I know I'd be sad and disappointed. I also make sacrifices, saying no to friends who wanted to do something on Sunday nights, even on special occasions so for example I don't get to see a good friend of mine for the whole summer and tonight would be my last chance but I didn't even think about cancelling date night with my SO. What is left if we start putting friends over our relationship? I know it isn't exactly like that and he tells me it doesn't mean he puts them over me but at the same time I can't help but feel this way. I have understanding but at the same time I'm worried about our relationship if we let it become a habit that the only time we get to spend some hours together and have fun can get easily cancelled because of friends. He doesn't see it as a big deal but in my head that would be the beginning of the end (I also know it sounds a bit dramatic but I do have some insecurities with regard to that)

So I'm torn because I do understand his situation but I'm worried about us at the same time. What do you think we should do? How important is date night for you and what are good reasons for you to cancel?

[Zephii]

We actually never had a date night, so I might be the wrong person to comment here, but I think a planned cancel, once in a blue moon is good for the relationship. I don't think it's the beginning of the end or any of that. I think it depends why too.. like cancelling to go to the pub with a local friend? No. Planning to go away for a whole weekend? Yes.

See the thing is, your date night is smack in the middle of the weekend, in a way that stops a lot of other things, and when you work the rest of the week solid, it's nice to have something different to look forward to, and to talk to your SO about.

Additionally, you's are having a visit four days after. I don't know what others do, but Obi and I always had a quiet period before visits, where we'd catch up with fam/friends instead.

[Snowlilly]

I don't think I would begrudge him his time in Napa especially since you will have 4 days with him, although I know how it is when you are looking forward to a planned thing and then it doesn't work out.

[ChibiFelicia]

We never really have date nights. Its hard to spend time together during the week but we're in a slightly different situation. For us, if we wanted to go out with friends we do and just talk another time. Like this weekend i went out but i came home early and left my friends so i could speak to him for a bit before i had to go to bed. For me personally i wouldnt sacrifice all my time for my man and nor would he for me. I only go out about once a month and it works out for us.

Im kinda like zephii, we have a quiet time before we are due to see each other so we can catch up with friends and or family. I also agree that i dont feel like it's the beginning of the end.

[Zapookie]

I don't think you should hold this against him. This is a one off thing, and you'll be seeing him 4 days after. And like Zephii said, it's not as if he's going down to the pub for a drink with friends.

[Haley53]

We actually never had a date night, so I might be the wrong person to comment here, but I think a planned cancel, once in a blue moon is good for the relationship. I don't think it's the beginning of the end or any of that. I think it depends why too.. like cancelling to go to the pub with a local friend? No. Planning to go away for a whole weekend? Yes.

See the thing is, your date night is smack in the middle of the weekend, in a way that stops a lot of other things, and when you work the rest of the week solid, it's nice to have something different to look forward to, and to talk to your SO about.

Additionally, you's are having a visit four days after. I don't know what others do, but Obi and I always had a quiet period before visits, where we'd catch up with fam/friends instead.

This.

My SO and I have a stretch of time during the summer when he goes to a four-day long concert (it's not happening this summer due to him not having the money), and we're lucky if we get to chat once during that time. However, the circumstances are a bit special. It's not like he's sacrificing our time in favour of going out drinking with friends or like he's sacrificing it to go out with friends, locally, at all. It's an event that happens once a year. I feel it's a similar situation with your SO. I'm assuming it's not everyday he gets invited to a weekend get-away, and it's not like he's cancelling to do something with a friend he could do on, for example, a Friday. It's not like bidding him off and saying "have a good time!" is all of a sudden going to make some lightbulb go on in his head that he can cancel dates whenever now, either.

You also can't hold it against him because you turned down hanging out with a friend. We should do things in relationships because we want to, because we're choosing to do them regardless of the outcome, not because we're exemplifying the behaviour we want to be shown. To me it sounds like you're dreading something that hasn't even happened yet. He's been invited for a weekend getaway and you're seeing him four days after that. Why does that have to mean your Skype dates will be easily cancelled in the future? Say Sunday was, for you, a close relative's or friend's wedding, a funeral, something of significance; would you turn it down for your SO? Probably not. That doesn't mean you'd all of a sudden be cancelling for every Sally and Joe.

Personally, I would say don't prevent him from going. If you have an issue with his going, there may be resentment that boils over during your visit. It'd be one thing if this happened every week, if being invited for a weekend stay in Napa happened regularly, and if you weren't seeing him four days later, but this time, I think you should let him go. Tightening the reigns is no way to work with an insecurity, if it's an insecurity you ultimately hope to get over, and I would say that this case falls under the case of an exception. I don't do date nights, but things like these are counted as exceptions for if we do or don't get to talk.

[Kiyama]

You are all so right. And I know ultimately I'm not the person who could "forbid" him to go. I could never do such a thing. I think it's more my own insecurities that push me in a negative thinking spiral that leads me to assume the worst (i.e. "the beginning of the end"). The problem is that in such moments all my rationality is switched off and I'm just full of these depressed emotions I'm working on getting it under control though and at least now I know when it's happening. There were times it would be much worse. I've made progress.

Additionally, you's are having a visit four days after. I don't know what others do, but Obi and I always had a quiet period before visits, where we'd catch up with fam/friends instead.

Zephii, that's a nice idea. My mum has her birthday next weekend so I could stay another night. I'm sure it would make her happy. I didn't see it from that perspective.

For me personally i wouldnt sacrifice all my time for my man and nor would he for me. I only go out about once a month and it works out for us.

No I agree you shouldn't really do that. The time difference makes it easier and I'm more flexible time wise with regard to my job so I get to see my friends a lot. He on the other hand doesn't and I do agree it would be cruel to deny him this pleasure.

It's an event that happens once a year. I feel it's a similar situation with your SO. I'm assuming it's not everyday he gets invited to a weekend get-away, and it's not like he's cancelling to do something with a friend he could do on, for example, a Friday. It's not like bidding him off and saying "have a good time!" is all of a sudden going to make some lightbulb go on in his head that he can cancel dates whenever now, either.

This. One of my worst fears with this issue. The light bulb metaphor is awesome! And I know this fear is entirely made up in my head and not because I have a real reason to have these worries. I _know_ these are special circumstances and it is an exception. The thing is that it's very hard to counter these emotions with rationality. I can tell myself these things but it's cognitive thinking that doesn't adress my emotions. I haven't found a way yet what to do in such situations but I'm working on that as well.

[Haley53]

I've learned that the only way to tackle these types of anxiety situations is conditioning. Replacing each negative thought with a positive thought can get tedious, and though I do believe thought patterns that lead to excessive anxiety can ultimately be changed, I also realise that it's more than simple exercises that get you to that point. It can take a while before you're even able to stop, breathe, and re-focus, let alone disspell the negative thoughts completely. But with that said, restricting him from going would only coddle your insecurity and foster your anxiety for the future. I do feel that breaking down the anxiety partially has to come from being put in the anxious situation, and then seeing that nothing negative comes of it. He leaves, he comes back, your date nights stay the same... You have enough situations where you're forced to face it, and there's a positive outcome, and you start being able to recognise a pattern. It takes time before you internalise it, but with every time you see that positive outcome, and your fears are deemed irrational even after having been put in the situation (not simply your brain telling you they are), you gain a little bit more leverage against the negative thoughts. Eventually, you become conditioned into not worrying anymore. In a situation where it doesn't happen often enough to be conditioned quickly, you will still at least gain leverage against the negative thoughts in the future and start drawing new conclusions and making new associations with the situation as is.

[Zephii]

The problem is that in such moments all my rationality is switched off and I'm just full of these depressed emotions I'm working on getting it under control though and at least now I know when it's happening. There were times it would be much worse. I've made progress.

This kind of self awareness is awesome Good on you, and keep working at it!