When to communicate and when to keep quiet?

[redapple]

Hi everyone,

Just a quick message as I'm at work but it's about something thats been playing on my mind for a while now. Some of you might know that I'm a bit of a fraud and I'm actually close distance at the moment prior to an impending 18 month move to Singapore (him not me) and I've been struggling pretty badly with this.

I've been pretty negative, which I massively regret as I know from experience that a positive attitude is much more attractive. Anyway basically I've been saying stuff implying that I think we will break up, he's been excellent about this and doesn't really have any worries but I've constantly been worrying and asking him if he's sure he wants to stay together, implying that we will change. Even saying stuff like if I visit rather than when. I've just been turning a bit mental which is something I really don't like about myself.

Anyway on Saturday I had another negative spell and repeated a lot of the stuff I'd already talked to him about. And basically I seem to be pulling him down with me. He was still upbeat but he was more like if you can't handle it there will be no hard feelings if we break up and that he feels that we are more likely to break up when he gets back due to one or both of us changing. Post this I felt terrible, like I was damaging my own relationship for no reason at all.

So after he'd gone to work I wrote a letter with the intention of giving it to him. But after writing it I found that I felt much more positive and as the point of the letter was to not dwell in the negative I didn't give him it.

So before this gets mega long my basic question is what to people think about not communicating your unhappiness in order to maintain your relationship/ the happiness of your other half?

Like to be honest I'm still unhappy, I'd like more reassurances and I'm jealous of friends who are moving in together where as for us that's at least 2years away and thats not even likely. But these aren't things he can solve so is it wise to keep talking to him about them?!

[Moon]

Of course communication is key and all, but I think when there's a situation you can't really do much about, there's no point in beating a dead horse. Of course you aren't happy about it, but you can't change it; you've made your SO aware of how you feel, and he can't change it, so don't ruin the time you have left before he moves. It's OK to talk about fears and things, but it can't be the main topic of your conversations from here on out, enjoy the time you have.

Think of how frustrating it's gotta be for your SO as well, you're upset and he can't fix it. That's hard. And, every time he talks to you, you're telling him again how unhappy you are, and he still can't fix, eventually he's going to get really tired of hearing about it and it could cause some resentment from him and a rift in your relationship. 18 months goes by awfully fast, if you want the relationship to work, make sure he leaves on a good note, it will help. Yes, you'll get sad, lonely, bored, etc. but it's only temporary. Remember that to try and keep upbeat. Good luck.

[Haley53]

I agree with Moon. Constant negativity is taxing, especially when it's something neither one of you can do anything about. There's also a difference between "communicating" and beating a dead horse to obtain reassurance without putting an active effort into working on your own mood and private outlook. It's similar to people who have issues trusting their partner or who don't feel attractive to their partner. They can complain about both of these things over and over again, and their partner can reassure them, but eventually, it comes down to a point where they either work on it or they don't, but the partner gets irritated going over and over and over something that never changes or that can't be changed without the willing consent and active participation of their other half. In this case, your partner can only reassure you so much. The other side to that is, you have to work on your outlook if you want anything to change. His reassurance isn't going to do it for you. What he's originally said is that you'll both find a way to make it work. Now it's up to you to work on figuring out how, and on changing your positive outlook to match his. I've found that one person's doubt for the relationship can quickly become the other's, and I would guess you don't want him to leave with you both doubting the final outcome. I of course advocate communicating one's needs, but when you find yourself needing frequent and constant reassurance, I've found that that's your cue to do some introspection, because that's typically an issue within yourself that only you can correct/work on.

[Katrina]

Big sympathetic smile for you redapple. I get spells like that and whilst I completely agree with everything Moon and Eclaire said and I think it was really sound advice i know first hand how difficult it can be to action that advice.
One of the things that drew my man and I together in the first place was the fact that we intuitively knew what the other was thinking or about to say and could always always make each other laugh. We spent two weeks in Orlando last year laughing endlessly and behaving like teenagers and in Minnesota in December a waiter in a restaurant came to tell us there was far too much laughter coming from our table (I think he was joking)
Conversely the last time I was there in April I had lots of really down spells and would often just find myself trying to hide tears. I think I just became overwhelmed with the enormity of our plans to close the distance in a couple of years (we're in our forties with kids, careers, elderly parents and 101 other things going on) and began to doubt whether it was actually going to be possible.
Even though we are good and strong and very much in love I still find it difficult not to go on sometimes about my doubts and insecurities. I try to remind myself that the joy and laughter and happiness in the relationship were a part of what made it special and I have as much responsibility for maintaining that as he does. I also make a point of telling him when I feel I have felt really loved and connected to him (We had a great date with beer and music on Skype Friday night then Saturday night we didn't speak much but left skype on while he watched a movie and I read a book) Last night I made a point of telling him I felt content and happy.
I think what I'm saying is, for me, its okay to say in an honest way that you are scared about the future but you really have to work at not letting that be what your time together is about....... Good luck

[Jessipoo]

Well communication can sometimes be hindered by the distance and busyness and stress in each persons life. In this case it seems he has been good with reassuring you so next time you get that feeling, as hard as it may be sleep on it. Write it in a diary. You may wake up to a different feeling.