confused about communication

[nurseliberty]

I'm really confused lately with my fiancé's communication habits. It's really bothering me, but I don't know if I'm just over-reacting to it, or not. Being on chemo and having my hormones all messed up has definitely made me feel more emotional, so I really would like to know if I'm just over-reacting to this or have a legit concern.

About 3 weeks ago, I didn't have the money to pay my cell phone bill. I knew it was going to be cut off, and I told him so. HOwever, he has my house number, to call me on that. We have email. I asked him to get a webcam so we could Skype, as that would really help me financially. During those 3 weeks, I was in the hospital twice, once for an emergency surgery. I never heard from him. I had emailed him to know what was going on, but never got a reply. I eventually just stopped trying to contact him because it was bothering me, and I've been sleeping so very much lately.

The week of my birthday, I got my phone turned back on. Since that time, we've only been able to talk once. He works pretty much every other night for 24 hours (firefighter), so those nights are hard to talk, and that's normal for us. But it seems that after such a long time of no communication, it really bothers me now that on his off days he "falls asleep".

For instance, three nights ago, he wanted to Skype with me and the kids. He finally got a webcam and installed the program so we could Skype. When the time came to Skype, i couldn't reach him by phone or text. The following morning, he told me he was sorry, he had fell asleep. Last night, again, the same thing happened. He had told the kids he would Skype tonight, and they were all excited...and then, nothing. Him and I were texting, and I told him once the kids were ready for bed, I'd call and we could Skype. I tried to call, no answer. Tried to text, no answer. This morning, got a text that once again, he "fell asleep".

I get that people fall asleep. I know I've been guilty of that a lot lately. But, on nights we're due to talk, I do my best to make sure I can talk, even if for a minute. Because we don't talk everyday, I really feel that's important. Pretty much a month has gone by, and I've only gotten one email from him. My birthday came and went, and he was talking up how he was going to spoil me rotten. I've gotten nothing. Not even a card. When he asked how my birthday was, and asked what I got, I told him my friend Mike had sent me a teddy bear and some magazines and stuff for the days I'm in chemo. He sounded like it bothered him, but he knows my friend and he's overseas right now. I also told him the kids had made me some cards and a cake.

I am just really bothered by his behavior lately. I do not have a good prognosis, and he's been so upset by that. I've told him how depressed I've been. To not get any calls while I was in the hospital, or even an email, etc, really bothered me. I know he's trying to get his retirement papers in so he can get up here permanently, but I'm so tired of him promising me things and not following through. I put a lot of effort into his birthday this year. Even though I was sick and not working, I spent 3 days cooking brownies and cookies for him. He loves food. The kids and I baked dozens of cookies, etc, and we ended up sending about 6 dozen cookies. I also sent a few cards, wrote a few letters, sent him some pictures of me and the kids, as well as some landscape pictures he has mentioned he liked (that I post on Facebook). My kids put a few little trinkets in there for him, too. It was heavy so it cost 20 dollars just to send it . I spent about 100 dollars in total buying everything, and to ship it. Not much, but I put a lot of love into it. My income is nonexistent right now, so I am struggling. To not get anything from him for my birthday really hurts. I don't know how to tell him that without sounding like an ungrateful person.

It feels good to get all this out. When I ask him about scheduling a better time to talk, since he seems to fall asleep on everyday we are to talk together, he apologizes profusely and says we'll figure it out. But nothing really ever changes. It's really bothering me and I don't know how to bring it up. I know my emotions are all over the map lately, and I don't want to take things out on him if I'm being unreasonable. When we do talk, everything is great. He can be so kind, funny, etc. But lately his frequent "falling asleep" on the nights we're due to talk is bugging me. He knows it bothers me but yet nothing is chaining, and I am stuck not knowing what else to do.

Any advice is welcome. I"m sorry if I repeated myself a lot here, I am really not having a very good day. I feel like I'm in a fog and can't think straight. I really want to get my thoughts straight before I talk to him about this, because it's really bothering me.

[redapple]

Firstly as I now how nice it can be to hear it when you're unsure- I personally do not feel you are in anyway overreacting. If anything you sound like a saint!

Not even getting a card or a phone call on your birthday is just neglectful. especially as due to treatment I can imagine a little pick me up would have been lovely. I can see how if he's exhausted, which he does sound, then he might be having real trouble saying awake when not at work, could he maybe be a bit depressed too? Life sounds hard for you both at the moment. But consistently letting you and the kids down for over a month just doesn't seem acceptable. This isn't some young and care free love, he's committed himself to marriage and a life with you, personally I feel he needs to massively up his game.

I'd ask him why he's found it so hard to keep in contact over the last few months and then judge from there whether you think his reasoning it adequate.

Good luck and be brave sometimes things need to be said and I wish you the best in your treatment!

[Kristin91]

I don't think you're overreacting at all. If my boyfriend (or fiance in your case) suddenly kept falling asleep when we were supposed to talk, forgot my birthday, and barely communicated in a month I'd definitely be pissed off. My best advice is to send him a long email (since you can't seem to be able to actually talk) about everything that you wrote here, and just ask what's up. Maybe it's just that he's been working a lot, or staying up when he should be sleeping, or worried about you, or a combination... Don't be afraid to ask for straight answers, and don't settle for anything less! Good luck! And good luck with your chemo (hugs)

[Haley53]

In addition to what the others have said, could it be possible that he's struggling with depression? When I was younger, my father was home one evening a week. He worked as a police officer. On Thursday evenings, he would come home, we'd spend 30 minutes max together before he'd have my mother cook him dinner while he napped, and then he'd proceed to mindlessly watch a movie and drink or sleep. Sleep won out most of the time. Sometimes we didn't even get to spend our time together before he'd laid down to rest. I couldn't, at such a young age, fathom why my father slept so much. As a "pre-teen," I couldn't understand why he slept when we didn't get time to spend together at all. He had downtime at work. He wasn't working gruelling hours. Why was he sacrificing our precious time with him? Even though he's no longer in my life, I realise now that he was simply too depressed. It was that he was incapable. As hard as it is to come to terms with the situation, he was so chronically depressed that without making the move to go get professional help, there was nothing I could have done; it was all on him, to find help for his clinical depression.

I'm not suggesting that your SO is clinically depressed (this diagnosis is over-diagnosed, though I suppose a diagnosis has to be given to be able to legally prescribe medication) but rather that he might be experiencing a bout of depression that's leaving him so exhausted to the point he can't help but fall asleep? That he can't motivate himself to follow through on what he says he's going to? It is, of course, no excuse, and if he is experiencing depression to that degree (could it be in response to your chemo? Your own depression? Maybe he's having a hard time dealing with it from afar?), then he should be seeing someone for it, but have you asked him how his mood has been lately? He's simply acting a lot like my father, and my father struggled with chronic depression, which is the only reason it's come to mind. I do agree with the others, though, about communication, but if he's going through a bout of depression, he's unlikely to be motivated to make the changes he wants to simply because depression can get that crippling.

[temporaryuser]

my ex husband and my current SO are both firefighters. I can underastand him being tired, as I am dealing with that with SO now. And it sucks when they work 24 hours and you cant talk to them while they are working.
That being said, maybe he is having a hard time dealing with what you are going thru? Maybe he doesnt know how to express how he is feeling about it, and not talking to you is the easiest way for him to deal with it? Will he communicate in other ways besides skype? Maybe see if he would be more comfortable talking in another way until you can figure out what is going on./

[digitalfever]

I don't know if this is the case but could he be pulling away due to your illness. I could understand that due to stress he may be temporarily withdrawing to deal with emotions related to the ups and down of your illness. You said you were in the hospital and that is when you didn't hear a thing from him. I could see that he may have been stressed, worried, scared etc... and withdrew from the situation and you completely. He seems to be reaching out when the communication is on his terms so I can understand that maybe he's trying to protect himself.

I don't know... I'd be pissed of regardless of the situation.

[Manlad]

Hi. I first want to say that I hope everything works it self out. I know communication issues are the worst. But I'll give some of my insight.
I'm a training firefighter and one of the things they stressed to us was the critical incident stress. We heard countless stories of traumatic calls firefighter experience. They truly are some horrible things that happen. Where I am, they have services to help us deal with the things we see. I am not sure about where he is. Anyways, if you guys don't talk about his daily work too much, you might want to try. Sleeping may be his way to deal with it. I know I try to sleep stress away, from time to time. So. Yeah. Lol. Try talking to him about it because holding things in can be really hard on someone. Obviously, you know how forward you can be about the subject, but it may be worth the effort.

I hope anything I said was helpful. Good luck!