First post, needing advice, just needing to vent
I really don't know where to start. My bf and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I'm 23 and he is 21 We had become LD after I got accepted into graduate school in a different state, after 8 months of dating CD. Last summer I lived with his family because I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before we had to be apart. We only have to be apart for 2 years until we both finish school. Everything was great when we were together, but we started fighting while I was staying with his family. I felt like he was just doing exactly what his parents wanted and wasn't taking my opinion or wants into account.
Well I moved 3 and half hours away and things were a little rocky at first. I am a person that needs quality time to feel loved and LDRs are not good for that. But we adjusted and I drove to see him at least once a month. I kept asking for him to come to see me, as I live alone in an one bedroom apartment and he lives in the dorms with a roommate. He refused to come, and only came twice to see me, saying that it was more convenient for me to come to him, since my classes ended up being online. So I didn't mind going to see him and he was always texting, IMing, Skyping, and calling me. We were both struggling with being apart and helping each other cope with it.
In December, it was his 21st birthday and I wanted to plan a trip to the beach, since it would be cheaper in the off season. I planned everything out, but I knew that his parents would not be happy about us going to the beach. His mother is very controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. And his father goes along with whatever she says so not to make her angry. She had already told him that she was planning a party with her friends for his birthday. He didn't want to go, so I told him about my beach plan. He said that his mother would never approve, so I emailed her my plan and asked if we could go. I asked to be respectful. The next day I got a call from my bf telling me that his mother had called him and yelled at him for me asking if we could go. He said that she said no, so we couldn't go. I was upset, I had done everything but pay for the hotel. I had everything planned out. But I still went to him for his birthday and we had a nice time.
Then at New Years, he came to me for 3 days. We had planned for him to stay for a week and then go back to school. But his mother told him that he could not stay for a week and called him after 3 days and demanded he come home. We fought and he ended up leaving because he didn't want to upset her. The same thing happened for Spring Break. I took off work for a week and he came to me for 3 days. We had planned for him to spend his whole break here, but again what we wanted was overridden by his parent's wants. I was furious and ended up screaming at him in the parking lot as he drove away, for which he says I embarrassed him and continues to hold it over me.
So things get bumpy and we continue to argue but can make up. We are able to talk through things and make compromises, as long as his parents are not involved. This summer I asked him to come and stay with me in my apartment for 3 months. It would have been perfect, we could have connected and worked together before our last year of school. When I asked back in May, I was told by my bf that if he moved here with me then his parents would kick him out and take away everything he owns. They would take his car, his clothes and no longer help him get the loans he needs (although they do not plan on helping him pay them back). I told him that we could work through his parent's anger together and if they really did kick him out, we could replace the things they took from him. But he would not budge on coming to stay with me. He went home for the summer and I continued to ask for him to come here. He was always too busy with his summer job and the list of chores that his mother gave him. He is always saying how much he misses me and how miserable he is at home. But I feel like I gave him another option to get out of that situation but he refuses to take it.
I went to his parent's house over the 4th of July holiday, he hadn't even tried to come to see me. I asked him to come with me, after all he had completed all the things that he had planned for the summer. He still refused and told me that he couldn't stand the guilt of losing his family if he came with me. His father is older and shouldn't be doing much after his heart attack, but his mother doesn't care. They try to guilt both their sons by telling them that they are not good sons if they don't do what their mother tells them. And that if they don't do the yardwork and parties that his mother plans, then his father will have to do it and then will die. Its ridiculous for his mother to have that much control over him, she also does not like me because of the email about the beach. I finally ended up asking him to choose me or his family because that is how they have made it. He choose his family and told me to go home. We were able to talk and although we are both still mad, we decided to stay together.
We have been arguing and fighting since May. I have thought about breaking up and have even told him so. Each time we talk about it, we both agree that we can work through anything and that things have to get better. When he goes home, he becomes a different person, one who is distant and only thinks of what his parents want. I don't know what to do anymore
. I feel like he isn't even trying to do anything to make being apart easier and he refuses to choose what we want over his parents wants. I have been depressed and crying for 2 and a half months now. I love him very much and he says that he loves me. He says that he just needs time to get an emergency plan for when his parents do kick him out. Our plan is to move where I get a job next year and he will follow me and get a job there as well. But I no longer believe that he will actually come with me. He does not take my feelings and opinions into account and would rather hurt me then go against his parents. I do not think it is fair that we cannot compromise the way we should be able to because of his parents. He says that he wants to be with me and wants to come here to stay but that the consequences are too much for him to handle. Our communication has also dropped off, as his parents do not respect his privacy and will come into his room whenever they feel like it. He can't even text me during the day because he is always doing something for his mother.
I have told him how I feel and he just listens and tells me to stop crying all the time. Now we are just dancing around each other and trying not to make the other mad. He is supposed to be coming here to see me this weekend, but its already been pushed back. He is coming Friday morning and leaving Sunday afternoon. Thats not a lot of time to work through our problems. Any advice would be appreciated. Can we work through all the problems we have?
Well I moved 3 and half hours away and things were a little rocky at first. I am a person that needs quality time to feel loved and LDRs are not good for that. But we adjusted and I drove to see him at least once a month. I kept asking for him to come to see me, as I live alone in an one bedroom apartment and he lives in the dorms with a roommate. He refused to come, and only came twice to see me, saying that it was more convenient for me to come to him, since my classes ended up being online. So I didn't mind going to see him and he was always texting, IMing, Skyping, and calling me. We were both struggling with being apart and helping each other cope with it.
In December, it was his 21st birthday and I wanted to plan a trip to the beach, since it would be cheaper in the off season. I planned everything out, but I knew that his parents would not be happy about us going to the beach. His mother is very controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. And his father goes along with whatever she says so not to make her angry. She had already told him that she was planning a party with her friends for his birthday. He didn't want to go, so I told him about my beach plan. He said that his mother would never approve, so I emailed her my plan and asked if we could go. I asked to be respectful. The next day I got a call from my bf telling me that his mother had called him and yelled at him for me asking if we could go. He said that she said no, so we couldn't go. I was upset, I had done everything but pay for the hotel. I had everything planned out. But I still went to him for his birthday and we had a nice time.
Then at New Years, he came to me for 3 days. We had planned for him to stay for a week and then go back to school. But his mother told him that he could not stay for a week and called him after 3 days and demanded he come home. We fought and he ended up leaving because he didn't want to upset her. The same thing happened for Spring Break. I took off work for a week and he came to me for 3 days. We had planned for him to spend his whole break here, but again what we wanted was overridden by his parent's wants. I was furious and ended up screaming at him in the parking lot as he drove away, for which he says I embarrassed him and continues to hold it over me.
So things get bumpy and we continue to argue but can make up. We are able to talk through things and make compromises, as long as his parents are not involved. This summer I asked him to come and stay with me in my apartment for 3 months. It would have been perfect, we could have connected and worked together before our last year of school. When I asked back in May, I was told by my bf that if he moved here with me then his parents would kick him out and take away everything he owns. They would take his car, his clothes and no longer help him get the loans he needs (although they do not plan on helping him pay them back). I told him that we could work through his parent's anger together and if they really did kick him out, we could replace the things they took from him. But he would not budge on coming to stay with me. He went home for the summer and I continued to ask for him to come here. He was always too busy with his summer job and the list of chores that his mother gave him. He is always saying how much he misses me and how miserable he is at home. But I feel like I gave him another option to get out of that situation but he refuses to take it.
I went to his parent's house over the 4th of July holiday, he hadn't even tried to come to see me. I asked him to come with me, after all he had completed all the things that he had planned for the summer. He still refused and told me that he couldn't stand the guilt of losing his family if he came with me. His father is older and shouldn't be doing much after his heart attack, but his mother doesn't care. They try to guilt both their sons by telling them that they are not good sons if they don't do what their mother tells them. And that if they don't do the yardwork and parties that his mother plans, then his father will have to do it and then will die. Its ridiculous for his mother to have that much control over him, she also does not like me because of the email about the beach. I finally ended up asking him to choose me or his family because that is how they have made it. He choose his family and told me to go home. We were able to talk and although we are both still mad, we decided to stay together.
We have been arguing and fighting since May. I have thought about breaking up and have even told him so. Each time we talk about it, we both agree that we can work through anything and that things have to get better. When he goes home, he becomes a different person, one who is distant and only thinks of what his parents want. I don't know what to do anymore
. I feel like he isn't even trying to do anything to make being apart easier and he refuses to choose what we want over his parents wants. I have been depressed and crying for 2 and a half months now. I love him very much and he says that he loves me. He says that he just needs time to get an emergency plan for when his parents do kick him out. Our plan is to move where I get a job next year and he will follow me and get a job there as well. But I no longer believe that he will actually come with me. He does not take my feelings and opinions into account and would rather hurt me then go against his parents. I do not think it is fair that we cannot compromise the way we should be able to because of his parents. He says that he wants to be with me and wants to come here to stay but that the consequences are too much for him to handle. Our communication has also dropped off, as his parents do not respect his privacy and will come into his room whenever they feel like it. He can't even text me during the day because he is always doing something for his mother.I have told him how I feel and he just listens and tells me to stop crying all the time. Now we are just dancing around each other and trying not to make the other mad. He is supposed to be coming here to see me this weekend, but its already been pushed back. He is coming Friday morning and leaving Sunday afternoon. Thats not a lot of time to work through our problems. Any advice would be appreciated. Can we work through all the problems we have?
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