Feeling unsure...

[SDPersona]

Hi everybody!

Sorry, I've not been on the forums much because boyfriend is with me. Now after some time spent together I desperately need to get my thoughts out of my mind and your advice.

My boyfriend and me got into an LDR a year and a half ago and we dealt fine with the distance after a while. Almost two weeks ago he came to visit me and it was weird the first few days. I thought it would go away soon and we'd be talking like usual. That didn't happen. The thing is, we didn't stay at my place for long because his two sisters and brother in law were waiting for us in Rome. We're having a vacation traveling all over Europe for two weeks. Now I like his family and I thought I'd be fine, but it turned out I wasn't. We got to hold hands and be kissy and we got to make out in bed at night. That wasn't enough for me. The intimacy was missing and I felt like his family is interfering in the deepening of our bond. It's like having chaperones. We couldn't have sex nor could I be comfortable around him. I hated it. It made me start having doubts about our relationship and it got so bad, that I had the nightmare of my boyfriend disappearing in front of my eyes. It made me cry. The very next day I told my boyfriend my worries and made him promise me to tell me his true feelings when this is over which it would be on the 28th.

I got my worries out in the air and decided to wait with any decision regarding this relationship however unsure I'm feeling about it. It might be just me overreacting. Or it's what's my gut is telling me. That that is a lost cause. I don't know anymore. All I know is the fact that this vacation is anything but what I expected. Anybody have had similar experiences? Or somebody have some wise words?

[ordbkk89]

First off, a few questions...

1) maybe a silly question since you say it's been a year and a half, but is it safe to assume that this isn't the first time you've been together in person? If not, have you taken a while to adjust to being together in past visit? also, was communication "weird" prior to this trip?

2) Is this the first time you are meeting/spending more time with his family?

3) It seems like you are either sharing hotel rooms with his family or at least in close enough quarter to where sex is awkward...any chance of finding a different hotel or place to stay that gives you 2 some more privacy?

I can understand your anxiety as seeing your SO all of the time is not a luxury we have- we want to make the most of time together. Sometimes it can even seem stressful since there always seems to be a countdown of some sort! Having these worries during the time you are "supposed" to be enjoying each other's company is undoubtedly stressful. I think it's good that you are comfortable enough to open up to your SO, even though you are kind of hanging out on a ledge waiting for an answer and chance to fully discuss it.

Here's my best advice- this anxiety stinks, but try your very best to enjoy this time. Even in a general sense! You are able to explore Europe and take time to see new things, have different adventures. Really engage on the new experiences you get to have- different sites, sounds, smells, and mmmm all the different foods you get to try

I truly hope you and your SO are able to work this out and find out what caused all of this anxiety in the first place so that you are able to fix it. However, not to be a wet blanket or insensitive, if this wasn't meant to be, then at least you were able to see a different part of the world and get to know YOURSELF a little better and see that it is possible to make the best of any situation. Good luck and please let us know how it works out, if it suits you! *HUGS*

[SDPersona]

First off, a few questions...

1) maybe a silly question since you say it's been a year and a half, but is it safe to assume that this isn't the first time you've been together in person? If not, have you taken a while to adjust to being together in past visit? also, was communication "weird" prior to this trip

We fell in I love CD, but we didn't get to dating much. That started LD by talking to each other over Skype. So I'm not sure if we're now adjusting or if I'm now finding out this isn't the kind of relationship I want. I've also thought that maybe we're finally out of honeymoon phase?! Point is I'm not very sure now about this relationship. I've never been in a relationship longer than a year before.
Communication was natural on Skype, but now it's very low. I'm a rather quiet person and talk whenever i want to. Is that normal?

2) Is this the first time you are meeting/spending more time with his family?

I met his family when we met, so we know each other. A bit.

3) It seems like you are either sharing hotel rooms with his family or at least in close enough quarter to where sex is awkward...any chance of finding a different hotel or place to stay that gives you 2 some more privacy?

Yes, that was the case. I understood, that we couldn't then, but i'm hoping we're able soon. Actually, we're on our way now and we're going to have some privacy. Finally! Still, that doesn't mean if we're going to be fine as a couple..

I can understand your anxiety as seeing your SO all of the time is not a luxury we have- we want to make the most of time together. Sometimes it can even seem stressful since there always seems to be a countdown of some sort! Having these worries during the time you are "supposed" to be enjoying each other's company is undoubtedly stressful. I think it's good that you are comfortable enough to open up to your SO, even though you are kind of hanging out on a ledge waiting for an answer and chance to fully discuss it.

Here's my best advice- this anxiety stinks, but try your very best to enjoy this time. Even in a general sense! You are able to explore Europe and take time to see new things, have different adventures. Really engage on the new experiences you get to have- different sites, sounds, smells, and mmmm all the different foods you get to try

I truly hope you and your SO are able to work this out and find out what caused all of this anxiety in the first place so that you are able to fix it. However, not to be a wet blanket or insensitive, if this wasn't meant to be, then at least you were able to see a different part of the world and get to know YOURSELF a little better and see that it is possible to make the best of any situation. Good luck and please let us know how it works out, if it suits you! *HUGS*

You hit the nail on the head! I've been trying hard since the day I opened up to my SO but frustration still gets to me sometimes. Also, I'm prepared that it may not work out. I went on this vacation with this attitude, but I'm hoping for the best. Thank you for your advice!

[Haley53]

As ordbkk89 mentioned, I can understand your anxiety. When my SO was here on a two week holiday and came down with a toothache that pained him for a few nights of his visit, I did experience anxiety and heartbreak over it, considering the pain was so bad that it wasn't even comfortable for him to cuddle with me. :/ Not having that intimacy even for a night would have been enough to send me into a tailspin, considering it'd been six months since we'd seen each other and that was our only visit for another 4-5.

At the same time, I also have a couple questions:

1. I'm grateful that you both are going to be able to have your privacy, but being 25, while I understand you're on the trip with his family, why can't you two wander off on your own? Do some things with the family but propose that you get your own time to explore with your SO? Come up with a meeting place for dinner or even the hotel? I should think that you're both old enough that his family would understand that.

2. Why is it that you're starting to feel this might not be the type of relationship that you want? There's nothing wrong with being comfortable or with being quiet (my SO and I have our moments of space/quiet even on our visits!), but though that can sometimes lead to doubts, I'm not sure it regularly leads to people wondering if they're in the right relationship with the right person.

That said, as a way of turning this around, why not look at the situation as a way of deepening the friendship and the connection you have with your SO? As a way of achieving intimacy without needing to be in the bedroom to have it? Yes, physical intimacy is nice, and I missed it when I didn't have it with my SO. It's painful, especially when your time spent physically with them is limited, but it doesn't have to be the only way you stay feeling connected and you stay feeling as though you have a sense of intimacy with the person. Those things can still be achieved with even the simplest touch or hand holding if you have a connection that runs deep enough. And your friendship/bond with the person can always be strengthened/worked on and it could even give you two something new to communicate about! Having that foundation, strengthening it, or getting back in touch with it can make things less scary when transitioning into the comfortable phase and can make silences more comfortable.

Being said, I think it's important to take some time to reflect on your feelings, when you can do so calmly, and decide if your tailspin is due to overwhelming emotions from a lack of being able to be intimate, or if your doubting the relationship actually has some merit behind it, seeing as you went into the holiday with the attitude you're reaping from it. Hang in there.

[Lilly9886]

I think it's normal to feel a bit "weird" with each other at first, especially when you didn't see each other for 1,5 years!! That's a long time!!
But the "weird" feeling should go away soon, just be yourself! I also think it's normal not to talk so much at first, because you see each other a lot and haven't much to tell each other, because you do things together!! I don't think it's a bad thing to not talk as much when you are close distance at first... it will all get to a "normal" stage soon!

And I think too, that you should get your own room, away from his family so you can enjoy each other more freely!

Also, how long is his family staying? How long are you traveling together? Will he come back with you after the trip to stay with you longer?

[digitalfever]

I think this was a great opportunity to become close and deepen your bond. You’re on vacation with his family. What better way to not only develop a closer relationship with man through doing activities together, seeing sights together and trying out new things than with him and his family. I understand that relationships also involve sex…. But to be honest sometimes you just can’t get your boogey on for whatever reasons. I think this was an ample opportunity to have an adventure with one another and create memories.
If there was a time to be silly and carefree now was the time to push an ice cream cone in his face, or to eat a whole cake while talking about life with one another or…dare I say it…. Spend an evening drinking wine and enjoying your surroundings.
I think intimacy takes on many different forms not just sexual ones and this was an opportunity to develop an intimate bond that wasn’t reliant on sex. Cuddling, holding hands, stroking a person’s hair and heck even giving someone an innocent massage is all part of intimacy and a growing bond.

[SDPersona]

Thanks everyone for your replie
Yesterday there was some new developments, which left me hanging in the air again. Also I'm going to shed some light on why I'm questioning this relationship, due to some very good questions.

I know, sex isn't that important and that things like hand holding or kissing are intimacy too. I also am working on strengthening this bond (going to use some of your friendship exercises, eclaire!), but that still isn't enough for me. One reason is my high sex drive. I'm a woman who enjoys sex and I'm very attracted to him which I told him. He on the other hand has a very low sex drive and there's a good reason from his point of view. I'm going to talk about that in a separate thread and it is part of the answer to your second question, eclaire.

Now about the family and the questions you asked in relation to it. We just spent two weeks together with his family and normally that is a great opportunity to get to know his family and just have fun. And we're definitely old enough to go out on our own for part of time, but we didn't. It's partly because it's their first time in Europe and they prefer to stay together. They are a rather tight knit family. I thought OK, it's just the first two weeks. No sex while family is here. The other reason is that I feel they really are acting as chaperons. The way they behave, the jokes... And the boy won't do something that his family doesn't want him to do.