Low Self-Esteem and an MIA Boyfriend

[tanaquil]

Hey, all! This is one of my first threads in this forum so I hope I'm doing all right.

I am just wondering if there are any tips to help yourself calm down, especially when you think your SO will leave you for another person/lose interest/cheat.

My boyfriend graduated from undergrad a few months ago and is going back to Texas, where his parents immigrated, for a PhD programme. We went to the same uni and I am currently on the East Coast. We have been "together" (though no official relationship start date) since about October and had a pretty rocky relationship that has only started to stable itself.

I have a few mental health issues and very low self-esteem.

The boyfriend is not the best at keeping in contact with almost anyone -- I think he makes a bigger effort with me than anybody else. Currently, he's back in Russia until August. He's been there for about a month and I've only received about 3 emails from him, with him saying he's been very busy and has very bad internet.

Without daily contact with him, my mind has started wandering. I keep on picturing him meeting some beautiful girl in grad school, losing interest in me because of distance, or just simply deciding he'd be better off not in an LDR.

I'm not particularly worried about him cheating on me -- when I'm logical, that is. He's been in an LDR before and, even though he only liked the girl as a friend from the start, didn't cheat. But when I'm emotional, well ... hahaha.

The catch is I'm studying abroad in Italy for the first semester, so won't be able to visit him (probably). I know he doesn't have the finances to come over to Europe. He's rather shoddy at planning things and, as a PhD candidate, will have a load of work to do so won't be able to accommodate me. Especially since he's living with his parents to save money.

Long, long rant...

But any words of advice? What do you do when you start freaking out?

Thanks!!! Much appreciated!
K.

[Anna N' Luc]

Personally, I wouldn't worry about him cheating. I get the low self-esteem thing but seeing as he has done this before (LDR) and even though that relationship wasn't great he still was faithful, I think you probably have nothing to worry about. I would talk to him about the lack of contact, tell him how you feel. There are4 other ways of communication, letters etc and even though those would take a long time to reach you, it really feels lovely to recieve a hand-written letter from your SO so that may be something that suits the both of you since he doesn't have a lot of time to write emails so letters would be something that you could probably expect a bit less frequently and still get that lovely feeling that he cares enough to write a hand-written letter.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for the both of you.

[tanaquil]

Thanks very much! And, yeah, a letter would be the most amazing thing! I just feel as though I'd seem crazy if I ask him for a letter -- he half-teases me for being a crazy girlfriend (I don't think he's had very involved relationships at all before).

Thank you though!

[Anna N' Luc]

Not a problem. I don't think it would be crazy for you to ask for a letter. Just tell him that you understand how busy he is but you feel a bit ignored and hurt that you get such little contact with him and you miss him then tell him that a better compromise would maybe be letter writing. Not only is it something he would only have to write every so often (depending on how the post from Russia is, maybe even less than he emails now) but it would make you feel loved and like he is putting an effort into the relationship.

Good luck!

[tanaquil]

Haha, thank you very much! I will try and do that. I just don't want to seem needy -- we've had major problems with him not "putting enough effort".

THANKS!

[Anna N' Luc]

You're a part of the relationship too. It's not just about what he wants, just like it can't be all about what you want. It needs to be a give and take for both of you.

[tanaquil]

Definitely.. thank you. /: He's had a very rough year so I kind of instinctively bent over for him in fear of stressing him out more. Ack, sorry for the trouble. Thank you!

[Sora1101]

This is my usual way of handling any kind of panic attack or stressful situation when I over think anything: I turn music on, put my head between my knees, close my eyes and start breathing slowly while thinking of my favorite thing about my SO, the warmth in his eyes when he smiles at me, and I keep thinking about it until all my irrational feelings have gone away.

You have to remember that your SO is with you because he wants to be, if he didn't care about you or want to be with you he wouldn't put up with an LDR, no one in their right mind would deal with all this heartache if they weren't serious about wanting to be with you.

[Jgui]

I'm not particularly worried about him cheating on me -- when I'm logical, that is. He's been in an LDR before and, even though he only liked the girl as a friend from the start, didn't cheat. But when I'm emotional, well...

I get this way at times also, and I think it's normal to have small panic attacks, especially when we're in a LDR where we can't talk/see our SO regularly. However, I've learn to deal with it by keeping myself busy when I feel myself getting emotional and starts to think and act irrationally. Watch a comedy, hang out with friends, go to the gym, anything to keep your mind from wandering. Have faith and trust in him and your relationship that you're both strong enough to handle the distance.

Also, keep in mind being a PhD student is very time consuming. He might need to do TA work on top of his regular school work, so he might barely have enough time for himself during the week.

I wish you the best and hang in there!

[tanaquil]

This is my usual way of handling any kind of panic attack or stressful situation when I over think anything: I turn music on, put my head between my knees, close my eyes and start breathing slowly while thinking of my favorite thing about my SO, the warmth in his eyes when he smiles at me, and I keep thinking about it until all my irrational feelings have gone away.

You have to remember that your SO is with you because he wants to be, if he didn't care about you or want to be with you he wouldn't put up with an LDR, no one in their right mind would deal with all this heartache if they weren't serious about wanting to be with you.

Wow, thanks!! The last part made me a bit emotional. It's hard for me to think that I deserve such strong emotions, but I have to keep repeating to myself that he can want to be with me. Thank you!

I get this way at times also, and I think it's normal to have small panic attacks, especially when we're in a LDR where we can't talk/see our SO regularly. However, I've learn to deal with it by keeping myself busy when I feel myself getting emotional and starts to think and act irrationally. Watch a comedy, hang out with friends, go to the gym, anything to keep your mind from wandering. Have faith and trust in him and your relationship that you're both strong enough to handle the distance.

Also, keep in mind being a PhD student is very time consuming. He might need to do TA work on top of his regular school work, so he might barely have enough time for himself during the week.

I wish you the best and hang in there!

Yup, I know being a PhD student is killer, especially in the hard sciences /: It's hard to have your rational mind tell you to be calm because he's busy and will call when he has time -- especially when your emotional side is just commanding you to call him and just hear his voice for a few seconds, even if it means annoying or bothering him. Thanks for the tip!!

[Jgui]

Yup, I know being a PhD student is killer, especially in the hard sciences /: It's hard to have your rational mind tell you to be calm because he's busy and will call when he has time -- especially when your emotional side is just commanding you to call him and just hear his voice for a few seconds, even if it means annoying or bothering him. Thanks for the tip!!

I totally understand what you mean. I hardly talk to my SO because of our time difference and schedules. And the once a week conversation is really tough when I have go 6 days without any voice contact. We text each other here and there, but RARELY, like 2 text a day, IF THAT.

[tanaquil]

I totally understand what you mean. I hardly talk to my SO because of our time difference and schedules. And the once a week conversation is really tough when I have go 6 days without any voice contact. We text each other here and there, but RARELY, like 2 text a day, IF THAT.

Definitely! And, omg, that sounds really difficult! /: It's just hard because you (or, well, I at least) start wondering if his eyes are, well, wandering and if he's losing interest. Or finds some beautiful girl over there. That's actually one of my constant worries.

[Jgui]

Definitely! And, omg, that sounds really difficult! /: It's just hard because you (or, well, I at least) start wondering if his eyes are, well, wandering and if he's losing interest. Or finds some beautiful girl over there. That's actually one of my constant worries.

Try not to worry so much, he's with you for a reason and believe that he will stay faithful to you. It honestly brings the relationship no good if you're constantly worrying about him leaving you. It puts stress not only on yourself, but him as well. Do you feel you both have a strong relationship with a sturdy foundation? because that is very important, especially when it's LDR. Try and communicate with him and let him know what you're concerns are.

[tanaquil]

I do think we're pretty serious and we care about each other a lot. I'm not exactly sure what qualifies for a "strong foundation", though. /: I tend to worry about everything, which has created fights between us as I start growing resentful and crazy. Thank you for your advice! Now all I have to do is find out how to stop worrying, haha

[Jgui]

I do think we're pretty serious and we care about each other a lot. I'm not exactly sure what qualifies for a "strong foundation", though. /: I tend to worry about everything, which has created fights between us as I start growing resentful and crazy. Thank you for your advice! Now all I have to do is find out how to stop worrying, haha

If you're aware that your worrying is causing an issue then try and stire away from that. I know it's easier said than done, and we're all human with emotions and mood swings. I utilize my circle of friends a lot when i'm feeling down or feel myself thinking too much. I spend more time just being out with friends and keeping my mind off of over thinking/analyzing the relationship and what he's doing..

Confidence is something that comes and goes in our daily life. Certain days we'll feel we're on top of the world, the next day we may feel we've hit rock bottom and nothing is going right. But keep in mind that you are a beautiful, young, smart, and a loving lady and that your SO is proud to be yours truly, and you've chosen him out of millions of people in this world to have a relationship with. Granted you're not in the best situation (being LDR) but take advantage of this and enjoy time to yourself. You're able to things you want and when you want.