Anxiety Over Unresolved Conflicts and Issues

[happyshazam7]

I have always been the kind of person that can't go to bed angry. I hate to get off the phone if we still have a problem that needs to be resolved, because I can't just table it and come back to it later. It will continue to destroy me until we can resolve it. But I'm finding in an international LDR with a huge time difference, sometimes we'll be discussing something and he has to go to bed or one of us has to leave and then I'm just stuck with that unresolved conflict!

Also, in a related issue, we have some HUGE issues that are very far away. And because they're really far away, we don't have to worry about them right now, and that's what my boyfriend is always telling me. But I worry anyway. Last night we finally talked about the who-will-move issue (which is four years away) and he is not sure that he would want to move here. I know that I can't leave, because I have a very specific career that I can only pursue in my current location. And it's so far away, but at the same time, it's such a big issue! And I wish I could just take things day by day but I have a really hard time doing that and the stress just eats at me.

Does anyone have advice for how to have less stressful arguments/conversations when sometimes you have to leave things unresolved? Especially when the issues are huge and really far away?

Thank you!!

[Caitlin2009]

this doesnt happen often but from time to time it will and all i can tell ya is, its actually resolved itself once we go to bed and get a good nights sleep then things are back to normal for us, we will occasionaly talk about it the next day but not for too long

[Jayburr]

I'm in a slightly similar situation in trying to deal with potential future conflicts... The best thing I can advise to do is to prepare as best as you can. If one of you needs to change your careers to be with one another, then that's what you need to do. Why doesn't he want to move to you? If you're set in your career and he is not, I think it makes more sense for him to come to you.

[Zephii]

Closing the distance internationally takes a lot of planning and hard work. I don't think it's that far away that it shouldn't be discussed - especially if it's going to involve a career change for one of you, or some other change that could potentially waste years of time if not addressed.

Just because he says he wouldn't move right now, doesn't mean that he wont change his mind given time and positive experiences in your country.

[Moon]

Sure, it happens, and being in an LDR with a time difference, you might just have to get used to it. That's not meant to sound snarky or anything, but I've found that in our situation sometimes there's jut nothing that can be done about it right at that moment. We have a 7 hour difference, I get home from work at about 6pm, it's 1am for him, and we only have an hour before he really has to go to bed. If I've got something on my mind that I feel needs a good discussion, I always leave it for the weekend, when we have the time to really talk and we aren't tired and stressed from work. Is that ideal? Nope, but there aren't many other options.

As far as the moving thing, I don't know, that's hard. A lot could change in four years though, including the political climate. You should at the very least be in agreement that one of you are going to make the move, and both places investigated for the pros and cons of each for both of you. Good luck

[happyshazam7]

Thank you guys so much for the responses, that's helpful. My issue is usually that I need to stop obsessing, worrying, and stressing, and nowhere is that more true than in my LDR. It's also nice to know that I'm not crazy for thinking about these far-off issues now.

Jayburr - it's not that he says he WON'T move here, but that he doesn't know that he will want to, and doesn't want to promise me that when he doesn't know how he'll feel in four years. I at least respect that honesty. I do know that I won't move there because my career is my lifelong dream (I left my whole family to move to LA and pursue it) and I am miserable without it. So I do think it makes more sense for him to come here, because I am set in my career and he isn't (and he speaks English and I don't speak Arabic, even though I'm trying to learn). But I'm hoping that like Zephii said, he will have positive experiences in the US that would encourage him to move here. Who knows, a lot can change in four years...

[Lilly9886]

In my opinion, it can't really be too soon to talk about the future, and about who would be willing to (or could) move.. It is important to know this... what you could do is, that you both give the other country a try, live there for a couple of months and then you'll decide in which country you are "better off" and happier together!

[USCtrojangirl]

I'm also based in LA in an international LDR... this is my second LDR (first international) and I was VERY firm with my boyfriend before he moved that I would not be willing to invest the time in waiting for him for five years (half of my 20's! that's a big chunk of time!) if we did not have a plan in place for us to be together when he is done with medical school. We have established that I cannot leave LA because of my career, and he agrees that barring circumstances beyond our control, he will move back here when he is done with school.

Based on my past experience with my 4 year LDR that didn't work out, I just personally think the stress, cost, and energy you have to devote to make an LDR work merits having a solid plan in place and a fixed date when you plan to be together in close distance. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that of him, especially if you don't have the option to move as he does. I think you'll find that if you know he will be moving back to you at the end of four years, a lot of your fears and worries will disappear when that uncertainty disappears. Best of luck!