It's only 4 days into this month-long break and it's already killing me!

[KyleRivera]

Ok, so as most of you who have read my previous posts know, me and my girlfriend (?) mutually agreed on taking a "break." I had just gone down to see her this past weekend and had a deep feeling in my gut something bad was going to happen and it did...right in the middle of my 5 day trip, we get to talking when she tells me that she thinks we might need to take a break. This hurt me so bad and I tried not to cry in front of her but I couldn't help myself, it just hurt me so much. Anyway, today is day 4. We set the rules for this break [no kissing, no sexual intercourse (of ANY kind), or no anything with anyone else]. But it just feels so difficult.

She normally calls me on her way into work and on her way home from work and we text throughout. However, yesterday, we texted for a small amount of time early in the morning and had a good little conversation, I guess. She then stopped texting me at 8 something. I sent her another random text at 1 but she didn't respond and I didn't hear from her for the rest of the day...This hurt me so much. I hate not knowing what she is doing, how her day was, hearing her angelic voice...I HATE IT SO MUCH!!! I had to fight the urge to want to call her or try to text her again when I knew she got off work.

So I did some reading up on "breaks in relationships" on Google. Apparently, breaks are pretty normal and can either make or break a relationship. If the couple makes it through the break, then they usually grow a lot stronger both individually and together. We did all the apparent right things with setting rules and all that. I know this break is for her to gather her thoughts and take a step back from the relationship and see what it is she wants from it, etc.

The thing that hurts me the most is knowing that, even though this would be the 2nd time she has broken my heart (the first time was when we first dated for 2 weeks about 5 years ago and she dumped me because I was waaaayy to much at that time), I still can't see my future without her in it. In my research about breaks, I also found out that it's good to give the girl space because if I try to communicate more than I could push her away. I want to talk to her so bad...So I guess my questions are:

1) Does anyone have any experience with breaks in relationships? 2) How can I know if i'm giving her too much time or too little time? 3) She said we would talk as we did before we started dating (which was quite often), how is this supposed to happen if I need to give her "space" that she needs? 4) I know that this is also to see if she will miss me and be like "oh my god, what did I do..." but if I don't communicate with her for say a whole week, how will I know if she misses me? Should I just wait for her to call or text me? 5) She had told me she felt like she did most of the chasing in the relationship and wants me to chase more, well what is the best way for me to go about chasing her? Whats too much and whats too little?

[tanaquil]

First off, I'm really sorry you're having so much trouble with your relationship And it's lovely that you care so much -- proof that guys actually DO care about the relationship they're in, or at least don't bottle it up and never share.

For #1: I think I'm pretty qualified when it comes to breakups/breaks. xD My boyfriend and I had a 'break' one month into our relationship (though we still saw each other constantly, we just decided nothing physical would be done during the week we weren't together) and then we broke up twice, getting back together within two weeks each time. It hurt SO much each time so I can understand your pain. /:

But my view of breaks and breakups is that they don't really do much. It just seems like you're putting your problems on 'hold'. I think a talk may be the best course of action .... though idk enough about your situation. I think the only ones who can give the best advice on what to do next is yourself or your girlfriend. /:

For #3, I think what she MAY mean by talking as often but having space is that you guys won't be having deep, serious talks that probe into one another's personal lives. This may be good because, then, you're not put on the spot to come up with reasons or explanations for various things or have to make decisions on the spot. So this sort of break may be good.

As for #3, 4 and 5, I don't think anyone really can answer those questions and it may be your own insecurities asking the questions. /: You just have to trust her and know that the whole 'too little/too much' dilemma is just part of human nature.


Good luck! >< Feel better.

[KyleRivera]

thank you for your advice. It was helpful to a certain degree, but helpful none-the-less. I mean it has now been a whole day where we have not had any communication and I miss her more and more with each passing minute! I am sure she misses me in some way or another. This is just the first time I have ever experienced a break in a relationship and I never thought I would ever have to go through one, especially with her. Everything just seemed so right with her. I think I might end up giving in and sending her a text around 1 and just saying something like "i can't get you off my mind!"

To me this sounds like a good idea and is something simple. I would get it off my chest and I would hope that she responds to it in a like manner or at least responds to it in any type of way. Again, thank you for your advice!

[Captivated]

I think you might be too intense - which is why she needs a "break". Give her some air to breathe. Let her come to you. Being this needy isn't attractive to anyone.

[KyleRivera]

Alright...I admit, I know I can be a tad intense at times but it is not intentional. So what would you recommend? That I not contact her unless she contacts me?

[Moon]

Alright...I admit, I know I can be a tad intense at times but it is not intentional. So what would you recommend? That I not contact her unless she contacts me?

YES!! That's what we've been trying to tell you. A break is a break, of course she's not contacting you as much as usual. I completely agree with Captivated, you're too much, most women really don't like the needy, dramatic types, you've got to back off and let that girl breathe a little, y'know? How can she even realize if she misses you, when you want so much contact? I hope you aren't offended, you're still quite young and have a bit to learn, that's all. I would hate it so much if my guy didn't give me some time to myself when I want it. Just relax and let this thing play out without doing any harm.

[Sora1101]

1) Does anyone have any experience with breaks in relationships? I have some limited experience with taking a break from a relationship
2) How can I know if i'm giving her too much time or too little time? honestly for this one I'd say there's really no way for you to know for sure until she comes to you, granted I wouldn't wait for more than a couple months tops, anything more than 5 months absolute maximum, any more than that and I'd think she's stringing you along.
3) She said we would talk as we did before we started dating (which was quite often), how is this supposed to happen if I need to give her "space" that she needs? I doubt you'll be talking as often as you did then, that's the point of the break, she needs to step away from you a bit. I think she just said that as a little white lie, I'm sure you'll still talk but not a billion times a day or anything, most likely a handful of texts a week.
4) I know that this is also to see if she will miss me and be like "oh my god, what did I do..." but if I don't communicate with her for say a whole week, how will I know if she misses me? Should I just wait for her to call or text me? Yes, wait for her to contact you first, when she needs space she'll stop contacting you and when and if she realizes she made a mistake she'll come back to you on her own, there's nothing you can do to speed up the process and constantly texting or calling her will more than likely push her farther away.
5) She had told me she felt like she did most of the chasing in the relationship and wants me to chase more, well what is the best way for me to go about chasing her? Whats too much and whats too little? Honestly I have no answer to this one, I feel like she just used that as an excuse because it seems extremely childish to say oh I did all the work and now I'm going to test you to see if you love me as much and are willing to "chase" after me and pretty much grovel at my feet during this break. Either she's power tripping or just wanted you to accept the break by giving you this lame excuse.

[happyshazam7]

I'm an actor, and actors tend to do a lot of the same thinking when they have an audition that a casting director I know calls "actor mind taffy" - what do they want from me? What is me coming on too strong? How do I show that I want this job, but not seem desperate for it? I bring this up because I think you're doing boyfriend mind taffy. There are no answers to all those little questions. You can't figure it out. You can only drive yourself crazy.

Go ahead and give her space - don't talk to her, try and distract yourself. Yeah, she probably will either tell you that she has realized she needs you in her life, or she'll want to break up. You have no idea which one it will be. If you have feelings you need to express or figure out, write them down. Don't share them, but it will make you feel better to write a long letter to her that you will keep to yourself. If it's been a few days, you can send her a brief "thinking about you" text, but if you're supposed to be giving her space, really do it. None of this is easy, I know. It totally sucks. But you should also be prepared that a lot of people initiate a "break" because they're scared to actually go ahead and break up with you.

[KyleRivera]

Thank you all for your honesty and advice. It is just hard for me going from us talking everyday to only texting about once a day if that...I will do as you all say and not communicate with her at all until she comes to me. However, in this case of no communication it makes me feel as though, even though we are still "dating," I don't like it. What I mean by that is this: you all know the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Well I find this saying to be true to a certain degree. Yes absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder, however, too much absence (at least in my case) makes me lose interest...

That's how I feel right now. That I am losing interest and if she does decide to stay with me, I feel she will not get an "I love you" from me for a while. She will have to work it back up to where I actually feel it again. I honestly kind of feel like I hate her right now. It could probably just be because of the fact this is the 2nd time she has broken my heart and it angers me that all I do is show undying affection and love and then this happens...yet again.

[Haley53]

1) Does anyone have any experience with breaks in relationships? Yes, my SO called for a break (or a break-up, rather, that he described as "permanent for the time being") after his mother passed away.
2) How can I know if i'm giving her too much time or too little time? You don't. You simply sit and wait. You exercise all your self-control and let the ball be in their court a good 95% of the time, the other 5% being if something said or done is out of line or order. When my SO broke up with me, I didn't leave. I couldn't. I refused to let him go through the entire hell hole he'd been swallowed up in alone, whether or not he was going to keep me at arm's length while doing so. As a result, that meant shifting my needs and putting them aside. That meant allowing him to do what he needed to do, and giving him the time and space to do it. He begged me not to leave, but that didn't mean he wanted to talk to me like we had when we were together. Most of the time, I let him initiate contact. I sent morning text messages asking how he was and that I loved him and he was on my mind (this was within our terms, however. If saying I love you/etc. is not within yours, and in your case, it's a little bit different and perhaps they shouldn't be, I would not go so far as to suggest you say them too) and he either responded or didn't. I responded until he didn't when he did text back, and that was that. Sometimes you have to relinquish the control, and that's called for when it's not you who asks for the break.
3) She said we would talk as we did before we started dating (which was quite often), how is this supposed to happen if I need to give her "space" that she needs? You give her space, and when you talk, you keep things platonic. Don't overthink this one. She's not saying you should talk as you did before you started dating in frequency, in my opinion, but rather in content. She will determine how much space she requires. It's up to you to respect it, and to speak to her as FRIENDS would speak with friends.
4) I know that this is also to see if she will miss me and be like "oh my god, what did I do..." but if I don't communicate with her for say a whole week, how will I know if she misses me? Should I just wait for her to call or text me? Don't play games. Don't not text her simply to see if she misses you too. Don't text her because you respect her as a person and the terms of the break she has set for you. If you haven't spoken to her since Sunday, for example, my guess would be it's okay to text a "Hey, how're you? " on a Thursday, but read her responses. If she seems okay to talk, talk until she's done, and if she doesn't? Then learn from it and let her come to you the next time you're both not texting one another for days at a time.
5) She had told me she felt like she did most of the chasing in the relationship and wants me to chase more, well what is the best way for me to go about chasing her? Whats too much and whats too little? I agree with Sora here. It's dramatic and childish to play games like this, especially when you're already in a relationship, but learning what she meant by chase would be helpful. Does she feel she puts in more effort? Does she feel her needs aren't being met? Quite frankly, demanding space but saying she wants "a chase" is a blatant contradiction and it makes me question her maturity to an extent as well. That said, people say all sorts of things when it comes to breaks simply because they're so damn confused, they have no clue what they want. My opinion is don't go about chasing her. You do that and it will result in one of two things, either a) she feels smothered after realising it's not really what she wanted or b) she learns that she can use silly little games like this to manipulate you into being her puppet. My advice is back off, work on distracting yourself from the situation and finding what works to distract yourself, and let it play out as the break will play out.

ETA: I also want to add that I think breaks make or break a relationship, and it's dependent on the reason the break was taken. The people I know here, including myself, who have been in a relationship where a break occurred took that break more out of a necessity for self-exploration than for any other reason. Taking a break as a result of problems in a relationship becoming overwhelming and not knowing how else to deal with them, or otherwise as a result of some extraneous factor, often does nothing and often leads to a break-up, simply because there's not much you can do on a break when a break only gives you a "justified" reason to avoid dealing with the actual issues.

[KyleRivera]

Eclaire,

First off, YOU ARE AWESOME! Thank you so much for that. This is the type of advice that is more along the lines of what I was looking for. So I guess a good thing to say would be that she told me this break for the month of August was because of how busy she was going to be with getting situated in school (financial aid, finishing/starting summer classes) which is a big stressor for her because she is on academic probation, and then she has to pay to get her car fixed which will take a week and she will be going out of town with her family for mothers birthday and then she has to start paying back a student loan from last year. I can definitely understand why she would need this break.

I respect that she was honest with me and told me all of this which is why she also told me not to come down in August because she would feel bad if I came to see her and she had either no time to see me or no way to see me because of the car thing. I also know she is struggling to find out what she wants to do with her life and that is probaly one of the biggest things she worries about. With all this taken into consideration, I can understand and respect the break. Although, I cannot help but to still be hurt by it, you know?

However, I will do as you all have told me and give her the space she needs to think and relax, etc. I will let her come to me when she is ready. On that note, last night was weird because we had a 2 minute phone call on her way to work and when I left work at 3:45. I told her i'd call back in 5 minutes. I called 3 times and she didn't answer, thats fine. Anyway, the weird thing was, when I went to sleep I had a dream about us holding hands, etc. all the sudden I wake up and not even a minute later she sends me a text. I don't know what that means but it was just weird haha.