How do you know when it's time to end it?

[tanaquil]

I'm so tired of my relationship. I don't know if I still love him. That's all I'm going to say at this moment.

Question is:

How do you know when it's time to end a relationship? How do you know if you still love someone?

[Haley53]

The answer to your second question is difficult. I want to say it's something you "know," like people say about love, but I thought I loved an abusive man in my life for years before I finally separated from him, and realised that what we'd had wasn't love at all. It had been dependency, and I find that the two can be incredibly easy to confuse. Dependency and comfort, both are reasons that people continue to hold on, and both are emotions that, in the space and time, can seem like love, simply because they're as powerful as we're forcefed the idea of love to be. So I'm unsure of how to answer that.

My answer to the first question, however, would be when you honestly look at it and realise that it's not working. Whether there's love there or not, that's not going to matter if both people stop working at the relationship, or if the misery in the relationship starts becoming more and more present. Sometimes that happens when the little things that were once tolerable become as heartbreaking and upsetting as the bigger things, simply because they keep happening. Sometimes that happens because two people are only staying together because of the comfort of that that's what they know how to do. Sometimes that happens when you realise, honestly, that you two are going in two separate directions; life sometimes does that, no matter how much you might love someone. I suppose the simple answer is that it is something that you know. It's when you realise that you've been fighting too long for something that's not going to work, when you realise you're swallowing gut feelings and pushing them to the back of your mind, when you realise that you're trying too hard to hold onto something because you know if you don't, it's going to shatter. Things that work don't need you clinging to them to make them continue to do so; that's merely like holding two pieces of broken glass together to protect one from the inevitable. It's never an easy decision, and I think all of us ignore it, but when the voice that says it's time to end it starts getting louder, and typically it starts with a question, that's when you realise that inevitably, it's time to end it. It's simply dependent on how long you deny what you don't want your gut to say to you any longer.

[Moon]

When the amount of work you put into the relationship feels taxing and not worth it any more, and you are no longer happy being in that relationship, it's probably time to end it. At the very least, it's time for a serious discussion about it. It's not uncommon for a relationship to just fizzle out, not all of them are meant for the long run. It's OK.

[lucybelle]

When you are more unhappy than you are happy, it's time to end it.

[hrp2007]

I would say when you feel like there is no more fixing it, and you have tried all you can to make it work, and you are still unhappy then it would be in your best interest to end it.

[Katelyn313]

Everyone's pretty much said what I wanted to, so the only thing I have left to add is if you can see yourself out of the relationship and you are happier out than in. If that makes sense. Good luck in your choice.

[chef.rae]

If you are unhappy where you are at now and you can end it peacefully while seeing yourself happy without the relationship then end it. If you feel like you are putting in a lot of work to the relationship and it's getting nowhere and you feel "stuck" it may be time to end it. You really are the only person who knows what is best for you. I wish you well with whatever you decide to do. Lots of people here are willing to listen if you need to talk. *hugs*

[tanaquil]

Thank you very much, everybody, seriously. I need some time to think about what I'm going to do.

I owe you all one! <3

[Zephii]

I've only been through one break-up but I "knew" because I simply wanted out. There was nothing he could say or do that would make me want to keep trying. No amount he could change, nothing new he could try. Nothing would erase what I felt or what had gone before. There was just nothing there to save.

How do you know if you still love him? Well, imagine yourself breaking up with him... do you cry? Imagine never seeing him again. Imagine him not being there for <insert big moment of your life>. How do you feel when you look at a future without him?

[alesitag]

It's when you realise that you've been fighting too long for something that's not going to work, when you realise you're swallowing gut feelings and pushing them to the back of your mind

THIS,THIS, SO FREAKING MUCH THIS!!

This is what made me realize TWICE i needed to end a relationship (with the same guy actually)...

Take some time to think about what YOU want, what YOU need to be happy and get the courage to stick to your decision.

*hugs*

[happyshazam7]

I'm gonna second Zephii. During my five-year relationship I often felt like I didn't want to do it anymore - it was hard, I was curious about other people, we had intractable issues. But when I really thought about my future without him in it, I felt like I wanted to throw up. When I really imagined not being able to call him, not being the most important girl in his life - there was no way. And even though we didn't work out romantically, we're still really close friends because I still feel like not having in my life would be terrible (and he feels the same). For me it was as simple as that - when I imagined what it would really mean not being together (not the freedom and ease I sometimes felt would come with it), I felt nauseous.

I hope you can figure out what will bring you greater happiness.

[tanaquil]

Thank you so much everyone; I never expected so many posts! And thanks for also trying to explain the (very vague) definition of love to someone who's very clueless and needs all the help she can (:

The thing is, I have depressive/anxiety-ridden tendencies and I'm not sure if it's me talking or the depression talking when I say I'm miserable in the relationship.

I just think my mental condition makes me so much more sensitive and I hate it.

There are always things that bother me -- I feel like I'm being selfish or that my expectations are too high. Last night, my boyfried returned from vacation and we skyped for a few hours. I asked if he had gotten any gifts for me rather innocently (since he had promised) and he said no. I pouted a bit. And he was like: "Oh, I promised? I guess I have to fly all the way back to Russia right away."

He won't give me his address either. I bought him a gift for graduate school and he said he wouldn't give it to me (I'ved asked him two or three times on different occasions). The first time, he said he didn't want me to stalk him. Secondly, he jokingly talked about living in a secret lair and wouldn't want to "give away his location".

I'm not sure. I feel as though the first situation is just another one of his many broken promises.

I think I'm being crazy and I don't have the right to leave him.

[Zephii]

You have the right to leave any man at any time, even for no reason at all. It's your life
I wonder how long you've been together for him to still not give his address?

[tanaquil]

Oh, we've been together for almost a year but a CDR that's only been long distance since June. /: College relationships, etc etc.

I just don't know if those stupid incidents are worth being hurt over.

But thank you <3 Also congrats on the pregnancy! /late.

[Jgui]

Everyone has a different way of knowing when to end a relationship.

For me, I ask myself where the relationship is going, how long have I been fighting for it to work out, and is it worth it to continue fighting...

I remember you posting a lot of confusion thoughts about your relationship with your SO. Maybe for you, the thing to do is to talk with your SO and ask what and how he feels. What does he want out of this relationship? Is it still the same thing as before? Then ask yourself are you willing to do anything to fulfill those needs and wants of his? Does it make you happy wanting to make him happy. Some people fail to put their own feelings and own self into consideration when in a relationship.

Either way, I hope things will work out for the best.