Dealing with jealousy and trust.

[Cricky712]

I guess i am that type =/ this is the 3rd time i assumed my Gf is busy spending more time with her guy friends rather than me. then again shes an hr ahead and on her days off she stays up late gaming with him (WoW, LoL), which gets to me. but after our talk last night i realize how being jealous and have no trust can ruin a relationship.. yet she still have faith in me because she truly loves me, as of now we're on a 1 week break so i can figure myself out. how can i deal with this? im afraid to lose her. yet i get so blah!

[Romeo s Juliet]

Stop assuming. You always dont have to know who she spends time with/what she does 24/7 If its something you should know she ll let you know. If she doesnt, thn it probably isnt of that much importance. So chill. dont assume give her space. You cant expect to know every minuite of her day.

[Brieasaurus]

I used to be just like you, jealous and extremely possessive over my SO. What really helped me (unfortunately) was almost losing my relationship. It really does ruin relationships. Some tips though, try putting yourself in your SO's shoes. How would you feel if you were innocently playing a game with your friend and all of a sudden your SO started assuming you of being unfaithful? It would hurt, right? That's how she feels every time you accuse her of something.

Also, at that moment try to write your feelings. If you're feeling jealous, take a break from talking to SO, and just write down what the situation is and what it is really making you feel jealous. Is it that you're not getting time and someone else is? Is it a certain guy friend that makes you uneasy? It's also helps if you write down a solution to fixing the problem and then talking to your SO the next day about it (when you're a bit cooled down). Sometimes I would look at what I wrote down the night before and realize how silly/irrational I sounded.

I think what it really comes down to though, is a lot of self assuring. You just need to drill it into your head that if she wanted a relationship with one her guy friends, she would. She wouldn't be going through the hardships of an LDR with you, but she is, because she wants you. Every time you get a bad thought, think of a good thought. Over time, it'll go away.

[EnglishMan]

Thats one of the downsides to LDRs; if you let it, your mind can be your worst enemy.

Trust is probably the most important part to any relationship, but I feel even more so with LDRs (here's me talking like I know, with my 3 months of experience ). A good quote I learned about this subject when I my mind was being a little wary during a relationship when I was 17; "Give her your full trust unless you are given a reason not to". And thats exactly it, she is with you, she chose to be in a romantic relationship with you. The quote isn't to be taken lightly either, a reason not to trust her isn't because she plays video games late into the night with a few guys, the quote means that unless you have cast iron proof of a reason not to be trusting, then you basically need to tell yourself to calm down, relax, and realise that the issue here lies more with you than her; it isn't fair at all to question her every move (which im not saying you are btw).

Romeo's juliet is exactly right; give her the space and respect to do the things she enjoys. Basically what you're doing is assuming the worst, and as corny as it sounds, to assume makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. But the saying is correct. Lets put the shoe on the other foot here, would you particularly like it if things that you do were bought into question by her? Im not saying you cant talk about these things, sometimes you need to be reassured in relationships, but give her the respect and trust she deserves as your girlfriend.

Sorry if that sounds like im having a go, im not trying to . It's just I think a lot of guys sometimes feel jealous of other guys in their relationships, and jealous and a waning of trust can be really destructive in relationships. Try and stamp out those feelings now, because I dont see anything in your post that should raise any suspicion at all

[Jayburr]

I used to be just like you, jealous and extremely possessive over my SO. What really helped me (unfortunately) was almost losing my relationship. It really does ruin relationships. Some tips though, try putting yourself in your SO's shoes. How would you feel if you were innocently playing a game with your friend and all of a sudden your SO started assuming you of being unfaithful? It would hurt, right? That's how she feels every time you accuse her of something.

Also, at that moment try to write your feelings. If you're feeling jealous, take a break from talking to SO, and just write down what the situation is and what it is really making you feel jealous. Is it that you're not getting time and someone else is? Is it a certain guy friend that makes you uneasy? It's also helps if you write down a solution to fixing the problem and then talking to your SO the next day about it (when you're a bit cooled down). Sometimes I would look at what I wrote down the night before and realize how silly/irrational I sounded.

I think what it really comes down to though, is a lot of self assuring. You just need to drill it into your head that if she wanted a relationship with one her guy friends, she would. She wouldn't be going through the hardships of an LDR with you, but she is, because she wants you. Every time you get a bad thought, think of a good thought. Over time, it'll go away.

Totally agree. Good advice Brieasaurus.

I met my SO through a video game, so I can relate a little bit here. As Brie said, if she wanted a relationship with her guys friends, she would, but she's with you.

[Cricky712]

I used to be just like you, jealous and extremely possessive over my SO. What really helped me (unfortunately) was almost losing my relationship. It really does ruin relationships. Some tips though, try putting yourself in your SO's shoes. How would you feel if you were innocently playing a game with your friend and all of a sudden your SO started assuming you of being unfaithful? It would hurt, right? That's how she feels every time you accuse her of something.

Also, at that moment try to write your feelings. If you're feeling jealous, take a break from talking to SO, and just write down what the situation is and what it is really making you feel jealous. Is it that you're not getting time and someone else is? Is it a certain guy friend that makes you uneasy? It's also helps if you write down a solution to fixing the problem and then talking to your SO the next day about it (when you're a bit cooled down). Sometimes I would look at what I wrote down the night before and realize how silly/irrational I sounded.

I think what it really comes down to though, is a lot of self assuring. You just need to drill it into your head that if she wanted a relationship with one her guy friends, she would. She wouldn't be going through the hardships of an LDR with you, but she is, because she wants you. Every time you get a bad thought, think of a good thought. Over time, it'll go away.

Wow Brie. you pretty much answered all my questions! =) Thank you!

[Cricky712]

Totally agree. Good advice Brieasaurus.

I met my SO through a video game, so I can relate a little bit here. As Brie said, if she wanted a relationship with her guys friends, she would, but she's with you.

Yeah i met her through WoW 6 years ago... to find out shes been crushing on me for so long (so have i) until 4 months ago is when we both confessed our feelings for each other. but yeah you guys are right =) i just need to get it through me. and She said it herself. If she wanted to be with him (which she doesnt and hes going away to Korea for a while (army) and hes a good friend of hers. and i guess i get jealous because they joke on skype while we 3 game and i just stay quiet 99% of the time -.- but yeah thanks again guys! and Brie! this makes it so much better.[COLOR="Silver"]

[Jayburr]

i guess i get jealous because they joke on skype while we 3 game and i just stay quiet 99% of the time -.-

Haha yes, I know the feeling!

There is this other guy in the game we play that totally has a crush on my SO. He's a cool guy but, a bit of a stalker, lol. She's had to tell him to back off before because he keeps trying to tell her that he feels a connection between them and everything but she is of course, not interested. To try and give him a hint one day, my SO told him that she was having "boy problems," which opened up a whole other can of worms with him. When she told me that she said that to him, she couldn't understand why I was telling her how that was the worst thing to say if she is trying to get him to back off, lol. I told her "if you tell a guy that you're not interested in him, and then later tell him you're having boy problems, you basically just told him that there is a possibility you and your boyfriend might break up, and he's now going to be thinking that he could have a chance with you. You closed the door on him initially, and he accepted that, but now you just opened it up again." Her response was something like "Oh....DAMNIT!!!! Why did I do that!!"

Whenever we play the game, we usually invite him to our group cause he's a good player and all, and still a friend, but it's so funny to watch him try to flirt and make jokes with her. I promised my SO I wouldn't say anything to him that would make him suddenly dislike her, hate her, stop grouping with us or anything, so, like you, I stay silent most of the time. Sometimes though, I really do want to come out and make it known that all the flirting he's ever done has been in the presence of her boyfriend, lol.

[Irina_Linn]

hey same here,but em this GF who annoys her bf lol....we nearly broke up today coz of that.well as a girl I NEED ATTENTION so yea i admit,i flirt with guys.n he saw my msges n it hurt him real bad...its ok now n i understood i did bad thing,but to tell you something,even when i flirt,my bf is most important for me ever.em sure same is for your gf.jus let her know in calm manner and dont doubt u might be on 2d place coz YOU ARE THE ONE

[Zephii]

It's a self-control thing. You need to be able to give yourself a good mental shake and say "stop it! you're being a dick!" haha. That's what I do.

Brie said it all better than I could though

It can be hard, both online and in group settings physically, to find a balance between friends and your SO. It can be a bit weird at first, because the dynamic of friendships kinda shifts around a bit. Sometimes it's not easy to see the way our SO's are around their mates. My SO has one mate in particular I don't even want to be home when they are on vent. They've played a lot of different online games together, running guilds and forums and whatever. And Obi has wanted me to join in with that - and I tried, we all got aion together when it was new.... but this guy is an asshole (one of those people who makes it a point of pride and brags about being one too.) And I couldn't stand the way he spoke with me - but more importantly I couldn't handle the way my SO acted around him.

Jayburr - I loled. Funny story.

[Jayburr]

Zephii -

Aion is the game we play

[Zephii]

Zephii -

Aion is the game we play

I'm surprised people still play that one, I really could not get into it... even months later when I tried again. Guess I'm always going to be a blizzard girl

[Jgui]

Assumptions kills...the most important foundation in having a relationship work is trust. If you have no trust in the other person, it will be hard to make things work out. And trust plays a bigger role in a LDR because we're not always next to our SO. Believe in your gf that she isn't cheating on you because if you keep thinking that, it will bring the worst outta you and arguments will come out.

She is with you for a reason. And just as you mentioned, she loves you and have faith in you. Why can't you try and do the same for her?

[ushiwakafox]

I think everyone has a bout of the green eyed monster. It's so so hard to quell jealousy when you're far away. I used to get jealous over anyone who got to spend time with him. "Everyone gets to spend time with him except me". It's so tough, but when it comes down to dealing with "what if he's cheating" jealousy and anxiety, honestly the one thing that actually made it go away for me was realizing that I would never be able to know if he is or isn't, so I may as well just give him the benefit of the doubt. I figured if he was, I'll find out eventually, but worrying about it when there's nothing I can do won't do anything but give me ulcers. I know that's a weird way of seeing it, but that's just what helped me. Now that I live in the same city as him I can keep a closer eye on him so far so good.

[dianacakes]

I used to be just like you, jealous and extremely possessive over my SO. What really helped me (unfortunately) was almost losing my relationship. It really does ruin relationships. Some tips though, try putting yourself in your SO's shoes. How would you feel if you were innocently playing a game with your friend and all of a sudden your SO started assuming you of being unfaithful? It would hurt, right? That's how she feels every time you accuse her of something.

Also, at that moment try to write your feelings. If you're feeling jealous, take a break from talking to SO, and just write down what the situation is and what it is really making you feel jealous. Is it that you're not getting time and someone else is? Is it a certain guy friend that makes you uneasy? It's also helps if you write down a solution to fixing the problem and then talking to your SO the next day about it (when you're a bit cooled down). Sometimes I would look at what I wrote down the night before and realize how silly/irrational I sounded.

I think what it really comes down to though, is a lot of self assuring. You just need to drill it into your head that if she wanted a relationship with one her guy friends, she would. She wouldn't be going through the hardships of an LDR with you, but she is, because she wants you. Every time you get a bad thought, think of a good thought. Over time, it'll go away.

omg this this this! I totally agree. Especially with the line "You just need to drill it into your head that if she wanted a relationship with one her guy friends, she would. She wouldn't be going through the hardships of an LDR with you, but she is, because she wants you."

Just keep that in mind and things will get easier to deal with.