Omg - I'm feeling so unreasonable - help?

[Captivated]

Feeling because I haven't acted on it...yet.

Even though it's a closed distance issue, I thought I'd post here anyway in an effort to get as many slaps as possible.

You see, I realize that what I'm feeling is totally uncalled for. Yet, I can't help but feel this way.

Here I am, at work, like a shmuck, and my guy texts me (who's been here for almost 2 weeks now...who moved 4600 miles to be with me...who's been nothing but supportive, attentive, more than I could ever imagine) and tells me my brother called him to invite him to a BBQ for my cousin who's birthday is today. So they're going...right now...in the middle of a friggin' work day. My brother doesn't have a job and still lives with my parents - it irks me sometimes when I think about it. My guy doesn't have a job yet because he can't - has to wait to get his stupid green card and all that.

Meanwhile, I'm panicking on how I'm going to pay for my dental issues (with a dentist I just got off the phone with and the huge quote they generously gave me) , the rest of my wedding expenses and how I'm going to cram an hour's worth of literature in 15 minutes before a webinar I need to attend at work for a certification I'm working toward and how I'm supposed to financially support us for the next 6 months or so. I'm stressed beyond belief (though my guy doesn't know since it all pretty much was evoked with this nuance of activities he's partaking in) and there they go to have fun. I know this is the first time it's happening but I can't help but feel the way I do...and I don't want to feel this way!! I really don't!

I guess I'm in need of perspective.

[snow_girl]

You should be happy he is getting on with your family! Yea it sucks that they get to go have fun and you work but thats life. There were tons of times when my SO was working and I wasn't that I got to go do awesome things while he worked but then it flipped when he came to live with me and I had to work. Why not plan something for the weekend you both have to look forward to? It isn't his fault that he can't work, you know if he could he would most certainly help you out financially. Pus a bbq isn;t going out and spending a shit load of money on a coffee maker that only one of you will use and is not a wise use of money....can you tell I have some hard feelings?!

[lucybelle]

Misery loves company. But don't spread it. Just because you're working and stressed doesn't mean everyone around you needs to be too. Be glad that he's having a good time with your family.

[EnglishMan]

snow_girl's right, you should be happy he's settling in well

He can't work right now, so he may as well make a good time of it while you are. He's getting out there and adapting to life in a different country, thats a good thing. Have you tried telling him this? You dont have to pin it on him, just say to him that the amount of work you're having to put in is stressing you out a bit, and im sure he'll try and help you through it.

[Moon]

I can see why you'd feel a bit resentful, it's not fun being the one everything falls onto, but it's good for your guy to do these kinds of things and get better integrated into the country, and your family. It can't be easy coming to a new country and not even being able to work, so try not to hold it against him, he'll have to do his fair share soon enough. The more he's able to experience, the better he'll feel like he fits in, which is only good for your future.

[Kiyama]

Well it's only a bbq and not like he is spending lots of money on a night out. You should be happy for him that he gets to do something during the day instead of getting bored at home and start snapping at you because of that. I'm in the US for the summer and my SO has spent 11 hours at work on some days and by the time he gets home I desperately need some human interaction and attention while he's tired and wants to relax. So what I'm trying to tell... See the positives of this. It's great he gets to go out and have fun but it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you being stressed. Which he doesnt know yet so give him a chance

[LeilaniJoi]

I'm going to draw on some experience and share some thoughts from someone that was with an SO for awhile that moved from another country to be here. First of all, he can work once he gets work authorization, the green card comes later. Once he is approved to stay, while you are going through the immigration process he can apply for work authorization. My ex got it after he got his temporary residence status.

Anyway, it's very hard to settle into a new country and a new life. The culture differences, even for someone from England, are vast. I would be happy he IS getting out and doing things... mine hid on a computer and refused to build a life and friends outside of the house. It's hard as well on the person who is basically holding everything together - you - but honestly, it's just part of the process.

Now, once he gets his work authorization if he refuses to work then there is a problem. Beyond that, again speaking from experience, be happy that he is making friends, willing to go out and do things and get himself settled into a life here. Trust me, it's far worse when they never leave the house and want to complain about how bad it is here versus where they came from, never get off the computer and refuse to keep a job once they have work authorization.

[Captivated]

I very much appreciate everyone's input. Truly. It's exactly what I needed. And yes, I should be happy that he is willing to go out on his own and hang out with my family. I'll snap out of it lol

LeilaniJoi: Thank you for that info! We've had such confusion with this - even though we Google as research. They forgot to give him his i-94 at the airport on top of messing up his A# :\ Hasn't been that easy a ride. But he's eager to get started with work. We went ahead and got married as soon as he got here so we could speed up the process instead of waiting 'til September. Thanks again!!

[Captivated]

Forgot to add: After contemplating on this over lunch, I realized that what was irking me the most was that I looked forward to having my cousins meet him for the first time, with me! Not with my brother :\ I think that's what really got to me. Oh well...

[LeilaniJoi]

I think he can apply for work authorization once he has his A#.

It can work out... mine probably would have if he had been more willing to work with rather than dumping everything on me. Ours failed not because we had been LD or met online... it failed because he was very immature. I wish you luck... it's a long haul with immigration but pm me if you like. It sounds like you did things like we did.

[13000km]

The advice that has been given is great. I remember when I first moved here while having the free time was great, I really wanted to start school and find work because sure I could hang out with his family but I was lonely as I didn't have any of my own friends to spend time with. I wished my fiancé didn't have to work all the time, but knew we needed the money. I felt very helpless! I guess what I'm trying to say is that at this point in your lives he has to deal with some loneliness while you have to deal with some resentment. That's not going to be a permanent thing in your relationship, I believe you can tough through it.

[Captivated]

Maybe I just wanted to pick a fight. Things have been smooth sailing this entire time and I needed to stir some shit up to get back to familiar territory (familiar in the sense that I'm always waiting for the sky to come crashing down and for him to break my heart). So I was passive aggressive last night. Pushed the right buttons but didn't say a word. He stayed up 'til 1:30 listening to music and never came to bed.

Maybe I just don't know how to love him the way he deserves to be. Might be a cop out.

[nicole]

As someone who is in your SO's exact position I'm telling you; it sucks. You have to rely on people for everything, no independence, stuck at home all day only doing house work. He's moved away from everything he knows for you, and believe me, it gets cripplingly lonely sometimes. He probably jumped at the chance to get out and be around people, and it's really great he is hanging out with your family. You get to get out and see people everyday, you have your independence; don't take that for granted.

You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but it most definitely is not. I have been waiting for my work permit for over 2 months now, I have to wait for 3 before I can call and see what is going on. It's sucky, but like 13000km said, this won't last long. You had a long time to think about what sort of strain the K-1 would put on you both; You're both suffering in different ways, now would be the time to support each other rather than start picking fights and making it worse.

[Captivated]

Ugh, I feel like such a douche. I honestly don't deserve to be with him. And I do need to grow up and see things from his perspective. Thanks, Nicole. Your words really touched home.

[nicole]

Ugh, I feel like such a douche. I honestly don't deserve to be with him. And I do need to grow up and see things from his perspective. Thanks, Nicole. Your words really touched home.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh or anything. I'm getting very frustrated not being able to do anything, and I bet he is too. Just think, he's a good guy, and if he had the choice to work, he would take the chance in a heartbeat to help you out If the work permit comes through quick, he'll soon be helping you out and it will relieve the stress a bit