Why is my SO's roommate such a jerk?

[HeartInTexas]

Seriously, I'm trying to just ignore him, but he never stops trying to agitate me. I know his rudeness is thrown at literally everyone around him and not just me specifically, but it is just so annoying.

Before my SO and I were officially dating, he would always tell my SO how hot I am and what not. Then once he actually called me hot while I was skyping with my SO. It was weird, but I get that a lot wherever I go so I didn't really pay much mind to it (Not trying to sound cynical. Most of the time I get it from drunks or hobos so I've learned to ignore it).

So, during my visit back in early June, my SO's roommate would swat me in the back of the head if I said something he didn't like. It didn't hurt, but it was annoying. Once my SO was at work so I went with my SO's two roommates (he has a nice roommate, and then the jerk roommate) to the grocery store. In the car he kept poking at my appearance and how I'm not that attractive. And he mentioned that he only called me hot because he was trying to be nice. He would make jokes about me being stupid, even though all he really knows about me is I'm his roommate's girlfriend from Colorado.

Once I was Skyping with my SO while we were playing an online game (League of Legends). One of our teammates saved my SO so he was like, "<3 you Kayle!" and jokingly I'm like, "Oh no! My boyfriend is in love with another woman!" So we laugh and have our fun, then here comes my SO's roommate popping in for whatever reason. He asks me "What's up?" at some point, and I thought maybe he would want to join our fun. So I'm like, "Luke is in love with another woman!~" But of course, his roommate has to be a jerk about it. He's like, "Um, am I suppose to care about you're saying? Yeah, I really do not care. You're actually a really horrible match for Luke. There are so many better women out there for him. He can really do so much better than you," and he just leaves.

It really bothers me. Furthermore, I'm really bothered that my SO never says anything to him about it. My SO just says, "That's just how he is. Just ignore him." I mean yeah I can ignore him, and I usually do. It would at least make me feel better if my SO would say like, "You know that's not true, right?" or just tell me something to reassure me that he doesn't agree with what his roommate has to say. Everyone who knows his roommate says, "If he's being mean to you, that means he likes you." Well he must freakin' love me then.

I've never met somebody so rude. He's gone to Gamestop and told a friend of mine and my SO's that everyone who works there is a loser who isn't getting anywhere in life. This guy is nearly in his 40's. Shouldn't he act at least slightly mature? He even calls me names. B word, C word, y'know, the classics.

I really don't know how to handle his roommate other than to just keep ignoring him. But when I visit, it's kind of hard to just avoid him. What should I do?

[nicole]

Wow sounds like this guy is very unhappy and is trying to spread the misery...

I don't know how I would take someone like that- my immediate reaction is to cut people like that off. Don't like nasty people in my life, plain and simple. But you can't do this. Has your SO heard him call you those names? And not said anything? That is crappy if he hasn't defended you or told him to stop. Yes a little teasing is ok, but calling you stupid, and those other names, that is a personal attack. Looks like no-one has stood up to him in a while and he thinks he can go around treating people like crap.

I'd maybe tell your SO that you are reaching your limit with this guy, and ask if he can at least start taking some sort of stand against it. It's not fair that you have to deal with this guy's issues. Or next time he does it to you personally, shut him down and call him out on it. Man needs a kick up the back-side if you ask me

[Haley53]

Before I respond properly (and I may not get a chance until later/tomorrow), have you ever properly stood up to him? Though it sounds like an obvious suggestion, I also know that though ignoring someone seems to be the popular suggestion, and oftentimes has great results, the idea of standing up to someone as opposed to ignoring them or allowing your SO to do it for you, for example, doesn't seem to be utilised as often as it should be. I know I for one hate conflict, but there have been times where ignoring someone's ludicrous behaviour simply hasn't done it for me and I've directly needed to confront them about it, and firmly too. Nothing diplomatic or communicative about it, seeing as it's not up for discussion. Sometimes being blunt about it is honestly the slap in the face someone like that needs to shut them up.

If you have done, I will post back later.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you guys thus far.

I feel nervous trying to talk to the roommate about it because he is constantly saying "I don't care!" to everyone. He laughs when he hears about somebody being suicidal and makes jokes about it. I just feel like he wouldn't care if I asked him to stop. I feel like I'm going to get laughed at and called names again.
Some times I'll get something from the roommate like, "I was going to say something, but I won't out of respect for Luke."
So I kind of think if my SO were to say something for me, he'd back off.
There's also a lack of confidence on my end where I'm scared to even say, "Hello" to somebody I don't know well. Online or offline. So it'd be really difficult to speak to the roommate myself.

He's so hot and cold. When I was visiting, I helped them move into their new house. I carried things up the stairs and in the heat, despite having asthma. Afterward, he told me I did a good job and thanked me. He was pretty nice for the rest of the night. But then later, he was like, "Haha, you couldn't even carry a chair up here without being out of breath!" So I told him about my health problems, and he was wondering why I didn't tell him in the first place. Well, I wanted him to like me and I just felt compelled to help. Even though he knows about my asthma, he'll still laugh at me for having trouble carrying chairs upstairs. Yet another reason why I'm scared to bring anything up to him. I don't want my feelings laughed at.

As for my SO, he really never says a thing. I know that to my SO, he sees his roommate as being playful or just 'trolling' me. He's heard his roommate say most of these things to me, and he's seen his roommate swat me. When I see his roommate playfully punch him in the arm, it annoys me. Why doesn't he get annoyed seeing his roommate swat me? I simply don't understand.

[Caitlin2009]

This guy is just a general asshole, especially if he laughs at other people wanting to harm themselves. to me it almost sounds like its a combination of things with him he's not happy with his life as he's in his 40's and still living with roomates and not having a family of his own, and maybe he has depression, bi polar, tourettes, or some other disorder to make him act out. most i can tell you is that you need to have a long talk with your SO about this guy and tell him to stand up to you when this jerk does that

[Zephii]

He's just a dick. I'd start giving as good as you get. Practice on him. Use this guy to teach yourself how to deal with people like this. There are some people in the world who will actually show you respect if you can hit them back with the kind of insults they sling. I doubt he'll back off if you politely ask him to stop, because people like that really don't care if they are hurting you, so just learn to fight back. Hit him where it hurts He's 40 and still renting? Still single? Possibly paying for sex because he's still single? Next time he says "I don't care" you respond with "and that's why no one cares about you".

And if your SO asks why you're being mean, tell him it's because he was too gutless to stand up for you in the first place

[lucybelle]

He's an ass wipe. I agree with Zephii, tell him his face looks like a butt and smells worse.

Or ya know.. a good insult

[alesitag]

He's just a dick. I'd start giving as good as you get. Practice on him. Use this guy to teach yourself how to deal with people like this. There are some people in the world who will actually show you respect if you can hit them back with the kind of insults they sling. I doubt he'll back off if you politely ask him to stop, because people like that really don't care if they are hurting you, so just learn to fight back. Hit him where it hurts He's 40 and still renting? Still single? Possibly paying for sex because he's still single? Next time he says "I don't care" you respond with "and that's why no one cares about you".

And if your SO asks why you're being mean, tell him it's because he was too gutless to stand up for you in the first place

EXACTLY THIS!!!! I'm your biggest fan from now on!!

[Caitlin2009]

He's just a dick. I'd start giving as good as you get. Practice on him. Use this guy to teach yourself how to deal with people like this. There are some people in the world who will actually show you respect if you can hit them back with the kind of insults they sling. I doubt he'll back off if you politely ask him to stop, because people like that really don't care if they are hurting you, so just learn to fight back. Hit him where it hurts He's 40 and still renting? Still single? Possibly paying for sex because he's still single? Next time he says "I don't care" you respond with "and that's why no one cares about you".

And if your SO asks why you're being mean, tell him it's because he was too gutless to stand up for you in the first place

[Kanga]

What a miserable being. You know what they say misery loves company. He should really back off your twos relationship, and he's making you uncomfortable. I'm a bitch, so I would have gladly had some words against him, and said to him. Your SO needs to have your back on this if you do decide to just snap at him. I understand, there would be tension if you did say anything to him. But to be honest, you have every right to defend yourself. It almost feels like he's trying to break you? If that makes sense. I hope everything gets better, and you defend yourself. The guy sounds like a class A asshole.

[SquishyLove]

This guy is just a bully, plain and simple. Bullies just bully because they can, so you can't reason with them. Everyone always tries to say, "oh, it's because he's deeply unhappy or has some mental problems." Nah, it's just because they know they can get away with it. You have to stand up for yourself. Tell your SO you aren't taking it anymore and you WILL be standing up for yourself from now on and on no uncertain terms he WILL have your back in this. Why is this guy coming over to the computer when you guys are Skyping anyway? That should be private time for you and your SO. Your SO should have his computer in his room, and his roommate shouldn't have access to his room in any way. That's just stupid. Furthermore, if your SO isn't standing up on your behalf, I kind of see him as being under this guy's thumb in a way. That's never healthy. Something has to change. Ignoring it won't work, so you have to stand up for yourself.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you guys for your great replies!
Honestly I've tried getting back at him a bit, but it's really difficult for me to be vile towards others. Even if they're jerks like this guy.
Although now that I think about it, I find that a lot of the time if I'm just being cutesy or sweet, it makes him leave me alone.
i.e. Once he found a video on Youtube that he uploaded of my SO doing a duck walk...so he put it on Facebook and was like, "I saw this video again and was like, wow, Luke's girlfriend would love this! So I put it up on Facebook." and I was like, "Aww, you're thinking of me?~ How sweet!~" And he had a few moments of silence before saying something like, "Um, yeah, I feel uncomfortable..I'm gonna go."
Kill em with kindness?? I think he likes it when people are mean back to him...
Whenever he saw my SO and I brushing our teeth together at the same sink, he'd walk by and go, "You guys are so disgusting...disgustingly cute...I'm leaving!"
Maybe I'll try and think of more ways to be "disgustingly cute."

[Haley53]

Everyone always tries to say, "oh, it's because he's deeply unhappy or has some mental problems." Nah, it's just because they know they can get away with it.

To be fair, people aren't naturally sadistic and while I don't think bullies have mental problems, I can't say assholes have been found to be psychologically satisfied. They choose who they choose based on that they can get away with it though.

To the OP, you could try that. I have a tendency to be naturally sarcastic towards people that ruffle my feathers, but the issue with that is that oftentimes, people like him are looking to be riled! It's why I was curious as to if you'd ever bluntly said something to him. I have found that if I'm willing to engage in a game of sarcastic insults, a lot of the times, it ends up buying into their behaviour and encouraging a back-and-forth to see who can come up with the best one. I think directly standing up to people has often done me more than giving them a taste of their own medicine, if only because it catches them off-guard. I use sarcasm when that doesn't work, to deflect their remarks and make it so they don't sting as aggressively.

It doesn't have to be anything too intense. I remember in high school, these two boys were snickering about the fact I had come to school wearing a choker. I exchanged a glance with my sister who shook her head and said not to let them bother me, but then one of them mentioned something about me thinking I'm a dog/bitch and I spun around and stalked over and confronted them about it. Never happened again and they actually both went out of their way to sit by me after because I was "cool." Point being, maybe next time your SO's roommate says something, you don't have to say anything too confrontational. Simply ask, "do you have a problem with me? Because if you have a problem, I'd rather talk with you and work it out versus sit here while you make sexist and demeaning comments at me all the time." and if he makes a comment about how he's only messing, simply say, "well I don't find it funny, and I don't find it funny when you hit me either." It's not too combattive, but it gets the point across.

The alternative is to be honest with your SO about how much his roommate bothers you and how much you don't like it that he doesn't stand up for you, but I honestly think holding your own in this one would benefit you the most.

[Malaga]

Frankly, I think he's jealous of your boyfriend and also possessive of him. He sounds like a very frustrated person with low self-esteem. He takes it out on you because he sees you as weaker than him. He picks on you, mocks you, makes a passionate statement about how you and your boyfriend don't fit together. It sounds like he can't handle his impulses well.

It's also possible he's actually attracted to you, and now acting out the 'sour grapes' scenario. Convincing himself you're not good at all. It might be why he gets uncomfortable when you're nice to him.

I agree you should stand up for yourself. Once you show him you're not weaker than him, he ought to back off. Also, if you don't mind me saying, your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a wuss for shrugging it off when he clearly crossed the line and it bothers you so much. I would be very upset with mine if he acted like that.

[alesitag]

It's also possible he's actually attracted to you, and now acting out the 'sour grapes' scenario. Convincing himself you're not good at all. It might be why he gets uncomfortable when you're nice to him.

THIS!

I've been reading your thread, trying to analyze why he acts like he does and this popped up in my mind... You actually mentioned he used to say you were hot all the time before he met you, and all of a sudden he starts being mean towards you, calling you unattractive, b*tch and all of those pretty, sweet names?

He seems to be acting like a teenager you know? not knowing how exactly to attract or behave in front of the girl he likes so he starts poking on her, pulling her hair, calling her names, telling her how "not-worthy" she is... and of course getting even worse when the girl he likes happens to be dating his roommate... and when you are nice to him he feels uncomfortable...

Geez, would men ever grow up?