I have realized my mistakes

[KyleRivera]

In the week since my girlfriend broke up with me, I have figured out the reasons why she left me. The 2 reasons I figured out why she left me are as follows:

1) I made her feel un-appreciated. With all the sweet things she did for me and all the things she did/said to show her love/affection, I did not notice/appreciate them. I was so focused on looking for responses/reactions in the way that I wanted to see them, whenever she showed me love/affection in her own way it went un-noticed and therefore, I could not show appreciation to them.
2) I smothered her. I did not give her the time and space that she needed so much. I should have respected her space sooner.

Therefore, with the 2 realizations I made, I have decided to write her a letter apologizing for these actions. I am not going to send the letter quite yet as I know she still needs time to think about things as do I. But I will indeed send it to her to let her know I am taking responsibility for my actions and being a man about it and correcting my actions. Hopefully, she will see how sincere I am in this letter and we can hopefully work things out. I have seen so many other relationships go through worse and stay together or get back together.

What do you all think of this? Is the letter a good idea (also since I have never wrote her one)? How long do you all think I should wait? I have still yet to contact her since the break-up.

[Caitlin2009]

no to the letter, if you wanna write it for yourself by all means go ahead but dont send her anything, and wait for her to contact you! cause frankly if i were in her shoes, the last thing i would want would be a letter from a clingy ex boyfriend, which your still kinda being

[Belle]

I think its great that you're thinking about these things in a constructive way. We always see much better in retrospect unfortunately =/. I think the letter will be a great way for you to sort things out and find a way to put in perspective what happened and what you can do better next time or in your next relationship. Quite frankly, I think it will be of a lot more benefit to you than to her. Like you said, she still needs her space. Although I understand why you would want her to know that you are aware of your shortcomings, she's aware of them already. Give her the time she needs to process whats happened and see how she feels in this new situation. Its not very comforting but its the best you could do. Letting her call you at her own time may be the better move. In the mean time, try to start healing. It will be best for you regardless what the outcome is in the long run.

[Moon]

It's very good that you've been able to realize some of the things that went wrong, and learned from them. The thing is, to be blunt, you need to remember them for your next relationship, really, you need to move on now. Pining away for this girl isn't going to help you grow or learn, you're putting all your hopes on something that likely won't happen, and is probably only going to lead to even more crushing heartbreak.

Send your letter in a few weeks, apologize, wish her the best, and don't mention getting back together for your own good. If she contacts you, great, but just don't count on it.

[Jessipoo]

If you do send it, do not expect a response, you will be disappointed.

I hope she forgives you. I totally understand that whole "people did worse and got back together". Same situation for me...

[Jayburr]

Kyle,

Don't take this too personally, but are these ACTUAL mistakes you made? or are you just wanting to find a reason to blame yourself for the break up so that it will be easier to rationalize getting back with her?

When you love someone, it's all too easy to say "It was my fault, I was the one with problems, but if I fix it, things will work between us!" vs "She didn't appreciate me, all she did was take advantage of me, it's better that we're not together." It's all too easy to think those things in the wake of a break up.

#2, yes, okay, we can agree on that, but #1 you can't be sure of, and I think you've come up with that reason simply because you want to have an explanation for why things didn't work (since you probably haven't talked with her about it).

I'm not trying to be all negative here, you could be right, but I just want you to really consider all the angles and not set yourself up for another disappointment. Stay on course, let her contact your first.

[KyleRivera]

All,

Thanks. Jayburr, as always has the best response. To Jayburr's questions I answer: After much thinking (both positive and negative) I have come to the conclusion that these are indeed mistakes that I made. I thought about any and all negative and positive things about the relationship and that is what I came up with. In the end there really wasn't many negative things at all, which is another thing I do not understand. In the way that I think, I would say that the two problems that I had can be talked out and corrected, which is why I was caught off-guard with the whole break-up thing. In any event, I choose to stay looking on the positive side. I cannot help what my heart tells me.

[Captivated]

no to the letter, if you wanna write it for yourself by all means go ahead but dont send her anything, and wait for her to contact you! cause frankly if i were in her shoes, the last thing i would want would be a letter from a clingy ex boyfriend, which your still kinda being

I agree.

[Nbaby]

Kyle,
Personally i dont think the letter is a good idea. I know it is hard to deal with a break up. Was this your first serious relationship? Anyway i agree with Jayburr you should not blame everything on yourself, you were not the one who ended the relationship. You're young. You should really focus on yourself now. Your goals, having fun and see more of the world. It sounds like you have way too much time to think about things. And maybe came out with the wrong conclusion. I still hope for you that everything is going to be okay. But please dont forget about yourself and about your happiness . Take Care.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Dude, you need a hobby. Internet gaming or building model airplanes or skydiving or...something. Breaking up sucks and I know you're in pain, but obsessing over what could've been and holding out hope that this girl will suddenly realize that you're Ryan Gosling is majorly unhealthy. I promise you, as much as you are infatuated with her, this girl is not the be-all and end-all of true love. Get off this forum and do something--anything--to get your mind off all this.

[KyleRivera]

All,

Thank you once again. I will take advice of those that I feel had a good point or had good advice that would pertain to my situation and the type of girl my current ex is. She is very unique and different than the average girl. what may be right for one, may not be right for another. With that being said, No contact for a whole month or until she contacts me may be right if she was someone else or if this was somebody else's situation, but with her I know deep in my heart that it would not be the right thing to do. Therefore, I am going to do what I feel is right and see where that takes me. I'm not just going to give up on the only woman I truly love.

[Jessipoo]

Then go limited contact, don't initiate too often, don't expect replies, make it light.

[Trepis]

I've been following your threads Kyle, though this is the first one I've replied too so far. With regards to your first post in this thread, I absolutley agree with mistake number two; you really did smoother this girl, and my read on the situation is it has to do with you feeling insecure and as a result, constently seeking reassurance from her of her feelings. I could very well be wrong, but that's how I read it. I just can't help but think this letter is a continuation of the same pattern; as stated up thread, she doesn't need a list of your shortcomings, she knows about what they are and broke up with you for it. The letter is just an excuse to make contact again, I'm sure when you don't hear back from her you will be calling or emailing 'just to see what she thinks of the letter' ( Again, another internal permission statement to contact her ) You want to stop smoothering her, then stop all contact, no matter how good an excuse you think up. Just stop totally and move on, once you truly accept that this behaviour needs to stop, then you can start to move on with your life.
You say you know deep in your heart not sending the letter is the wrong thing to do, I would submit it might be more honest to say ' you know deep in your heart that its not what you want to do' Human beings are funny creatures, we constently take actions that work against what we want long term because those very same actions give us what we want right now!

I want good things for you man, I really do. I'm sorry if I came off as rude, just trying to be honest as best I can,

Cheers,
Trepis

[Caitlin2009]

All,

Thank you once again. I will take advice of those that I feel had a good point or had good advice that would pertain to my situation and the type of girl my current ex is. She is very unique and different than the average girl. what may be right for one, may not be right for another. With that being said, No contact for a whole month or until she contacts me may be right if she was someone else or if this was somebody else's situation, but with her I know deep in my heart that it would not be the right thing to do. Therefore, I am going to do what I feel is right and see where that takes me. I'm not just going to give up on the only woman I truly love.

:/ now your just being creepy, clingy and very stalkerish. and honestly if i had her number i would tell her to run far far far away from you!!

I've been following your threads Kyle, though this is the first one I've replied too so far. With regards to your first post in this thread, I absolutley agree with mistake number two; you really did smoother this girl, and my read on the situation is it has to do with you feeling insecure and as a result, constently seeking reassurance from her of her feelings. I could very well be wrong, but that's how I read it. I just can't help but think this letter is a continuation of the same pattern; as stated up thread, she doesn't need a list of your shortcomings, she knows about what they are and broke up with you for it. The letter is just an excuse to make contact again, I'm sure when you don't hear back from her you will be calling or emailing 'just to see what she thinks of the letter' ( Again, another internal permission statement to contact her ) You want to stop smoothering her, then stop all contact, no matter how good an excuse you think up. Just stop totally and move on, once you truly accept that this behaviour needs to stop, then you can start to move on with your life.
You say you know deep in your heart not sending the letter is the wrong thing to do, I would submit it might be more honest to say ' you know deep in your heart that its not what you want to do' Human beings are funny creatures, we constently take actions that work against what we want long term because those very same actions give us what we want right now!

I want good things for you man, I really do. I'm sorry if I came off as rude, just trying to be honest as best I can,

Cheers,
Trepis

i 2nd that!

[tanaquil]

Guys, I think we should give Kyle a break.

Sure, he hasn't exactly shown us the model behaviour of a boyfriend on break, but he was just dumped and was/is in love, so we should respect that and let him be a little bit unreasonable/illogical after a breakup. So calling him a stalker/creepy/whatever isn't going to help him.

Doesn't mean I agree 100% with your actions, but I know how it's like to be dumped (: