Confused..

[Caitlin2009]

okay.. thanks for your help. so should I just not mention it him at all then?

well the looking on his profile without his permission yes tell him that, but the other stuff leave him alone and just quit bringing it up

[Jayburr]

Smoking is an addiction, so you need to accept that even when he says he'll try to quit, you probably aren't going to see any evidence of that right away. When he says he'll try to quit, he means he'll quit '...after I finish this pack,' or 'after I finish this carton,' which ultimately, by the time he done with it, he'll have a whole new opinion on whether he really wants to try to quit or not. It's a constant start, stop, change-your-mind process that you really can't control. The slightest thing can ruin a would-be quitter's progress, but a big one is friends. If his friends smoke,or he's around smokers all the time, it's that much harder to quit because they will always be tempting him. One thing that really pissed me off when one of my ex's was trying to quit smoking, was one of her best friends who would always offer her cigs or ask her if she wanted to go smoke, when she KNEW that she was trying to quit. I literally asked her (later on) "um, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!" And she's not the only one that did that...everyone my ex knew that was a smoker did that. EVERYONE. Her parents included. Not generalizing smokers here, but with my ex in particular, ALL of her smoker friends had the same smoker mentality. They grew up as friends but if one of them decides they don't wanna smoke anymore, suddenly they stop having things to do because now they can't go waste time smoking out back or bum cigs off each other anymore. It's pathetic. Lastly, reminding a smoker that you only want them to quit because you care about their health doesn't help them want to quit. All smokers know the health risks and they'll quit when they want to.

[sewbama]

Ok, I'm going to try. Even though I'm still a little mad about you lying to him about being mad about him lying. All kinds of messed up going on there, but w/e.

Why don't you just ask him if he is seriously going to try to cut back? It doesn't have to be about what you read. Just say you're still concerned about it (and leave it at that! Not the "your health!" and "but you did so good!" crap. Just "I'm concerned.). Ask him how much he plans to smoke, if he has a definite quit/more serious try to quit date (like at the conclusion of a stressful project at work), his quitting strategy, etc. Talk to him about it. Not in an accusing way, but in a curious way. Be a part of it. Find out what he's thinking so you don't have to just guess.

Also, just because a guy he is hanging out with casually is buying him the cigarettes doesn't mean they'll be consumed while they are hanging out. Maybe that's just the most convenient way for him to get them (assuming so, considering the guy's already buying him alcohol), so that he can have them when he needs them. Or maybe dealing with stress at work means REALLY relaxing when he does. I don't know -- not a smoker. But I think you are assuming a lot by thinking that the cigarettes being connected with this guy means they'll all be smoked with him.

[Snowlilly]

Smoking is an addiction, so you need to accept that even when he says he'll try to quit, you probably aren't going to see any evidence of that right away. When he says he'll try to quit, he means he'll quit '...after I finish this pack,' or 'after I finish this carton,' which ultimately, by the time he done with it, he'll have a whole new opinion on whether he really wants to try to quit or not. It's a constant start, stop, change-your-mind process that you really can't control. The slightest thing can ruin a would-be quitter's progress, but a big one is friends. If his friends smoke,or he's around smokers all the time, it's that much harder to quit because they will always be tempting him. One thing that really pissed me off when one of my ex's was trying to quit smoking, was one of her best friends who would always offer her cigs or ask her if she wanted to go smoke, when she KNEW that she was trying to quit. I literally asked her (later on) "um, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!" And she's not the only one that did that...everyone my ex knew that was a smoker did that. EVERYONE. Her parents included. Not generalizing smokers here, but with my ex in particular, ALL of her smoker friends had the same smoker mentality. They grew up as friends but if one of them decides they don't wanna smoke anymore, suddenly they stop having things to do because now they can't go waste time smoking out back or bum cigs off each other anymore. It's pathetic. Lastly, reminding a smoker that you only want them to quit because you care about their health doesn't help them want to quit. All smokers know the health risks and they'll quit when they want to.

This in a nut shell. My husband of 20+ years has been doing all of this and honestly, I never told him he had to quit, etc, he has been wanting to himself but has not been able too. The only rules I made when we married was he was not allowed to smoke in the house. He has always either smoked outside or in the garage, and occasionally in the bathroom with the fan on. Now, I won't lie, the kissing.......ewww whole another issues......lol.

[Caitlin2009]

This in a nut shell. My husband of 20+ years has been doing all of this and honestly, I never told him he had to quit, etc, he has been wanting to himself but has not been able too. The only rules I made when we married was he was not allowed to smoke in the house. He has always either smoked outside or in the garage, and occasionally in the bathroom with the fan on. Now, I won't lie, the kissing.......ewww whole another issues......lol.

funny part to that is Denise smokes and we kiss and i never taste the smoking *shrugs* but thing is people gotta realize is that if your SO has been smoking long before he met you, yeah ok its gonna be annoying and you worry about there health it shouldnt stop you from loving them. I may not like Denise doing that but what am i gonna do? i cant force her to stop, she was doing it long before me. She has quit a few times in fact the last time it was a almost a year before she started again, yeah it upset but i know when she wants to fully quit she will, i wont nag her about it unless its starting to effect her health. And only rule i have is dont smoke around me as i have asthma, which i never told her but she will do it anyway which is nice cause in her words "i love you and i dont wanna hurt you, so i'll do it across the room"

[Soyokaze]

I figured as an ex-smoker I might actually weigh in here and sort of know what I'm talking about. The thing about smoking is that you make friends with smokers, it sounds weird but when you have to go outside into a certain area at school or work that's what ends up happening. By the time I was trying to quit a good 90% of my friends were smokers, even when I told them I was quitting I would still be offered a cigarette randomly or to go onto the 'smoking porch' with them. I've literally had this conversation "Want to go smoke with me?" "No thanks, I'm quitting." "What's one more going to hurt?". That's just how it goes. I know it sucks and it smells awful when you aren't a smoker but it's still his call and he probably won't be able to do it just for you. If I hadn't wanted to quit none of Matt's requests would have mattered, it's something he has to do for himself and for his health and until he realizes it's a problem it just isn't going to happen. Even then most people can't just stop cold turkey, he'll need patience and support. Honestly, if someone bugged me or reminded me they wanted me to quit I would have felt nagged and would have wanted to do it less but that's just me.

I'm sure this isn't universal in the least but just a perspective to think about, try to be supportive of his choice when he gets to doing it because it's not even remotely easy.