Him? Romantic and thoughtful? But how??

[tanaquil]

So I guess this thread has been kind of inspired by another user's very recent thread, hehe.

Just some backstory: My SO has some, er, motivation problems when it comes to getting most simple tasks done. I've learned to accomodate myself to it somewhat, thankfully. He forgets friends' birthdays, forgets to do important things for them and tends to be rather lazy. I'm not sure why that is and I don't want to put him on the spot for answers, but let's just say that this "problem" isn't limited to me.

An example of what is the problem:

He likes asking me to send him photos of myself and usually likes telling me that I'm pretty/sweet/beautiful/sexy. So, today, I asked if he could take a photo of himself to send to me. The conversation went like...

Me: Send a photo of yourself!
Him: there are plenty on fb
Me: ... there are also lots of photos on me on fb
Him: not as many and you only post bad ones!!

Needless to say, I'm a bit miffed. -_- And so I tend to spoil him and so I sent him some cutesy photos of me and then he asks for another photo of me. Annoyed, I asked what he does for me in return. His reply; "Skype with you?"

I ended up telling him I was very annoyed and he said he'd change himself and try to be sweeter without me having to beg him to. He went off to watch a movie with parents and I messaged him saying he was a bit selfish. I have a lot of anxiety issues concerning him and apologised later, asking him not to be mad at me. He replied in a few hours saying that he loved me a lot/I'm super awesome/pretty/smart/etc. So, yes. >>

So, hmm, I guess the issue is I don't want to force him to be "nicer/more romantic" to me. I just feel like our relationship is a bit unequal, seeing as I tend to spoil him and I suppose he's gotten too comfortable with that. I also don't want to be constantly bringing up the fact that I'm annoyed with him.

Thanks for reading! Thanks for your help!

[Haley53]

Although he can try and put more of an effort into giving you what you want (in this case, random pictures, when you're happy to pose for him), I think on the other hand, you have to realise that different people have different ways of communicating their love for someone to that person. For example, people who write fancy love letters and are hurt they don't receive one in return, or if their partner is hesitant because they simply... don't write letters. While sometimes it can be a matter of someone putting in effort, there are times you have to accept the fact that your partner may express their love differently to you, and learn to love and embrace that expression for what it is. Not everyone is going to find someone who expresses love in the exact same way, and that can cause problems if it's expected. Perhaps while he's working on putting in more effort, such as sending random photos (have you asked him why he doesn't like to?), you could work on learning to accept and further appreciate the ways he does express his love for/to you already? Or learn to see more of the beauty in not spending a constant amount of time trying to woo you over? Sometimes it can help if both partners put in an effort to both work harder/please their partner and work on appreciating the other and the things they already do.

[temporaryuser]

not everyone shares the same amount in a relationship. You cant change someone - he has to realize it for himself. Getting mad at him for not being more romantic, not sharing as much or yourself because you wont reciprocate isnt going to change or fix the issue.
Maybe change the way that you ask - isntead of "send a photo of yourself!", how about I wanna see your smiling face, or how bout a nice sexy shot etc.
You have to remember, most men dont think the same way that women do.

[tanaquil]

Thank you both so much! *blush*

I feel slightly silly now for getting angry over such petty things. I suppose this is just me overcompensating in some way or just suffering from the after effects of him constantly telling me to "be on my guard" because the girls in his graduate department are cute and that I'm "in danger".

I suppose that's his way of being romantic -- making "jokes" like that. /:

[Malaga]

It's one thing if your SO is shy or just not a cutesy type of person who communicates differently in a relationship. He does care for you and makes an effort.
But from your post the problem is more in his general approach. If he consistently lets his friends down, forgets important details, this reflects bad on him as a person. It's hard to shake off the label of a lazy, unreliable person once people learn they can't count on you. It is in his best interest to start paying more attention to others. Including you. You can't expect him to read your mind or predict things you find sweet or romantic if he's not wired that way. But if you ask him to send you a pic and he flat out refuses for no reason other than laziness, that's just not very nice at all. Both persons have to participate in a compromise. You can accept that most of the time he won't initiative romance by himself, but he also has to accommodate your need for it.

[tanaquil]

He tells me he's the more romantic one in the relationship and derides me for saying otherwise. And, definitely, it's hard to shake off the lazy label but you just have to accept people for who they are and love them. Thanks!!!

[Malaga]

He tells me he's the more romantic one in the relationship and derides me for saying otherwise. And, definitely, it's hard to shake off the lazy label but you just have to accept people for who they are and love them. Thanks!!!

All I'm saying is that you should feel free to express your needs and stand by them. If you feel better after this topic, I'm glad. If you still don't, I suggest you talk to him when you're both calm and relaxed.

Good luck xx

[Katelyn313]

Thank you both so much! *blush*

I feel slightly silly now for getting angry over such petty things. I suppose this is just me overcompensating in some way or just suffering from the after effects of him constantly telling me to "be on my guard" because the girls in his graduate department are cute and that I'm "in danger".

I suppose that's his way of being romantic -- making "jokes" like that. /:

This makes me a little uneasy. You can't suppose, in any relationship, let alone a LDR. Ask him if he's joking. Because to be perfectly honest, if Dylan told me to be "on my guard", I wouldn't take that as romantic. I would have to have a serious talk with him. Maybe just ask your guy why he says these things. Because your SO should never say things that make you uncomfortable. Unless he knows it bothers you, he won't stop.

I don't mean to take the thread off topic, it just concerned me. PM me anytime but I would definitely address that with him.

All that being said, my advice for the romantic or not goes along with what Eclair said. Make sure you can live with how he expresses his affection. My father shows it, rather than says it and my sister has a hard time. She needs to hear him say he loves her, whereas I know when he invites me to watch the ball game with him, that's him expressing his love. If you can't handle how he expresses his affection, it's going to make for a trying relationship.

Hang in there, we're all here for you

[Haley53]

This makes me a little uneasy. You can't suppose, in any relationship, let alone a LDR. Ask him if he's joking. Because to be perfectly honest, if Dylan told me to be "on my guard", I wouldn't take that as romantic. I would have to have a serious talk with him. Maybe just ask your guy why he says these things. Because your SO should never say things that make you uncomfortable. Unless he knows it bothers you, he won't stop.

I don't mean to take the thread off topic, it just concerned me. PM me anytime but I would definitely address that with him.

All that being said, my advice for the romantic or not goes along with what Eclair said. Make sure you can live with how he expresses his affection. My father shows it, rather than says it and my sister has a hard time. She needs to hear him say he loves her, whereas I know when he invites me to watch the ball game with him, that's him expressing his love. If you can't handle how he expresses his affection, it's going to make for a trying relationship.

Hang in there, we're all here for you

100% this.

[sewbama]

Everybody has been saying what I was thinking.

But I'll add something anyway. You should probably talk to him about it. Not when he doesn't send you a picture, but in general. When you aren't upset, have a serious conversation about how all those things make you feel. Not that he's doing something wrong, but he should know how you feel about things. In a more general sense. And maybe he can tell you how he feels and that can make you feel more secure. You shouldn't just say "oh well, that's him" if it's bothering you. It doesn't mean he'll change, or even that he should. But you should talk about it.

[Jayburr]

It kind of sounds to me like maybe he's a little insecure with his appearance?

I wasn't real fond of sending my SO frequent pics of me early on in our relationship (before we met), because I didn't like how I looked and, I figured that the more pics I send her, the more chances there are of her REALLY seeing what I look like, and the more chances there are that she'll see my imperfections... Over time though, her constant reassurance telling me that she loves how i look, loves my eyes, my face, etc, really helped me trust her words and inevitably not worry so much about sending her only the good pics of me. Now, (especially after we've met) I feel I can take just any old quick pic, send it to her and know she'll love it (even if I don't really like it myself).

[tanaquil]

@ Katelyn313 and Eclaire: Oh, they're definitely jokes but he tends to think of it as him being romantic and trying to make me feel better. He said those things after I had a bit of a crummy night nd I got a bit miffed at him, so he apologised and thought "if I joked around, you would be happier". I suppose it's just his sense of humour and it DOES bother me and I've asked him to stop, but he says he won't. He says his cheating/dumping me jokes are a counter to my "sadistic" jokes -- because I made a lobotomy joke a few months ago /:

But, to the others, thank you very much! Jayburr -- I suppose you're right. (: He just doesn't like compliments and thinks I'm being insincere. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing!

[Haley53]

@ Katelyn313 and Eclaire: Oh, they're definitely jokes but he tends to think of it as him being romantic and trying to make me feel better. He said those things after I had a bit of a crummy night nd I got a bit miffed at him, so he apologised and thought "if I joked around, you would be happier". I suppose it's just his sense of humour and it DOES bother me and I've asked him to stop, but he says he won't. He says his cheating/dumping me jokes are a counter to my "sadistic" jokes -- because I made a lobotomy joke a few months ago /:

But, to the others, thank you very much! Jayburr -- I suppose you're right. (: He just doesn't like compliments and thinks I'm being insincere. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing!

For one, making a crack about a lobotomy might be dark, but playing to your partner's anxiety and insecurities by making cheating/dumping jokes is, well, plain cruel. I'm not sure if either of you are aware that he's actually bordering on the line of emotional abuse/an emotional manipulator with that gem. And for another, you don't "make jokes" to punish your partner for jabbing at something you didn't like. You open your mouth, you say, "I know you have a dark sense of humour, but I didn't like that one. Can you refrain from making jokes like that to me? At least for now?" like an adult, and you move on. You don't still, months later, make jokes about cheating and dumping your partner. That's honestly manipulative and abusive, and I'm sorry, I can't accept "they're definitely jokes" as an excuse for it. If my boyfriend made "jokes" about me, say, being fat and ugly on a regular basis, it wouldn't matter if they were "definitely" jokes; what would matter is that it'd be an abusive and emotionally manipulative environment because they'd hurt/impact me negatively. It's the same thing here, and his refusing to stop making them despite the fact you suffer for them goes to show that as well.

I much agree with Malaga here, after reading her post, re-reading mine and your OP, and with the new information, as far as his reputation saying something about him. It honestly sounds like he likes his toys and couldn't give a shit about anyone if it doesn't fit his own agenda. I know you've mentioned you've broken up twice before, and you posted a thread about the possibility of breaking up a third time. I'm starting to wonder if this relationship isn't simply toxic. I don't mean to be harsh, but making cheating/break-up jokes to your partner either as punishment or because you're sadistic enough to think they're funny IS emotional manipulation, and I don't like it. It's cruel, it's immature, it's crass, and it's selfish, and refusing to stop when your partner expresses it bothers her, and for the reason of punishing her... Eh, if you don't like your partner's sense of humour enough to seek revenge on it, either break-up or talk about it. This guy sounds like he doesn't put any effort into the relationship and quite honestly, like he's emotionally bullying and blackmailing you and expecting you to fit into his mould. It seems like every time you ask for effort or point out something that's upsetting you, it comes back to why it's your fault.

[Jayburr]

For one, making a crack about a lobotomy might be dark, but playing to your partner's anxiety and insecurities by making cheating/dumping jokes is, well, plain cruel. I'm not sure if either of you are aware that he's actually bordering on the line of emotional abuse/an emotional manipulator with that gem. And for another, you don't "make jokes" to punish your partner for jabbing at something you didn't like. You open your mouth, you say, "I know you have a dark sense of humour, but I didn't like that one. Can you refrain from making jokes like that to me? At least for now?" like an adult, and you move on. You don't still, months later, make jokes about cheating and dumping your partner. That's honestly manipulative and abusive, and I'm sorry, I can't accept "they're definitely jokes" as an excuse for it. If my boyfriend made "jokes" about me, say, being fat and ugly on a regular basis, it wouldn't matter if they were "definitely" jokes; what would matter is that it'd be an abusive and emotionally manipulative environment because they'd hurt/impact me negatively. It's the same thing here, and his refusing to stop making them despite the fact you suffer for them goes to show that as well.

I agree, it's definitely possible that this is his way of being manipulative. It kind of sounds to me like a situation where, say, a guy makes a negative comment to his girlfirend, and if she reacts in a bad way, he passes it off as a joke to sort of save himself and make it okay (even though it's not). "Baby I was just joking! gosh!" "Oh, hehe...okay...you better be..." Basically, that was his way of getting an opinion of his planted in your head, and not having to deal with you over reacting or giving him crap about it because it was just a joke not to be taken seriously. It's like a free pass to speak your mind without consequence because you'll just say that you were joking afterward.

[Katelyn313]

For one, making a crack about a lobotomy might be dark, but playing to your partner's anxiety and insecurities by making cheating/dumping jokes is, well, plain cruel. I'm not sure if either of you are aware that he's actually bordering on the line of emotional abuse/an emotional manipulator with that gem. And for another, you don't "make jokes" to punish your partner for jabbing at something you didn't like. You open your mouth, you say, "I know you have a dark sense of humour, but I didn't like that one. Can you refrain from making jokes like that to me? At least for now?" like an adult, and you move on. You don't still, months later, make jokes about cheating and dumping your partner. That's honestly manipulative and abusive, and I'm sorry, I can't accept "they're definitely jokes" as an excuse for it. If my boyfriend made "jokes" about me, say, being fat and ugly on a regular basis, it wouldn't matter if they were "definitely" jokes; what would matter is that it'd be an abusive and emotionally manipulative environment because they'd hurt/impact me negatively. It's the same thing here, and his refusing to stop making them despite the fact you suffer for them goes to show that as well.

I much agree with Malaga here, after reading her post, re-reading mine and your OP, and with the new information, as far as his reputation saying something about him. It honestly sounds like he likes his toys and couldn't give a shit about anyone if it doesn't fit his own agenda. I know you've mentioned you've broken up twice before, and you posted a thread about the possibility of breaking up a third time. I'm starting to wonder if this relationship isn't simply toxic. I don't mean to be harsh, but making cheating/break-up jokes to your partner either as punishment or because you're sadistic enough to think they're funny IS emotional manipulation, and I don't like it. It's cruel, it's immature, it's crass, and it's selfish, and refusing to stop when your partner expresses it bothers her, and for the reason of punishing her... Eh, if you don't like your partner's sense of humour enough to seek revenge on it, either break-up or talk about it. This guy sounds like he doesn't put any effort into the relationship and quite honestly, like he's emotionally bullying and blackmailing you and expecting you to fit into his mould. It seems like every time you ask for effort or point out something that's upsetting you, it comes back to why it's your fault.

I agree with this. I don't want it to seem like Eclaire and I are ganging up on you or this thread, but I agree with everything here. My last relationship was emotionally and verbally and mentally abusive. It took me a LONG time to realize that it was. I thought he was just being 'mean'. Or that 'that's the way he is'. I made excuses, I covered up and I sacrificed everything to save my relationship. When he finally threatened physical abuse, I finally got the courage to leave. I'm not saying your SO is like mine or that your situation is like mine, I just urge you to please try to take a healthy look at your relationship. I don't wish my previous situation on anyone and I wish I'd known the reality and seriousness sooner.

Also, Eclaire and I certainly aren't therapists (yet for her, ever for me) or relationship experts. But maybe (given your previous posts) you could try talking to someone. I really am on your side and I want a great relationship for you. I'm just uneasy from your posts. I don't mean to come off as pushy or know it all, I am just worried. I'm also sorry I just jacked your thread and changed topic.

Good luck. Hang in there.