Before I left to visit my SO 10 days ago, I made a post about how I was really nervous since we hadn't seen each other since April and had been going through a rough patch lately. The nerves eventually started to die down on the way down there and the excitement started to creep in because I couldn't wait to see him and actually get to spend a lot of time with him, thinking that maybe things would be back to normal since our talks had started feeling a bit better. But I was very, very wrong.
I knew something was up the very first night, when I went into his room to put my things away and noticed that two presents I got for him were no longer on top of his TV and the nighties he kept hanging on his closet door weren't there. I thought it was odd, but didn't ask and just thought he had moved them because of cleaning or whatever. Throughout the week, I kept noticing that I was constantly having to initiate things, and it seemed like he was majorly keeping his guard up. I kept putting it out of my mind and chalking it up to me being anxious and overanalyzing and he wasn't pushing me away when I kissed him or held his hand, etc., but it started to make me feel a little insecure. Moments kept coming up where things were like they used to be, where we would joke and tease each other, but the majority of the visit seemed to be strained. It all came to a head on Tuesday morning, the day I was supposed to leave. He looked so, so sad and I knew it was coming. He said it wasn't working and the rest is a blur because I instantly turned into an emotional wreck, leaving the room at one point so I could just cry and get everything out without him seeing. When I came back, I told him that I loved him, I wanted to be with him, and that I wasn't ready to give up on us yet. He looked at me and asked, "Who said I was giving up?" We spent about three hours talking about various things in our relationship, then rehashed everything the next day before I left. Right now, we are still together (he told me he didn't know which way our conversation was going to go), and he was very sweet to me after the long talk and the day I left, very affectionate and telling me he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, but things had to change.
Basically, he's convinced I don't want to move down there. There have been multiple instances in our relationship that have led to him feeling this way- in December, when we had a potential timeline of me moving, I took a job up here without consulting him because I thought it would help put me in a better place financially to move. He's told me that hurt him more than it would have if I cheated on him, which I completely understand and I've apologized, learned from that massive mistake, and we have moved on. It took him up until very recently for him to forgive me and move on from it. In March, I visited for a week and, prior to me leaving, I told him all of these things that I was going to do while he was at work, such as check out gyms, look at apartment complexes for jobs, etc. I ended up not doing the majority of it because I was simply burnt out, which has been the primary reason for him feeling the way that he does. I've been looking for jobs up here, researching a lot as far as gyms and other places go, and going through my things to prepare myself, to get ready, but he doesn't see anything that I'm doing because I don't do all those things while I'm down there. I completely understand why he feels that way and I told him that I am ready, even though it is a little scary, and know that's why he's been distant. It was made clear that things won't change with us unless he sees that effort from me.
He also stated that part of the reason it is so hard for him to deal with the distance is that his last long distance relationship, which was on and off for four years, was an open relationship. They had an understanding that they could both sleep with other people as long as they told each other beforehand. It was a lot for me to wrap my head around due to my being so emotional already, and I don't think any less of him for it, but thinking about it bothers me for some reason. I was pretty sheltered growing up, believing that sex was something that had to wait until marriage because of my religious upbringing/beliefs, which eventually changed as I matured and got more world experience. He was my first and we weren't in a relationship when we slept together... I wanted to have control over my first time and wanted it to be with someone who would respect me/I felt comfortable with. I know sex doesn't equal love and don't frown upon open relationships in any way, but I guess I'm just worried that I'm not enough for him. He said that, yes, there are sometimes he misses that lifestyle and he doesn't expect our relationship to be that way if I didn't want it to be, but in my mind, I feel like I have to compete with all these girls now.
We also mutually decided to talk less. Our conversations have become boring and routine when we talk every day, but they're good when we don't talk for a few days, and he thinks that it might help things. I told him I was worried that communication might stop completely if we talked less and he said it wouldn't. I asked if we should set rules for it, but he didn't feel the need. We agreed that we would talk less, check in with each other over text, but again, I find myself worrying. We texted for awhile on Tuesday night and Wednesday, but that's the last I've heard. My friend told me that I just need to trust him, but I guess with things being the way they are, I can't help worrying. It's just so hard to be where we are now after where we started.
This is super long and I'm so sorry for that... I'm just freaking a bit because I really do love him and don't want to lose him.
I knew something was up the very first night, when I went into his room to put my things away and noticed that two presents I got for him were no longer on top of his TV and the nighties he kept hanging on his closet door weren't there. I thought it was odd, but didn't ask and just thought he had moved them because of cleaning or whatever. Throughout the week, I kept noticing that I was constantly having to initiate things, and it seemed like he was majorly keeping his guard up. I kept putting it out of my mind and chalking it up to me being anxious and overanalyzing and he wasn't pushing me away when I kissed him or held his hand, etc., but it started to make me feel a little insecure. Moments kept coming up where things were like they used to be, where we would joke and tease each other, but the majority of the visit seemed to be strained. It all came to a head on Tuesday morning, the day I was supposed to leave. He looked so, so sad and I knew it was coming. He said it wasn't working and the rest is a blur because I instantly turned into an emotional wreck, leaving the room at one point so I could just cry and get everything out without him seeing. When I came back, I told him that I loved him, I wanted to be with him, and that I wasn't ready to give up on us yet. He looked at me and asked, "Who said I was giving up?" We spent about three hours talking about various things in our relationship, then rehashed everything the next day before I left. Right now, we are still together (he told me he didn't know which way our conversation was going to go), and he was very sweet to me after the long talk and the day I left, very affectionate and telling me he loved me, that he wanted to be with me, but things had to change.
Basically, he's convinced I don't want to move down there. There have been multiple instances in our relationship that have led to him feeling this way- in December, when we had a potential timeline of me moving, I took a job up here without consulting him because I thought it would help put me in a better place financially to move. He's told me that hurt him more than it would have if I cheated on him, which I completely understand and I've apologized, learned from that massive mistake, and we have moved on. It took him up until very recently for him to forgive me and move on from it. In March, I visited for a week and, prior to me leaving, I told him all of these things that I was going to do while he was at work, such as check out gyms, look at apartment complexes for jobs, etc. I ended up not doing the majority of it because I was simply burnt out, which has been the primary reason for him feeling the way that he does. I've been looking for jobs up here, researching a lot as far as gyms and other places go, and going through my things to prepare myself, to get ready, but he doesn't see anything that I'm doing because I don't do all those things while I'm down there. I completely understand why he feels that way and I told him that I am ready, even though it is a little scary, and know that's why he's been distant. It was made clear that things won't change with us unless he sees that effort from me.
He also stated that part of the reason it is so hard for him to deal with the distance is that his last long distance relationship, which was on and off for four years, was an open relationship. They had an understanding that they could both sleep with other people as long as they told each other beforehand. It was a lot for me to wrap my head around due to my being so emotional already, and I don't think any less of him for it, but thinking about it bothers me for some reason. I was pretty sheltered growing up, believing that sex was something that had to wait until marriage because of my religious upbringing/beliefs, which eventually changed as I matured and got more world experience. He was my first and we weren't in a relationship when we slept together... I wanted to have control over my first time and wanted it to be with someone who would respect me/I felt comfortable with. I know sex doesn't equal love and don't frown upon open relationships in any way, but I guess I'm just worried that I'm not enough for him. He said that, yes, there are sometimes he misses that lifestyle and he doesn't expect our relationship to be that way if I didn't want it to be, but in my mind, I feel like I have to compete with all these girls now.
We also mutually decided to talk less. Our conversations have become boring and routine when we talk every day, but they're good when we don't talk for a few days, and he thinks that it might help things. I told him I was worried that communication might stop completely if we talked less and he said it wouldn't. I asked if we should set rules for it, but he didn't feel the need. We agreed that we would talk less, check in with each other over text, but again, I find myself worrying. We texted for awhile on Tuesday night and Wednesday, but that's the last I've heard. My friend told me that I just need to trust him, but I guess with things being the way they are, I can't help worrying. It's just so hard to be where we are now after where we started.
This is super long and I'm so sorry for that... I'm just freaking a bit because I really do love him and don't want to lose him.
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