He's leaving again :'( i cant believe it

[kellybleedinghearts]

ive had a look for a similar thread but cant really find anything - please i need any kind of advice, anything at all
to simplify, me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship on and off long distance for around five years and it goes like this:
year one: we met at university and lived in the same city (leicester)

year one and a half: i finished uni and moved home (warwick), about an hour away he stayed at uni

year two and three: he stayed in the uni city (leicester) and i would visit him almost every weekend - but he was looking for a job and when he couldnt find one he moved in with his parents which was ok as it was an hour away (the other way down the motorway lol)

year four: he broke my heart and upped and left to live 5/6 hours away without really discussing it with me, he moved to a new city (london) we 'broke up' but i kept visiting him, as i started to let him go he became depressed because he hadnt made any new friends, couldnt afford it and didnt live in a very nice place in the new city - he decided to move back to our old uni city (leicester) and commute to his london job and me still living in my home town - sank back into the relationship, visit him all the time, have been applying for jobs in leicester so i can move in with him

saturday 18th august, he tells me he needs to move back to london because he cannot afford the train prices

he is leaving me again, right at the point when ive been happiest, for along time - im heartbroken but havent showed him, i just keep saying we'll see what happens, and we'll work it out but last time he left it was sooooooooo hard i dont know if i have it in me to do it again - we were suppposed to move in within the next couple of months

also im being really snappy with him when he speaks about 'the move' because i literally dont know how to be around him or talk to him anymore without getting upset. part of me wished he never moved back and had planned sooner that he wouldnt have been able to afford the train prices to save me the heartache

please help me, any advice

[redapple]

It sounds like your real problem with this is that he has hurt you by not really considering you in the move, I.e not talking to you about it before it happened. Unfortunately if he can't afford the train to work then he can't afford it (though I'm surprised it's not cheaper for him to commute considering London prices) and to be honest London to leicester isn't too far away. Though given my 9000 off miles maybe my perception of long distance is slightly off! Is it the distance or the fact that he didn't consult you that upset you the most?

[kellybleedinghearts]

hey thanks for your reply, i dunno, its more the feeling 'i cant believe this is happening again' like when he came back i was weary but let myself get closer than ever to him like emotionally and now he's going again, feel very drained and very exhausted about the situation if you know what i mean. i just feel a bit cheated i guess because its supposed to be long distance, close distance, move in - instead weve gone long distance, close distance and now back to long distance again

[sewbama]

So one thing that bugs me (and obviously I can't say it's really a big deal because your post wasn't very detailed) is that you are mad at him and say he's leaving you when he's moving for work. Even though you said you carried on a relationship while he was there before. There are also many happy relationships here where you can't see each other every day. It's quite possible to be ok and at a distance.

I understand it can be upsetting if he isn't discussing it with you, but instead announcing it. But I moved away from my SO, and that's why I'm in an LDR. I started a new school, a great opportunity that I'm so glad I accepted. It's a huge deal for me. And if he had gotten mad at me for doing it, I would have had an even harder time doing it. It's a hard move for him, too. I'm sure he doesn't want to be far away from you either. And if he does, there are other problems. So don't just think about how you feel. Remember he probably feels the same way. And this is just as hard for him. He might be just announcing it because he's so scared to hurt you.

Whatever it is, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Talk about what he sees happening if he moves to london. Maybe that if you can get a job in the city he's currently in, you'd be sharing bills, so it'd be easier on his budget, and he could perhaps move back? Talk about where the relationship is going. Tell him that you feel he doesn't include you in life decisions and that hurts you. Don't accuse him, just tell him how you feel. Discuss it. Ask why he does what he does. You have to talk it. out.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I do not have much advice for you, I think people change and they want to try and build a career for themselves, to live a life free of stress and to live happy
at the same time, i think you need to talk to him and you both should decide what would happen to your relationship, when you both plan to lose the distance, does he see you as a long term partner, and whether he wants to work out things with you, getting to know a possible time frame when the distance gets over is the best place to start for now in my opinion
good luck!

[Haley53]

So one thing that bugs me (and obviously I can't say it's really a big deal because your post wasn't very detailed) is that you are mad at him and say he's leaving you when he's moving for work. Even though you said you carried on a relationship while he was there before. There are also many happy relationships here where you can't see each other every day. It's quite possible to be ok and at a distance.

I understand it can be upsetting if he isn't discussing it with you, but instead announcing it. But I moved away from my SO, and that's why I'm in an LDR. I started a new school, a great opportunity that I'm so glad I accepted. It's a huge deal for me. And if he had gotten mad at me for doing it, I would have had an even harder time doing it. It's a hard move for him, too. I'm sure he doesn't want to be far away from you either. And if he does, there are other problems. So don't just think about how you feel. Remember he probably feels the same way. And this is just as hard for him. He might be just announcing it because he's so scared to hurt you.

Whatever it is, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Talk about what he sees happening if he moves to london. Maybe that if you can get a job in the city he's currently in, you'd be sharing bills, so it'd be easier on his budget, and he could perhaps move back? Talk about where the relationship is going. Tell him that you feel he doesn't include you in life decisions and that hurts you. Don't accuse him, just tell him how you feel. Discuss it. Ask why he does what he does. You have to talk it. out.

I agree with this, essentially. A lot of people are having difficulty getting work right now and not everyone's lucky enough to get it in their home towns. Him finding work in London doesn't mean you'll be apart from one another forever, and even though the length of the journey is taxing, my guess would be it won't be entirely too expensive to see one another 1-2 times a month. It will still be an adjustment, but it's an adjustment for him too. This is what happens when you're younger and building a life for yourself. Less gets planned (or less should get planned) around you, simply because you have to think about what would happen if it didn't work out. As much as most people hate thinking about it, you have to think about what you'd regret or wish you'd have done if it didn't work out, in your relationship. For him, it sounds like he's been looking for work, he found it, and of course it's ridiculous for him to commute 5 hours (is that each way?? Or was it not London he moved to when he was 5 hours away?). All I'll say is that he's moving away for work, and as much as some people are going to disagree with me, at your age, your life cannot be planned around your SO when you don't even have your own foundation built. I can't get angry at my SO for starting college late, which will perhaps extend the distance, any more than he can get angry at me if I decide to get my PsyD after my MA/MS. We have to think about our futures, and if we're going to make it work, if our circumstances are going to line up, they will do so without anything being forced and without anyone being able to make these types of sacrifices. You mentioned that you were planning on moving in with him soon anyway, no? Do you currently work in your home town? Perhaps with his new job, he'll be able to better provide for you two in your own place until you find work where he's at, versus the other way round?

[kellybleedinghearts]

Thanks for the replies, you guys have been great and i think i really need some tough talking to - i think im taking it hard because for the past three years i have been doing all the travelling to him and he hasnt done any so i think im a little bit bitter (i know i shouldnt be but i cant help it).

i definitely understand that it is hard for him and am trying to be supportive but part of the reason i dont want to move is because ive worked so hard at my current job for the past year and am due for pay rise/promotion within the next months so as you say i have been focusing on myself a little.

i dont think im upset about the situation, i think its more how hes handled it like 'its nothing' and part of the reason he moved out of london was because 'he couldnt afford it' and now he is moving out of leicester 'because he cant afford it'. feel like im getting mixed signals.

thanks so much for the replies, any more advice?

[Jayburr]

I agree with this, essentially. A lot of people are having difficulty getting work right now and not everyone's lucky enough to get it in their home towns. Him finding work in London doesn't mean you'll be apart from one another forever, and even though the length of the journey is taxing, my guess would be it won't be entirely too expensive to see one another 1-2 times a month. It will still be an adjustment, but it's an adjustment for him too. This is what happens when you're younger and building a life for yourself. Less gets planned (or less should get planned) around you, simply because you have to think about what would happen if it didn't work out. As much as most people hate thinking about it, you have to think about what you'd regret or wish you'd have done if it didn't work out, in your relationship. For him, it sounds like he's been looking for work, he found it, and of course it's ridiculous for him to commute 5 hours (is that each way?? Or was it not London he moved to when he was 5 hours away?). All I'll say is that he's moving away for work, and as much as some people are going to disagree with me, at your age, your life cannot be planned around your SO when you don't even have your own foundation built. I can't get angry at my SO for starting college late, which will perhaps extend the distance, any more than he can get angry at me if I decide to get my PsyD after my MA/MS. We have to think about our futures, and if we're going to make it work, if our circumstances are going to line up, they will do so without anything being forced and without anyone being able to make these types of sacrifices. You mentioned that you were planning on moving in with him soon anyway, no? Do you currently work in your home town? Perhaps with his new job, he'll be able to better provide for you two in your own place until you find work where he's at, versus the other way round?

Great post, couldn't have said it any better myself

[Kiyama]

I think you need to take a deep breath and sit back
Looking at it from a logical perspective, it's very reasonable of him to move to London. Not only with regard to finances but also with regard to him commuting that far every day. I was really surprised to read he went to from Leicester every day. Wow!!
I get the impression you're more hurt because he doesn't involve you in his thought process enough or he does mention it and you close your eyes because you don't wanna see the obvious. If it is the first, then talk with him about it and ask him to discuss these things with you beforehand.
What I would also suggest is discussing, how you go on in the future. Could you move to London and work there eventually? It might not be possible for you now but it could be a long term plan. Can you both apply to another city and be together there? There are so many options. Until then, accept his decision because it is the right one to move back there and make the best out of it

[Katelyn313]

I think everyone thus far has offered you great advice and now you need to take it. Talk to him. Work out a new plan. I know you said you were supposed to move in together, but things change and now you have to roll with the punches. Or, opt out of the relationship.

Eclaire was right in saying you can't plan your life around your SO. When Dylan and I first started talking romantically, I outlined what I wanted from my life and where I saw it going and what things I saw happening in it. That way, if anything I said didn't mesh with what he wanted out of his life, we didn't have to waste each other's time or get heartbroken. Maybe that sounds heartless or callous of me, but I'm a planner and I didn't want to hurt anyone. He made sure to say what he wanted out of life too. We discussed me moving there and him moving here and what we thought would be best. And some of those plans have changed! When we initially started talking about him moving up here, we were going to move into my family's house. Now, given the dynamics with my family after testing the waters about moving in, we won't be. We'll be getting our own place. So for a while, we were both stressing about the logistics and finances of that. But we had to keep talking to each other about our fears and worries and decisions.

The biggest thing is communication and he doesn't seem to know how you feel. He won't be able to change that, if he doesn't know. Tell him all of the things you've told us in a calm way. It bothers you he didn't at least run things past you, you're working on good things happening at your job and you're trying to understand his situation. Just calmly talk to him. There's nothing wrong with trying to figure out where your lives are headed both as individuals and as a couple. If he can't do that with you, then there's a whole other issue. But for now, I would just try talking to him. If he says something else that bothers you, come back and talk to us... we can give you all the advice in the world, but you gotta put it into action for it to get better.

Good luck

[sewbama]

Thanks for the replies, you guys have been great and i think i really need some tough talking to - i think im taking it hard because for the past three years i have been doing all the travelling to him and he hasnt done any so i think im a little bit bitter (i know i shouldnt be but i cant help it).

i definitely understand that it is hard for him and am trying to be supportive but part of the reason i dont want to move is because ive worked so hard at my current job for the past year and am due for pay rise/promotion within the next months so as you say i have been focusing on myself a little.

i dont think im upset about the situation, i think its more how hes handled it like 'its nothing' and part of the reason he moved out of london was because 'he couldnt afford it' and now he is moving out of leicester 'because he cant afford it'. feel like im getting mixed signals.

thanks so much for the replies, any more advice?

You mentioned here that you are upset that it seems like you always go to him and you resent him for it. The reason you have those feelings is because you never told him about it when they were small feelings. But either way, tell him now. When you're figuring out the game plan, tell him that you would like for him to also come visit you sometimes, if budget/time permits. The travel is hard on you, but if you each travel, it will be a lot less taxing and you can see each other more often. You need to ask him about these things. None of us know his motivations or reasoning. So go ask him.

[kellybleedinghearts]

yeh but trying to get him to travel last time was kinda difficult because he said about him working loads of hours so i travelled to him to make it easier on him, my initial reaction was i dont know if ive got the strength again. but yeh you guys are totally right that i am kinda avoiding talking about it because i wont like the answers but i will 'man up' soon and sort myself out...hopefully lol! thanks for your kind words, always feel supported here

[Anubis1311]

I moved up to be closer to my girlfriend as we lived 3 hours apart and we wanted to be more of a 'normal couple'. Not long after she got a job aboard a cruise ship where i'll only see her every 7 months. But this is her dream. I will never clip her wings and i will support her to achieve her dream to work aboard this ship. I consider myself lucky to be in a position where i love someone that much, no matter how much it hurts. We both want to stay together and faithful to each other and that's all that matters. As for strength, you will find it if you make sure you have coping mechanisms and support structures in place. You already have one here. Goos luck x