How do I fix things?

[redvelvet777]

......

[SnowDust]

Ok, so you are punishing yourself and you have no idea for what? I'm sorry to say it but this makes no sense to me.

My bf has done things to upset me and I've done the same, but unless we are willing to tell each other what we did, how can we expect the other person to care? If he wont tell you what the problem is, then you have nothing to be sorry for. Part of being in a mature relationship is being able to talk these things out and fix the problem.

Either way, I can't understand why you would punish yourself? Showering in cold water and not eating is really not proving anything. If I screw up and say or do something wrong, I apologize, dont do it again but there no need to be punished...that seems very extreme. Does he expect this of you?

Honestly, if he wont tell you what the problem is I wouldnt worry about it. And I would tell him that unless he is willing to tell you what you did then you cant change or be sorry.

[seshei]

Sounds like he's being pretty unreasonable. There's no point in punishing yourself- and especially when you don't know what (if anything) you've done wrong. Even then, there's no reason to do more than apologize, and talk things over with him to find a resolution. And, maybe a small gesture to make him feel better.

Personally, I'd tell him if/when he wants to handle the situation like a mature adult, and talk about it, I'd be happy to listen to him about the problem. But, until then, give him some time and space to cool off and get over it. If you'd done something seriously wrong, I'd think you'd have some clue what it is. And, if he won't tell you, there's nothing you can do about it.

[redvelvet777]

I think I explained this sort of wrong. It sounds worse than it is. lol

I'm conflicted because normally, yes I would obviously do what you suggest. But he's bipolar which makes me wonder if he's having a downswing in his cycle. I don't want to upset him further or anything

[seshei]

It sounds pretty bad to me, to be honest.

I've suggested anything I can think of and am currently punishing myself will cold showers, no entertainment, just water, etc.

When you're punishing yourself as above, because you feel

doubly atrocious

broken and awful and stupid

then he's gone too far and there's nothing you can do until he's back to his rational self.

While I can understand that a mental health issue does affect how someone reacts to some things- I, myself, am guilty of it on occasion- that doesn't get to be the excuse you give him to make it ok for him to make you feel that bad about yourself. I have PTSD, and I know that sometimes that gets triggered and I take it out on my SO. I've told him to please walk away for a bit when I go too far so I don't hurt him by being irrational. I suggest you do the same, rather than punishing yourself.

[Caitlin2009]

if he's not gonna tell you what you did then the hell with him, it really shows his immaturity with not telling you what you did so you can fix it, if he's not gonna tell you what you did wrong then theres no reason to keep pursuing that relationship. you guys arent 5 years old anymore so that type of behavior is not acceptable

[Caitlin2009]

I think I explained this sort of wrong. It sounds worse than it is. lol

I'm conflicted because normally, yes I would obviously do what you suggest. But he's bipolar which makes me wonder if he's having a downswing in his cycle. I don't want to upset him further or anything

and just because he is bi polar that is still no excuse for the way he's acting, i have ADD and even i apologize to Denise if my ADD kicks up and i say something stupid, she knows this and understands but i apologize cause i know whatever i said was not right, so being bi polar is no excuse

[garnet]

and just because he is bi polar that is still no excuse for the way he's acting, i have ADD and even i apologize to Denise if my ADD kicks up and i say something stupid, she knows this and understands but i apologize cause i know whatever i said was not right, so being bi polar is no excuse

My father is bipolar and sometimes it IS an excuse. I've dealt with his roller coaster shit all my life and sometimes its walking on egg shells. You never know what you're going to get. Up or down. It can't be easy to date a man dealing with that. Take it easy on yourself though, Redvelvet. Don't punish yourself. Please. :/

[LadyMarchHare]

and just because he is bi polar that is still no excuse for the way he's acting, i have ADD and even i apologize to Denise if my ADD kicks up and i say something stupid, she knows this and understands but i apologize cause i know whatever i said was not right, so being bi polar is no excuse

I'm going to doubly agree. I'm bipolar and I suffer horrid moodswings on an hourly basis and I never treat my SO like that. A disorder is not an excuse for everything and if he honestly wants to keep a relationship then he needs to fight for control of his emotions and thoughts. It also sounds to me like he's got a touch of paranoia.

If he won't tell you what you supposedly did wrong, then tell him you won't fix it. It may sound like you're not caring enough to remember whatever he thinks is this big of a deal but flat out say you CANNOT fix what you DO NOT KNOW is broken. That's like telling the repairman to fix the TV when there's 4 and you expect him to know which one because he's the expert. Also, I think you need a self esteem boost of +9000, hon. Punishing yourself for something that may not even exist? That's not girlfriend behavior, my dear, you're letting yourself be treated like an abused dog except you're the one hitting yourself with a newspaper because he physically can't.

When he gets like that, leave him alone and let him know why. Just because he's feeling bad doesn't mean he gets to drag you down with him.

garnet: Only sometimes. Like I said, I'm a different person every hour, sometimes every 20 minutes. It's difficult to have and to live with, I know. My mom still gets mad because she doesn't understand. Despite the severity of the condition and the fact the meds don't always work, you CAN control how you lash out, if you even hit the anger spectrum on the line between depressed and insanely happy.

[garnet]

I wonder if he is having trouble with his meds. If the balance isn't just right for right now... and from at least watching my father, he needed to tweak them endlessly. Taking any of it out on you is wrong, but there could be a reason he can't totally control it.
I don't know. I'm not bipolar. But what he is doing is sort of odd, and it makes me wonder if it is related to the manic depression, beyond just being on a downswing.

[LadyMarchHare]

To me it sounds more childish than some downward spiral due to a condition. It could be said condition is making it more severe, but still. There's no reason to seriously say "you know what you did wrong so fix it, it's not my job" to your SO, much less let them punish themselves with cold showers and no entertainment and let them go nuts just trying to figure out what they may or may not have done wrong.

[Bluestars]

Maybe the issue is him being bipolar....but maybe it isn't. Personally, I think your boyfriend might just be immature. Yes, people often get mad at you without you knowing, but if he really wanted to solve the problem, then he would tell you what it is. It sounds to me like he is just trying to torture you for something that he thinks is wrong (and quite frankly, he might be blowing the problem out of proportion), and from your description, it sounds as though he is definitely punishing you--which is ridiculous!

As Punkpain said, it is NOT healthy for you to be punishing yourself either >.< You have done nothing wrong, and you should be continuing on with your life as though nothing is wrong. I think you should have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him that until he tells you why he is upset, you will not talk to him-- and keep your word! You deserve better than that!