LDR Just Became a CDR and Its Going Terribly...Please Help!

[Malaga]

You have to do what is best for you regardless of the fact he moved there for you.

Exactly! I don't see why you should be forgiving about bad behaviour just because he moved to be with you. It's not carte blanche for being a douche. It's not like he drunkenly kissed someone at a party and regretted it, he planned a hook up in cold blood and probably already gone through with it ("thank you for the other night" as well as him asking her for nude pics )

People advocate you talk to him, but I'm going to say you ought to save yourself time and heartache and just cut your losses with this guy. You already had a conversation with him when you found out and he fed you ridiculous explanations, any more stalling from you is just giving him time to come up with a more plausible story. Can you trust anything he says? Is there even any possible explanation he could come up with that could make this OK? You just risk him manipulating your vulnerable state of mind into letting it go/giving him another chance. Don't do this to yourself.

Life's too short for douchebags. You don't owe him anything at all.

[elina]

Wow.. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Those messages do seem dodgy to me too, and what he did.. I'd find it totally unacceptable. She's his ex girlfriend, why does he need to be looking at her boobs (and wanting more!! what the hell?), when he could be looking at yours? That would break my heart and make me sick to my stomach. And as someone said, the way he tried to make out that only you are to blame is not cool at all. Why didn't he take responsibility?

I don't know what I'd do in your situation.. but I'm pretty sure the thought "Well he moved all the way here to be with me..." would fly right out the window for me.

I'd say talk to him, DO NOT let him make you feel it's all your fault, listen to what he's got to say to defend himself (if anything) and make your decision based on that. And remember that people do break up and move back to where they came from even after closing the distance. It's not a reason for you to stay in the relationship if you're unhappy or can't trust the person you're with.

Keep us updated, and take care *hugs* We're all here for you if you need support.

[Skye]

Thank you soo much to each and every one of you for your advice and kind words of support. You have no idea how much I appreciate it! I spoke to him last night after getting into another huge fight over something else. I couldnt believe this was our second huge fight in a week. I told him I don't see this working out and he agreed. I asked him what should we do now. He got really upset and said that I have to make up my mind on what i want so that he can decide if he's leaving NY or staying. He said, "I came here for one person". And that Im still hung up on this thing with his ex. and that told me to get out all the questions that day but to not bring it up again. I told him that I thought I was over it but I realized that I'm not. He said we can go through all his messages, that I can read everything and see that there was nothing. He said that he has wrong usage of words and that he shouldnt have said certain things when communicating with his ex. I told him that he needs to unfriend her from FB and he said "then I need to unfriend a ton of people." I told him to unfriend who he needs to unfriend. I chose not to inquire about the others he needs to unfriend. At this point in the convo, I was crying. He was hugging me and said that we knew this would be difficult and that living together and dealing with reality is a lot different from seeing each other on vacation. I simply said, "I know." So that was that. I don't know how satisfied I am with his responses but I feel better than I did before we spoke about this again. I also tried to read his facial expressions and think he was being sincere. We'll see how things go. I guess we just have to take it day by day. We both sacrificed so much to be together. And yes, I think he did want to come to the States before meeting me, so meeting me and then years later finally moving here is a dream come true for him. I know that by continuing this I risk getting seriously hurt, but I'm willing to take the risk. I took what seemed to be the common consensus from all of you to talk to him about it. Before I was thinking of doing like Malaga said and just break it off without hearing him out. My decision is made and I can only hope it turns out to be a good one. I suppose time will tell. Thank you again for all of your comments, huge hugs to all of you!!

[elina]

I'm glad you got to talk it out, I really really hope this was the one and only time he ever did anything like that. All the best, it might be rocky in the beginning but once you settle, it'll get better

[SquishyLove]

It's your decision in the long run, and I hope things work out in your favor, but who knows if he really feels bad or is just trying to cover up his shenanigans so he can stay? He'll have time to go through his messages and delete anything incriminating before he lets you read more. He can have contact with the ex and others tied to her through other methods besides fb. It's your prerogative, either way, but be prepared for some more drama in the future, because it seems like this cheater has you wrapped around his little finger right now with his manipulation. I'm not trying to be mean or negative, but I'm known for being honest. I'm a former victim of a cheater (user, addict, and abuser as well - I had all douchebaggery rolled into one bastard, lol), and most of them never change, dear. I know you love him very much, and this is really hard, but I implore you to be VERY guarded with your heart in regards to him from now on and be strong and assertive. If he f's up again, let him go. Life is too short to wait for one guy to change his ways when there are 7 billion humans and infinite possibilities to meet the one who you CAN trust with your heart. To me, just from what you've written, there are visible red flags. And the fact that you guys are already fighting so bad when he JUST MOVED HERE...I would be prepared for the worst, hon. I'm not saying it's never normal to have a disagreement, but you've already had a few BIG conflicts and he just got here. :-/ Look out for number one, him moving far away to be with you is NO get out of jail free card.

[Dezface]

He cheated. There's no getting around that. Cheating isn't just sex. And from the sounds of that "last night" message it seems sex could have very well been a factor too. Do you want to continue in a relationship with a person who is unfaithful to you and then makes it seem like your fault for snooping? In my opinion you can't treat a relationship differently because someone sacrificed a lot. He screwed up. His mistake. I'd send him packing.

[Malaga]

My decision is made and I can only hope it turns out to be a good one. I suppose time will tell. Thank you again for all of your comments, huge hugs to all of you!!

I respect your decision, after all, it's your life and you know the facts better than anyone. Just don't let him rationalise your hurt and disappointment as a reaction to living together. You didn't snap at him for leaving dirty socks on the floor or being a lazy bum. He cheated on you before you moved in together. That has nothing to do with the reality of living together. You're vulnerable right now and you want to believe him. But in my opinion he sounded really dodgy every time you questioned him about this. But for your sake I hope I'm wrong.

I wish you all the best xx

[TwoThree]

Don't have much to add to what others said, except for this one small piece of advice, regarding something that stood out to me in your second post.

and that told me to get out all the questions that day but to not bring it up again.

I don't agree with this. If there are issues you bring them up as many times as necessary until they're resolved. He can't shut you up like that.

Anyway, whatever you decide, good luck.

[Skye]

This is such a tough situation. I'm always the first to say I'd dump a guy who would do anything like this to me, but wow is it different when you're going through it. I will definitely be a lot more guarded than I was before in this relationship, not sure if that's a good or bad thing. TwoThree, I agree, I should be able to bring things up as many times as necessary until they're no longer a problem, but he won't hear of it...

Again, I thank all of you for your support. XXX

[Sabbi696]

He says they didn't meet up? but what was the "thanks for the other night, you were great" message for...that kinda sets me to believe something physical happened. Anyways, he did move all the way here to be with you...(supposedly) But I don't think I would forgive him..he's been doing this for like a year? (according to the messages) and he also set himself up to cheat. Plus cheating is one of those things that really sets me off..but this is your decision..my advice, you really need to talk to him...don't do anything before you sit down and talk. Snooping..I have a love hate thing with...people say NO snooping is bad..but I think it is ok if you have reason...and you did, he didn't open the message infront of you that was from the ex..that would send red flags to me. I am really sorry this happened.

[Buffy78]

If he moved his entire life then he wouldn't be privately messaging his ex with inappropriate messages and pics. Ditch him. Sorry to be blunt but he is only going to hurt you more. Who knows what he has been up to since you've been together. If he could lie about his ex and their contact then what else has he not told you?

I would talk to him again and let him know how it bothers you. He needs to cut ties with this ex if he wants to truly be with you. My ex refused to delete certain pics of his ex on his FB and it really upset me ESP since I was in another country visiting HIM. I knew then that he still had some feeling for her and why I will never know, she cheated on him with many co workers of his. She basically slept her way thru the Navy and Air Force....Anyway, it was a sign I ignored til it was over and I realized ok I should have know. I think I knew but it was something I didn't want to see.

If someone wants to be with you and only you they will not have questionable convos with an ex!

Good luck

[alesitag]

I've been there... I snooped around my ex's (CD) computer only to find a screenshot of a conversation between him and his ex that turned out sexual to the point of her showing him her nicely done full bikini wax (ugh!). That led me to severe self-esteem issues but I forgave him, but as a result (not trying to justify my actions) I became insecure and sought for other men's attention and I became a cheater (I stopped and I swore I'd never do that again, because I respect myself too much now to get in that position).

Four years later, I snooped around again and found another screenshot, this time with a friend of his, where she was topless... after that it all went downhill for me and I ended up leaving him after 5 and a half years together. Now I see I should have left him when I found out the first time, after being together for a little over a year...

[Jezah]

No excuses for his behavior, it sounds like leaving him is the right choice. Just because he moved to the US for you doesn't mean he isn't a cheater, like Moon said who knows if he wanted to come her anyways? You may have just been a easy way for him to move here. The whole situation just sounds bad, and I think how defensive he got when confronted coupled with him trying to change the subject to how mad he was you snooped was a big sign. If nothing happened he would have calmly explained, but he overreacted in a big way and that is a red flag. I could NEVER trust a guy if he did that, I mean asking for more pics...? Ugh, just...no.

[UntilTheStarsDie]

He was sneaking around and beind dishonest when you guys were apart, when he thought he could get away with it. And in my opinion just because you guys are now together, sooner or later it will happen again. He will just find different ways of hiding things and neaking around. Again this is just my opinion. Good luck with your decision!