Boyfriends doubts?

[Sharon Q]

I love my boyfriend to death, but sometimes his doubts really get to me.

Lately he feels I'm not committed, like I dont want to be with him, like I have interest and connect better with guys here. Also like he cant trust me.

Now these feelings come and go.

Last time we had this talk was over this past weekend.

I told him

" Its just nothing I do or say will fix this. I'm with you. I'm happy with you. I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to. I have no reason to lie to you at all.

I'm not sure why you dont trust me when I've told you everything thats happened sense being here. I have zero interest in anyone here.

I don't know why you feel I want someone else. Why do you think I dont want to be with you ?"

His response was " Idk we just need to start the day over. "

I told him from now on when he starts to feel this way he needs to tell me and not let it fester.
He said okay. I sent him some pictures and we played a phone game.

I've noticed his lack of trust in the tends to pop up quite a bit, Yes I've done stupid stuff like kiss other guys but that was when he and I were on break and We were both very confused. And I've told him about it. Which after Robert and I talked about it, nothing happened with those people again. Not in that manor anyway ( like I stayed friends with them and all but put up boundaries, no kissing or cuddling, complete friend zone )

Nothing has happened with anyone sense we have officially gotten back together and were no longer on break.

Now our definition of break is more or less taking time away to figure things out or time to think.

I'm not understanding why he is feeling this way now. things have been good with us.

I'm not sure if its doubt because of past events, or if its doubt with in himself ( not feeling good enough to be with me ) or if its just plain doubt in me or if its his depression.

But when he brings up these issues the common thing is " If you want to be with someone else " Or not feeling connected with me, and him thinking I have better male connections here.

I did make him feel better by explaining to him that I really do love him, that yes he isnt perfect, yes we fight a lot, that we're like the couple from the notebook.lol but that what we have is real and I wouldnt trade him for the world.

sense then he hasnt brought up those feelings but I fear they may come back. I mean maybe it is me, maybe I dont reassure him enough by telling him how much he means to me

I'm just not sure what to do to help him feel more secure. I don't hang around guys as much because it bothered him a lot, so I just cut back the amount of time I spend with them, yet he still feels I'm " connecting better with someone else "

Anything I could do to help him feel more secure.

[ushiwakafox]

I can understand his feelings, it's hard to deal with your SO kissing someone else (even on a break). Now you had every right to do so, but I think that is the problem with breaks it seems. Couples who take breaks seem to have good intentions, but sometimes they can cause more problems. However, when you two got back together, I feel like things that happened during your break is null and void. When you get back together with someone, you're kind of saying "I forgive you for anything you've done".
So when he still doesn't trust you, it gives you mixed messages. Which can get annoying very quickly. It almost sounds like he's feeling sorry for himself.
There's only so much you can take upon yourself for him. You need to make sure he knows that him not trusting you is hurting you and putting stress on you. Ask him what you can do to prove your trust to him.
Also just a thought, how social is he? My previous boyfriend was very to himself, very out of the crowd, lacking on social skills, and he was also very clingy and distrusting of me. It could be his own lack of confidence that is hurting you.
I can't say how I would change this. You can only do so much, but he has to be willing to forgive and forget. Until then, you can either play the waiting game, or the other option.

[InnocentWaterLilly93]

I've had some of the same issues with my boyfriend (who's name is also Robert) but at the same time even though you were on a break it still hurts to imagine the person you love kissing another. What I'm getting at is that just always tell your boyfriend that he's the only one and that those guys meant nothing to you.

[Decrepit]

This is a common when a guy is LD from his SO. But this is a little more than just random worries. A lot of guys will worry that their SO will find someone much better than them when they aren't physically there with them. I admit, I feel that way sometimes and it's completely out of the blue. But if he's like this often then something's up. Depression jumps to mind or he doesn't feel like he's good enough for you like previously said. Make sure you always re assure him an tell him his lack of trust is hurting you. Hopefully it helps!

[Haley53]

Honestly, when you've stated in the past how you both take a break from one another to fix your problems, and have taken multiple breaks, I am not surprised that this issue exists.

What I would do in your situation is sit down and talk with him about what he really wants, and then tell him how this is effecting you. By continuously providing him with reassurance, you're enabling his behaviour. Yes, it's fine to reassure your SO. We all need it sometimes. But there comes a point where enough is enough and you either have to deal with it, or realise you can't move past x or y and get out of the relationship. With the problem being this prevalent, I would say you've reached one of these points.

I can understand his hurt and insecurity. I would probably be the same way, but that reason is why I had the boundaries I did in my situation several months ago, and break or not, I probably would not have been able to handle that kind of situation. He has to decide whether or not he's the type of person who can. If he's choosing to be in a relationship with you, he's choosing to accept that you kissed other guys while you were on break and move past it. You don't get to jump back into a relationship where something like this has happened and decide that you're going to hold it over your partner's head forever, or that you're going to let it push you into a corner filled with insecurity and doubt. That insecurity and doubt is going to be there, but going back into the relationship means you're making a conscious decision to work towards getting past it. He needs to start putting in an active effort to move past it.

I know you've mentioned he's struggled with depression etc. in the past. Has he ever made any move to seek help for it? Personally, I would be straight with him. Tell him you've told him all you can as far as reassurance and you're tired of him still doubting you. You've done your part, and now he needs to do his. That type of doubt and insecurity will kill a relationship. Holding on to what you did over break will kill a relationship. Asking you to limit your time and so on with other men will only work temporarily, but he will keep needing more and more, and that will kill a relationship. Though in not so many words, I really would be blunt with him. He needs to do his part and decide if he can move past what happened, because you're tired of dealing with the consequences for doing what was the terms of your break to begin with.

[JayLovex]

I understand his trust issues. I've gone through some of the same things too. But the only difference is that whatever happened while we were on a break, no longer mattered the minute we got back together and I think this is what he needs to realize. Yes, it hurts to think about the person you love kissing someone else but they are now with you and it should be apparent to you that you are all that matters to them.

Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can say to reassure him that you probably haven't already. However, you shouldn't let his trust issues get in the way of spending time with guy friends because you are only going to make yourself miserable.

[Sharon Q]

He isn't holding what I did over my head, infact we haven't talked about it since I told him and he told me it was okay. Bu I do think that might be why he's afraid ill find someone else or connect better with someone else. Which I understand.

It's something that will take time for him to see, that I only want him.

And yes I know we've taken breaks a lot in the past but that's always how we've done things. In spite of this we are getting healthier, we've been trying to talk out our issues more. I'm glad he came to me with this even if he did wait.I've explained to him from now on he just needs to tell me when he first starts to feel that way instead of waitin to tell me.

So we are doing better but we still have things to work on.

I think a major part of it is all we talk about is school and hanging with friends being so far apart we've lost connection and we are trying to build that back up. It will take time.

As for the depression yeah he's tried stuff in the past but it tends to do more harm than good, ie medication side effects and what not. No he isn't social at least not a lot. He likes to keep to himself. It's hard for him to be comfortable around people.

[Bbth]

Well, I can relate to this because I, like your SO, am struggling against depression. I have tried a lot of meds until finding the ones the work well for me. I believe he should get help doesn't matter what happened in the past. It is important to find a doctor you trust and try to find time for therapy. He needs to try to learn from depression not succumb by it.
I am needy and I Alex tells me he loves me like each 5 sec haha
Today he showed me that Sting song, "when we dance". He said to me he could only let me go if I found someone who loved me more than he loves me. But then I had to tell him all I want is him.
We both need to be reassured of each others feelings very often.
Maybe he is this type of person too?
I know depression can make you feel like the worst person in the whole wide world so it is highly likely he thinks he doesn't deserve you.
I agree with Eclaire. You should talk to him. Make him understand how you feel about this. But, please, try to be supportive. Depression is a really dark moment and those who are going through this need all the help they can get, especially from their beloved ones.
So, that's it. Good luck

[Softy]

I understand both sides...
I understand how and why he's insecure, I'm an insecure person myself.
And I also understand that it can get tiring to feel that you have to prove yourself to him again and again.

For me, my insecurity comes from accumulating failures, moving around a lot and having very bad past relationships.
First thing first, have to know where the insecurity comes from. He has to know and work on that.

Also make sure you both communicate to know what are you guys current limits, what is 'acceptable' to do when the other isn't around.
Personally, I'm not a fan of 'breaks', but if I had to have one with my SO, I wouldn't forgive him if he would kiss someone else.
But maybe for you its perfectly fine, but for your bf it wasn't, so you have different ideas of what's ok and what isn't.

And I think there is no miracle cure to insecurity really.
Only time and support...
And work on self (for the person who is insecure).

I hope the best for you two : )

cheers

[D.4C]

maybe you need to ask him if it might have something to do with a past relationship...cuz it kinda seems that way to me...or even the not feeling good enough to be with you...just keep reassuring him...always use conversation...sooner or later....he will get it...