importance of communication

[D.4C]

so..my girlfriend texted me last night..and said that she was at target..and witnessed a conversation between a couple...and told me that she appreciated so much more now how our relationship is..she said he was very short with his SO..and that they were bickering at each other...and that she has noticed this from other couples as well lately..i'm not saying that our relationship is perfect or anything..i'm sure at some point we will have disagreements and that..but it's all in how you deal with it..and take care of things after that make the difference...from reading forums here and from what i see with my own eyes...it seems that communication nowadays is so very lacking..especially in the younger generations..yes...i am 41...so i'm allowed to say that...lol...i think that because of all the texting now...and emails and messengers and skype type things...that real conversation has really gone out the door...and is a big problem in alot of relationships..seeing in the forums about how "i don't know how to talk to him/her" or "i don't know how to bring it up to him/her"...i feel so lucky that my girlfriend and i are so open...and have talked about pretty much everything we can before we have even met...talking about everything from favorite things...to things we don't want...to what we would like or expect...and yes to sex...communication is so important in every relaionship...and the sooner you get to learn to use it...the better off you will be in the long run...not trying to preach or anything...just kind of an observation i guess...but seriously...commnication...learn it...live it...love it...lol

[Ciana]

My own SO and I have had this conversation again and again! Sure, he is only nineteen and I am seventeen, but we are always having the conversation that communication is absolutely KEY.

We have always been open, always talked about our feelings and been open about anything. From past relationships to discuasing our deepest and darkest secrets, we hide nothing feom eachother. He might be away for Basic Training right now, due to be back in less than three weeks SQUEE, but even now we take our handful of minutes together on the phone for our weekly phone calls very seriously.
There was even a time, in the beginning, when someone tried to convince me that he had cheated in his last relationship and would on me too. I stressed for a few hours until he was online again and I very bluntly asked him if this was true. It was not, we discussed it very freely, and ended up discovering a bunch of hidden drama between some friends of ours because of it.
But bottom line, I could have very well hidden that. Kept that secrets and feared him doing something to taint our beautiful relationship, and I could have very easily destroyed it myself with restrained distrust and anxiety. But I did not. I talked to him and it ended up not even being true!

I cannot agree more with what you have said (:

[Softy]

Always talk!
Never let doubts and questions float around.

[Zephii]

Whilst I completely agree with the "communication is everything" stuff, and am also bamboozled by the lack of it I see in other people's relationships, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's got very little to do with age and more to do with education. Furthermore, I'm calling bullshit on the whole argument that modern networking tools make people less capable of effective communication.

Yes, facebook makes us lazy. I admit it. I have some friends out there who I would have lost years ago if facebook didn't make catching up less awkward. But knowing how to communicate on several platforms, when done right, enhances communication rather than stunts it. I too want to rip my hair out when people come to me or come here wondering why their relationship is falling apart when it survives only on txt messaging but to lump all tech savvy people together under that banner is daft.

Look instead at the way we are socialized from a young age. Look at what the school systems teach kids. Look at the relationships kids see their parents having.

Personally, my relationship started online - was based almost solely online, through text, for five years - and I have no difficulty talking to my husband at all. Without skype, facebook and txt messages he wouldn't now have a relationship with any of the people he left behind in Canada.

I don't know, I guess where I'm going with this is that those of us who are lucky enough to have a solid foundation of communication would have that regardless of the era we grew up in (tho, I grew up with no internet or phone, so maybe I sidestepped my generation's failings that way?) because we have the other things in our lives that facilitate greater communication and understanding - like knowledge and a degree of selflessness. You can talk and listen til you're blue in the face, but all that communication doesn't do dick if you're not willing to budge.

[Moon]

OP, to dismiss the wonderful forms of communication we have these days is kind of like going back on what you're trying to say Without it, I'd never be able to maintain my relationship and our level of communication. I'm 42, so we're of the same generation, but I'll never be one of those "things were so much better in my day" people, communication methods have changed drastically, yes, but not for the worse. The world has become smaller, and that's a good thing, learn to embrace and appreciate it. C'mon man, you're making people our age look bad Don't even let me see a post from you talking about the mix tape you've sent her! Now I'm just teasing you, hah, sorry, but seriously it does take time and experience to learn effective communication skills, so of course you'll see a lot of posts from younger people regarding that, they're getting it figured out, just like we did.

[D.4C]

i think maybe some of what i said was taken in the wrong way...i'm not saying there isn't a place for other forms of communication...whether it be texting or whatever...but for some...and i said some...when real communication is replaced totally by those other forms...that is where it seems so many couples have problems...

[Zephii]

But, these are real forms of communication - when used properly/in the way they were designed at least

[louisekerry]

I think I have a slightly mixed view on this, where friends and family are concerned, as bad as this sounds I know I would have lost touch with a lot of wonderful people in my life if it weren't for things like Facebook. While I was at uni it just made it so much easier to keep in contact, which was the only reason I even signed up to it. Where my boyfriend is concerned, we were best friends for two years before we got together, and from the start we both said the reason our relationship works so well is because we are -always- honest and open with each other. If I've done something to wind him up the wrong way, he'll make sure I know about it, even if it upsets me, and the same with him.
I do think though that even with people who are close to us in real life, we could all make more of an effort to communicate with them in more meaningful ways than a comment on Facebook. I think this is why I like the idea of sending letters, they're so much more personal than an email or a message on one of these sites. I remember when I was younger, (and I'm only 22) - there wasn't any internet to entertain me until I was at least 11, and even then I used it for homework and the children's websites :P but before that, I didn't have the internet or a mobile phone, and my mum used to have 'Pen friends' that she would write to, and they'd send letters and sometimes gifts between them and when I became old enough to write letters, I became pen friends with their children, that being said we've all lost touch now, and I think out of the many pen friends my mum had she has only remained in contact with one - after they found each other on Facebook. But this contact is nothing compared to what they had by mail and I find that a little sad I guess.
So I know I do think that communication is everything in a relationship, no matter what level the relationship is on, but a lot depends on how you use it. Sometimes in busy times of my life I have friends who I haven't spoken to for months, or where the only contact has been a comment or two here and there on Facebook, I think if you back that up with enough real contact in other times to make sure they know you're there when they need you, its fine. Unfortunately sometimes people don't get that impression no matter how hard you try to deliver it, and you go your separate ways. I don't know, its a funny one.

[mawlz2012]

My personal theory on the whole issue of communication is that everyone has a different communication style, and part of what makes us compatible is whether or not we are able to understand the other person's communication style, and that he/she is able to understand ours. That being said, it is also true that the more time you spend with someone, and the more you feel emotionally invested in them, the more you start to adopt their mannerisms, expressions, and ways of speaking. (Why do you think the misuse of the term "like" is so infectious among teenagers who are in a social stage of higher levels of subconscious imitation to fit in?)

The more we figure out what we have trouble understanding in the other person (and vice versa), according to my theory, from there we can adjust our communication habits to better accommodate a relationship.

My evidence lies in the fact that when I ask my boyfriend how it is that he often knows how I'm feeling and what I want without my having to say anything, he told me that he just listened to my face and my body. And that, to him, I'm the same way, without even knowing it. (Is that what's called sympatico?) We still have certain issues regarding frequency of contact between visits, since our relationship has been long-distance only about half the time, so that piece of "evidence" above should be taken with a grain of salt.

My main point, though, is just that the concept of "communication is key" is more complex than just, "Tell your partner EVERYTHING. And print/non-print textual forms of communication DON'T COUNT." Everything counts. It's about (physical & non-physical) contact; quantity and quality. I'm sure if John & Abby Adams had facebook, email, IM, or text messaging to expedite the letters that kept their marriage alive, they'd have used it. :P

[Haley53]

I honestly feel like communication is only a part of it. I feel like communication is both a starting point and a result of something more. I don't feel that methods of communication, such as Facebook, e-mail, and so on are to blame for the inability to communicate in person in the younger generation, but rather that it boils down to, like Zephii said, education. I think many of us can attest to the fact that our second, third, x-number of relationship is better in ways than the one before it. Why? Because we've gotten another chance at experiencing what does and does not work in a relationship. When you're young and in love, you're experiencing love in the passionate, feisty, intense way that most teenagers do. It's similar to what's portrayed in the media, and that's the ideal young people are given to live up to. Communication isn't always a part of the "healthy" relationships seen featured in the media, but rather those relationships emphasise love, passion, and an undying willingness to do anything in the name of love. While I'm not saying younger generations intentionally and consciously copy what's portrayed in the movies, I would say that love resembling of Hollywood is a lot more common in the teenage and college years than when you're older and a bit more seasoned.

In addition, communication is a learned trait. Some of us are born with parents who communicate effectively, even if it's only one who's doing so, therefore are presented with a model for how to communicate at an early age. Some of us are able to see where our parents went wrong, and modify it to improve communication in our own relationships. Others need to learn through trial and error, and even where there has been practice, modelling, and education, communication is still a learned skill. People can tell me, for example, how most effectively to communicate something to my SO, but while I might apply it to that situation in particular, it might take applying it to more situations before I begin to generalise it across the board. I think people sometimes look at other relationships that have yet to learn effective communication and end up comparing their relationships with... Well, almost a sense of arrogance, and I'll admit, I've done it too. But in the end, communication is a learned skill. Some people never learn it, true, but to say younger generations haven't learned it and attribute it to something that may or may not be relevant, well... I think the age in general has more to do with it than the methods for communicating (which have, for some, actually improved their ability to communicate, I might add).

With all that said, like I said in the beginning, communication is not only key and a part of the foundation for a solid relationship, but it's built on top of a foundation of friendship, trust, and perhaps more importantly, respect. Respect is something that's quite undervalued when people think about what's necessary in relationships. Even if you ask people, as some have done on this forum, what are the keys to a successful foundation, things such as honesty, trust, and communication are mentioned, but friendship and especially respect are a little less so. Because neither are seen as popularly necessary in a relationship, I think that that comes into play with how many relationships struggle, either initially or in general, with how to communicate. When you have a foundation of friendship, you're going to interpret what the other person says completely differently in addition to knowing how to phrase things based on your friendship/foundation with that person. When you have a foundation of respect, you're going to do your best to speak to that person like a learned, intelligent, emotional individual, neither placing yourself above nor below them, which can also cause problems. Where you have friendship and respect, you naturally have a better grasp on communication because both of those traits enhance the communication. Where you lack those two, you can still have communication, but it might be less solid due to lacking the foundation communication needs to thrive.

Still, at 41 and I'm assuming been divorced or through break-ups or had other life experiences, it's not really fair to compare your communication to that of younger generations, such as those that post on here, many of whom are in first or second relationships with little prior experience. I'm guessing you didn't come out of the womb communicating perfectly, either, so I do think age is more of a factor than method.

[louisekerry]

(Why do you think the misuse of the term "like" is so infectious among teenagers who are in a social stage of higher levels of subconscious imitation to fit in?)

I have to admit I have fallen victim to this annoyingly infectious term, hehe. Probably from my cousins, actually :P

[D.4C]

But, these are real forms of communication - when used properly/in the way they were designed at least

they are real...but not the same as talking face to face...or even on the phone...i say this because so many times in the forums on here...i read where couples can text and instant message all they want...but when it comes to actually talking...there is a huge barrier...i just think the sooner couples start that kind of confrontation...the better off the relationship is...just my point of view...from experience

[Nbaby]

Im only 21 so i have no idea how u guys communicated before this. Im basically born in the era of technology. I dont know any better. I am happy with skype, facebook, texting and all other stuff. I agree that communication is very important in a relationship. It was lack of communication that ended my last relationship. But that wasnt becuz i didnt know how to communicate with my ex. That was more personal, i was more scared of his reaction to things.

Anyhow thanks to communication tools like skype,texting,facebook,IM It makes LDR A lot easier. I didnt want to have it any other way. And i also dont know better. I also predict that LDR will become more normal in the future since everything is going online now. U make online friends u make online lovers. But i understand where ure coming from i guess it was an entire different world before the internet .

[Haley53]

they are real...but not the same as talking face to face...or even on the phone...i say this because so many times in the forums on here...i read where couples can text and instant message all they want...but when it comes to actually talking...there is a huge barrier...i just think the sooner couples start that kind of confrontation...the better off the relationship is...just my point of view...from experience

Again, it's a learned trait. The couples here WILL learn, but a first or second time relationship commonly struggles with communication problems and probably did before technology too; technology simply opened a gateway and made it easier and more convenient to text. It took me to this relationship to learn how to apply communicating with my SO in person. I can also communicate avidly online. Having BOTH enhances our long-distance relationship where yes, we Skype, but our primary communication is text (due to costs and convenience). It is important to know how to communicate both in the written word, especially in LDRs, and in person/on the phone. But to look down on teenage couples who don't have highly evolved communication skills... Or even to compare your adult relationship to them, I mean, c'mon man. You learn through experience how to communicate, work with people, and become a productive member of society and in relationships. You learn this through practice, even extraverts, and this was a learned skill even prior to technology. Just because something makes something else easier, it doesn't mean that something easier wasn't still difficult to begin with.

I also want to add that talking online is communicating also. Being able to communicate in person, but not online, is as detrimental in today's day and age as being able to communicate effectively online, but not in person. The fact of the matter is, generations are becoming more and more technological. Communication should keep up with that importance. Downgrading the importance of technological communication in a world where it's becoming more and more valued is silly, but rather, one should be emphasising the importance of learning how to communicate both through the computer/phone and talking with their SO, coworkers, clients, etc. Neither one method is more important than the other. They simply are different contextually.