He doesn't care if I cheat...

[MaggieS]

So long as it's a girl. :/

Background: I'm bisexual. Not bi-curious, not willing to experiment, I date girls and boys and I've experienced equally strong feelings for members of either gender.

Normally I don't bring that kind of thing up, because it's led to issues before(people freaking out because there are now double the people to feel insecure about), but we did meet on an online site, and I was advertised as bisexual. So he knew from day one.

Lately he's been asking me a lot about what I think about other girls. Not just what my type is, but for example last night I promised to take pictures for him tomorrow, because I had been really busy all day and was extremely tired at that point. He asked for pictures in the school bathroom, normally I wouldn't have a problem with that, but my new school has this weird problem with no privacy...Windows in the bathrooms, glass doors, and it's always packed on breaks. So I explained how the windows/doors made it impossible to take a good picture unless he wanted the toilet in it, and he immediately jumped upon the idea of the glass doors. I believe he asked if it turned me on, to see everyone 'exposed' like that. I don't know what he was thinking, because there were still stalls, but it still weirded me out and I avoided the question.

He asks things like that a lot, and it's been bothering me, so last night I cracked and told him how I didn't like it. He didn't get why, saying that he found it incredibly attractive that I liked girls, and he 'loved to think about me dominating another girl.' (That's my fault, when we were first intimate I had a small problem adapting to the more submissive role, and explained to him that I was used to being the dominant personality.) I tried to explain to him that if I were to ever 'dominate another girl while in a relationship with him' then it would mean I had cheated on him, and that we were over, because if I was in a place where I could cheat on him then I no longer respected or cared about him. All he said was that he felt sad that I saw it as cheating, because he didn't. He told me he wouldn't be hurt if I slept with another girl, just turned on! I tried, so many times, to explain that I don't have sex needlessly, that I would care a lot about this nonexistent person if I were to sleep with them, and yadda yadda. He said, and I'm quoting here, he 'doesn't have a problem with me caring about someone else because' he knows 'i care about him more.' Which in a way, I'm glad he's secure in my feelings for him, but seriously?! You don't care if I develop feelings for another person, you don't care if I cheat?! I was pretty hurt/upset at that point and I lashed out at him, and said that I hated that he'd ever found out I was bi and I wish he never knew, and I told him that I felt like he saw my bisexuality as a free ticket for two girls. (I don't think he sees it like that, I just don't think he has a realistic idea in his head of what me and another girl would actually be.) That obviously didn't go over well, and I apologized almost immediately afterwards, but at that point it was 3 in the morning and I had school today, so we agreed to breathe on this one, and said goodnight.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to talk about any potential attractions I might have for girls with him? I would never in a million years have told one of my ex-girlfriends that I found some man attractive, god forbid some other woman, and I feel like the same rules apply here. I don't WANT to sleep with anyone else, I HAVEN'T been attracted to anyone else, and I've run into many people of my type!

I just don't know what to do...

[snow_girl]

Maybe you need to tell him that if he is open to you being with other women then he also needs to be open to you being with other men because it is the same thing. Start telling him about all the men that you see in your day that you find attractive. It sounds like you being bisexual is quite a novelty to him (can't blame a guy I guess) you need to get it though his head that you being with girls is no different then guys and maybe then he'll get it.

[Haley53]

I don't see why attractions need to be discussed to begin with. I can understand your feelings, though. I would probably be a bit hurt and feel a bit compromised if my SO took my sexuality as lightly as it's coming across your SO does. That said, while I know my SO and some others' SOs on the site here aren't into the idea of their girlfriend hooking up with another girl, there are a lot of men who do fantasise about two women, or about having threesomes with their partner and another woman as well. I think that it's possible that for men with these fantasies, someone being bisexual makes that possibility more than a simple fantasy; even if it would never happen, it makes it possible in the sense that their partner has the capacity to be attracted to other women and to see other women as attractive, adding a sense of realism to the fantasy that's ingrained in so many men's heads.

If I were you, I would honestly tell him that while you're sorry for lashing out, and while you might have responded harshly to what he was saying, you would rather he not ask you questions that put you in that position because it makes you feel uncomfortable, and that you don't want to give him any unrealistic expectations that you're ever going to hook up with another girl [while with him] or that you're ever going to want to, because you won't. I would simply tell him his comments crossed a line and made you feel uncomfortable because you aren't ever going to make that fantasy/turn-on a reality for him, and so you would rather not discuss it or be put in a position where you're forced to fulfill it. While you may have lashed out, you still have the right to put your foot down and tell him when you feel he's disrespecting a line he shouldn't have crossed to begin with. Personally, I'd take it as a fantasy, set the boundary of him not putting you in a position to verbally fulfill it, and move on from it. I would try not to dwell on it, or take it for more than face value.

[MaggieS]

D:
But I don't want to hurt him, and that's all that I could see me talking about other guys would do. I guess I'll try saying that bit about if I can sleep with women, I can sleep with men, maybe that'll wake him up without being too hurtful...I just really don't want to push him away, this is the only thing that we butt heads on so far, he's been amazing to me.


EDIT: Thanks, Eclaire, I'll try your suggestions when we talk tonight as well. I guess I knew I needed to say all of that anyway, but I have a few self-esteem issues where I feel like if I say 'absolutely no' to something because it makes me uncomfortable, I'll end up losing my SO. Not that I logically would ever think he would leave me over something like this, it's just one of my many irrational fears xD I need to put my big girl pants on and tell him.

[Haley53]

D:
But I don't want to hurt him, and that's all that I could see me talking about other guys would do. I guess I'll try saying that bit about if I can sleep with women, I can sleep with men, maybe that'll wake him up without being too hurtful...I just really don't want to push him away, this is the only thing that we butt heads on so far, he's been amazing to me.

While I'm of course biased to my own advice, I would avoid doing this. :/ I would simply tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, why, and ask him not to cross the line and be firm about it (ignore his attempts at initiating it, if you have to). Once you start making comparisons with other men or talking about men you find attractive, that's when you start playing games and compromise the integrity of your relationship, in my opinion.

[MaggieS]

While I'm of course biased to my own advice, I would avoid doing this. :/ I would simply tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, why, and ask him not to cross the line and be firm about it (ignore his attempts at initiating it, if you have to). Once you start making comparisons with other men or talking about men you find attractive, that's when you start playing games and compromise the integrity of your relationship, in my opinion.

Well that's what I meant when I said I don't want to point out the men that I find attractive anymore than I want to point out the women, but I don't see what would be wrong with explaining that because I feel the same emotions for both genders, if it's okay for me to cheat with a woman, then it's also okay for me to cheat with a man. I really feel like he needs to see the two as the same thing, or he's never going to get over it. I'm not saying that I'm going to make the demand that I can sleep with both genders while dating him(god, I don't even want to look at anyone :/), I'm going to point out that sleeping with one is equal to sleeping with another, and that if I were in the mindset to cheat with a woman, I would also be in the mindset to cheat with a man, and it would just be a luck game of who showed up first. In the hypothetical world where I'm a cheating scum bag, obviously.

[Haley53]

Well that's what I meant when I said I don't want to point out the men that I find attractive anymore than I want to point out the women, but I don't see what would be wrong with explaining that because I feel the same emotions for both genders, if it's okay for me to cheat with a woman, then it's also okay for me to cheat with a man. I really feel like he needs to see the two as the same thing, or he's never going to get over it. I'm not saying that I'm going to make the demand that I can sleep with both genders while dating him(god, I don't even want to look at anyone :/), I'm going to point out that sleeping with one is equal to sleeping with another, and that if I were in the mindset to cheat with a woman, I would also be in the mindset to cheat with a man, and it would just be a luck game of who showed up first. In the hypothetical world where I'm a cheating scum bag, obviously.

That I don't see as game playing, and if you find it necessary... Well, it's your SO. I would simply think that letting him know something makes you uncomfortable and you'd like him to stop would be less likely to put him on the defensive/upset him and hopefully something he would respect and therefore not bring up in the future, but you know what approaches your SO needs, so I say go for it. I simply wanted to comment on pointing out attractive men.

[Black_Halloween]

So he'd be okay with it, but are you? It doesn't seem like you are but i'm just going on instinct here so please tell me if i'm wrong. Explain to him, calmly, that you're really uncomfortable with what he's telling you to do. If he can't respect that then its up to you what to do with it next.

Also, if you are okay with it, you're opening up your relationship and three things would have to happen:

1. You need to tell him that if its okay to sleep with other women, its okay to sleep with other men too.
2. You would have to be open up to the idea that its okay for HIM to fool around too.
3. Set ground rules. Do you ask each other about a certain person before you sleep with them? ectect

I personally don't like the idea of open relationships, i'm a one person woman but I know that there are many people who think different. I hope this helped. xxx <3

[MaggieS]

So he'd be okay with it, but are you? It doesn't seem like you are but i'm just going on instinct here so please tell me if i'm wrong. Explain to him, calmly, that you're really uncomfortable with what he's telling you to do. If he can't respect that then its up to you what to do with it next.

Also, if you are okay with it, you're opening up your relationship and three things would have to happen:

1. You need to tell him that if its okay to sleep with other women, its okay to sleep with other men too.
2. You would have to be open up to the idea that its okay for HIM to fool around too.
3. Set ground rules. Do you ask each other about a certain person before you sleep with them? ectect

I personally don't like the idea of open relationships, i'm a one person woman but I know that there are many people who think different. I hope this helped. xxx <3

Oh my god, no. No, no, no. No. No. >< NO.

Never in a million years. I'm physically incapable, I think I would throw up if...Just no. I would break up with anyone before I ever strayed. I couldn't. I just couldn't deal with that.

[Black_Halloween]

Alright then, go with the first thing I said haha.

[MaggieS]

I'm scared of what happens if he can't respect that :/
What do I do then?

[Black_Halloween]

If that happens, you just have to weigh your options, the pros and cons ectect. xxx <3 I hope it all goes well for you.

[EnglishMan]

Maybe you need to tell him that if he is open to you being with other women then he also needs to be open to you being with other men because it is the same thing. Start telling him about all the men that you see in your day that you find attractive. It sounds like you being bisexual is quite a novelty to him (can't blame a guy I guess) you need to get it though his head that you being with girls is no different then guys and maybe then he'll get it.

Exactly this. I know with us guys there seems to be some idea that its super hot for 2 girls to get with other, but he needs to realise that it is no different to you getting with a another guy.

Your best bet is to make him realise that it actually isn't any different to getting with a guy. He's either open to an open relationship or he isn't. He may like the idea of you being bisexual, he may like the thought of you with another girl, some guys like that I guess. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what his preferences are, if it makes you uncomfortable thats the most important part to consider.

Tell him you're in a relationship with him. Other girls/guys/people aren't of interest to you in that way, as you're with him. Make him aware that it's a fantasy thing for him, and that carrying that out would for you require you to develop feelings within another person, which you dont want to do because you love him.

[Caitlin2009]

honestly it is a guys wet dream to see two girls doing that sort of thing. I mean if me and Denise are just holding hands down the street and a guy passes by us we immediatly get guys who smile and do double takes and if we could hear them im sure the first thing they would think is "heh.....wouldnt mind watching what they do while there alone" its a guy thing! lol but honestly if your bothered by that then tell him, and tell him to stop bringing it up

[Belle]

I get where you're coming from but its not like he's asking you to cheat right? He just wouldn't be bothered if you slept with another girl. He does need to understand that its the same as cheating with a guy and thats just not appropriate. However, he's entitled to his fantasies. You can't expect to change his fantasies or make him care out of no where (though we all want to know our SOs would not be open to sharing us). What you can do is ask him to stop asking you about these things. It makes you feel uncomfortable and thats not fair for you. Hope he understands that and backs off on that aspect =).