Things just got more complicated...

[BlueEyedBoiseGirl]

Long story short, my SO is soon going to be involved in what will likely become a very ugly custody battle.

Long story not so short...

His daughter is the world to him, so this will pretty much be his sole focus until it is settled. The impending custody battle just became a reality yesterday (when the baby-mama decided it was time to cause some SERIOUS drama), but I expect that he will have little to no time for much else. His daughter lives in the same city as I do. He travels here often for work, to see her, and to see me. But she is the absolute priority. Of course when he is in town, work will be a given. Now that all of this is going on, though, I am afraid "my" time will disappear.

Though I have met his daughter a few times before we began dating, I have not seen her since we started our relationship. He doesn't want to bring women in and out of her life, so he wants to be sure that what we have will be for the long-run before I meet her as his SO. I think we were getting close to that point... but now all this. With a baby-mama that will no doubt make things as ugly as possible in court, bringing a new girlfriend into the picture is probably not a good idea.

So what can I do in this situation?

Our relationship is slowly but surely progressing, though it isn't at the point of being "serious" yet. I don't want to lose him, and I don't want the timing of all of this (combined with the newness of our relationship) to put an end to things. I can honestly see a future with him, and I think he feels the same way towards me. I completely understand that our relationship will not be the first priority for the time being, and I am ok with that. I know how important his daughter is to him, and I want to support him through all of this.

I guess I'm just looking for some sort of advice. Have any of you dealt with similar drama from your SO's ex? How do you deal with it? When our time together will likely be decreasing significantly, how can I keep the relationship going? Suddenly all of my selfishness (wanting more attention from him, etc) is going to have to go away. I can do that. But how do I be there for him when I can't be involved in any of what's going on?

Any suggestions or words of encouragement you all may have would be greatly appreciated, as I have no children of my own, have never dated anyone with children before, and suddenly understand how having kids from past relationships can really complicate future relationships.

[D.4C]

it's very good that you are being understanding that his daughter definitely comes first...cuz if you ever asked him to choose...you would lose...so kudos for that...i guess i would pretty much tell him alot of what you posted...let him know your worries...and what you would like after the custody battle is over...and ask him what you can do to be supportive...just be there when you can...that will mean so much to him...especially when his ex is being such a beotch...cuz he will see that by you sticking by him through all of this...that you are the one he has been waiting for...you just need to be patient...knowing how hard that is...just gonna have to do it...

[Moon]

This is always a problem when you date someone with children, especially if you don't have kids yourself. When my daughter was young, I was very careful about dating, and like your guy, I didn't want random men in and out of her life, and of course she was always my top priority. Being the single parent is incredibly difficult, you NEVER get to come first, everything you do, you do with your kids in mind, you have to. The best thing to do is probably always put yourself in his shoes, and know he feels bad about it, but his hands are tied. Try to be patient and kind when family situations come up, it's frustrating, sure, but if he's a decent guy, he will appreciate it.

Just remember though, this will be a major part of your entire relationship with him, and custody battles can continue until that kid turns 18. Ask yourself if this relationship is something you really want, and are ready for. This is something you should be very sure of before it gets serious. Good luck.

[dizzyupthemeg]

I dont have any more advice than what the above posters have offered, but I did want to tell you good luck! I work in child support / custody situations and I know how ugly they can get. It's a lot of stress on EVERYONE involved. Situations like this require a lot of extra hard work and a lot of strength to get through. I hope in the long run everything works out for you and him both.

[Verojoon]

*hugs*

Try to look at the positive? It looks like he has even more reason to be in your town now... You may see it less to start with (and I know how much that sucks!), but once the dust is settled and everything, you may end up seeing him more (just with an additional person to love present!)

[notyourexgirlfriend]

The best advice I can give is to be patient and understanding.

My SO has had to be this way with me for the best part of 2 years now. When we were introduced, I was at the beginning of a custody battle for my daughter with her father. Her father kicked me out of the marital home in August 2010 on the instigation of someone I called friend. My ex friend and ex husband are now together and have a newborn daughter that my child will meet when she flies back to her father tomorrow for visitation.

Going through a rather embroiled and bitter custody battle takes it out of you. It takes all of your energy, time and focus to make sure you're doing the right thing. On top of the custody battle, I was coming to terms with a new diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. It was hell on earth. My ex tried all kinds of tricks to alienate me from my child. Cutting off communication, interfering, brainwashing and even breaking the law. My ex friend also jumped on that drama llama bandwagon and created a whole heap of issues on her own.

The easiest way to explain my situation is that it was a cross between Maury Povich, Jerry Springer and Judge Judy. We had the baby daddy, the trailer trash (ex friend) and the angry judge. After 20 months of fighting tooth and claw I ended up with majority custody. My SO had been there for me through most of it all. We knew each other before the marriage broke down (my ex had an affair with ex friend that I only found out about later on) there was no involvement until many months later.

Be there for him. Support him and try and understand that there will be some days where he just doesn't feel like communicating. Especially when things get rough in legal terms. It can be overcome but a lot of patience is involved. I am very lucky to have the SO that I do. There were some very, very dark moments where I considered giving up and he was there to help me through it all, encouraging me to keep going.

I just hope what your SO is going through is nowhere near as bad as what I went through. Best of luck!

[BlueEyedBoiseGirl]

Well... so much for that. He decided that he is not ready to let someone in while dealing with the custody battle, so I just got dumped. Pretty much sucks

[mllebamako]

Well... so much for that. He decided that he is not ready to let someone in while dealing with the custody battle, so I just got dumped. Pretty much sucks

Oh no!! I'm so sorry. It's sad that he didn't give it a chance b/c you really seemed like you were being very understanding and supportive.

*hugs*

[BlueEyedBoiseGirl]

Oh no!! I'm so sorry. It's sad that he didn't give it a chance b/c you really seemed like you were being very understanding and supportive.

*hugs*

Thanks. I find this to be unbelievably frustrating. He is still very interested in me, and wants to continue our relationship... but is not ready to let me in on an emotional level with everything else going on. We have since talked and decided to maintain contact as friends, but the contact will be decreased (no nightly phone calls or cutesy text messages throughout the day), and when we spend time together in person things will be on a strictly platonic level. Though not my ideal solution to the problem, at least this way there will be a chance that we can come out on the other side together. If nothing else, it may just turn into a very close friendship.

On the bright side, as friends I will be more likely to spend time with his daughter down the road. If we do get back together as a couple, she will already know and be comfortable with me. Taking a step backward to make moving forward a possibility I guess...

[porcelanne]

Wish I could advise. Children from past relationships really complicate future ones, but it is good you realise that to his daughter you'll always come second. That sounds harsh but it is a reality I have to live with. It's a sad thing to have to accept though. If they have children before being with you you'll never come first. My SO has a beautiful daughter, and she'll always come first. Her mother is unpredictable. Sometimes horrendously difficult and sometimes civil, it is confusing. The only thing you can do is be there for him, be involved when he asks and the rest of the time wait for him to get through it. Don't complicate his life more or you'll lose him so just be there for when he needs you. If he's worth it you'll develop the patience of a saint, and the resolve to not think you are entitled to anything in return. You have to wait, be kind, be selfless and above all there for him.

[porcelanne]

oh god!! I just saw this! so sorry