Alone time

[marbear31]

Hi everyone!

I'm not sure if I'm writing this to simply get it out, or if I just need to feel like I'm not crazy. :P I just wanted some honest advice, and to anyone who reads this in advance, thank you.

So, Stephen and I have been going out for just over a year now. (Yay!) I just arrived back from spending 3 of the most wonderful months of my life with him in Ireland this summer, and it was everything I wanted, and more. It was the first time we got to be in the same place for a solidified amount of time, without one of us leaving/going on trips.

It's been about a month now since I got back, and things are great. I miss him like crazy every day, but I'm coping much better this time than I did the first time around. Instead of compromising my entire life for our relationship, I'm focusing on school, writing (when I can), and getting things back on track so I can move over to Ireland as soon as possible after graduation. I know I've definitely matured in my coping capabilities, but I feel these past few weeks, like we're only getting to see each other on the fly (I'm either always working or doing homework. Literally. This year I'm in all English classes, plus a philosophy one, and my entire workload is reading and writing papers.). I tried bringing this up a few weeks ago, but I didn't go about it the best way (basically, I told him I felt like his TV was his new girlfriend, and it was definitely just my PMS speaking). I apologized, of course, and decided to value every moment, instead of wishing we had more time--sometimes, which is just physically impossible.

The thing is, his sister recently moved up to his hometown (he's been living with his dad for the past year to save up for my ticket this summer, and to save on money), and she has two lovely, wonderful kids, who I bonded with really well this summer. I love his entire family, and I really enjoy the times I get to chat with his niece and nephew (his sisters' kids). He also has a son and semi step daugher (he's been her father figure her entire life, even though he's not her biological father) whom I adore. Basically, it's family love. His sister is a successful businesswoman, and, because of the recent move, she travels 3 1/2 hours for about half the week, and has left the kids with Stephen (she is paying him, so that's not an issue :P). I can tell he really enjoys spending time with them, taking them to school (I swear, my heart melts every time he makes their lunches ), etc. The thing is, the kids are always there. He's a huge softy, and lets them use his Ipad (that we use to skype) pretty much whenever they want. Then, if his son and stepdaugher are there on the weekends, it's even more of a revolving door, and I just feel like we rarely get a chance to talk, at least deeply, any more. We haven't had a "deep" chat since I got back pretty much--mostly, it's "How was your day/this is what I did" and that's it. It's not awkward by any means, but I just feel we haven't connected on the level I'm used to for quite awhile.

I know part of it is the readjustment from 24/7 together to 20-30 minutes a day, if we're lucky. I know he's doing this with the kids to not only help his sister out, but to save up for moving out of his dad's place. I just...I miss us. I miss the constant intimacy, the goodnight kisses, everything. It's not an issue of us talking every day; it's an issue of us being able to talk without interruption.

I wouldn't dream of asking the kids to leave, because I love chatting with them just as much. They're so incredibly sweet, and I love getting to keep in touch with his family. Maybe I'm just frustrated now...I don't know.

How do you guys keep precious alone time, especially those of you with kids, or who are dating someone with kids? I feel like such a horrible girlfriend, because I feel like it makes me sound like I don't like his family, but I just adore them. And he's working (pretty) steadily again, and we're both living much healthier personal lives.

Is it just me still readjusting to university life? Is this even an issue? Am I a horrible girlfriend? I love him so much, and I just would love to have more quality alone time together, but I do not want to nag, sound ungrateful, or make it seem like he puts no effort into this relationship, because he puts so much in.

Maybe I just need some words of wisdom? A whack on the head? :P Any response is appreciated, and thanks for reading.

[Softy]

I hear ya~!
You are not a horrible gf by any means!
You just miss him and this distance is doing its thing, makin small things heavier really.

My bf is a family person, sometimes we are suppose to talk one night and then he goes out with his family instead.
he is also in a band, so he practices with his friens, happens sometimes we plan to talk and he goes out beein musical.
Or he works overtime...
Or some friends show up randomly at his place to pick him up and go out.

yes all these things get to me to....
Mostly because we don't spend time together face to face and all i have are these lil moments online for now.

So I think these lil moments are very important to us all.
When they are taken away, even when its for understandable reasons it's normal to be a lil frustrated.

We get fuzzy because we love our SO : )

Keep strong until the distance in closed !

cheers < 3

[Verojoon]

How old are the kids? What is the time difference between you? I have kids. It's true that it's nearly impossible to have a conversation with any sort of depth when they are around. Luckily my little ones are small and our time difference is minimal.. so that we have most evening uninterrupted (they go to bed at 7:30 which is 6:30 in his time zone) Is there a way to schedule a late night once a week to get caught up on conversation?

I think it is important for any couple that has children involved to learn to find a balance of family time and couple time.. and it is a very valuable lesson.

Many people keep on simply repeating that children come first... I do not agree 100% with that statement... Let me explain.

A child's basic need should come first: A roof over their head, food in the stomach, a loving, safe and secure environment, etc. Once those needs are met, your healthy, committed relationship should come first. He will always love his kids. The love is more or less unconditional.. A relationship takes more work. Some days it is hard to love your partner, and on those days your relationship cannot take the back burner, so you can concentrate on the kids and find years down the road you didn't save your relationship while you still had a chance... I also believe it is healthy for children to sometimes see other people come before them...

I got wayyyy off topic... Really what I meant to say was just that you should communicate your needs to him in much the same way as you did with us and work actively at finding a compromise and a solution. Of course whatever solution you come to will not be the same as when you were together, and not be the same as if there were no children involved, but it sounds like you are very realistic and realize that.

Good luck!

[Kiyama]

I understand you so well. I'm in a comparable situation: an amazing summer in the US with my SO and now from 100% to like 5%. It's painful. My SO and I don't get more than 20 minutes a day, if we aren't lucky and often it's even less.

What is important to keep in mind that this has nothing to do with what he does. It's the circumstances that don't allow you to talk more. Life happens and you have a big time difference too. I'm sure at times he would be free for a chat, you are either asleep or busy.

I would also suggest you schedule one night a week to catch up properly Maybe he could go to an internet café for that or something?

I wish I could give you better advice or a solution you'd like better. We all would like to hear that I guess I feel for you but remember this isn't forever and you can do this!

[blankita719]

My SO and I each have a son. For him, it's a little easier since his son is 17 but my son is 9 and likes my attention

What works for us is talking after my son goes to bed. It might not be possible given the time difference between the two of you to do this. But if it is at all, suggest it! It's always important to have alone time. Otherwise, see if he doesn't mind asking the kids if he can take a quick break to talk to you. Sometimes on Sunday afternoons, I will be talking to my SO in my bedroom and my son knows that if I go in the room, it's because I want to have a little bit of privacy. If I'm out in the living room, it's fair game.

You are not a bad girlfriend because you want a little undivided attention. Just ask him

[marbear31]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for your replies!! I think a lot of this stems from frustration I was feeling last night, because a couple of weeks ago when this happened, it hit me really hard emotionally, because I wasn't used to his attention being divided so much. (Wow, that makes me sound like such a petulant child...:P) This morning, we actually got a chance to talk alone for the first time in quite awhile (even if it was for only ten minutes :P). I'm in a much better frame of mind this morning. The thing was (and it didn't hit me till this morning), I felt like he wasn't as eager to talk to me as he normally is, but I'm sure it was either my own imagination or me just missing him immensely. We just have one of those relationships that's very fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, go with the flow, easy, natural, sort of deal, so normally this sort of stuff--it's not like it happens regularly or anything, just something I'd felt recently--doesn't bother me at all. I just love talking to his family, and it was so cute this morning because they were all fighting over the camera to talk to me! Felt the love through the screen...:P But, at the end of the conversation, I could tell Stephen was frustrated with them, and he finally asked them to leave so we could have a little privacy time. As silly as it sounds, it made everything shift back into focus again, and it's just good again.

Apparently, the kids came up with a new strategy as well for him to buy them sweets--tell him I loved that ice cream/candy bar/chocolate/anything that makes your teeth rot while I was there this summer, and he can't resist buying it for them. I never imagined being used as a coercion for candy, but it's just one of the small things that makes me know that he's always talking about and thinking of me.

It's the little things that count, don't they?

Also, with having that "special day" to ourselves, I agree that would be absolutely wonderful, and Sundays are normally good for us. But for the weekends he has his son, the times he can be on are dictated by the times he has to bring his son back to his ex's (in Ireland, the mother normally has full custody if there's no marriage or partnership), so, basically, she dictates if he can even see his son, and the poor guy has to bend over backwards just to see the little man in his life. Again, I wouldn't dream of placing any holds on that, and if those times he has to bring him back clash with a longer time we could skype, then I make do and move on. I'm just trying to re-orient myself, day by day, into being thankful for what I do have, instead of constantly lamenting I'm not with him.

Kiyama, I empathize with you so much! And you hit the nail on the head--it's always the circumstances. I just have to keep remembering that.

blankita, that's what we do, too, talk after the kids have gone to bed. No rest for the wicked!

Verojoon, thanks for your kind words. His son is 9, and his stepdaughter is 18. We're kind of like a warped little Brady bunch, but it just works for us, and I wouldn't have it any other way. For example, after he left this morning to pop down to the shop, I sat and talked with the kids for another 30 minutes. I think it's so vital to form relationships with all of them, too.

softy, I gotcha girlie. It sucks, but we make do, yes? Keep strong yourself, love!

Thanks again everyone!