Need advice, again

[Jezah]

This may sound like a cop out but I don't remember why we are no longer on a "break"....or maybe we are? The ECT has taken a massive toll on my ability to remember things, so while I sorta remember taking the break I have no clue if we are still on it technically or not.

The ECT is also part of this, it is a LOT of stress on me. I am getting up at 5am 3 mornings a week to get in my moms car, drive 30 minutes, get to a hospital, have them poke me dozens of times before they find a vein and then wheel me into an OR where they pump me full of anesthetic, muscle paralytic and electricity. I wake up feeling like I was hit by a train, go home and sleep. When I have days off, like this weekend, I need the stress relief of my boyfriend. So I admit to being hurt that he refuses to be there for me right now, instead choosing his friends who he sees all the time anyways.

I could probably say most of that more eloquently...but my brain is fried

[Haley53]

I will say this again as I have said it before, HBB is not capable of being there for you, Jezah. In every thread you make - even if it's that you come here only when things aren't great, you still post with the same underlying issue often enough in a short time span (under 1 year) - you mention how he's not there for you when you need him; in every post, you always mention how you really need him to be there for you, especially at the time of posting. Like many people have said and reiterated, if you intend to stay with HBB, as you've said you do, you have to cope with his inability to be there for you. He disappears with his friends or his family every single time something is going on in your life. Some people are fair-weathered, and they never change. You have a fair-weathered boyfriend who's only your boyfriend when things go well; while it might not be that he doesn't care enough, he's simply not capable of handling the bigger experiences you face in your life. Break or no break, HBB has refused to be there for you through tough times before and he will continue to do so. He is fair-weathered. This is one of HBB's characteristics. If you get upset over his tendency to be fair-weathered so frequently that you post about it every month or every other month, you should re-evaluate the relationship, but since you've made it clear you aren't going to do this, my advice to you is going to be to find a way to deal with it, because this is the way HBB is going to be and if you want to be with him, you need to be prepared (and strong enough) to handle your tough times alone.

[Moon]

I will say this again as I have said it before, HBB is not capable of being there for you, Jezah. In every thread you make - even if it's that you come here only when things aren't great, you still post with the same underlying issue often enough in a short time span (under 1 year) - you mention how he's not there for you when you need him; in every post, you always mention how you really need him to be there for you, especially at the time of posting. Like many people have said and reiterated, if you intend to stay with HBB, as you've said you do, you have to cope with his inability to be there for you. He disappears with his friends or his family every single time something is going on in your life. Some people are fair-weathered, and they never change. You have a fair-weathered boyfriend who's only your boyfriend when things go well; while it might not be that he doesn't care enough, he's simply not capable of handling the bigger experiences you face in your life. Break or no break, HBB has refused to be there for you through tough times before and he will continue to do so. He is fair-weathered. This is one of HBB's characteristics. If you get upset over his tendency to be fair-weathered so frequently that you post about it every month or every other month, you should re-evaluate the relationship, but since you've made it clear you aren't going to do this, my advice to you is going to be to find a way to deal with it, because this is the way HBB is going to be and if you want to be with him, you need to be prepared (and strong enough) to handle your tough times alone.

Jezah, I'm sorry but Eclaire is exactly right. There's nothing you can do but get used to dealing with it, if you plan on staying with him. There really are some people who don't deal well with hard times, and can't help you through them. As long as you're with HBB, you're on your own during hard times.

[Chris516]

This time I really need to know if how I am feeling is out of line.

HBB has a new full time job, and its cut out talk time from 4+ hours each night to just over 2 if we are lucky. I have been really understanding of this, as my own ECT treatments are cutting into our time. However today he revealed that it is his friends birthday this weekend so he will be gone all Sat and Sun afternoon. I am incredibly upset, we get so much less time now and I don't get why he needs to take our weekend! Yes its a once a year event, but he ALWAYS has 'once a year' events like several times a month. End of Aug it was "vacation with his friends" then it was his other friends b-day and now its this friends b-day. I miss my boyfriend, and am so hurt that he doesn't miss me the same.

This sounds a little suspicious. Not you, him. It sounds like he is making excuses, not to be with you.

[Jezah]

I am really starting to see what people on here have been saying. Its just really hard to accept, because no matter how much he hurts me I can't seem to walk away.

Today he was at his friends, but he said he would call me when they got back from the amusement park....well it was getting later and later, and when I txted he said he needed to charge his phone. Hours passed, I kept trying to call him to see what was taking so long....eventually his friend got on his phone and let me know HBB passed out asleep after drinking and playing poker all night. It hurts so damn much when he is so immature and acts like such a bachelor idiot teen. I know he is only 23, but I expect more out of him that this. I mean, am I asking for too much?

[Haley53]

I am really starting to see what people on here have been saying. Its just really hard to accept, because no matter how much he hurts me I can't seem to walk away.

Today he was at his friends, but he said he would call me when they got back from the amusement park....well it was getting later and later, and when I txted he said he needed to charge his phone. Hours passed, I kept trying to call him to see what was taking so long....eventually his friend got on his phone and let me know HBB passed out asleep after drinking and playing poker all night. It hurts so damn much when he is so immature and acts like such a bachelor idiot teen. I know he is only 23, but I expect more out of him that this. I mean, am I asking for too much?

You've asked this before, and my answer is again, no, Jezah, you are not asking too much, but you are asking too much from HBB. The problem here really is not what you are asking or expecting. We should all be able to rely on our SOs, especially in times of need and crisis, same as we should be able to rely on our friends, but I'm sure we've all had experience with the fair-weathered, and your experience happens to, unfortunately, be with a SO. Because he is so fair-weathered, it is unlikely that he is ever going to see reason here. It's unlikely you're going to say something that makes him wake up and change, or that he'll experience something so shattering he realises the error of his ways. It is unlikely that no matter how you present it to him, he's ever going to see and internalise it. The reason he is the way he is is not because it's so much more fun to drink and hang with friends, but because he literally cannot handle significantly negative experiences. Maybe he can handle a bad day, but when things start getting rougher than stubbing your toe, he tucks tail and runs. There are people like this, and I can't tell you what makes a body like this, but in the end, they're people we either have to learn to live with or simply stop talking to. It hurts like hell, and I understand what it's like to feel incapable of leaving someone, but eventually you have to weigh up the hurt. The hurt of leaving someone is temporary, whereas the pain from marrying someone who can't be there for you (when you've still so many life experiences to go through together, no less, that go beyond ECT, even) might be something you'll have to deal with for the rest of your lives together. Only you can decide what to do, Jezah, but at this point, it's not a matter of whether what you're asking is unreasonable; it's a matter of whether or not you can accept the fact that HBB is not going to be that person you can turn to and rely on when things get hard.

[Romeo s Juliet]

I have been following this thread from the start but i did not add anything because it may rub you the wrong way.

I dont think you are being unreasonable and asking too much. i think you are being reasonable but your guy is not going to ever give you that emotional support you want from him. sorry to break it to you. I dont think he is ever capable of it. it maybe a hard pill for you to swallow, but its the truth. you need to figure out if you are ready to work it out with a man who is emotionally unavailable to you all throughout your life through the hard times such as your medical conditions, who wont be there for you when you will be in a hospital bed, sick and yeraning for him. it is your call here.

he will always be like this, even when you close the distance. we cant change a person or his ways. we can tell them, but we cant make em. the only option is to adapt to them
you need to think 20-30 years down the line from now. can you adapt to him not being emotionally distant when you want him to be there? if yes you need to adapt, and not try to make him become independant. if not, you need to give your life more meaning and support by ending things with him for good.

[rubydissolution]

Ok, there comes a point in every relationship where you have to ask yourself some questions. And this is from personal experience.

1) Do you see a future with this man?

2) Does he give you what you need?

3) Does he make you happy?

From what I've read its a straight across the board no. He is obviously not giving you what you need to be happy. He's not making you happy, he's doing the opposite. Bc of him ur stressing about this stuff. Before my ex and I broke up, before I asked myself these questions, he had me convinced I needed anti-depressants. Being apart from him, and being in a happy relationships I know I don't need anti-depressants bc HE WAS THE REASON I WAS SO MISERABLE! You obviously need a more mature guy who is willing to give you all the attention you crave. And not to be mean but also a guy with not a lot of things to do in his off time.

Its unreasonable for you to demand he give up his RL to spend time with you. That's true in any relationship. You need time apart and time together for ur relationship to be healthy. Gotta love independence, I know I do. However, it is also unreasonable for him to break promise after promise. I'm not saying he doesn't care, but how many times are you going to hear "he got drunk and passed out" before you get that its gonna happen almost every single time. Shouldn't you just be used to these broken promises at this point? Maybe instead of being that clingly girlfriend waiting for that phone call you should say, whatever if he doesn't call I don't care I don't expect it to happen anyway. Go out with some girlfriends have some shots and complain to them about how douchey he is!

At this point, accept the way he is, or be done with it. Sorry if all that came off harsh.

[Dziubka]

Other people have said it already and I'm just quoting myself from one of your older threads:

It's not a "either or"-issue. It's both. It's him being irresponsible and immature and you -not surprisingly- having problems with that.

Both halves are right. The people who tell you to get over your issues and the people telling you that he won't change and you need to leave. You just need to decide what way you want to go.
[...]

The only person you can change is yourself. The only thing that you can do to make this relationship work is change or rather lower your expectations or in other words: Get over all the things he does (that rightfully so upset you).
He's a flake. I don't see that changing. So if you want to be happy with a flake of a boyfriend, then you need to learn to be happy with a flake of a boyfriend.
No more relying on date nights, no expecting him to stand up against his dad, no visits if something else comes up,...
That doesn't really sound like a desireable relationship? It's the only relationship you'll ever have with him.

We can't change our partners. We can either accept them and change our approach (as in "oh, hey, when I think about it some more, leaving the toilet seat up isn't really that much of an issue after all. I guess I can live with that.") or realise that it's an issue we just can't accept and see that they don't make us happy ("I'm not going to compromise on a f*cking toilet seat. If he's too much of a pig to put it down, then I don't want to live with him!").

There's no alternative to that. No, you can't make him understand. There's no way you can phrase your problem, so that it will make him change his ways.

And I've also said that before but:
You have two choices:
Accept that that's the way he is and learn to deal with it.
or
Leave the relationship.

It's as hard and as easy as that...

[SoFarAway]

And I've also said that before but:
You have two choices:
Accept that that's the way he is and learn to deal with it.
or
Leave the relationship.

It's as hard and as easy as that...

When I posted my first entry about your issue, I did not know the background and history of your relationship. But after reading through all the other posts and your previous threads, I have to agree Dziubka. You need to make some decisions now. You won't be able to change him, so you need to figure out what is good and healthy for you! And Dziubka pretty much summed it up as mentioned above in the quote:

Either you deal with his personality OR you just walk away, end this whole thing, and find someone who is on your level.

[BlueCat]

I think the fact that you get to talk every day is very lucky. I love talking to my SO and take any opportunity I can get to, but I'm not missing a close friends birthday party to talk to him. Just because he wants to attend them, doesn't mean that he doesn't miss you, in fact, whenever I'm at events with friends, I just always wish he could be there with me, but it would be selfish to stop someone going to those events just because you think they should stay home to talk to you.

[Xanahtas]

I've never written back to your posts, but always followed. I agree with what Eclaire has been saying.

After reading through all your posts, you seem to aways report issues with him, and how he is never there for you. You mentioned how sometimes you have very little time to speak? Im sure we have all been there - i know i have. It sucks, but we all just get on with it. It's just something that comes with an LDR.

He wont change, no matter what you try and do. He will always be the same. Thats something you either have to accept or walk away from. Thats not something we can help with.

[Captivated]

Just out of curiosity, why are you still with him? If he makes you this miserable - why stick around? Do you think you can't do better? Are you afraid to start all over again and find someone new? Do you really think he'll change?

[cymlee]

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

I think that quote is very fitting for your situation. I don't know that I've ever responded to any of your posts, but I've been following the last few and they've all been similar to this one. If he did it then, what would make him change now? You already know based on past experiences that he goes out with friends to celebrate birthdays and other events and that when he's out he probably won't respond and there's nothing unusual about that. That is something you have to get used to. You also have to get used to the fact that your whole world will not and should not revolve around your SO, which kind of seems to be the case here. Is there no one else you can talk to when he's out?

Someone mentioned earlier that he always finds a way to not be around when you need support because he's out with friends or family or doing something else. Again I'll say "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." You need to figure out whether you want to deal with how he is or end things. It doesn't make sense to keep stressing about the same thing when it's clear he won't change.