Does this count as a lie?

[HeartInTexas]

Once again, I'd like some help, LFAD. Thank you for everything so far, and thank you for anything you suggest now. I hope I don't ask too much from you!

Onto the story...Sadly, I'm not quite getting along with my SO again. Three nights ago (Wednesday) I was out with my friends for once, so I didn't get to chat with my SO before bed on the phone. It was sad, but I knew I could talk to him again soon. The next day he told me it felt weird going to sleep without talking to me and he didn't like it. It was kind of an "Aww~" moment for me.

So then here comes Thursday night, no phone call and no Skype. He texts good night to me though and he loves me. Friday comes and he's excited that his cousins can stay the night, although he can't spent much time with them due to work. Well, usually he texts "Going home now" and usually he'll call. This time, I didn't get any call or text when work ended at 10pm TX time. Now it was midnight his time and I was very worried he got into another car accident. I finally get a reply around 12:30am his time that he was so excited that he got distracted by his cousins.

On one hand, I understand being so happy to see your family you seldom see that you space things out. On the other hand, I felt I was forgotten. When I felt forgotten, I felt like maybe he might not care about me that much. He said he was sorry, so I decided to let it slide and try to calm myself down.

Tonight he got off work early, about 8pm his time. However, I did not know this so I patiently waited for a reply to my texts since I asked him a question. He ignores everything I said (which he often does). Suddenly I get a text saying he's upset that his cousins weren't home when he got there. Meaning, he was home already and didn't bother to tell me he was coming home via text or even call. I know I might sound like a brat saying that, but at the same time...He always texts me before he leaves for work (aside from the night before when he was excited about his cousins) but I understand not calling, since he doesn't always do that. It's a change, and it makes me wary and nervous. Even if it's probably minor in other people's eyes, it scares me.

So while I am hurt at this moment that he didn't text that he's going home like usual, I just ask him what he's up to and what not, casual conversation. He tells me he's really tired and just wants to sleep. I ask him if he wants to chat on the phone a bit before bed, and he apologizes but he is just too tired to talk on the phone. I feel hurt again, but I just tell him I'm here for him, good night and I love him. Then maybe 20min later I get a longer apology from him, that he's sorry he didn't feel like talking etc. I didn't feel like replying at the moment, since I was a little steamed still and I might say something mean to him. I figured he was tired any way, and he's going to sleep after he got that out of the way.

An hour and a half later, I log onto Steam and he apparently was logged in 20min ago. It's a bit of an off number since Steam isn't that accurate, but that's still a small enough time to let me know he either woke up and didn't want to talk, or he just didn't sleep at all. If he didn't sleep at all, had he just lied to me? Did he want to avoid me by lying?

Then eventually I get a text again and he asks if I'm okay. I ask what happened to him sleeping, and he told me he was busy driving. Right about then I was utterly confused. So I asked why he was driving around. He told me he went out with his cousins to play Pump it Up. So now I'm thinking, "Wait, he just told me an hour ago he was so tired he couldn't even have a 5min talk on the phone with me...Then he goes out, dances, chats, drives, etc.?"

He explained to me this: His cousins came home while he was laying down, and he started talking to them. Then, since I didn't reply to his apology, he went to go hang out with them. He did not "lie" to me, he just "changed his mind." There is no explanation other than he changed his mind about being too tired. There is nothing to explain, and furthermore, he does not have to explain anything to me.

I understand he wants to make a special exception for his cousins that he seldom sees. At the same time, I feel so hurt that he told me good night and then just took off without a word. Even though I did not reply to him, he still could have let me know about changing his mind. That's the part that makes me feel lied to and avoided. Although when I asked about that, he did explain things to me. I'm scared to tell him that he should have let me know, because I don't want him to get mad and think I'm trying to guilt him. Maybe it doesn't really count as lie? Maybe it's merely a misunderstanding? Or, maybe he saw himself caught up in a lie and wanted to make something up?

I'm not sure what to do. He told me I can text him when I calm down, and then a little later he said "Good night." I'm scared of waking up in the morning and seeing I have no text saying, "Morning, love!" But I'm still debating on whether or not he lied and it's frustrating me, especially after he once gave me a thorough explanation of never dating liars and how he hates liars. I'm scared of lying down alone again tonight, and just thinking about him and how we aren't quite getting along right now. What happened to feeling weird if he didn't talk on the phone with me before bed?

Maybe I'm overreacting? Do any of you think it counts as a lie? Am I just taking things too personally? What should I say to him? When should I say something to him?

[Tommybat]

I think you are a tad :/
This is just a communicatin issue however, when he has some free time just calmly express your concerns with him and come up with a game plan together.
I don't think you should be too upset about the cousin thing, it happens. Trust is a foundation to a healthy relationship... Ask yourself if he has a valid reason to lie to you about something so trivial like changing his mind? I understand that your feelings are hurt by this sudden lack of communication but that's why you have to communicate with your SO to correct the issue.

I agree that he could text you when he gets off work, but sometimes people get caught up. It still isn't an excuse... But it happens. Just talk to him like I suggested and try to come up with a plan. Best of luck! <3

[rubydissolution]

Its not a lie if his plans change and he goes out. Like the poster above said, things happen. People get caught up in the moment and forget to do things they would normally do. Like text you they are going home, or going out with the family. Don't take it personally or worry too much about it. If it really bothers you tell him you would appreciate a text if his plans change but don't get mad if he forgets.

I learned a lot when I was in a LDR. Number 1 is don't sweat the small things. He didn't shoot you a text, not really a huge deal. Just let it go. I worried way way too much about not getting a text, or not talking to my ex when we were together. It just makes you sound like a crazy girl (not saying you are of course lol).

[Amelia]

i think you are over reacting a little bit...so many people get distracted by friends or family that they havent seen in a while, im sure maybe you have done it sometimes as well. I think some people get into routines such as texting when you get home texting when you finish work.. and then when one of you accidently forgets to text the other person gets worried and concerned thinking oh god something is wrong when it really isnt.

It sounds like you guys just need to work on your communication figure out how and when you will contact one another.

[eveningsky]

I think you're overreacting a little bit. It can be really draining to talk to someone you love, who is long distance, every single day. I don't think it means he loves you any less if he'd rather go out and have some fun instead of talking to you (that's what you did one night, so he thinks he can do the same thing). Then again, it seems like this has been building for a few days. Once you get to talk to him, tell him (in a cool, rational, non-accusatory way) you need to talk about how often you speak and discuss what you want from him, what is reasonable to you and let him share what is reasonable to him (without you knocking it down right away and actually taking it into consideration). Then come to a compromise.

[Kiyama]

I think you're overreacting. Life happens and people are allowed to change their minds and especially when it comes to feeling tired. I sometimes get super tired but an hour later I'm ready to party again this is definitely not a lie.

I learned a lot when I was in a LDR. Number 1 is don't sweat the small things. He didn't shoot you a text, not really a huge deal. Just let it go.

I second that. Pick your battles. Getting upset over a text is so not worth all the bad feelings and arguments that come with it. You really need to calm down and learn to look past the little things. Tolerance and understanding are important foundations of a relationship.

[milaya]

I agree with the others, and I too can not stress the whole "pick your battles" enough.
During the first year of my LDR I also tended to get annoyed if he didn't end up contacting me when he said he would, I would get bitchy if I felt he used his time wrong and didn't put me as a highest priority 24/4. Which in the end just resulted in us wasting time fighting and arguing.

Now, I've learned to not sweat the small stuff, to feel convinced that he'll contact me when he has the time, to understand that his work requires as lot from him and it's not the end of the world that he has other things in his life besides me. He has managed to show me that I'm the most important - so I'm content.
Showing this tolerance and understanding (which Kiyama mentioned) has kept us from having any fights or arguments during the time we're apart (haven't had a single fight/argument for over a year). Our limited communication time is too precious for that.
So guess I just want to say that I don't think he lied to you, be happy for him that he seemed to have a good time with his cousins and he'll of course contact you once he has the time.

[Softy]

I think also that you are overracting.
Ppl do get busy, some unexpected things happens sometimes.
It's not because he misses one day or two of texting that he doesn't love you.

My bf does that too, sometimes he's suppose to talk or get on cam or msn and he doesn't.
At some point i got a lil disapointed but i did wait for him to be free and i told him 'please when you have change of plans, let me know. When you do that it makes me sad'.
He understood and most of the time he's careful with that.

But sometimes it just happens....

Don't worry about it too much.
Give him a chance and see the small things he says and does for you.
Then you won't be worried as much if he skips a text or two : )

cheers

[Haley53]

I agree with the others, especially:

I agree with the others, and I too can not stress the whole "pick your battles" enough.

Pick your battles.

I learned a lot when I was in a LDR. Number 1 is don't sweat the small things.

You need to learn what constitutes as a reason to get pissed off and what you need to learn to let go, or else you're going to end up running this relationship into the ground. It's possible that the reason he's ignoring what you say at times and the reason he's wanting to bolt and go to bed as soon as he feels the sensation of his tired creeping in is because of what was discussed in your last thread, the fact that you're needing more from him and he's feeling like you're never happy because no matter what he does, you end up upset. He is not obligated to text you every single time he leaves work, or the moment he reaches his front door. If you require him to text you at those times for reasons of the car accident, then I can understand the anxiety, but that is something you need to work on. You can not let negative events in a relationship continue to influence you because we will all experience life events in our relationships. We will all experience some events that shake us to the core, whether it happens to our SO or to us, and we need to learn how to cope and adapt in a way that allows us to eventually pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and climb back on the horse and ride like nothing happened. There are things that happen in life that are out of our control. The best we can do is trust ourselves, and that we will deal with them if/when they happen. Trying to control what we can't will only produce more anxiety and, in effect, wear down the gears of the relationship.

That said, his cousins were over. You mentioned that he seldom sees them. They were out when he got home, he was tired, so he was probably going to go to bed, but then they came home and he changed his mind. What is wrong with that? People are entitled to change their minds. There have been times I have told my SO I'm tired but need to step away to do some homework only to go for a walk with my mother on the beach and come home and do my homework afterward. It doesn't mean I lied to my SO. It simply means that plans changed and maybe I needed the walk to clear my head. It sounds like he was tired, but hanging out with people he loves being around that he doesn't see often > tired. There's nothing wrong with that. If it was a spur of the moment thing, perhaps he forgot or, more realistically, he knew you would get upset at him and demand an explanation and maybe he didn't want to deal with that for a night out. Sometimes if people nag at their SOs or make something into an issue that needn't be, the SO will wait until it's not going to rain all over their plans to open up about it. I know that sounds horrible, but I have been on both ends (though not in this relationship), so I can see both sides to it.

So no, he didn't lie. I don't think it counts as a lie. What I think is you need to learn what's worth getting upset with him over. You're entitled to your emotions. If he has chocolate instead of vanilla custard for dessert and you get angry, that's fine, so long as you keep those emotions to yourself, but it sounds like this relationship is a constant tangle of arguments, upsets, and game playing by withholding from speaking to one another for one reason or another. It's great that you have managed to not respond when you're feeling "steamed," as you put it, but at the same time, it's also important to not only refrain from responding when pissed but to re-appraise the situation so that you see the problem more realistically and objectively. Sometimes when something seems like a small thing to others, you need to accept that maybe it's not... that big of a deal. That doesn't mean you can't be upset about it, but there's truth to what the masses sees as a big thing versus a little thing, and sometimes, even when you may very honestly be upset, it's important to put pride aside and realise that there are some things that aren't worth getting upset over. It's important to accept that maybe, even if you get upset over x, maybe x isn't as big of a deal as it is to you currently, and maybe you need to think about how to re-frame it so that you can start seeing it more objectively. The thing is, if you let every little thing annoy you, then you're going to exhaust the relationship. You're going to push him further into not telling you these things when they happen because he's not going to want to deal with your consequences and punishments. You both need to decide if you're willing to work not only on the relationship but on yourselves, and I do think that it might be something worth considering to find a coping mechanism that allows you to re-frame a problem before bringing it to his attention, because from what you've posted here, I do think you can learn how not to sweat the small things.

Best of luck.

[Sharon Q]

I think youre making too big of a deal out of this. Some times my SO will send me a good night text but may not be able to sleep so he may get out of bed and read a book or something.

Its not a big deal if plans change.

ELearning to pick your battles is a hard thing to do but look at it this way " is this really worth fighting over ? "

Some thing just are better to let go

[Black_Halloween]

Basically, what everybody else has already said.

[Zephii]

I didn't read all the replies, just the original post.

Being in a LDR does not mean you need to know where he is and what he's doing every moment of the day. If he wants to text when he gets off work, that's great, but he doesn't owe it to you or anything. And plans change. Stuff comes up all the time, that's life.

Most importantly, don't play games or hold onto useless anger, life is way too short for that.

[efish1042]

Most often, if you have to ask "Is this a lie?" the answer is "Yes."
However, you have to pick your battles. Is it really worth the effort and the heartache? Will any good come of it?

[victorious123]

Hey it;s perfectly alright to feel that way if you're so used to one "tradition", you might say. But it is family, and we all know how it is when you dare to not show them the attention they're "supposed" to get. Like for example, last year thanksgiving, I was in School and my SO messaged me on skype pretty early, for him anyway, and we talked and talked and talked and i didn't realize it was thanksgiving there. We had an argument about something and we stopped talking for about an hour. i signed back in to say sorry, and that I'll be home soon. He said that it was ok and that he loves me. On my way home i finally remembered the date and i was like "oh shit" i quickly walked up to my room and asked why is he still home on thanksgiving, since i thought he was gonna be with his family on that day. He said that it was the only tim in the month that he could get off work and that he wanted to spend the day "with" me, i felt so loved and cared and happy and i also felt SO DAMN BAD FOR STARTING THE ARGUMENT. Anyway, the next day, after spending the entire night on skype,, he says that his aunt saw his car at the house he was sitting, and so he got in a lot of trouble for not going to the dinner.

I blame our love for each other

[Hollandia]

Back in the day before everybody having a smartphone and internet chat accounts, men only talked their GF when they wanted to call them. The GF had no way of knowing where or what the BF was doing at any given time of any day. The BF could live around the block it does not matter. There was more mystery involved.

Today, with me and my SO, we have about 4 different ways to contact each other online. My smartphone is logged in non stop and so is his laptop. I am kinda glad that he does not have a smartphone. This way he can say he is not always there and I have no idea of knowing if he does. I think men need their SPACE sometimes. If you are not married, they have every right to it. Women too, if they want it, but we usually don't.

I do like to unplug from the internet sometimes, but I usually do it when he most likely to be busy anyway, but not all the time. One of our biggest fights was when I called him during his night out with his brother one time. He was drunk off his butt and let slip that he "preferred the chat because he could answer it when he wanted to".... yeah I was pissed. He always answers the phone when I call, but the IM, he can say he is not there.

Then I thought about it. We are not married. He was just being honest and direct (dutch men are like that). Why should I be mad? If I choose to not be available does he have a right to be mad? IMO, no. We both have a right to be our own people. If we love each other and trust each other, what does it matter? When I there, I like to leave on my own and take walks and bike rides alone. I like to go to the bedroom and work out alone. I don't want to suffocate him or be suffocated, why is it any different in an LDR? It seems we go out of our way to make up for the distance by making ourselves overly available, sometimes especially for me, I think it gets to be too much.

There is a difference to being married ( I have been there) and dating seriously...... not being tied on a leash is part of that. Anyhoo, that is my 2 cents of it.