Our Relationship Is In Trouble

[kgibree]

So me and my SO have been apart for about 4 years now. However, we have spent the last two summers together working at a summer camp together and it was really good. I haven't seen him since the middle of August and I am actually going to see him tomorrow for about 5 days. He told me yesterday I need to make him fall in love with me again. I had not realized he wasn't in love with me...even though we have been fighting and bickering about stupid stuff. I spent most of the day crying yesterday, as he told me he was not going to move down to Louisiana with me because he did not want to leave his job, even though he promised he would. I really want him to do what makes him happy, and if that is the option we take, it would force us to be apart another 2 years so I can graduate college then move to California with him. I am all for that, I know it will be hard but I can definitely handle it. He, on the other hand, said he wasn't sure and he said he would probably not want to be together.

He mentioned something about how it's not fair to the both of us and that we are wasting our youth. We have been together since I was 16 and he was 17. We are now 20 and 21. I do not feel I have wasted my youth at all...I love him literally more than anything and I would never even mention the idea of me being with anyone else. I have no idea what all of this means...any insight at all I would really appreciate.

Thank you.

[Haley53]

It honestly sounds like he's changed and moved beyond the relationship. Unfortunately, it happens to a lot of people who start dating so young. They grow up, go off to college, change, and move forward with their lives, and unfortunately, sometimes it happens only to one of the partners. :/ I don't feel it's really fair of him to have said it's up to you to "make him fall in love with you again." Far as I'm aware, that's not necessarily something you can control for, or something you can change, and I feel like it's almost a cowardly way of phrasing things (i.e. making it your fault, making it seem like something you can change, etc.). To me, it sounds like he's trying to end the relationship but is too cowardly, for whatever reason, to end things with you explicitly. However, I would ask him whether or not he still wants to continue/work on the relationship and if he does, what are the steps you both need to take to achieve your goals.

[ushiwakafox]

Maybe he's going through something in his life right now? It's hard to think that someone you've been with for so long will suddenly just change. My SO and I go through a big bicker phase about once a year, where we seem to not be on the same page at all for about a month. It especially happened when we were LD, although it still happens even now.
Maybe all the bickering has left him kind of disoriented and unsure of what's going on. Both my SO and I often feel this way while we're going through the phase, but we make sure to tell each other that we still love each other and we will get through it. And we always have.
I know it hurts but try to talk to him and see where all this came from. Try to reason it out and find the root.
I hope everything goes well.

[NeverToFarApartx3]

I'm sorry about what's going on in your relationship, maybe you guys should take a little break? It might be the best for the both of you.. sometimes it takes time apart to realize how much you actually love that person, or if you really want to be with that person, I don't know, just speaking from experience. (: Good luck to the both of you, if you ever need anyone I'm here !

[Sharon Q]

I agree with the others here. My SO and i have been together for four years as well we met at 15 and 16 weve had to take Breaks before. It could help
Ask him if he still wants to work on tue relationship.

Also a relationship takes two people. It shouldnt be all on you to make him fall in love.

Honestly it sounds like the distance may be getting to him.

I think you could use the visit to talo things out with him.

I wish you the best of luck I know this is hard

[Kiyama]

I agree with Eclaire. You can't make anyone fall in love with you (again). If he's fallen out of love and moved on, there is not much you can do, however much you wish for it
There is the saying "If you love something you need to let it go and it'll come back to you if your love is returned. Even though it's painful, you might have to let him go. Maybe he will realise once you are gone that his feelings are still there but if not then you will have to move on and find someone who will return your love because this is what you deserve and what everybody deserves. He is honest with you about it and that's a good thing. Maybe the days you are going to spend together now will reveal more. Best of luck. We are here for you to listen, whatever happens.

[Haley53]

I agree with Eclaire. You can't make anyone fall in love with you (again). If he's fallen out of love and moved on, there is not much you can do, however much you wish for it
There is the saying "If you love something you need to let it go and it'll come back to you if your love is returned. Even though it's painful, you might have to let him go. Maybe he will realise once you are gone that his feelings are still there but if not then you will have to move on and find someone who will return your love because this is what you deserve and what everybody deserves. He is honest with you about it and that's a good thing. Maybe the days you are going to spend together now will reveal more. Best of luck. We are here for you to listen, whatever happens.

I agree.

Also in this case, I don't believe in a break. You've been bickering. That's going to happen. What would happen if you ended up married, he'd ask for a divorce or a separation? I do feel that there are some cases in which taking a break is justified, but for the most part, I don't agree with them. Even my own personal feelings aside, they, more often than not, end in heartbreak because a) the problems that were present before the break still exist after and b) breaks should not be taken to make someone fall in love with you or miss what they had; the intentions tend to be what screw a lot of people over. :/ While it's possible he may still realise he doesn't want to move on and date somebody else, I think taking a break holding this intention in mind can only be detrimental to you.

ETA: I should also note that when you've been with someone for as long as you have, there's the possibility of getting back together (or refusing to break up) simply because he doesn't want to be alone/misses the romantic level of companionship. I know it sounds harsh, but it happens. :/

[Travey]

I agree.


ETA: I should also note that when you've been with someone for as long as you have, there's the possibility of getting back together (or refusing to break up) simply because he doesn't want to be alone/misses the romantic level of companionship. I know it sounds harsh, but it happens. :/

I can attest to this happening. My ex and I had been together for almost 7 years and towards the end we decided to take a break and see if we could work things out. Simply put, she didn't feel the same about me and I could tell. She never looked at me the way she did in the past, I stopped receiving compliments, all the little stuff just disappeared. After a short time (like a month) we talked and met up and decided to try again. All that really happened was about 3 months of the old us and then it was back to square one. It hurt the first time around taking a break b/c she didn't feel the same but it hurt even worse the second time. I eventually ended it because I couldn't stand the way she didn't look at me and what she didn't say.... she simply changed and was ready to move on.

I know it sucks for me to say that but it's just the reality of the situation I went through and you could possibly go through. I'm sorry it's happening to you and wish you the best of luck, whichever way it turns out.